The Soapbox

The Soapbox

I have to lay out the back story before I climb up on my soapbox…This is a story about adventure, relationships, and broken hearts.

I hope you like rants – cuz that’s kinda my thing.

soapbox

Part 1: Spunk & Sunshine

Youngest and I graced Captain Amazing with our presence a few nights ago so that I could begin my “Mission Organization” upon his home office and perform my nerd magic on a new computer that he bought many moons ago and hadn’t had time to set up yet.

I am a woman; therefore, I have the genetic capability of multitasking without the damaging side effects of ADD.

Youngest brought her chemistry homework, and Captain Amazing’s full engineering nerd came out – Clearly that’s his passion – To create and build things and be all “sciency.” #nerdgasm #macgyverlives

I don’t remember how the conversation shifted from the periodic table of elements and the formula for density to me and my personality, but the important part is this:

At one point, he asked Youngest if I’m always like this – Upbeat and positive, and “there’s a ray of sunshine – let’s go capture it” – something to that effect – in a light teasing tone.

I could pretend to be more like you and live on a sparkly rainbow and drive a unicorn around and just sing all the time.

To which Youngest did reply: “Yes, she’s always like that.”

I’m not gonna lie – I LOVED THAT!! I don’t care that they were kind of making fun of me – It was just so awesome to know that my kid recognizes and corroborates that I’m genuinely ME – all spunk and sunshine – even in the darkest of times…

…and even though I’m probably the most embarrassing person on the planet.

Part 2: The Playground Adventure

So yesterday morning was so crazy fun! I played so hard AGAIN with the Happiest Little Boy!!

First, he loves to look at my Ipad and see all of my pictures. I taught him how to use the camera, and he took a couple of selfies. These pictures – OMG – SO ADORABLE!! I could just eat him up!!

Note about pictures: I never did “family portraits” because there’s no personality in them. That’s not who people really are. I like to capture people in their genuine moments.

I’m not quite as skilled as my daughters – They snapchat constantly with amazing self-expression, but I’m learning to be fully present and kid-like without feeling self-conscious about what I look like when I’m being a goofball.

Anyway, I was itching to go do a few flips in the backyard, so I asked Captain Amazing if I could take HLB (Happiest Little Boy) outside and play.

It was a school and work day, and I don’t know all the rules of the morning routine. He said, “Yes.”

YASSSSS!!!!! #rocktheslide #monkeybarsforever

playground

So HLB and I went outside to play. WE HAD SO MUCH FUN!!! We slid down the slide, climbed up the slide, hung from the monkeybars, did somersaults, climbed the ladders …

I did a few flips on the “flip upside down bar” because that’s my thing.

Captain Amazing came out to check on us and said, “You’re fricking hilarious.”

I said, “What?? I’m just playing.”

…and then we heard the garbage truck, and HLB wanted to see it.

So I picked him up and he saw it – Ooooo it was so great!! …and we ran around and tried to chase it!

Who needs a gym when you have a toddler to play with??? Just saying!

Captain Amazing came out again, this time dressed and ready for work. He said it was time to come in and eat breakfast.

Awwww Rats!!

 

Part 3: The Food Fight – Standing On My Soapbox

The night previous, we had been rudely interrupted by an irrationally angry phone call about a guest list and a Halloween party.

The phone call was absolutely, without doubt, none of my f*ing business. And it still isn’t.

The details are not important but what is – BOUNDARIES!

Captain Amazing and I have a great analogy about boundaries – one that he taught me- Waffles and Spaghetti.

Men tend to think and behave more like waffles – with little boxes of boundaries within a boundary. Women tend to think and behave with emotional entanglements, the way spaghetti behaves.

The phone call was basically a truckload of spaghetti hurled at him with enormous velocity, such that I could hear the splat of marinara hit him in the face from the other room; the pasty stick of the pasta as it landed all over him, the walls, and the ceiling; and when he returned from the kitchen, he was covered head to toe in spaghetti.

food-fight-online-slot

Well I guess I can’t hide my crazy – Said the chick on the phone.

I felt so bad, and at the same time, I wondered where his boundaries went. I decided that what he really needed to do in that moment was:

1. Not accept the phone call because it wasn’t about his son.

OR

2. Take the phone call but arm himself with a giant waffle shield to deflect all of the spaghetti.

Capt-America waffle

The sad reality of a breakup when you have children is that you are tethered to that other adult forever in some capacity.

BUT, where do you establish boundaries around the relationship between the so-called adults?

When is the life of the ex none of your fucking business anymore because it doesn’t directly involve the kids?

That’s when it becomes tricky – and ultimately horribly sad –

It’s fascinating that I have such strong boundaries when I’m such a warm and loving and joyous person.

I’ve recently learned why – There’s a wall – and I’m taking it down, but I don’t want to end up being spaghetti….so I’m a little scared.

I don’t want to screw up what I have with you. You’re too important to me.

My opinion: When someone awesome enters my kids’ lives, I welcome it. If I have emotional baggage with regard to that – it’s my baggage, not my kids’ and not that awesome person’s.

…and narcissistic fucktardery is not welcome in my life.

I don’t understand why that’s not a universal concept.

Part 4: The Wall That Narcissistic Fucktards Built

That wall has been measured to be 91 miles thick – and it’s around my heart.

I have learned how to own certain emotional discomforts and be more than ok with them – EMBRACE them – so my kids can share their lives with me in passionate detail

– especially that portion of their lives that I’m not a part of –

Passionate detail is the language we speak.

They have a step-mom and they have half-sister. They love their half sister so much …

They share her pictures and what they’ve done with her – She is absolutely adorable. And the kids would love the two of us to meet someday. I would love that too.

That will never happen though –

My funness and free-spiritedness are threats to the unenlightened and to the narcissistic fucktards who think my behavior and my choice in friends is a direct threat to them, and that I choose my friends and my personality to irritate them.

That’s what a narcissistic fucktard does – they all do –

I have finally accepted that I can’t fix stupid.

Nevertheless, it’s kind of a lonely place to be…sitting here with a wall 91 miles thick around my heart.

I was looking at the calendar yesterday to schedule a launch party for something I’m involved in – There was Youngest’s birthday and my birthday, and I saw HLB’s birthday.

I thought to myself, “Oh I should keep that day open, so we can have a birthday party.”

…and then a few minutes later, I remembered the narcisstic fucktarderific spaghetti-laden phone call about a Halloween gathering and who was attending it –

I will not be invited or welcomed.

Puppy…In…A…Cup

…and that made me cry.

FUUUUUCCCCKKKKK 😦

I hate doors!

I’m always the one who loves more – even with boundaries – that’s my thing.

Basically I have two choices:

1. Choose to end up alone – be a single old lady flashing people on the street.

OR

2. Be creative – Throw a party for all of us on a different day, move through my discomfort, and change the world.

I’m picking option #2.

 

Quotes above are from New Girl.

One thought on “The Soapbox

  1. Pingback: What’s In A Name | Goddess of Healing

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