Aka – The Philosophical Evolution of Relationshits to Awesomeships.
I was having lunch with Mr. KC the other day.
So it was a business lunch, but he also asked me, or I may have offered up, my opinion on relationships, which in essence hasn’t changed much since he and I entertained each other. I’m just able to express it more clearly – articulate it effectively – with confidence.
Mr. KC asked: What is the difference between this and any other thing I’ve been in before? How is it that I can be fully self-expressed?
My philosophy takes up more than one post, and I have discussed this before, but I’ll do my best to summarize…
…because Captain Amazing and I have created something awesome, at least I think so. It definitely works for me.
I would love to see a radical change in how and why people enter into these things – I’ve assisted with online dating profiles and set friends up – but there has been something fundamentally missing.
I can lay out the principles and my opinions on relationships, but before undertaking anything, you have to have an intimate relationship with YOURSELF –
Furthermore, you should have a mad, wildly passionate love affair with yourself, because you can’t really know what you want or how to ask for it if you don’t know who you are and what you truly love, what you are willing to experiment with, and how you communicate.
That all comes from a higher place – Not from a place of filling an empty hole with a warm body because society tells you that you should be striving for that.
Here is the brief checklist of the basic principles.
- Friends first.
- We want to be here.
- Great sex, experimental, fun.
- Safe environment to speak freely, no judgment.
- Exit clause – if it is no longer fun, if it is boring, if there is drama or too much stress, we go back to the first principle (friends)* – Honor the exit as enlightened respectful adults.
- No crazy, no drama.
- No complacency, no obligation.
*Note this addendum: To pursue another, there must be life-enhancement – no backsliding.
What I want for me personally – Love, respect, and multiple orgasms – It’s really that simple.
I know who I am and what I want. I am not very interested in what other people think. But I’m asked the question a lot.
The secret to failure is to try to please everyone.
Please note, that I will only speak for myself – I won’t put words into Captain Amazing’s mouth or speak on his behalf.
But I can say that we have discussed all of the following, much of it before we entertained entertaining each other – and sealed it with a kiss, because as you know, if he sucked at kissing, he wasn’t going to be invited to my party.
My time is precious. How I spend my time and with whom I spend that time create the tapestry of my life.
My life is valuable. I want only the highest quality life…small doses of fineness are fine…But I will not settle for complacency.
Let me also say that even though it is not called a “relationship” – It is a very meaningful “thing” to me, and it enhances my life.
It’s not something I’m “in” because I’m bored or I have nothing better to do. I am emotionally, intellectually, and physically stimulated. (My physical stimulation pleases him greatly – so happy about that!!)
It is actually such an awesome “thing” that a word hasn’t yet been invented to describe it’s awesomeness. I’ve studied (well, briefly looked up) other languages to see if other people of the world have figured this out.
Curiously, the Latins (those who speak Latin) defined the terms the way I see them –
The Latin word for love is amare and friend is amicus or amica – derivatives.
Relationship: affinitas…not so bad.
Marriage: matrimonium (even my kids say that sounds horrible – I know right??!!)
As I describe this “thing” – It has been understood by my audience to be meaningless, nonchalant, extremely casual, and “take-it-or-leave-it.”
Um…no it isn’t – at least not for me. I can honestly say that I am “all in,” whatever that means, whatever that looks like, without a timeline or an agenda.
The greatest hindrance to living is expectancy, which depends upon [tomorrow] and wastes today.
And if it were to end, I would be crushed – not gonna lie.
But I also don’t worry about that at all. That’s like missing somebody who is standing right in front me. I won’t waste my time fretting about something that may or may not happen.
So I’m “all in” regardless – because the alternative is not acceptable. I’m the best version of me because of this indescribable friendship – and I believe that he is worth it.
…He is worth my time – I am also worth that time. One secret to success is the SELECTION – and expressing our unique capabilities (like my flexibility and stimulatability – I can make up words).
The “thing” is the byproduct of the time spent – and the quality of that time – on things that actually matter – not the quantity of time just to fill a void.
Another secret to success is selecting the proper boundaries and making adjustments. So the “thing” does not define us – we define it.
I don’t require proof that he exists in day-to-day life. Of course, I enjoy his company and I am very excited to get a note or a call from him, but I am not so insecure that I require him to say daily, “Hey look at me over here,” nor do I expect him to.
Therefore, we do not talk, text, or email every day – We have shit to do, careers, kids, and it’s ok. But when we do – I appreciate that time and do not take it for granted.
I do not question the space – again I don’t fret over it – Do I expect or want him to put me above all other things in his life? HELL NO!! NEVER – that would be so horrible and dysfunctional. That’s addictive behavior.
I do send him funnies in his email though – mainly because he has a lot of stress and it makes me feel happy to do that – I like to make him laugh.
My intention is not attention. I would send him the funnies anonymously.
I’m not looking for or wanting co-dependency or a caretaker. I don’t need health insurance or a retirement plan to be provided to me by the man I’m spending my precious time with – I can provide those things for myself, thanks.
I respect his opinion and advice on these matters, however.
I don’t want to be somebody’s responsibility – and I don’t want to be responsible for a grown man.
Responsiveness – YES, but not responsibility for.
There is a huge difference – a fundamental shift in awareness – between the two. Even with raising kids, it should be that the responsibility for them as dependents is not permanent. As they grow, actions and behaviors become responsive to others rather than controlled by others.
Is it better to have someone forced to be in your life? Or is it better that he/she chooses to be in your life?
So the way I see it, this is a higher-level of enlightened thinking and feeling – and it is more of an unconscious “dance.” While I don’t speak on his behalf, I obviously believe that his intentions are likewise…or it wouldn’t work.
Furthermore, it’s actually more powerful and more meaningful than the “run of the mill” relationshits being entertained and striven for these days, and certainly better than marriage, as evidenced by the cavalier manner that marriage or similar is entertained.
To me, marriage is meaningless and NOT the pinnacle of a successful friendship/datingship thing.
“Marriage” or similar is not truly living in the moment – Rather, it is existing in limbo, fearing that the other person may leave and preventing him/her from doing so, and actually preparing for their departure, while at the same time, shackling a label on the other person and essentially requiring that they do not live a life fulfilled outside of the union.
They form their purposes with a view to the distant future; yet postponement is the greatest waste of life; it deprives them of each day as it comes, it snatches from them the present by promising something hereafter.
I require and possess a trust and respect that most people need a piece of paper and a lawyer to enforce –
If that future doesn’t come for them, they become disgruntled, take each other to court, feel their investment in that future was wasted – when really, if each moment together was spent in blissful harmony, there would be no reason to look beyond that moment –
There is nothing bigger or better than that present moment.
I know that this is a novel way of thinking because I’m having to explain it.
Can anything be sillier than the point of view of certain people—They keep themselves very busily engaged in order that they may be able to live better … they spend life [getting] ready to live.
,..and I’ve been accused of thinking very little of myself – as if I’m not worthy of marriage. On the contrary, I don’t think marriage is worthy of me.
quote material above from “On The Shortness of Life” by Lucius Seneca