LIVING

I have lived life as a zombie.

I really identified with the characters in Warm Bodies – the zombies existing on the planet whose hearts just aren’t in it and don’t beat…

…they can’t talk anymore – they can’t feel – they just grunt.

Occasionally in social zombie fashion, they have what appears to be a planned encounter and get a little excited, but they can’t feel – they just grunt.

I’ve been a zombie – The first time was too long. There was always a heaviness in my legs…the sunlight hurt my eyes…my skin was pale…I couldn’t remember who I was or how I had gotten there..

How did I get my heart beating?

It was beaten – stabbed in the heart – on my bathroom floor.

The sword came at me – “I don’t love you, and I don’t think I ever did,” he said.

“Wow,” was all I could say after 15 years.

I didn’t cry. Like I said, I was a zombie. I had no feeling in my body or my soul.

I looked down at my hands and saw them filling with blood.

…and then I felt a CRACK – like I was split in half. I gasped and took in a great gulp of air – zombies don’t breathe either.

For days and weeks after that, I walked around with strange sensations…the sun didn’t hurt my eyes anymore. I felt light. I could actually touch my body and feel it. I could look in the mirror and see myself reflected back.

I was starting to feel again – from the inside out. I didn’t even know what it was like to feel – anything at all.

I had entered an altered reality. I saw colors; I felt temperatures; I heard sounds. I would laugh uncontrollably and sob uncontrollably – often at the same time.

Sometimes I felt pain and got scared.

In that pain, I knew I had a choice: I could bury myself again and become a zombie again because that was what I knew – and it would take the pain away –

It’s sad that being an unfeeling undead creature had become “comfortable.”

Or I could continue to explore what FEELING was like – and perhaps start LIVING instead of being undead.

Hmmm…

…I chose to live – and really live.

After I made that choice, I started to remember little things about myself from before my undead state – that I love adventure, love to meet people, love to have fun, that I’m a risk-taker, and that I’m beautiful…

I could feel again…my heart beating, my muscles working…lust and passion…exhilaration…pure bliss…ecstasy…feelings I had never felt before.

I learned how to move through fear … to feel the pain and risk broken heartedness or embarrassment or unsuccess (failure is not an option!) …  because I knew the alternative was being undead, unfeeling, numb…and that is worse than feeling pain.

LIVING has tested me a couple of times, where I disappear into the zombie apocalypse – Perhaps as a reminder — so that I can recognize where I am and get the hell out.

It happens in an institutionalized relationship – with a zombie – because I don’t belong there. It’s zombie peer pressure…

I can only BE with the LIVING.

It is so FREEING – having experienced being undead – and actually LIVING now – because lust, passion, bliss, ecstasy, love, joy, friendship, caring – are pure magic and in every moment.

I live in every moment that I’m in – every one. I get curious, but I don’t have worry.

I don’t wonder in an all-consuming manner: “Does he like me?”

The only thoughts that consume me are how I feel…what I’m doing…how I am livinghow I am celebrating my feelingness and LIVING right now in this moment.

Fear is where it belongs and does what is supposed to do – to keep me safe so I can KEEP LIVING.

I LOVE LIVING! 🙂

 

3 thoughts on “LIVING

  1. Pingback: The Plight of Drama Queens | Goddess of Healing

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