AKA – Like Seriously…Right?…And I Was Like…Seriously, No Seriously!
I love chatting online. I’ve been doing this since the old days of Myspace.
I remember when my friend Ms. Colls popped my Myspace cherry. It was fantastic!
There was a lot to learn…I was a 38-year-old virgin guppy in a shark tank, and I quickly learned that men like to take pictures of their parts and send them to anyone who’ll look.
I did not know that about men…I had been a naive wife…but I was becoming an educated single and eventually graduated with a Master’s degree in Internet Communication i.e. chat and electronic pen-pals.
Now when someone pops up on Facebook and asks, “Hey baby, what’s your name?” I’m like – “that’s so Myspace!”
…and the dude must be illiterate since my name is right there in big fat letters – MINDY AWESOME. #whatevs
It’s also writing day; however, Captain Amazing has been conspicuously absent from my life since Tuesday morning (FAB overnight session!) – and work is changing rapidly, with career adventures that are not really secret but are not quite ready to shout out to the entire planet.
So my tale today includes many other adventures that have taken place.
I begin with the story of sushi and a birthday tradition that goes back a few years to the then newest breakfast of champions (beating out Wheaties) – Japanese Food and Porn: Breakfast of Champions.
And that tasty little nugget was published on Myspace. I will have to dig it out of zipdrive storage (I hoard my writing) in order to share it with you.
In the meantime, we have continued the tradition of sushi for our November birthdays. Youngest’s birthday was yesterday, November 22, and mine is Wednesday, November 26th, so we went to our new favorite sushi place to celebrate both.
You can determine if a sushi place is great by observing its patrons – Look for Japanese people eating there…just saying…
One of these days, we will have to record our dining out adventures. However, I’ll do my best to accurately recap the chaos.
First a little back-story regarding soul patches. We first coined the word “soul patch” from Adam Sandler in “Just Go With It.”
I never knew those little patches of hair between a man’s bottom lip and his chin was called a “soul patch.” Nevertheless, it is.
For some reason, the gesture he made describing a soul patch to Jennifer Aniston stuck with us and has become a private joke – the gesture of wagging the index finger against the chin.
While this video is of poorly quality, the kid who made it captured the point.
We have seen such a soul patch in real life – I was driving, and Youngest was in the passenger’s seat. We were at a red light. She reached her arm in front of my face, pointing out the driver’s side window at the car next to us, while she hit me on the arm with her other hand.
She had no words.
I looked in the direction of where she was pointing – and there next to us was a US Postal Service mail truck being driven by a +300-pound Samoan man …
…with a long nappy SOUL PATCH flapping in the wind!!!
I was speechless. We were frozen in the moment. Then I said, “Get your phone!! Take a picture!!!”
She snapped out of her frozen shock, reached down, and grabbed her phone… just as the light was changing…and we got pictures from the side and back. #tooslow
But it was legendary!
Back to sushi – Middlest was eating her ginger and letting it hang out of her mouth and made it flap – like a soul patch.
We died laughing!
And then Youngest said that it looked more like the tongue of a Cinnamon Toast Crunch square.
She said, “You know, the Cinnamon Toast Crunch commercials.”
“How would I know?” I asked her. “I don’t have a TV.”
So as we ate, she pulled up the YouTube video on her phone, and I watched in horror as these perverted cereal squares with large tongues and huge teeth performed vulgar acts of pornographic cannibalism. #omg
It was seriously disturbing but it was like driving by a car accident – You just have to look.
Not only was I looking, I was making odd contorted faces, moaning noises and commentary such as, “Oh my gawd…” and “Oh fuck.”
It was a primal reaction and could definitely be mistaken for some sort of orgasmic episode to anyone not sitting right next to us…especially because I was also laughing and gasping for air.
And then it happened – The commercial where there were 3 squares, and the one on the right turned toward the middle one, opened its mouth, and bit through the middle one to reach the one on the left.
“Wow,” I said. “That one just ate its friend out.”
Middlest stood up and walked outside – She had to take a lap to collect herself.
To quote her: On a scale from 1 to Even – I just can’t!
Needless to say, we have come full circle to my initial theory that Japanese Food and Porn definitely belong together.
Cereal – not so much – Which may be why Wheaties was dethroned.
Then our conversation turned to boys – DUH – what happened all week at school, at their other house, who did what to whom, and can you believe he said that??
Here is one story:
“Like seriously…and he was like um…and seriously though, it was seriously like um, and so like this…and then seriously, I was like…and then she was like seriously, and seriously I was like um…Right???”
Laugh, snort, pause…catch breath…
“…and then like so, um, seriously…and he was like…and um seriously, it was seriously like um seriously like, so this…and then right??? And seriously, I was like um…and then like she was like seriously, and seriously I was like…I know right???”
And that was one whole story.
There were a few more stories like that, and I was obviously caught up on everything TEENAGER.
