Releasing of trapped emotions
Last night, I had the great pleasure of facing and releasing some trapped feelings – Taking down that heart wall –
These projects have to be successful, and I can only do that if I let go of shit. #letitgo
In collecting all of my writing that I’ve done over the last few years – and sorting through my Taylor Swift range of emotions, I stumbled across this “little gem.”
This is a combination of things – Random Notes Of Past Pain – and I don’t know who I was speaking to in the “Note To Somebody” – But I wrote a great quote!
My Body is a strong ally who protects me in ways that I cannot comprehend – who defends me when I’m not looking – but who is offended when I’m not listening.
Holy crap – I was some kind of sad. 😦
I’m leaving it raw and honest, just as I found it in my journal, with a few quotes from “New Girl” just to lighten it up a bit. I think as we let go of things, there has to be fun and funny, silly, and play – Not as a shield but as replacement.
Laughter is more powerful than sadness – I think we just forget that sometimes.
…and most of this pain is from a lifetime of self-image problems, judgments and violence against me, and the marriage and divorce – that I can tell you will NEVER happen again.
The economy stinks, bees are dying and movies are pretty much all sequels now.
If it resonates with you, I’d love to hear how it does:
~~ Two Years Ago or so
I’m finished fighting with My Body – I’m done – I’ve had enough. I understand that My Body is not the enemy; My Body is a strong ally who protects me in ways that I cannot comprehend – who defends me when I’m not looking – but who is offended when I’m not listening.
So many times in the past, My Mind has not trusted My Body. They are the siblings who are constantly bickering, and My Soul is caught in the middle.
In the drive across the bridge, I cried great heavy sobs… “I can’t live like this anymore.”
My attempts at healing have consisted of a lot of supplements, a lot of self-help and spiritual advice, a lot of exercise, a lot of avoidance, a lot of great conning, lack of follow-through, despair, and helplessness. I have kept myself so busy – no time to stop – because if I stopped, I would see how miserable I was, so sad and lonely and hurt and completely misunderstood.
I am the queen of great cons, after all. I can put on a great show- everyone is happy and having fun. And behind the curtain, I’m being kicked.
I then would burn out- ditch everything and everyone – in a coma of self-loathing and pity – and not wanting anybody to see that side because the only reason anybody ever liked me was because I made everything look easy, because I was fittest, funnest, smartest…I could inspire the masses, at least for a while.
And I didn’t have anything more than a superficial friend who could tell me all the wonderful things he/she thought about me so I could fill my empty tank with something good.
You know, sometimes I feel like I’ve never really felt love.
Because I spent so much of my life with a voice inside my head saying to me that if I’m not perfect, pretty, and popular, then I’m not only “nothing” – I’m less than nothing.
And if the praise drifted away, so did I.
–Note To Somebody
…I know, because I’ve been there myself.
I know you have to hit the bottom of the abyss and crawl out yourself. Nobody is going to do it for you.
I did that so many times in the last 5 years.
I have never told you much about the situation I found myself in before I met you and I may or may not- but to summarize, I was repeating history. I knew that the only way to get out was to pick myself up and get out.
Suffice to say, the last time I climbed out of the hell hole, I stayed out.
Why? Because I finally declared in all my agony and anguished heaving sobs that I couldn’t live like that anymore. I couldn’t take one more day of it.
This place is fancy and I don’t know which fork to kill myself with.
It’s a lonely place to be. Nobody knows what I have been through in the last 2 years – because I hurt people and made mistakes. I own those privately and make my amends.
However, that has meant starting over YET AGAIN- How many times do I have to meet people and make new friends?
On the one hand, I owe you nothing. I really don’t and you know that. I’m also not interested in taking your pain for you or cleaning up any mess you’ve made in your destructive wake. Nor do I want to nurse you back to health.
I’m not sure why I feel compelled to offer you a hand or a shoulder or soup. I’ve always felt that way.
~~On A Lighter Note
So now that THAT’S out in the open – Geez –
Now you have to like my darkside too!
I got your text. When you’re going through a ‘Taylor Swift-like range of emotions,’ I should come over, right?