The Terror That Chokes Me

There’s no escaping the jaws of this…

I’ve been facing and moving through some of my big fears, like my fear of heights; however, I’m facing my BIGGEST fear – my one true terror – and it’s rendering me helpless and speechless.

I’d rather have Captain Amazing tie me up and beat me with the paddle than face the terror that is surrounding me.

Fear serves two main purposes:

1. It’s supposed to jack you up with enough adrenaline to fight a threat.

2. To etch that experience into your brain so you know to avoid that threat in the future.

Sometimes it flubs the first task, but it does the second one particularly well.

I’m evidently all jacked up.

I’m in the midst of true terror – fear that interrupts my life, distracts me, and chokes me.

Obviously I suffer from extremely impaired judgment because I keep putting myself in danger – I’m drawn to it like a moth to a light –

I go there because in the moment that I’m there, I feel safe and warm, and fear dissipates…

…of course, then I realize that I’ve landed on the fucking SUN! #struggleisreal

…The fear returns when I leave…and if any memory pops into my head…

…I can feel the pressurized terror crawl up the back of my neck, into my head where my brain is being squeezed in a vice, and then it moves down and grabs the front of my neck – and literally chokes me out – and then I suffer from sharp stabbing chest pain because I can’t breathe…

I’ve described this phenomenon to him as a “craving,” like chocolate or ice cream or Fireball whiskey, because that’s what it feels like – an overwhelming need to have him now

I get shaky and kind of agitated…I fantasize about it, and then I gotta have it – and if I didn’t have to work around his schedule, I would go get it right now…have it whenever I want. #itsathing #boycrazy

It probably IS a craving- and my “choking” is DTs (deep throat withdrawals) – which we’ve been working on, and I’m getting quite good at it… #sportofchampions

After all, if his cock is deep in my throat, I obviously cannot speak, so it’s all good. Plus, it feels good, which is fascinating to me.

Calling it ONLY a craving, however, is probably sugar-coating it.

Internal sensations of fear

I have to name the other part: Anxiety and panic…due to “The THING which must not be named.”

Fear happens in the moment, and I have no fear or pain or worries in the moment.

As a matter of fact, I am at ease when I am there. I can breathe. There is joy and pleasure – It’s like flying – and it’s oddly familiar. #forever

Anxiety is the expectation of danger…like crashing.

It’s been getting progressively worse –

It has an inverse relationship with the awesome friendship we are developing – and I can feel that pull where running away seems like the most appropriate thing to do.

…Fight or flight…

I suppose to cure myself of this pain in the neck, I have to identify the danger…and worse, speak its name –


“The THING which must not be named.” L – **choke**

I’ve never allowed anyone to penetrate my force field…Not my parents when I was a kid, and not the ex, even in marriage.

I’m afraid, however, that my deflector shields are not quite operational, because my true friends have finally arrived in my life …my tribe… And I feel like there’s been a breach in the hull –

“We’ve been hit!!”

[the U.S.S. Enterprise is being sucked into a black hole, seconds away from doom]
Scotty: I’m giving her all she’s got, Captain!
[the bridge ceiling begins to crack as the ship’s drawn closer]
James T. Kirk: All she’s got isn’t good enough! What else ya got?
Scotty: Um… Okay, if we eject the core and detonate, the blast could be enough to push us away! I cannot promise anything, though!

** Push or Pull **

Therefore, my head, which protects my damaged heart from apparent danger, says it’s time to push…and pushing seems like the obvious best worst choice.

nick miller

…Yet, my heart says “No, chill out head. I’m the one that’s been hurt, and I can handle this.”

What am I afraid of? What is the danger of speaking it?

“The THING which must not be named.” 

call me by my names

There really are only two choices:



I choose  …



So my fight has to be against the void – the black hole – like the USS Enterprise….A fight against the unknown…Giving it all I’ve got.

I fight dirty –

To face the darkness, I just have to simply fight my way to the light switch.

Or switch on my light saber.


Face and speak … “The THING that must not be named”

To speak it is to wake up from a dream – or is it to wake up to reality? What’s the difference?

I know there is a piece of me that’s lost. I’m looking for it.

I also know that everything I want is on the other side of the fear.

Maybe I have to fight the dark so I can run through the fear?

everything you want

Fear doesn’t always save your ass.
Sometimes it dishes it up on a platter.


I have made my decision. I choose…

… to dish my ass up on a platter – After all, he likes it like that 😉

So in order to properly serve my ass up, I have decided to run…and run far…

…a marathon…

It’s an act of flight, and in my commitment-phobic state, I’ve committed to run with a member of my tribe.

Perhaps that will trick my head enough to feel safe – safe enough to speak the words… to actually say “The THING which must not be named.”

…and I’ll be “dressed” as Mystique the weekend after the marathon…so there’s an added incentive.

If I’m going to be in public, and the only thing to be separating my skin from the air is a few coats of blue paint – well my ass better be at its finest!! #niceass #nicerack #allgood

It’s super nice that we share the same fantasies. #dreamon #runforrestrun

strength, courage, confidence, fear


Say it – “The THING which must not be named.”

... 1 … 2 … 3 … GO 

L ❤


And I’m really looking forward to writing the next chapter of our Toy Story… 😉
**sigh** I miss his Woody – ha ha ha!!!

toy story

Here’s a great article >> The Science of Fear, and How to Thrive with It

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