Wherever I am, I am responsible for my own happiness.
The same goes for you.
If you’re not happy, it’s your responsibility to fix that. It’s not mine or Joe Schmoe’s; it’s not your boss’s fault; it’s not your significant other’s fault; it’s YOURS.
That may seem a little harsh – but it’s a FACT.
I’ve had 2 relationships with men that taught me this. They may have been relationshits because I was unhappy in them, but I’m definitely strongest and happiest now because I have had them.
Through these encounters, I was able to learn about myself and take responsibility for myself and for my life’s journey.
Relationship X (the ex-husband) and Relationship Y (why did I do that?) were similar in many ways. They were mirror images of each other. They also answered life’s many riddles for me.
With the X, I learned most of my lessons through hindsight because I had no insight while I was married – I just knew I was miserable and I blamed him for my misery – I was also very afraid of everything.
With Y, I learned lessons in the valuable but uncomfortable moments of arguing and put-downs (apparently I didn’t do many things right by him).
It was my responsibility to learn, forgive, and get out on my own terms so that I could fill my life, my soul, my body with all the beauty and love that I deserve to make myself happy – which answers the question “why” about Y-
It was my responsibility to do that.
I had unhappiness, fear, yuck – Were they to blame?
The reality was – my reality was my own creation. I could sit there in my pity party and be miserable forever, or I could walk away and find what works for me, whatever that looks like.
I recall a constant complaint that Y had: “If you could just do this one thing, I would be so happy.”
…and every day, there was a new item added to this list:
“If you could do that now…I would be happy.”
“If you just did it this way…I would be happy.”
“If you were more like this…I would be happy.”
Through my crystal clear vision of hindsight, I realized that X had the same complaint, which explained a lot – he just said it differently.
Red flag #1: If you are the perpetrator of the offensive statements listed above, please allow me to slap you silly. No, no, no! Your friend/partner is not there to make you happy – He/she is the frosting on your cake – the glitter on your glue – the enhancement of your already happy self.
If you are saying the above atrocities, you need to take a step back and say to yourself: “I need to do THIS for myself to make MYSELF happy. It is not HER responsibility to do that for me.”
If you are seeking a piece of happiness outside of yourself, then there is probably a giant hole of insecurity inside yourself that no one can fill no matter how many of your constant requests they fulfill.
You might want to get a rope and climb inside there and see what’s really going on…especially if happiness is what you seek.
Red flag #2: If those heinous statements listed above are being said TO you, and you continue to beat yourself up and think (or say out loud) – “What else can I do to make this person happy?” – then please allow me to slap some sense into you – YOU CANNOT MAKE ANYBODY ELSE HAPPY!!!!
You can support them but do not attach yourself to that person’s outcome – You can share your love and sunshine and sparkles – as long as that gift of love and light brightens you. You can enjoy their company and have amazing moments together, but you cannot take their insecurity away.
If your bright shininess dulls in that person’s presence, you have to make a change, whatever that looks like.
Do not take responsibility for someone else’s happiness – It’s not yours to take.
Sometimes we know the answer to the question, but we avoid speaking it because we don’t want to hurt someone else’s feelings.
I understand that. I have been there. And it was not a pleasant experience – until the words came out – and I felt a lot better.
But it is your responsibility to speak up for yourself because no one is going to do it for you – it’s not anybody else’s responsibility but yours.
You can seek guidance and support – friends and sages to coach you through the questions, test the answers, and cry and laugh with you – and dance (please share the celebratory times also) – but ultimately, no matter what, the choice is yours to make:
Be happy or don’t be happy – it’s really that simple, and you are responsible for that decision.