How Do I Feel About That?

How Do I Feel About That? So Much Win!

Isn’t that fascinating?

Ms. Spa called me last night to follow up on a couple of business items – I’m helping her with her website and marketing. She also asked how things went with Captain Amazing.

She is living vicariously through me, so she needed to know if we had great sex, so she could feel equally satisfied.

I told her it was so awesome, and that there were conversations that required “girl talk” debriefing, but that it was all good…that he and I talked about so much, everythings and nothings…and that I was writing them down.

She said, “I want that – to be able to talk about everything with a man.”

#becarefulwhatyouwishfor

She asked if he and I were going to go out. I told her that he had things to do and had to study for his fantasy football draft, so I was free to make plans to do something else.

Note – I am privy to the intricate formulas and data in the spreadsheet with all of the player statistics and how they are ranked by standard deviation – I was there at its inception and assisted in the sorting of the data, at which point, he turned to me, put his hands on my face, and said, “kiss me now please.”

She asked if I was upset that the plans for a Saturday night were changed that day, because she would have been mad.

I said, “No, not at all – we were playing it by ear. I have my kids and he has his kids – so it’s really not a big deal. I saw him Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, and earlier this morning anyway. I think we’ll survive.”

Of course, then she read his confessions and immediately texted me to ask how I feel about this? #wtf #howismyfriend

I thought about her question on my walk this morning –

How do I feel? … and I feel amazing, strong, free, independent, wanted, and victorious – “I WIN!”

Men and women date all the time – that’s how you find out who fits with you.

I like the speed of this thing I am in – I have given him the reins and the gas pedal –

Therefore, I accept what he has determined as the pace that fits his comfort level and where he is emotionally, so he is safe to make a good decision for himself and his family.

I did say to him with a great deal of emphasis, “I want you to know that I’m the best decision you’ve ever made when it comes to women.” …just so things are crystal clear…

I do really like that he has placed me in the “together for a long time” category – It gives me warm fuzzies.

I will speak up if I change my mind – but that’s what I would say – “I’ve changed my mind,” rather than complaining about what I have given him the freedom to dictate.

This “thing” works for me.

I want a real man who has really lived and who speaks with me on my level, which is with a higher level vocabulary and with sex woven into it – and someone who will be nerdy with me – be OK sitting on the floor – who will allow me to get dirty (literally and figuratively) – and who listens to my music and sings with me – and who enjoys hearing me laugh and laughs with me (he knows what I’m talking about), be a little bit twisted, and also be more than ok with the fact that I love my kids and have a non-stereotypical nontraditional relationship with them.

Basically, he has to be brave enough to proceed with the intention of accepting all of me – that’s a tall order, but it is not a license for abuse.

The biggest coward of a man is to awaken the love of a woman without the intention of loving her.

At this point, I believe he qualifies as a “real man” under my definition and that his intention is to accept me and keep me around.

In order to get what I want, I have to be willing to reciprocate, with the intention of accepting all of him, which is also not a license for abuse.

I contemplated what Ms. Spa said she wanted – to be able to have those kinds of conversations with a man….of course, that was prior to reading what the conversations were about.

Now there is still a lot that he and I have not shared – with each of us having over 40 years of living – and he and I REALLY LIVE – there are a lot of stories that haven’t even surfaced.

…but I’m not afraid of those stories, nor am I going to judge him for them. They are the fabric of who he is.

I cannot and will not speak on his behalf, but from what he has told me and shown me, he is not afraid of my stories either.

…and that is the foundation for this friendship/datingship/relationship – relatedness thing – whatever you want to call it – that there is no judgment and we are safe to say anything.

So while I was walking, I asked myself, “How many women would be able to sit there and have that conversation with a man she really likes and hear him tell her about his other dates – without coming unglued or throwing a drink on him or stabbing him with darts?”

Certainly Carrie Underwood wouldn’t or couldn’t…

slash

I don’t have the real answer – I don’t know how many would.

I only care about what I would do and how I feel about it – realizing that there might be something fundamentally wrong with me.

– and it was awkward at first and then entertaining –

However, because this is what I want, I must do more than “talk the talk” – I have to “walk the walk.”

Women want honesty and openness. I wonder though if they are willing to listen to what the man shares AND not freak out.

Furthermore, when talking about wants and needs – I wonder if women actually express what they want? I know I have had a difficult time with this in the past.

I also wonder if they allow a man to express what he wants.

How do women react when he tells her what he wants, either in bed or out of bed? Because he might want something outrageous – 🙂

… or does she say, “No, you’re not having that” and then proceed to argue or complain or bitch?

In the past, I have dated 2 men who probably would have worked for a lot of other women, but not me – because they did not fit me – I did not feel safe to say anything or share my true outrageousness with them –

I always felt smothered and like I was trapped within an inauthentic version of myself, and I was suffering. I wouldn’t want anyone to feel that.

They needed a woman who was more ladylike in behavior and reactions and also someone who didn’t have intellectual, philosophical, or emotional discussions.

Believe me, I get my girly on – but not in a stereotypical womanly way –

In grooming, yes – although my wardrobe is not “sophisticated woman” generally speaking.

In behavior, no.

Those men also didn’t do the kind of living that I have done and want to continue to do – I’m not judging – I’m just very, very different, and I know that about myself.

Therefore, it is extremely important that Captain Amazing feels amazing as well – that he is free to be authentic, that he can share his journey of what he is experiencing in his life with someone who is not going to bite his head off.

In our time together, he has shown me how to celebrate my courageousness more so than any other teacher/mentor I have had.

And that truly means the world to me.

How do I feel?

I feel amazing, free, independent, strong, safe, excited, comfortable, passionate, victorious.

I WIN! #somuchwin

 

Quote above is by Bob Marley

 

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