Handcuffs vs Velcro

Handcuffs vs Velcro

I was reading through some of the volumes of journaling I have written, and I came across some relationship definitions, which are just as relevant today as they were when I wrote them, oh about a year ago.

The beautiful thing about a journal and writing from the heart and soul – I have discovered what is profoundly ME. It’s awesome.

So even when I was a zombie (i.e. a wife or a girlfriend) and dreamed of something better – like maybe LIVING AGAIN, the “dreams” were really truly ME, and now that I am a goddess who walks and plays with the living, I really AM living my dreams. #adioszombies #goddessforever


Once upon a time…

One of my many spiritual teachers wisely noted that we learn about life and heal ourselves through “relationships.” Hmmm…

To me, based on my experience, “relationship” means being a zombie with another zombie.

I’m talking about the day-to-day bullshit of the business side of society’s traditional definition of a “relationship” – or worse… marriage.

Marriage sign 11

Marriage: Better start drinking now. It only gets worse from here.

The word “relationship” is too serious or something incomprehensible to me. #zombieatemybrains

“Making love” is also a phrase that I do not use. It kind of creeps me out. It takes the fun out of sex.

Sex is my competitive recreational sport – competitive in that I strive to be the best 🙂

I told this to Captain Amazing over cocktails and sushi one fine Sunday afternoon – yeah we can do that.

As a matter of fact, we both said it at the same time – not that THAT means anything – but it’s so nice to have common ground –

I said, “I want to be able to call you and say ‘I need to work on my pole vault – can you help a girl out?”

He said, “YES!” … and then we high-fived each other across the table and took another sip of whiskey.

God – I love my life right now! It’s just so awesome!

I’m still trying to invent another word for “relationship,” one which doesn’t have the negative connotation attached to it; a word that encompasses my view which includes the freedom and connection of two beings.

At this point then, society’s traditional definition of a relationship is my new word “relationshit” – and I don’t want one of those at all.

On the other hand, “friends with benefits” may be too cavalier – too much like a booty call every now and then with no substance or meaning, no talking, no hanging out. #onenightstandssuck


So I don’t want that either. I find myself somewhere in the middle of the spectrum between FWB and society’s definition of a relationship (i.e. relationshit).

When I open my handy-dandy dictionary, I see why the word “relationship” has the effect that it does, especially as it pertains to me and my interactions with members of the opposite sex.

Definition of RELATIONSHIP (as relevant to this piece)

1: a romantic or passionate attachment

2 : the relation connecting or binding participants in a relationship

I’m all for “binding” – with S&M popularity in fiction right now, Fifty Shades of Grey and others, a “binding” is extraordinarily appealing, at least the idea of it, especially when it is fun and games. #showmethehandcuffs

Perhaps the actual word “relationship” is not the anti-hero here. It’s the method of binding the participants.

My experience has been starting out as a romantic or passionate attachment, and then ending up being imprisoned – stuck, enmeshed, emotionally constipated. #exlaxplease

The binding becomes more like Velcro, and to detach, there is a very loud RIP and the constant risk of re-sticking rather than a clean break.

…or worse – cement shoes and you get pitched in the river of despair… #underwaterzombie

With handcuffs, you just unlock and they fall open – and you walk away. #don’tlosethekey

AND it’s mutually agreed upon – There are no assumptions. It is what it is.

I pulled out an old tarot card reading that I had been given at the onset of another special fling – and I realized that I was actually not too weird or broken for feeling the way that I feel – #findingmypeople

This describes me perfectly:

Being with others is beautiful and being alone is also beautiful. Then it is simple, too. You don’t depend on others and you don’t make others dependent on you. Then it is always a friendship, a friendliness. It never becomes a relationship, it is always a relatedness.

You relate, but you don’t create a marriage. Marriage is out of fear, relatedness is out of love.

You relate; as long as things are moving beautifully, you share.

And if you see that the moment has come to depart because your paths separate at this crossroad, you say good-bye with great gratitude for all that the other has been to you, for all the joys and all the pleasures and all the beautiful moments that you have shared with the other.

With no misery, with no pain, you simply separate.

Ahhh – that’s it!!

Of course, I have the caveat that there has to be “life upgrade” upon separation – No downgrading or backsliding allowed. That’s included in the contract 😉

I realize that life is not always blissful and people in any friendship can have disagreements or moments of awkwardness – Those are not reasons for separation. Those are moments of learning and growth.

And if you remove “fear” from the environment, then both of you will be allowed those moments of learning and growth without judgment and without the need to bolt.

The key is to lay out the needs/wants, the ground rules, the ideal method for problem-solving, what’s acceptable and what isn’t, along with the appropriate exit strategy…

This negotiation does not necessarily need to take place around a conference table, unless you’re going to do it” on the conference table.

– It can be over sushi and cocktails, or in your underwear in the kitchen. #victoria’ssecretnegotiates

I had the great fortune to have him as a captive audience and seductively speak in his ear … my terms were agreed upon.  #dirtytalkispowerful

OK – so I don’t have one word to describe my “enlightened intimate friendship of awesomeness” – nor do I have a label to describe the participants in this “web of relatedness” that society would comprehend.

I might have to create a symbol like Prince did when he changed his name. It actually doesn’t matter.

If we were at a party, I would introduce him simply as Captain Amazing, and if anyone decided to question what the nature of our friendship is –

  1. It’s none of that person’s business.
  2. We could provide a demonstration, sort of an impromptu, highly erotic “flash mob,” because I would be in my Mystique costume and he wouldn’t be able to keep his hands off me – not gonna lie.

That should clear up any confusion. 🙂 We would score 10s across the board. #sportofchampions

My friends will call it whatever they want in order to grasp what it is I am doing with my life – Ms. Spa already does… #callaspadeaspade


At the end of the day, bliss is what I have been seeking and BEING my true awesome self – and just hanging out with someone who can be his true awesome self, without a timeline or the burden of society’s warped expectations of how we relate to one another.

We do have a meaningful connection, without Velcro, and that’s all I really care about.

…PLUS we also have handcuffs – and they are so awesome! ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤


6 thoughts on “Handcuffs vs Velcro

    1. Of course, but you have to find someone whose philosophies are completely inline with that.

      My thing is – it’s not the end goal for me – I’m not opposed to any evolution of circumstances – as a matter of fact, I like change (I get bored), but marriage/partnership does not answer the question “why am I here?”

  1. Ms. Spa now understands it a bit more and you call it whatever you want. Ms. Spa only cares that you’re happy and you’re enjoying it for the both of us!

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