Speaking Of…

Speaking of…Oh Shit, Was That Today??

In the game of life, we swing like a pendulum. This post is to counteract all of the sickening sweetness that has befallen my blog.

Where’s the crass? Where are the sounds of orgasmic pleasure?

It might not be for everyone – Just saying – You may want to browse the sappy section if you are easily offended by explicit gratuitous nonsense, bad jokes, and whatever else I decide is funny to me today.

Everyone has an inner child. Chuck Norris ate his for breakfast.

The edge is calling my name – I might just put non-dishwasher-safe stuff in the dishwasher just to see what happens.

Someone said to me: Don’t fall in love – You might get hurt.

I replied: Don’t live – You might die.

I will be 900 years old on my next birthday in a couple of weeks, and my best friend is Yoda; however, when it comes to my career, passions, and purpose – I kinda feel like Ariel in The Little Mermaid

I don’t think it’s because I’m hanging out here shirtless – But I might have to rethink the tail…

Like Ariel, I wanna be where the people are – and sing about it, write about it, comb my hair with a fork.

I also collect all kinds of nonsensical crap – Some are funny things that I send to Captain Amazing because he does not participate in Twitter or Facebook or Instagram –

He’s on Fantasy Football, My Blog, and ME – not necessarily in that order, depending on the time, day, week, or season…

…Simply functioning in one position is boring anyway…just saying.

I’ve reviewed my latest blog posts to see if any are worth his eyes glancing upon them – or nawhh –

I think someone chopped down a maple tree that landed on my blog – extremely sappy – …and sap is my Kryptonite…

I need to shift gears and get out of this SHITUATION (love that word) – and rekindle my superpower of sarcasm.

Speaking of my superpowers – I found them – they were on my head with my sunglasses.

– and my Pinterest seems to be going viral. I had over 100 repins in the last 12 hours.

My phone has been lighting up like a Christmas Tree – or like a sign in Vegas.

At any rate, my inner snark has been awakened 🙂 So happy…

Here’s a little adventure – To see if I can string together some of my favorite bits of nonsense over the last couple of days into a story. #challengeaccepted

This morning, I walked to Starbucks to fetch my coffee. I was a little late because I decided to actually wipe the mascara from under my eyes before I went in –

I was standing in line, and my favorite gals were working, and finally it was my turn. Ms. Barista asked, “Venti blonde roast today?”

I said, “Oh YASSS!!”

She said, “Oh good – I got it ready for you when I saw you walk in,” as she whipped it out from behind the counter. “I was really hoping you weren’t getting something different.”

Excuse me – BARTENDER – Listen up and take notes – I expect our Jack & Diets to be ready for us the second we walk in the door also.

I am an alcohol enthusiast. The more I drink, the more enthusiastic I get.

Speaking of coffee – and I dedicate this to Captain Amazing specifically and his work making millions for the millionaires of this country –

If you see lines of ground coffee on my desk, it’s going to be one of those days. Don’t fuck with me!

Coffee lines

 

So far, I have covered two fond addictions – oh wait, there’s a third.

He texted me this morning, quite unexpectedly, especially because it was 6 a.m. I hadn’t turned the ringer on yet to say “Open For Business.”

Morning! I was just thinking of you and wanted to say hi! Have a great day! 🙂

#holyshit #canteven #feels #fuuuuuuuuuuuck #soawesome

Of course, I giggled and probably did a stupid little dance and squealed “OMG – He likes me!!!”

It’s a new day, so a free-spirited gal who lives in the moment never knows where she stands with a man, just saying. #girlsarecrazy

I live for the moment, but my moment is the hold damn thing.

I immediately locked and loaded my Kryptonian shield to block all those feels and giggles and replied:

Good morning!! Now I’m wet – cold shower time- You have a beautiful day too! Xoxox

Just keepin’ it real…

Speaking of giggles, I did have an amazing initial training session last week with my pleasure personal trainer from LELO – Lola.

She kicked my vagina’s ass! #itsathing

I actually had sore pelvic wall muscles. #wtf

The cure anytime your muscles are sore after a hard workout is to repeat the workout, which I did yesterday.

I began with Lola guiding me through the muscle contraction sequence, and I followed it up with OM – orgasmic meditation.

…just like you would stretch after a run…

It’s a great routine – LADIES – are you listening???

Sex is the sport of champions, and I’m training for my sport – I will be the best. You should be too … just saying … #sportofchampions

I’ve got gadgets and gizmos a-plenty
I’ve got whozits and whatzits galore
You want thingamabobs? – I got 20!

That’s the inventory list of the toy box in Captain Amazing’s closet –

Gentlemen – holidays are coming and you should be tooBest toys for couples – One of my favorite Christmas presents one year was a new vibrator to replace the one I wore out. ❤

Do I still have it?? Well, no…I wore that one out too 🙂 Captain Amazing is so handy that he’ll probably fix it – or give me a new one.

I did take my toy box to his place and mixed it with his toy box – Now there are 25 thingamabobs –

Our bond is strong and unspoken. We look into each other’s eyes and have the same thought. Neither of us has the key to the handcuffs.

Speaking of mixed up, did you know that you can’t spell “menstruation” without “men” or “engagement” without “gag” or “marriage” without “life sentence” ??? – #wtf

Give a man porn, and he’ll masturbate for a day. But give a man a wife, and he’ll masturbate for a lifetime.

Speaking of helping each other out, one of my new BFs on Twitter, @Douchekevin –  is only this cool because he jerked off before he got here – (thanks for unloading your weapon), Kevin (he is that bag, BTW)… 

…He had this bit of advice for the guys as well – just sharing because it is relevant to the topic…

If she’s giving you a blowjob, the least you can do is a scalp massage followed by a french braid. Maybe some highlights if she takes her time.

Speaking of weapons and the holiday season, I have a great idea for how to spend Christmas Eve – The shooting range.

Die Hardis my favorite holiday movie, and what says “Christmas in a cup” better than Fireball cinnamon whiskey and a cinnamon soy latte than an evening shooting Santa Clause targets and wearing this tank top:

fuglyxmas

Ultimately, I want to be buried with a shotgun and a box of shells. Then someday I’ll be the most badass zombie ever. #zombieapocalypse #cantbeatemjoinem

Yippee-ki-yay, motherfucker.

Speaking of motherfucker, Chuck Norris’s body guard is guarded by Chuck Norris.

I would love to hear from YOU ~

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