Skeletons In My Closet

Skeletons In My Closet: Maybe A Dementor Or Two

So, you know in horror movies when the girl says: 

“Oh no – I just heard a noise – I think there’s something in the basement. I’m going to run down there into the pitch black dark…in my underwear… and investigate…”

…And then she realizes she doesn’t have a weapon or a clue or any intelligence whatsoever…

…And you’re yelling at her through the TV or movie screen: “NOO! STOP!! Get help!!”

… But it’s too late – She’s already getting eaten by zombies. #ZombieInTheBasement

This story is just like that…

Demons are like obedient dogs; they come when they are called.

One night, Captain Amazing and I were having a conversation on the patio.

He asked me, “So do you have any skeletons in your closet?”


I thought and thought … I saw a tumbleweed blow through the empty space in my head … Nothing.


“Sadly, no,” I replied.

I was horrified at this.

How could I, the girl who loves to live, who does stupid embarrassing things, have no skeletons in any of my closets??

There’s got to be SOMETHING! I can’t be THAT boring, can I?? 


The next day, I packed my bag, grabbed my weapons and cleaning supplies, and went on a treasure hunt for skeletons – to find some secret that I could share with him.

I walked to my destination – 69 miles 🙂

I arrived at the long corridor of closets.


Each door was marked with a social subject.

I took a deep breath and faced the first door: Adventures In Sex.

Might as well start with the good stuff!

I opened the door. It was a beautiful, well-furnished room. It was well-lit and it smelled divine –

I inhaled deeply. I could smell my signature fragrance mix, Coco Chanel Mademoiselle and Love Spell… #ScentOfAWoman

… along with my favorite “man scent” – I have no idea what brand of cologne it was…  #ScentOfMan

…I just know that when I smell it, my passion fires up instantly, I get goosebumps everywhere, and my panties are instantly wet. #Instant-O

The last time I smelled that “man scent” was last fall. I had gone to a Bikram Yoga class with Mr. KC. It had been 5 or 6 months since we had “hung out” together.

Of course, in class, I positioned my mat in front of him, slightly left, so that he would have to look at my fine ass 🙂 I’m not stupid.

After that super sweaty yoga session, we went to our respective locker rooms to shower and clean up because we were going to dinner after.

I didn’t rush, but I didn’t want to take too long either.

I finished beautifying myself and walked into the hall – WHIFF – oh my god – I could smell his “man scent” in the hall.

My knees got weak, my eyes rolled into the back of my head, and I purred. I took a few deep breaths, and realized I was having a mini-orgasm. #ohmy


That’s what the Adventures In Sex room was like –

We are all born sexual creatures, thank God, but it’s a pity so many people despise and crush this natural gift.

I returned from that jaunt down memory lane and continued to look for the skeletons.

I had been in this spacious closet many times after the divorce, cleaning and polishing, making it pretty. It had been a long process, letting the skeletons out of this room…

…and they weren’t really skeletons…they were just taboo subjects that I wasn’t allowed to talk about.

And that’s really what a skeleton is – something you’re ashamed of –

When you’re trapped in the zombie apocalypse, the skeletons hunt you down to keep you there…throw the Insecurity Blanket on you.

If you’re able to speak the skeleton’s name and give it a hug, then you’re able to set yourself free and clean out the closet.

As I had set each skeleton free, I had replaced it with a photograph – a memory.

And then the room and former skeletons didn’t haunt me anymore.

I went around the room and looked at my memories, and I saw the following: Naked pictures and sexting – I have quite a collection and someone out there has quite a collection – Drunk sex that I don’t remember at all … public sex a few times – 🙂 High-five myself! …

… sex with a man who was not my boyfriend when I had one – not a fine moment.

There were friends-with-benefits. #fwb

Oooo, a threesome in college – two men and me- 🙂 High-five myself! Although there was no “full sex,” it still counts. #tricycle

I’ve FAKED AN ORGASM!!! – Duh, what girl hasn’t???!!!

ELAINE: I faked it.
JERRY: That whole thing, the whole production, it was all an act?
ELAINE: Not bad huh?
JERRY: What about the breathing, the panting, the moaning, the screaming?
ELAINE: Fake, fake, fake, fake.

I have enjoyed erotic literature – and learned how to give a blow job by reading porn.

I have also masturbated while driving a car in broad daylight – That was some kind of awesome – again high-five myself! 🙂

Ducking for apples — change one letter and it’s the story of my life.

No extra-marital affairs on my part though – I would NOT have done it, but in hindsight, it is a little disappointing that there was never the opportunity.

I was a zombie though – who wants to be with a zombie??

It’s a pretty tame list – but long enough that I can’t be President of the United States, which is fine. #highfivemyself

I don’t know who would want that suck-ass job anyway.  #suckstosuck

As I walked around, I found a small box under the bed. It was unmarked, but I recognized it.

“Ok – good,” I thought.

It’s not a HUGE deal, but I’m not throwing into my public list, so it qualifies as something that I can share. Sweet!

I finished in this room – I put the little box in my backpack.

Other than that, there is nothing terribly exciting to report here, and since he is a man, his list is probably full of awesomeness – not that I’m comparing lists –

I left the Adventures In Sex room and moved on to the next room: Legal and Anti-Legal

I solemnly swear that I am up to no good.

Oh my – this should be fun!

