So Monday was rather suckish….for reasons that made me say “Holy Shit – what was that??!! What the fuck did I do???”
I was so hungover yesterday, and I hadn’t had anything to drink – and sadly, I had had no sex.
Yet, I felt that overwhelming need to apologize for having way too much fun, like I went on a drinking and sex bender –
–one of those one-night stands that you crawl home the next day, and a memory flashes before your eyes, requiring you to hold your head and scream out in pain, and you just want to die —
“OMG, what did I do to myself???”
I have discovered in recent years that I can develop a hangover from a variety of activities (living the “high” life) where drinking alcohol is not involved, like having great sex.
It had been a rare occurrence that I first experienced in November 2012, and it happened maybe 2 or 3 times with that guy.
It didn’t happen again until my adventures with Captain Amazing.
And since it’s happening fairly regularly, it’s quite…um…crazy…With physical cravings, shaking hands, dizziness, sweating, cloudy thinking, inability to walk…
What I learned this weekend – I can actually have kid hangover. #wtf
During the last 7 years of my post-marriage kid adventure, I did notice that I would be “sad” after a weekend with the kids – and at the same time, relieved because I could actually clean my dwelling and have some quiet time – I mean quiet – QUIET – QUIET!
My kids have only met 3 guys I have dated, one was fun and had 3 kids who were my kids’ ages (that was just a summer of fun and not a relationship) …
… and the other 2 were both total disasters – Those guys were not fun and were actually jealous of my relationships/friendships between my kids and me. So obviously NEXT –
So now, my kids are older, and the 4 of us have a rather rigorous screening process when it comes to anyone hanging out with all of us.
He has to be somewhat nerdy, have an absolute love/obsession with superheroes and Marvel movies, and allow a lot of playing, sitting on the floor, being stupid, joking, speaking in a way that the so-called “normal” people would find offensive…
…OK, so check to all of the criteria above so far…
That’s not the issue – I am soooo over worrying about any guy who would be pissy with me spending quality time with my kids and question the manner in which I spend that time….
…so if we are all watching a movie, and my 13-year-old wants to sit on my lap on the floor, she is going to – no questions, no discussing this – It’s non-negotiable.
None of this was questioned – no pissiness – It was absolute BLISS!
So far, so good – Captain Amazing can hang with us.
However, with the exception of the one guy above, I have never dated someone with kids who were still kids…or whom I met…
Yep, I love my kids. They are awesome. They quote pop culture until it becomes the fabric of their language and then they produce spin-offs. All teens probably do it, but mine are very skilled. Except they sometimes cite the original source – and it ruins the moment. #ruiner
However, I don’t love ALL kids – For the same reasons above, not all can hang with us. A few can and do, and those that do – they are awesome.
The ones that don’t and can’t – well they haven’t been parented the way I parent or they lack the open-mindedness or thick skin or funness required of being a member of our tribe – and in either scenario, I can leave those kids.
And I have never, in my entire life, looked forward to spending time with kids other than my own and perhaps 1 or 2 of their friends (but not their friends by themselves)…
…until now…and I don’t know what to do.
RELEVANT FUN FACTS ABOUT ME
I have unique boundaries. #duh
So there was a quasi-serious conversation that took place last Friday morning in bed, one in which I was instructed to not get “too attached.”
This is it – I have no hidden agenda – This is it! (I’m making a circle motion above myself)
There is no issue, since I am the
queen goddess of commitment-phobia, although I’m not a love addict or love avoidant, and I’m definitely not a co-dependent.
However, I have been a love addict once in my life and definitely a love avoidant for the majority of my life, and I’m not afraid to admit that.
I do not want any man (or other adult) to be dependent upon me, nor do I want to ever be dependent on any man – EVER – for the rest of my life.
I do not want to be responsible for any man, and I don’t want any man to be responsible for me.
I love fun –
I am ALL IN.
I live for moments – all kinds – I get sucked in and single-focused. I give each moment at least 100% of what I have to give in that moment.
Sometimes I’m tired, so my 100% is not as strong as other days, but I’m THERE – I’m ALL IN.
I follow directions, unless I’m rebelling or running away…Or I forget. #whatmemory
Sunday – Shiz Got Real
I invited one of his sons to walk my friend’s 5 dogs with Youngest and me. He said it sounded good and asked if he and his other son could join.
YES! Super fun!!
…It started at the park – and I asked Youngest to hold the leash of my assigned dog – and that was it. I was climbing the rock wall, taking the 2-year-old over the suspension bridge and onto the twisty slide…I swung on the monkey bars…
…and then it transitioned to football…and where I lost all sense of my senses…I played so hard that I didn’t know where I was or what I was doing…I lost track of time…
…I wrestled a 2-year-old – We ate Otterpops, played catch, colored on the chalkboard, raced cars, played HedBanz Game (BTW, I drew the unicorn card!!) and Legos, dive-bombed beanbag chairs, played in the backyard, and watched Captain America: The Winter Soldier .
…it went on all night…
The details are blurry – but it was the
worst best binge – a playing spree – unrestrained indulgence…
I was ALL IN – 500% – until I was spent.
I paid for it yesterday. I thought I had nothing left in the tank – I was wrong – I was full of tears and regret…
I spent my Monday incredibly hungover, crying, practicing the apology I felt I needed to make for having had way too much fun….and for the thing I don’t want to admit out loud to anyone EVER – #denial
Those were the boys I was looking for – and that is avoidance. #boycrazy
I can’t even write the real words down – I am the biggest idiot that ever lived!
WTF did I do???!!
Do I miss my kids that much??? #struggleisreal
I guess I do. I hate to admit that. The saddest part is that I’ve had to spend the last 7 years with a leash around my heart because it hurts a lot when they leave…
…and I guess I’ve gotten used to it…that helpless emptiness…That having to be an adult because my kids aren’t around…
WTF did I do???!!
I have never experienced anything like this before. #shizgotreal
And I don’t even know how to apologize for feeling so shitty – I feel like I crushed the world, when all I did was crush myself.
I don’t even know if “shitty” is the right word – Maybe it’s growth?? Hurts so good?? Fear???
I laugh in the face of fear – HA HA HA!!!
How do I apologize when I am facing demons from my past – not even demons really – I think I actually slipped into a life I don’t have anymore, like I was in a hologram.
…Wait a minute -I shouldn’t have to apologize for having fun and for being myself – even if it was 500% of myself – and showering kids with love and laughter and playing –
All kids deserve that, even the ones who don’t fit into my tribe. I deserve that too.
SO NOT SORRY! Here are 7 things we women should never be sorry about.
The best hangover remedy is more of what made you hungover in the first place! So let me just order up more play time – in all the ways I love to play 😉
Here are the 5 most common regrets that people have on their deathbed:
1. I wish I’d had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me.
2. I wish I didn’t work so hard.
3. I wish I’d had the courage to express my feelings.
4. I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends.
5. I wish that I had let myself be happier.
I don’t see anywhere on that list:
“I wish I had less sex” or
“I wish I hadn’t played so hard with great kids.”
So I might be ok after all…I just wish this hangover would end so I can get on with my life!!
Oh, and none of those will be my regrets on my deathbed.