How To Get Your Freak On ~
Without Freaking Your Partner
I was given the opportunity to offer my “expert” advice in a column on askmen.com in the area of “kinking” up the sex life – trying bondage, sex in public, getting a little rough, without freaking out your partner.
It’s important to note that I am NOT a sex therapist.
I am a REAL woman who has a healthy and super fun sex life. I can and do talk about it. I listen to stories about how couples meet, about their sex lives, their orgasms, lack of orgasms, lack of sex, and their longing for it.
I have learned quite a bit about men and women –
Aha moment #1 (HUGE, and I’m not talking about size here) –
The men who aren’t getting quality sex in their marriages actually complain most about a lack of connection or passion, not necessarily lack of frequency, although there is quite a bit of that too.
Ladies – Did you read that correctly? The guys don’t want obligatory masturbatory type sex just as much as we don’t want to repaint the ceiling.
My playmate, Captain Amazing, seems to enjoy himself with me, so I am confident that my healthy, albeit slightly twisted and definitely kinky sex life is not just me flying solo.
Therefore, my “wisdom” could and should be quite helpful to someone – again noting this is coming from a real person who is an expert via experience.
Everything I discuss below is with the caveat that the partnership is safe, monogamous or within the boundaries of what they consider a healthy commitment, and contains mutual respect for one another – both are consenting responsible adults, gay or straight.
There is no diagnosis contained herein, nor am I advising anybody on medical or legal matters. If there is a true medical or therapeutic need, the appropriate professional should be contacted.
The other important relevant note: I’ve been one of the women who didn’t have the opportunity to kink things up to get the kinks out during marriage, so I’ve been on a quest to up the ante in a healthy “sophisticated” way for the past 7 years post marriage and release my repressed slutty ho.
I think I finally figured it out! I also know that the slutty ho inside of me is awesome, and flirting is probably one of my favorite hobbies. Yes, it is a skill and a talent.
It is possible to change the course of your orgasmic destiny.
Fundamentally, there has to be an emphasis on open communication. Talk about what you want emotionally and sexually. It is freeing to have such conversation. If that conversation cannot happen, then nothing will improve.
If you both want sexual freedom and exploration – there can be no boring obligatory sex – and if you want to give each other fantasies, you must create a safe environment to do that.
- Safe – meaning we can say anything, without getting slapped or yelled at.
- No judgment
- Exit clause/strategy.
Some of the men who discuss their issues with me express that they can’t even have the conversation to improve things in the bedroom – That is so sad. Their women simply shut down.
Ladies – Please listen to your man with an open mind, an open heart, and with open legs. He’s not going to put you in harm’s way. Sex is supposed to be fun. It’s adult playtime!
Here is an excellent book that may shed some light on a man’s real perspective, not the media-generated one: Dear Lover by David Deida.
Even if it seems awkward – everything will feel so much better once you start the conversation. I hope you’re ok with the basics – “penis” and “vagina” – and if not, practice saying them.
If you are, then you might have to just start with being comfortable saying words like pussy, cock, fuck, cum – They are just words, but they are also empowering.
Since Captain Amazing is fielding questions that I send to him, I shared this article opportunity with him. His response:
‘Don’t ask…just do it or tell her what to do. If she says no, find another woman.’
That might seem a little harsh, but I have to agree. I will not be with a man who is not willing to have these conversations with me – I don’t care how nice he is. I wouldn’t expect anything less from the man I am with.
Fantastic sex is THAT important – it’s a sport and more than a sport – and any of you football fans can understand that!
Guys – Take a note from Captain Amazing and take a little firm initiative and just say what you want before you ask her what she wants. Sometimes women who have little experience with fantasies or orgasms simply don’t know what they want or even what is possible or that you want to talk about it or what you’ll think of them for talking about it.
It’s highly likely that she has no idea what is possible or what you’re even talking about.
This is your opportunity to be a kind teacher of the kink you desire. You boys watch way more porn than we women do- that’s a fact –
She also may have self-image issues. Talk about smells and textures, how good they feel, how they turn you on, how much you love them -so she can relax into the pleasure dome.
The media have put so many unrealistic expectations on us women – and it gets really challenging to be in our skin and accept ourselves for who we are fully.
So if we know, I mean really KNOW in our hearts and souls, that you accept us as we are, fully, with our kinky side and our angelic side, with our small front side and robust back side, that will really help move things along.
Both – If there is trouble with the female orgasm or perhaps he is not lasting very long or staying erect, maybe start with masturbating together, or even something slow and gentle like the course OneTaste offers – the 15-minute orgasmic meditation. They have an online class.
I would also recommend books by David Deida, like The Enlightened Sex Manual–
Just curious – when did you last flirt with each other?? Dirty text??
Then maybe add food – whipped cream, cherries in the belly button, body frosting…How about an ice cube? Lick a banana?
Then move to sugar lube – warming up lubricants – massages – Things that are new and different.
Introduce a vibratorand then maybe a variety of them – Good grief, there are about 5000 styles, sizes, speeds, etc.
My first foray into sexual fantasy really began with just talking about it. These conversations were always playful as well.
I told him the story of buying my first vibrator, and I shared the written story.
A vibrator is a great introduction to new things. He had one that he purchased for his ex-wife when they first got married. She refused to use it, so it had been sitting in a closet. He was so excited to try it out on a willing participant.
He asked if I trusted him. We had had enough conversations that I did.
Guys – Women must feel safe – physically and emotionally, especially if you want to add kink. A woman also needs to know she is with a real man – Real men are our our protectors who keep us safe.
He blindfolded me and kept me dressed and proceeded to apply the vibrator. It was amazing! (might explain his name).
One day, we tried the handcuffs on – just to test them out. I had a blast!
The real game can be read here >> Divine Date Night – It was so much fun – Again, he asked me if I felt safe – That is a very important thing, Guys.
When he shared one of his fantasies with me, we watched the porn video so I had a visual aid. This was actually post-sex, which brought a great deal of objectivity to the viewing – It was like a science project, so I could see how I could position myself.
I may not ever be able to do it like a porn star – but I am putting forth the effort, and it is super fun to try!
He asked me some of my fantasies – I looked up a few positions I have never tried and sent those to him.
…I’m also choreographing a lap dance 🙂
Just striving to be the best, most fantastic, sexual partner, living out his fantasies actually is my biggest fantasy – and it is such a turn on for me – so much win!
I have unleashed my incredibly strong, confident, sexy slutty self – full of femininity, creativity, and primal urges!
Yes – I texted him and explained my primal urges and my wetness problem to see if he had an adequate solution for me – I’m going over to visit him shortly 😉