I’m glad I speak their language. I speak TEEN.
I’m like Barbara Billingsley (aka June Cleaver) on Airplane when she was a Jive Interpreter.
“Oh Stewardess – I speak Jive.”
Today was also wax day – as part of the self-care portion of the day – so Middlest and I went to get waxed, where I won a pair of tweezers (YAY) and then to Target to pick up a few things.
In the checkout aisle, Chris Hemsworth actually said, “Hey baby – What’s your name?” from the cover of the People Magazine Sexiest Man Alive edition (plus 208 Gorgeous Guys).
Middlest and I both looked at it and said, “OH HOLY FRICK – YES!!” and we placed the girl porn into the cart.
We examined its pages in the car as we entered the Starbucks drive-thru line and then all the way home.
The editors got a lot wrong – but they got a lot right too – DING DONG. As she was turning the pages for me, I commented, “Why are they all wearing shirts??”
…and since Karma is my best friend, Middlest turned the page where we saw, No Shirt, Sherlock…not referring to Benedict Cumberbatch or Sherlock, but just a nice phrase. It was, however, a page dedicated to shirtless men.
Um, sadly, some of the favorites from years past may need to hit the gym again. Not that I’m judging. I prefer REAL to PERFECT except in my magazines.
Now that I’m writing this post and looking at this page again, I have to say NO, this isn’t right. … I’ll flip back to Hemsworth’s godlike appearance. …Hello Scott Foley… and then the Nautica ad guy who wasn’t even in the article but just sandwiched in there…and Kit Harington….
I’m going to have to watch Game Of Thrones – although I want to read it first.
And then, the most amazing thing happened in Twitterville. I’m now best friends with a comedian – I have yet to determine if he’s funny –
But he struck up a conversation with me that ironically, given the events of the weekend, went like this:
Him: Oh you’re following me now? That makes me feel pretty rad. Thanks. I hope over time you like me more than eating cereal in your pajamas.
Me: I love my pajamas – Not a cereal girl – so you’re definitely elevated above that status!
Him: I love it when I catch a licky break. Whoa. Lucky break***
Me: Ha! A licky slip of the tongue 😛 … lucky… me …
Him: Don’t you mean “licky” you?
Me: I accept!
Him: Hahaha It’d be weird if you didn’t.
Me: I agree – and same goes for you…just saying… I’m not sure that we all have standards of upkeep, however. But you’ve seen more of that than I have because I like men … licky me!
Him: Is this your roundabout way of telling me you’re super hairy or something?!?
Me: I’m NOT hairy!! Brazilian wax regularly!
Him: Well, how would I know?
Me: I just told you.
Then my automatic direct message sent him the love note that I typically send out. I didn’t know he hadn’t received it yet.
“Thanks for following me!! I’d love to connect in other places too! BTW- You’re awesome!”
Him: Oh, thank you. That’s always nice to hear. You’re pretty rad, too. I’m on Snapchat. “majorly depressed fruit” (I changed the name of his handle to protect his anonymity)
Me: I like being RAD – you should read my blog – you’d like it. I’m on snapchat too but I don’t know my name – It’s probably my name, don’t use snapchat much. I figure, if I’m going to sext anyone, I want to keep the pics. 🙂 What’s the story behind fruit thing?
Him: Well, that certainly is some sound logic…I came up with it while writing jokes one night..
Me: If you spent one evening with us, you’d have a year’s worth of jokes!
Him: A years worth?!? That’d have to be one hell of an epic evening.
Me: Oh, they ARE epic!! Sushi bar – 3 gals – cinnamon toast crunch commercials – one square eats the other square out….one gal has to take a lap…and we record the noises and facial responses of those watching the ads…Can you tell the difference? Is she watching cinnamon toast crunch or porn? Classic. That was dinner last night.
Him: Cinnamon toast crunch commercials? I don’t think I completely understand what you’re saying but I’m definitely curious.
Me: I didn’t know at first either – I don’t own a TV – Let me pull up the YouTube….
And I shared the YouTube with him.
Me: They’re cannibals – with giant tongues – talk about licky … and they eat each other …
Him: That’s too funny tho. Those commercials are weirdly awesome. And way to tie in all the licky and cereal references. Nice job.
Me: Thank you!! I’ll snapchat you when I put my pajamas on –
Him: That would be rad. You’re quite the crazy little square. I wish you were several time zones ahead so I wouldn’t have to wait so long.
Me: Indeed I am -I wake up early & go to bed early. Shouldn’t have to wait too long for Victoria’s Secret to reveal itself.
And there you have it – all caught up on licky charms, lucky charmers, jive talking, like seriously, whatevs… Japanese food, and porn…
…it was all magically delicious!
BTW, the magazine does not replace Captain Amazing. As I said before, I prefer REAL.
Time to get back to work…