Confessions: Part 1 – I Got A Rock
Oooooo, confessions – intrigue. #inquiringminds
What do I have left to confess? I’ve shared my goals, which are unconventional at best or possibly ludicrous …
… I am slightly closer to being Mystique though, which brings me such joy 🙂
I am also a girl, but there is not much to confess there…or is there??
I am grateful to be a woman…
…I must have done something great in another life.
The Universe truly blessed me with being female – and the Universe made me straight – I’m grateful for both.
Most of the girls I know – even though I love them – are too crazy to date. #girlsarenuts #boxofcats
Therefore, I’m happy to not be a lesbian.
…as a nonconformist, unconventional girl, I just have to keep a lid on my crazy… #xfactor
… because I love boys. I love hanging out with them and when they seemingly forget that I am a girl. That makes me happy.
Boys, on the other hand, are just stupid. #yfactor
I remind my daughters frequently how fortunate they are to have a single dating female for a mom – I know what’s going on in the world and share my wisdom with them.
Whereas the women who have been married for a century and living in suburbia are just slightly naive – and crazy – and possibly zombies. #zombieapocalypsenextdoor
No matter how cute a boy is, how much you like him, how amazing he is – he is still a boy and still stupid. If you keep your boundaries around that information, then you’ll be OK –
I tell them: Feel free to feel whatever you want because a boy is eventually going to do something stupid… He can’t help it. #youcantfixstupid
…and we girls…well, we’re just crazy. #crazybitches
To launch my confessional to the world, I am going to start from an area of vulnerability, because I believe that’s at the heart of the matter, and I will be using Brené Brown’s definition from Daring Greatly: How the Courage to Be Vulnerable Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent, and Lead
I define vulnerability as uncertainty, risk and emotional exposure. With that definition in mind, let’s think about love. Waking up every day and loving someone who may or may not love us back, whose safety we can’t ensure, who may stay in our lives or may leave without a moment’s notice, who may be loyal to the day they die or betray us tomorrow — that’s vulnerability.
So that’s where I am, sitting here on a Friday, having just finished work, feeling blah, for reasons that are just not clear to me. And then it hits me –
I’m such a “girl”!
There was a cliffhanger ending in the Adventures of Captain Amazing, with the greatest phone call I’ve ever received in my life last Friday morning (it was a week ago??) – It was just like a movie.
I’m surprised I didn’t fall down the stairs like a drunk person while I was on the phone – #tripping #stumbling #clumsy
That day, my feet didn’t touch the ground. I don’t even remember what else I did – worked or some other nonsense – but I do remember giggling a lot that entire Friday.
Our plan, even before “the phone call” was to go hiking the next day, Saturday. The entire group was invited, but he and I were the only two who could go.
Because of his decision to unlive rather than embrace life, (I already said that boys are stupid), and his departure earlier in the week to zombieland to wrestle with demons, it was a potentially super awkward situation to be in, for both of us, although probably more so for me.
However, since I’m an unconventional girl, and his friendship means more to me than I can even comprehend on a logical or intellectual level, I was going to go regardless… awkward or not …
… I can deal with “awkward” – However, I cannot deal with regret or missing out on a fun time simply because there is a bump in the road to hop over. I’ll take my chances and hop …
When we spend our lives waiting until we’re perfect or bulletproof before we walk into the arena, we ultimately sacrifice relationships and opportunities that may not be recoverable, we squander our precious time, and we turn our backs on our gifts, those unique contributions that only we can make.
…But he called me and apologized instead…so all potential weirdness became awesomeness.
Saturday morning arrived, and so did Captain Amazing at my apartment at 5am to pick me up – I had brewed coffee and prepared snacks for the day. The plan was to be out hiking for approximately 10 hours, depending on what we found.
I packed chicken quesadillas, apples, and homemade chocolate chip protein cookies. << click here for recipes
Of course, he opened the truck door for me – I notice things like that (see above – I am a girl).
The trail was about an hour away by car, Badger Springs, so we had plenty of time to chat about the week, including all of the events he encountered with the zombies (and witches?? There are witches in the zombie apocalypse??) …
…and we talked about the little things that happened here, in the awesome land of the living, and we shared conversation about all kinds of everything and nothing – surprisingly effortlessly.
