Goddess Goals: What I Intend To Accomplish In My Life On Planet Earth
I know it’s the end of May, and everybody talks about their goals around the New Year – but that’s so cliche and boring.
It’s like starting a diet on Monday – Why make Monday any worse than it has to be? Start the diet on Wednesday or something. #trysomethingnew
Earlier in my mortal life, I made a New Year’s Resolution to end all resolutions – and that was to make them practical and unique – and they must enhance my life and add joy – I do not allow self-deprecation or deprivation –
I believe that to deprive oneself of life’s pleasures is a crime.
Here are some of my own goals – My little carrots that remind me how wonderful life can be if I just keep my eye on the prize.
My unique fitness goals:
I am not interested in competing or winning in cross-fit, or entering a figure competition, or even running a marathon.
I’m competitive but I compete against my own accomplishments rather than other people. My goals are simple – and I love striving to achieve them.
1. Conquest and Dominance of Men: It’s not really a fitness goal per se, but in order to enter the arena of fun-and-games with a man, #loveisabattlefield, I have to be in tip-top condition.
Love is an endurance sport, and if you disagree, then you’re loving the wrong people #suckstosuck #poorthing #findyourowngspot
Ten men waiting for me at the door? Send one of them home, I’m tired.
2. Walking The World With PPE: PPE = Pied Piper Effect. A fine man walked behind me for many miles and commented on how he loved my swagger. ❤ #strutmystuff
In fact, when I walked the 60-mile 3-Day Events, I received a lot of compliments on my posture and my walk.
The thing is, I know I walk with purpose – Like I’m the bomb – Like I OWN that road. I teach my clients AND my daughters this.
The rules: Look down to NOBODY – Head up, chest up, heel-toe stride, and just strut – as if you’re a super-model on the catwalk, untouchable to mere mortals.
The hip movement is great for your body, keeps everything in working order. Plus it feels great and gets you noticed.
So having PPE means that I have a parade of men behind me, admiring my swagger, and they will follow me everywhere.
… and then I have someone in the parade behind me to text when life kicks me in the boob. #whatchadoing #myboobhurts
I like my relationships like I like my eggs. Over easy.
3. Having a butt that I like to grab and check out: Yes, I will grab my own ass, not gonna lie – so I want it to be as fine and tight as I can make it. #ihaveaniceass
4. Having the physical ability to undertake any task or any fun adventure: The word “can’t” is not in my vocabulary – and I will not wimp out of something unless it’s really too dangerous (I have kids, so it’s not time to die) or if I’ve given my best effort and it’s just not right for me. But to not be physically able to do what I want to do is not acceptable to me.
That means – I move my own furniture, carry cases of water upstairs, open my own jars, climb ropes, and do handstands – JUST BECAUSE I CAN. Yoda would be proud. #thereisnotry
5. Being Mystique for Halloween: Or actually any other random day – I don’t need to narrow myself to just Halloween.
I simply want to walk around with just blue paint being the only thing between my skin and the atmosphere. #lifeisshort #playnaked
Things to keep in mind when you formulate you’re own fitness goals:
- Confidence burns fat – loving yourself burns fat.
- Being a sad sack and stressed out adds fat – self-defeating behavior adds fat. It’s how the body protects you from making poor choices.
my unique life-enhancement goals:
1. Sex wherever and whenever I want: …and I mean “wherever” and “whenever,” literally. I’m quite pleased that Captain Amazing defeated the forces of evil came back from the Zombies – this goal is within reach.
2. Being a bad-ass chick: I want to fire a weapon and pretend to be Lara Croft or Black Widow – or both on different days. I will wear tight pants (see fitness goals above), thigh holsters and awesome cleavage.
3. Living life on my terms, financially and spiritually: I get to choose my adventure and enjoy every moment of the whole thing. Life is too short to be stuck and miserable. #nozombieapocalysetoday
Here’s the mini-cherry on top of the regular cherry on top of the sundae of awesomeness that is my life.
4. Mentoring my kids to celebrate life: All of these things above allow me to be the best person for my kids to emulate – so they believe that anybody can live life any way they choose to live it – and not be afraid to do it – that there is not just one cookie-cutter way to live – but a universe of infinite possibilities – and if one isn’t working, just change it. It’s not that complicated.
Quotes above are by mae west – idol of women; jarod kintz; and barney stinson.