The Broken Hearts Club
In case anyone was wondering – divorce sucks.
It sucks for people without kids and sucks for people with kids and it sucks for the kids.
However, my kids will be the first to tell you that parents who are apart are way better than two miserable parents who are together – it’s the lesser of two evils.
I can say this: If you spend nearly half your life with one man, raise 3 incredible children, and successfully run a family and a house – and then suddenly be stabbed in the heart on the bathroom floor – be stripped of that life – even if it wasn’t bliss – it splits a gal in half. #truestory
How do you then remain the awesome super parent, create new life goals for the kids based on this new life you all have – AND create a career to support yourself and those amazing kids – AND be a strong sexy single woman with a fulfilling well-rounded life loaded to the brim with pleasure and friendships? #damniamgood #thejuggleisreal
It’s a very tall order. It takes so much discipline and time management. It requires a gym membership to slam a medicine ball, movie time with the kids, lots of lunches and games, friends and happy hours, and a few stiff drinks.
… and if a gal is really lucky, like me, the drinks aren’t the only stiff things in her life 😉 #iloveboys
And that’s really the point of this blog – Life doesn’t have to be serious. Sex is fun. Being single is awesome. I can talk about all of it and celebrate all of it – without fear.
– AND I can be the most awesome mom and super role-model on the planet (and wear a mini-skirt and heels…just saying).
I’m every woman.
I am woman – Hear me roar.
It took 6 years for me to finally be at peace – true peace – and at true forgiveness for the marriage I was in and for the participants of that marriage, myself included (allowing dysfunction requires forgiveness).
I wrote a letter to “him,” with no intention of sending it, so that the peace would be out there for the Universe to take note of…
…and Karma would know that I had learned my lesson – that I would no longer allow myself to be imprisoned in dysfunction – so that she could then bestow awesomeness upon me.
After all, Karma is a bitch, so I don’t have to be…until she tells me that someone needs a bitchslap from me… in which case, I’ve learned how to do that. So, I say – Thanks, Karma!
While I can juggle all of these things that life throws me – I am not perfect. I do not wish to be. #perfectionsucks
I teach my kids that mistakes are not the end of the world – learn, fix, move on. It’s really that simple.
However, I spent years trying to be perfect when there was no chance in hell that I would ever be perfect, and I endured persecution at every misstep –
This caused some ingrained patterns – a guardedness that took hold, such that when I think “I’m in trouble” or I have made a mistake, my heart races, my stomach drops, and I get a little panicky.
Sometimes, my spidey-sense will detect a disturbance in the Force, and I will enter that “fight or flight” state in anticipation of being in trouble or having made a mistake.
Unfortunately, since I endured that, my kids endure it as well. And there’s nothing I can do about it except love my kids and tell them how awesome they are –
-and I hope that my actions and my words will be woven into their precious psyches and become warm snuggly blankets for them on the long cold nights when they are afraid or have been yelled at.
It still breaks my heart though.
On Saturday, I got to spend some unexpected time with my daughter – due to an error on my part – which I graciously and unceremoniously said that I would take care of – because I love spending time with my daughter.
I cannot go into the details of the full story, but I can reveal the highlights as they pertain to me and my experience, because that’s all that is relevant.
I asked her what happened that day when we both got in trouble. She told me that she didn’t know it was coming but sensed it anyway… (she has my psychic gift)
…and she detailed the speech for me – She’s heard it often enough, so much so that she has it memorized.
I remembered that “walking on eggshells” feeling and that particular speech well – the not-so-colorful language and the atrocious things that were said when I was called a piece of shit and a disappointment and that I couldn’t do anything right.
I told her, “I’m so sorry,” and tried not to cry.
She said, “It’s ok.”
I said, “No, it’s not ok. I’m so sorry that I can’t do anything to fix it.”
But as we often do, we talk about a million different things when we are together, most of which are awesome, and a lot of which are about friends and boys.
She shared a “first time” experience that occurred earlier in the week, which she had texted me about so I knew about it, but the full detailed dirt was so incredible 🙂
…and I am quite pleased that I am in her special circle with her closest friends so that I am privy to special events in her life, what she loves, what she doesn’t love, what confuses her, and the who’s who of a teen’s world…
And mainly because she is an incredible young woman with an amazing personality – she is so damned funny – and it’s an honor to have her in my life.
…so while my heart is broken due to some of the things I cannot protect her from, I am so happy that she sees me as someone who deserves her love and friendship.
I’ve never had to demand respect from her because we have mutual respect for each other.
I just demand that she put her clothes away PLEASE and give me her work schedule in a more timely fashion… 🙂
You know what went down.
Work your magic please.