We arrived at our destination – We were the only ones there (good? bad? – who cares??).
We parked with enough room in the empty dirt circle that others could park their vehicles, should they arrive as well.
It was a true adventure – Neither of us had been to this place before, nor did we know what to expect necessarily.
I trusted his leadership abilities, so I assigned myself my own tasks, like the food, keeping up without any complaining, and just being cute.
We loaded our gear and began our walk to the trail head. He signed our names in the guestbook.
As we began our journey to the unknown, he said, “You know we might get wet, right? There are rivers to cross.”
I said, “Cool – I’m prepared for anything.”
He said, “That’s my girl.”
Ok – can I just say that I really like it when he says that – a lot!! It makes me feel special.
The hike began with soft sand that descended somewhat into a canyon. We were going into a riverbed. Then it was all boulders – no trail, just giant rocks. It was so awesome.
It was like a game of follow-the-leader mixed with a puzzle – It was the ultimate 3D live-action video game!! #nerdfitness
We had to figure out where we were going to step next, sometimes deciding the wrong way which led to a giant leap down, and then figuring out other ways to get down and around the rocks.
It was so much fun. We took turns leading, but I preferred him in front. It was less stressful for me to follow.
I kept thinking, “Don’t die – or worse, sprain your ankle.” #priorities
…and then he would tell me to be careful and not to sprain my ankle – WTF??? #psychic
We continued on, with little change in the landscape except for more foliage, which ended up in his socks and shoes.
I wore pants – He wore shorts. I secretly high-fived myself for doing something right without coaching!
After a couple of hours, we reached a point where we had to make a decision: Either we continue on to see more rocks and not much else, or we could turn around and see what other glorious adventures we could squeeze into our day.
We turned around – opting for squeezing more in – and we climbed back in the direction of the trail head.
We came to a big rock that was fairly flat and elevated like a ledge. We stopped there and “made camp” to pick the stickers out of his socks and have a snack….
… ❤ and other activities ❤ …
At first, I wasn’t fully mentally prepared for the “other activities,” but I snapped out of my mental dysfunction.
I had originally intellectually compartmentalized this day as “this is a hike between friends” #friendzone – even though he came back from the zombies.
It was a rough 4 days having to face the grim reality of a sexless existence, when I had the perfect game all planned out full of blissful sexual encounters.
I guess it just surprised me when he confessed that he had been scouting out for the perfect rock to play on.
And I surprised myself that I had not been thinking about that, especially when I had just been faced with a sexless existence. #friendzoneforever
In my defense, I actually was trying to not die or sprain an ankle. …
… But yay!! I recovered from that sexless friend-zone-only coma –
Thank the Universe that it was ONLY 4 DAYS – and hopefully I will not need to dwell in THAT hell again!
(Caveat – boys are stupid, so there is always the possibility – I will just play equally dumb and not think about it).
Life is short – Play naked.
He sat on the rock, and I was standing on the ground while we finished cleaning up his socks. I climbed up on the rock and sat with him.
I sat in front of him between his legs, my back to his chest, and he wrapped his arms around me, clutched my breasts, and I reached up behind me, grabbed his neck, and he kissed me. Ahhhh… (I’m such a girl)
…so was I willing to go there? – in nature?
“Mmmmm, challenge accepted,” I said.
I’m an adventurous unconventional girl – and yes, I did – I got fully undressed on the rock.
I got the most awesome bruise on my knee from that episode. I’m always hoping for a bruise or other mark that indicates that someone has been there on my body.
Afterward, we reclined on the rock, basked in the sun, and listened to nature … and we talked more… the sun felt really good.
There was a rock in front of us that had a chunk missing – it looked like a big button for a secret passageway. We were both hoping a new cave would be revealed and we would have more to explore. #nerdimagination
We got dressed. He jumped down from our rock and made his way over to that rock – He pushed the “button” – nothing visibly happened. DRAT!
We grabbed our gear carried on.
He said, “I love that I said ‘let’s have sex on that rock,’ and you said, ‘ok’ and didn’t even think about it.”
YES! Successful non-conventional super-cool goddess girl wins major brownie points for being naked in nature and doing it on a rock!!! High-five me!
