Aha Moments: AKA My Spirit’s Rotten Tooth
I’m catching up and catching up – and will be going to bed soon.
I hadn’t sent in my evaluation for The Daily Love retreat, so I typed that out and emailed it to our coordinator.
I wasn’t sure if I wanted to just spill my spiritual guts all over the place – This shit is deeply personal.
I didn’t know some of it was inside of me still. I figured there must have been something rotting in there because I know that there is so much BIGNESS inside of me that is just yearning to be seen and heard….
…yet I trip myself up and my voice gets weak along with my strength.
Yes, I have been revealing the intimate details of my private life to my audience; however, that is in celebration of my voice and confidence.
So what is it that has been keeping me small? Especially when people tell me all the time how strong and brave I am, which doesn’t feel like bravery to me. It’s just me!
I Know My Life’s Purpose
I was close to knowing it. I’ve been reviewing some of my writing – and I was sooo close. There are two key words (well three for me because I need a descriptive adjective) from which all other yummy good feelings derive.
The main one was the hardest to figure out. It took me a day and a half, looking at what emotions I don’t want to feel, and finally dining with Mastin to figure out the word.
I discovered that in the past, in order to be “seen” or feel “belonging,” I had to be perfect, sneak it and seek it (gym, tennis, friendships, work) or be alone.
The main feeling I don’t want is “unworthiness” which I had all the time in the past because I existed, wasn’t perfect, and wasn’t seen or included. The others are “disempowered” and “imprisoned.”
I was stumbling over the fact that I love being alone, but when Mastin and I talked about it more, he said I was like him – and that the “being alone” was my quality time with my SELF and Ms. Higher Power – #truestory
When I wrote this in Hawaii, my main awesome feeling word was “belonging” – and the other word was “playful adventure.” At the time, my purpose state was: The purpose of my life is to feel belonging with my Authentic Self and my Higher Power and feel the playful adventure that results while inspiring others to feel the same.
After time passed and much meditation and trying the purpose on for size and fit, however, I realized that there was a better word than “belonging” – remembering that these words are the “master” words from which all other goodness derives. My belonging has been something I created, as well as my adventures, sometimes out of nothing, sometimes out of just paying attention – so “creativity” is actually my master word.
The purpose of my life is to cultivate creativity
within myself and my Higher Power
and enjoy the adventure that results
while inspiring others to feel the same.
From that, I developed the purpose of my life’s work is to inspire creativity in my clients’ lives.
That opens the door to everything I want to do – and has opened the floodgates of infinite possibilities for myself.
Bigger AHA: Permission
On Sunday, July 6th, my real emotional breakthrough occurred. I was finally broken open enough to pull out the rotten tooth that was buried deep inside myself.
I happened to wear my swimsuit to class that day because we planned on going to the beach on our afternoon break, and I didn’t want anyone waiting for me.
I didn’t know how significant that decision was going to be.
We talked about “permission” – and that we are all probably still seeking permission from someone in order to really be present and live fully.
My assignment was to write a letter to myself from that person, giving me permission to do whatever it is I want to do, and then to write a second letter to myself FROM myself, again giving me permission to BE.
As my pen started writing, the tears started and my hands shook. I couldn’t believe that this stupid little feeling was the cement block I was tethered to. I cried and cried as I wrote, and then again as we partnered up and shared our letters.
When Mastin asked, “Who would like to share?” I raised my hand and told him that he had finally broken me open.
He handed me the microphone, and as I grabbed it from his hand, I decided that sitting in the group was not where I needed to be to declare my freedom.
I stood up and walked the short way to the “stage” and turned around to face my new friends.
I sat my bikini-clad body down in the chair with poise and elegance, and I told them the back story of these letters….
…that Mr. Ex (aka Lex Luthor) refers to me as “kids mother” on all correspondence, and actually spent quite a bit of time denying my existence. It was an emotionally abusive marriage and a far worse divorce.
Interestingly, the way I have been treated is how my kids are treated as well, so I wrote this letter for them also, with very profound consequences that reached across the ocean.
Here is my letter to myself from him:
I used your name here because you deserve to have one.
You have been the most amazing mom to our kids. They thrive emotionally with you, and they are so incredible. I’m so proud of them and who they are – and I have to thank you because I never have in the 22 years I have known you.
I have never thanked you or believed in you, even though you demonstrated more times than I can count how capable you are of doing anything that’s asked of you, anything you set your mind to, and you did it all, not just to do it, but to be great at it.
Mindy – I used your name again because you deserve to have one.
When I told you what you should wear, that you weren’t attractive, not good enough, and that nobody liked you and certainly nobody would hire you for anything, I was wrong.
I understand that the more successful you are, the more you’ll give to others, especially our kids.
So if I held you back with those words, let me say this – Go and be successful, and I will send you my best wishes with peace and forgiveness. BE success and BE yourself.
Mindy – You deserve a name.
….and then I read my letter to myself from myself…
You exude magic and joy to everyone around you…
…and the more than 5000 clients you have had in the past 5 years should be more than enough proof, if you really need proof, that you belong to the planet and everyone in it…
…that you have a voice that expresses awesomeness and you believe in others so they can express their awesome voices.
You never have to change WHO you are to BE who are…
…Go show the world WHO YOU ARE and tell your story – because you inspire me.
I’m so proud of the incredible difference you’ve been in making the world a better place for you and your kids…
…and I’m excited for the adventures to come!
Your Authentic Self & Ms. Higher Power
PS – Celebrate your awesomeness and WEAR WHATEVER THE FUCK YOU WANT!!!
It was at that point, that I received a standing ovation, screams, cheers – Mastin looked at me, applauding.
I tried to hand the microphone back to him, but he pushed it back. I bowed and curtsied – and then Dylan the DJ (also our valiant spider fetcher) turned up the music, and we had an impromptu dance party.
Mastin had me get up on the cushions and dance – I bounced like I was on a trampoline – and all of the girls were dancing and cheering and singing and laughing – It was so amazing.
Freedom was finally mine!
I don’t think Mastin had planned on having that kind of celebration after each share – but each person who followed me came to the front of the room and faced all of us –
It’s far more powerful to speak your truth face to face than sitting hidden in the audience.
Freedom, belonging, and playful adventure are giving me all that I want – and my bravery has been ignited, as I am being encouraged to speak to larger audiences and be involved in really changing the world.
It’s terrifying and exciting – Like facing that first zipline – or the top of the roller coaster.
I love my life ❤
It’s time to get that Mystique costume ready!