The door was creaky and a little stuck – It hadn’t been opened in a long time. The room was dark and dusty, with a few cobwebs here and there. I took out my flashlight and began looking around.

I saw the places where the skeletons used to be – where they left a shadowy outline – but the skeletons were gone.

One shadowy outline was marked –  Jail…

I chuckled at that thought – Actually, kissing a boy saved my ass and prevented me from getting into REAL trouble. 🙂

That exciting adventure – can be found right here >> Singing Jail-Bird

I walked around this room – all that remained was getting kicked out of a bar for dancing on a table and stealing shot glasses.

Oh, and stealing toilet paper out of public bathrooms to go TP houses occasionally.

Pretty tame – no skeletons here.

I left that room, shut the door, and looked across the hall. There were two doors: One was labeled Food And Self-Loathing, and the other was unmarked.

Shame is a soul-eating emotion.

I didn’t really need to go inside the Food And Self-Loathing room because that is a closet I frequent often, and I have its contents memorized.

This area is constantly being explored as I heal, grow, and learn. When I was young, the Adventures In Sex room was full of skeletons – Those memories that I celebrate now weren’t events I embraced 25 years ago.

I can say that like probably many other teen girls in the 1980s, I dabbled in starving myself. When I was a senior in high school, I ran to school every morning, a couple of miles, and I only ate an apple for lunch – often that was all I ate…

…because once I outgrew the “baby fat” – I didn’t want that coming back.

And then I learned how to be bulimic from Meredith Baxter-Birney an NBC television movie “Kate’s Secret” – #tviseducational

That became an on-again, off-again routine in self-punishment for anything I was feeling bad about throughput most of college. A binge was comforting, until I had guilt, and then I had to punish myself.

If you liked being a teenager, there’s something really wrong with you.

It was a vicious circle – and it kept opening up wounds inside my soul.

And I still never wanted to be fat.

Not everyone purges – But the most frequent feelings of helplessness that I hear from clients when it comes to food – the cravings and the binge… and then the guilt that follows.

And the binge is an attempt to stuff that empty hole inside yourself with something that isn’t going to hit you, yell at you, or tell you bad things about you…

…or fill the lonely void or the boredom – or to just stop feeling anything at all for just little while.

I have an understanding about the perpetual dieter’s plight – insight into his/her disease – that a meal plan is not going to cure.

No skeletons here anymore.

Accept who you are. Unless you’re a serial killer.

I went to the last room on this hallway tour: The scary unmarked door.

“I wonder what’s in there…” I thought.

I opened the door – There was fog hovering over the ground and a chill in the air. I shivered as I stepped inside.

The door slammed behind me, leaving me in the dark. I removed my flashlight and turned it on.

I shone my light throughout the room. I didn’t see anything except cobwebs and fog, and then I saw stairs leading down into a basement.

I took a deep breath, walked toward the stairs, and descended.

It is the unknown we fear when we look upon death and darkness, nothing more.

Go ahead and yell at me – NOOO!! STOP!!! GET HELP!!!

I reached the bottom of the stairs and I arrived in an empty room…

…empty except for three ring boxes on the floor, each unmarked.

I walked over to the boxes and picked up the first one. I examined it and shook it – nothing rattled. It seemed fairly familiar. My stomach did a little flip-flop.

I lifted the lid and a chilly mist arose from it. I looked inside. Oh, yeah…

I put the lid back on, set the box down, and then approached the second box.

The second box started jumping around before I picked it up.

My hands started to shake and I slowly reached for that box…

The lid popped off and startled me. I jumped back, and my left ear began to hurt – searing pain – I fumbled around for the lid to put it back on tightly. The box settled down, but my hands did not stop shaking.

I placed that box back on the floor, and I moved to the third box.

As I stepped toward this third box, my ear was throbbing, and then my shoulder ached – the two most significant injuries in my body –

Terror, when you come home and notice everything you own had been taken away and replaced by an exact substitute. It’s when the lights go out and you feel something behind you, you hear it, you feel its breath against your ear, but when you turn around, there’s nothing there…

I heard a haunted howl – like a banshee – I reached down and lifted the lid.

A Dementor-like creature, 10 feet high, covered in a dark hooded cloak of long, ripped black cloth, emerged from the box. Its body looked like a decomposing corpse, and it breathed deep rattling sounds –

It held out one scaly hand to grab me, and the other hand clutched an Insecurity Blanket – This thing wanted to suck out my soul and turn me into a zombie.

Of course, I had to use the Patronus charm – Expecto Patronum – to defend myself. #harrypotterrules

The creature was sucked back into the box. I shoved the lid back on and sealed it – and then I turned and ran up the stairs as fast as I could.

I ran out of the unmarked door and locked it.

I can run fast because I train with the Zombie Apocalypse Survival Workout.

Those will remain there – untouched – locked away. 

I walked out into the sunlight and reached into my backpack for a piece of chocolate.

All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn’t hurt.

Feeling quite relieved that I found skeletons, I walked the 69 miles back home.

I’m not so boring after all

There are a few demons that I have no intention of sharing…not yet anyway. There are still problems that need solving.






Quotes above are by Remy de Gourmont, Marilyn Monroe, Seinfeld, Dorothy Parker, JK Rowling, CG Jung, Ellen DeGeneres, Stephen King, Charles Schultz.

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