And then he made this astute observation: “We have had sex on every hike we’ve been on.”
I said, “Yes we have. It’s a great goal. Let’s add that to our list of rules…and continue the streak.”
He added, “…and after every trip to the grocery store…”
And we laughed and then imagined what that would be like, putting the frozen food away, leaving some bags on the counter, so we could push them off the counter in the throes of passion, so we could do it on the counter!!!
❤ That’s so hott! ❤
**sigh** Here is someone who thinks like me – I never knew anyone who thought like me.
As we meandered back toward the trail head, we came upon the area of soft sand. I noticed areas of burned foliage, and the landscape didn’t look as familiar as I expected it to look.
“I don’t remember seeing that many burned trees,” I remarked.
We rounded a corner and came upon a group of men on the side of the mountain surrounded by freshly burned brush and trees – FIREMEN!
“Oh, I love firemen,” I said.
Shit, did I just say that out loud to the man I just had sex with on a rock??!! I have no filters.
We wished them a very chipper “good morning” (we just had sex – why wouldn’t we be chipper??) and we chatted with them a bit. They asked us if anyone else was down in the canyon. We said no, that we were the only ones.
They probably knew that – They may have wandered in and perhaps watched us. It wouldn’t be the first time, probably won’t be the last.
As it turned out, they were doing controlled burns on the hills – So while we were playing on the rocks, the firemen were blocking access to where we were (thanks for the privacy, gentlemen).
We reached the truck and began our drive back to town – chatting and being completely at ease –
We still had time to spend together before we had to adjourn to our “real lives,” so we decided to see a movie.
We bought tickets to Godzilla – We would have seen X-Men, but we were both obligated to see that the next day with our kids.
Godzilla itself was cheesy and campy, but I would expect that from a Japanese lizard monster who saves the planet from giant nuclear-energy-consuming bug-like creatures –
I was entertained nonetheless and enjoyed the movie and my amazing company – because it was my kind of movie and movie-going experience…with my hand between his thighs. My hand likes to be there, just saying 😉
We talked and laughed throughout the movie- thankfully because that’s how I watch movies 🙂
Then he took me home – and I was so happy. That was THE funnest “date” that I can remember ever going on…
…and I got a rock!
If I were anybody else, I wouldn’t have even gone with him that day – because the few friends who knew the story asked me why I was going (before the phone call) –
…and they said they would have been hung up on the trip he made to zombieland, nervous or anxious about a repeated leaving.
But I don’t live my life that way. The risks are worth the rewards.
Perfect and bulletproof are seductive, but they don’t exist in the human experience.
Confession 1: At one point, I did take in a sentence – an observation of an observation – that made me fully and totally a girl – I could just die! #diedofhappiness
He told me, “When my brother sees you and me – us – he wants what we have.”
Holy shit! I’m not sure what “we have” – since it is an undefined friendship of awesomeness with super powers and loads of fun and laughter, which I love – and holy shit, he sees it too and must enjoy it also… #getagrip
…and since I’m a girl and I cannot help myself, that little something made me do cartwheels inside myself. #insanitystrikesagain
Confession 2: Today I was feeling a little tired from a hard workout yesterday and strange hours of sleep – I might have just been bored too –
…but I was also feeling a little chest pain and shortness of breath … so I was either having cardiac arrest or…
I really like him and miss him???
Oh shit – that’s such a girl-thing! #damnitalltohell
I would kick myself, but it feels so good even though it feels kind of bad – a little scary in a warped way. I just have to remember “boys are stupid,” and I’ll be ok.
So here I am, gettin’ my crazy on. #crazybitch
Well, if that’s who and where I am, I will hopefully do the Buckcherry song justice – and add that to my list of goals!
My goals may be unconventional and ludicrous, but they are still MY goals…
Hey – You’re a crazy bitch
But you fuck so good, I’m on top of it
When I dream, I’m doing you all night
Scratches all down my back to keep me right on
Quotes above are from Maya Angelou, who will be missed and whose torch I will carry to the very best of my Goddess Abilities; Brené Brown’s Daring Greatly: How the Courage to Be Vulnerable Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent, and Lead,Charlie Brown from The Great Pumpkin, and Buckcherry lyrics to “Crazy Bitch.”