I have to lay out the back story before I climb up on my soapbox…This is a story about adventure, relationships, and broken hearts.
I hope you like rants – cuz that’s kinda my thing.
Part 1: Spunk & Sunshine
Youngest and I graced Captain Amazing with our presence a few nights ago so that I could begin my “Mission Organization” upon his home office and perform my nerd magic on a new computer that he bought many moons ago and hadn’t had time to set up yet.
I am a woman; therefore, I have the genetic capability of multitasking without the damaging side effects of ADD.
Youngest brought her chemistry homework, and Captain Amazing’s full engineering nerd came out – Clearly that’s his passion – To create and build things and be all “sciency.” #nerdgasm #macgyverlives
I don’t remember how the conversation shifted from the periodic table of elements and the formula for density to me and my personality, but the important part is this:
At one point, he asked Youngest if I’m always like this – Upbeat and positive, and “there’s a ray of sunshine – let’s go capture it” – something to that effect – in a light teasing tone.
I could pretend to be more like you and live on a sparkly rainbow and drive a unicorn around and just sing all the time.
To which Youngest did reply: “Yes, she’s always like that.”
I’m not gonna lie – I LOVED THAT!! I don’t care that they were kind of making fun of me – It was just so awesome to know that my kid recognizes and corroborates that I’m genuinely ME – all spunk and sunshine – even in the darkest of times…
…and even though I’m probably the most embarrassing person on the planet.
Part 2: The Playground Adventure
So yesterday morning was so crazy fun! I played so hard AGAIN with the Happiest Little Boy!!
First, he loves to look at my Ipad and see all of my pictures. I taught him how to use the camera, and he took a couple of selfies. These pictures – OMG – SO ADORABLE!! I could just eat him up!!
Note about pictures: I never did “family portraits” because there’s no personality in them. That’s not who people really are. I like to capture people in their genuine moments.
I’m not quite as skilled as my daughters – They snapchat constantly with amazing self-expression, but I’m learning to be fully present and kid-like without feeling self-conscious about what I look like when I’m being a goofball.
Anyway, I was itching to go do a few flips in the backyard, so I asked Captain Amazing if I could take HLB (Happiest Little Boy) outside and play.
It was a school and work day, and I don’t know all the rules of the morning routine. He said, “Yes.”
YASSSSS!!!!! #rocktheslide #monkeybarsforever
So HLB and I went outside to play. WE HAD SO MUCH FUN!!! We slid down the slide, climbed up the slide, hung from the monkeybars, did somersaults, climbed the ladders …
I did a few flips on the “flip upside down bar” because that’s my thing.
Captain Amazing came out to check on us and said, “You’re fricking hilarious.”
I said, “What?? I’m just playing.”
…and then we heard the garbage truck, and HLB wanted to see it.
So I picked him up and he saw it – Ooooo it was so great!! …and we ran around and tried to chase it!
Who needs a gym when you have a toddler to play with??? Just saying!
Captain Amazing came out again, this time dressed and ready for work. He said it was time to come in and eat breakfast.
Part 3: The Food Fight – Standing On My Soapbox
The night previous, we had been rudely interrupted by an irrationally angry phone call about a guest list and a Halloween party.
The phone call was absolutely, without doubt, none of my f*ing business. And it still isn’t.
The details are not important but what is – BOUNDARIES!
Captain Amazing and I have a great analogy about boundaries – one that he taught me- Waffles and Spaghetti.
Men tend to think and behave more like waffles – with little boxes of boundaries within a boundary. Women tend to think and behave with emotional entanglements, the way spaghetti behaves.
The phone call was basically a truckload of spaghetti hurled at him with enormous velocity, such that I could hear the splat of marinara hit him in the face from the other room; the pasty stick of the pasta as it landed all over him, the walls, and the ceiling; and when he returned from the kitchen, he was covered head to toe in spaghetti.
Well I guess I can’t hide my crazy – Said the chick on the phone.
I felt so bad, and at the same time, I wondered where his boundaries went. I decided that what he really needed to do in that moment was:
1. Not accept the phone call because it wasn’t about his son.
2. Take the phone call but arm himself with a giant waffle shield to deflect all of the spaghetti.
The sad reality of a breakup when you have children is that you are tethered to that other adult forever in some capacity.
BUT, where do you establish boundaries around the relationship between the so-called adults?
When is the life of the ex none of your fucking business anymore because it doesn’t directly involve the kids?
That’s when it becomes tricky – and ultimately horribly sad –
It’s fascinating that I have such strong boundaries when I’m such a warm and loving and joyous person.
I’ve recently learned why – There’s a wall – and I’m taking it down, but I don’t want to end up being spaghetti….so I’m a little scared.
I don’t want to screw up what I have with you. You’re too important to me.
My opinion: When someone awesome enters my kids’ lives, I welcome it. If I have emotional baggage with regard to that – it’s my baggage, not my kids’ and not that awesome person’s.
…and narcissistic fucktardery is not welcome in my life.
I don’t understand why that’s not a universal concept.
Part 4: The Wall That Narcissistic Fucktards Built
That wall has been measured to be 91 miles thick – and it’s around my heart.
I have learned how to own certain emotional discomforts and be more than ok with them – EMBRACE them – so my kids can share their lives with me in passionate detail
– especially that portion of their lives that I’m not a part of –
Passionate detail is the language we speak.
They have a step-mom and they have half-sister. They love their half sister so much …
They share her pictures and what they’ve done with her – She is absolutely adorable. And the kids would love the two of us to meet someday. I would love that too.
That will never happen though –
My funness and free-spiritedness are threats to the unenlightened and to the narcissistic fucktards who think my behavior and my choice in friends is a direct threat to them, and that I choose my friends and my personality to irritate them.
That’s what a narcissistic fucktard does – they all do –
I have finally accepted that I can’t fix stupid.
Nevertheless, it’s kind of a lonely place to be…sitting here with a wall 91 miles thick around my heart.
I was looking at the calendar yesterday to schedule a launch party for something I’m involved in – There was Youngest’s birthday and my birthday, and I saw HLB’s birthday.
I thought to myself, “Oh I should keep that day open, so we can have a birthday party.”
…and then a few minutes later, I remembered the narcisstic fucktarderific spaghetti-laden phone call about a Halloween gathering and who was attending it –
I will not be invited or welcomed.
…and that made me cry.
I hate doors!
I’m always the one who loves more – even with boundaries – that’s my thing.
Basically I have two choices:
1. Choose to end up alone – be a single old lady flashing people on the street.
2. Be creative – Throw a party for all of us on a different day, move through my discomfort, and change the world.
I’m picking option #2.