The original working title for this post was “Dreaming Bigger” –
But dreaming is not big enough anymore – The dreams are here right now, so LIVING BIGGER is where it’s at!
I have launched HUGE changes in my life –
These huge changes have meant tight schedules, deadlines, working more, socializing less (not at all), no vacations, and no breaks.
Where is the fun and the chill????
Fun and chill were locked away in the Holiday Gloom 😦
As a result, I put myself quite low I on my own priority list.
It’s time for a little chat with myself: “Self, please take your own advice and put yourself first.”
During the weekend, Captain Amazing so BRAVELY provided me with as much support as I would allow him to provide after my son moved away from home – and various other things – a huge volume of minutia.
Captain Amazing said, “It sounds like things aren’t going so well.”
Actually, things are going very well…but with any EPIC adventure, there are rough patches. I just hit a rough patch.
I tried to logically explain these feelings to him…of feeling out of control, of wanting to run away…
I’ll talk about anything. Anyone who knows me knows this fact. However, I’m able to separate myself enough that I’m not really attached – I’m not intimate with the conversation, and my own personal feelings don’t really come up.
It’s so easy to say it to a crowd, but it’s so hard, my love, to say it to you out loud – Florence & The Machine from No Light, No Light
He bravely asked if I was comfortable with him –
Holy shit, what kind of question is THAT???
Of course, I have been thinking about such things, especially during the abysmal holidays, when my role in other people’s lives becomes quite obvious –
It’s a minor bit-part; I’m actually not in the scene during those times because I’m unattached.
Thankfully, I’m not as low as an understudy (so that’s good – I get to play myself in the show).
I’m unskilled at telling a man how important he is to me without the implication or pressure that I need or expect more than what we have, and at the same time, ensuring him that I’m not going anywhere –
…to provide the freedom AND stability with both need and want – We are inventing something new, and it’s scary sometimes.
I’m riding this adventure out, like I did on my great Hawaii adventure in 2013, without an agenda and without expectations.
As I’m doing that, however, I’m keenly aware of new feelings – Like I miss him sometimes (don’t tell him I said that).
I loathe that feeling so much. It makes me feel powerless and wreaks havoc with my confidence.
“Missing people” has not happened much in my life. I just don’t “miss.” I can count on 1 hand the number of people I have missed in my life (grouping my kids as a unit) –
When I miss my friend Tisha, it’s different – because she died. Neither of us can control that…I just become sad, without wondering about subtext or context.
And there is another feeling that comes up for me with CA – “nurturing” – Don’t know why…but there it is.
We have a great time together – I look forward to his company AND to our sexual adventures – and I’m still very happy and satisfied to take the whole friendship/datingship as it comes –
We have an affinity for each other that I don’t see going away in this lifetime, and I believe it has spanned many lifetimes before.
Nonetheless, some of the shit coming up for me right now is related to the timing of where I am currently with him and “feelings” – and the fact that it’s January, when 2 years ago I was entertaining another man – who is, incidentally, my business partner currently.
Oh, the tangled web I weave!
So these giant leaps of faith I’m taking (personally and professionally) require me to hold hands with my two favorite men – the two men who have been the greatest influences, the most amazing heroes of my life…
– and who have both left me at one point … by myself, unexpectedly abandoned.
While I’m not afraid of being alone or of mending a broken heart – I am terrified of the abrupt nature of how both those events went down – just like the end of my marriage – I didn’t see it coming.
That’s the part that scares me the most – feeling so stupidly unaware – and that I may not have been as connected as I thought I was.
That’s the feeling I have to meditate and breathe through…because I also don’t want to worry about such things. That is not living in the moment, nor is it LIVING BIGGER.
It’s too small for me – that’s putting myself in a cage –
So I have to believe in the intangible and stay the course – and take leaps of faith –
It’s like jumping with a parachute that has no strings – and then depending on these fine men to keep me attached to that parachute…
I can make that analogy and take that jump because they both came back…happily so…on their own terms…
…and they have made my life so much better.
I know that I’m very lucky indeed. I am very grateful – Namaste to my heroes.
On Tuesday, the sun came out (YAY), and I had the opportunity to walk commute:
A 9-mile round trip – and it was delightful.
I walked in the sun, no sleeves, listening to some Disney princess songs, of course singing out loud because I can.
However, when I left the studio at 7:30pm, it was dark. The last time I can remember walking a significant mileage in the dark, other than my shorter walks to Starbucks at 5am, was Hawaii 2 years ago.
As I began my journey home from work, I pulled up the music I listened to from that trip to Hawaii – A lot of Florence and the Machine – and I was whisked back to that great adventure!
The memories hit me like a tidal wave – Like my first steps in the ocean at 4:30am under a nearly full moon while listening to Cosmic Love – It was amazing!
That whole solo adventure was freedom at its finest!
It was diving into the unknown, living unplanned, without a schedule, without an agenda (other than to have an EPIC adventure), without anybody expecting or demanding anything from me – except for ME.
…and my demands were simple – BE, BREATHE, EXPERIENCE.
It was truly the greatest adventure I’ve ever given myself.
The memories were so powerful and so ingrained in my soul, it felt like I was there again. I could actually smell Hawaii on Scottsdale Road.
During my walk home from work that night, listening to Florence and experiencing the feeling that I was back in Hawaii – I decided to spend the month of January 2015 pretending like I’m on a great adventure in a vast unknown land.
Wednesday: One of my beloved clients called in sick – so I had 2.5 hours unexpectedly available in the middle of my day…
…Hmmm…what should I do with that chunk of time??
As I pondered this great opportunity, I put my headphones on and fired up Spotify. They recommended a new playlist, and so I listened to that on my walk to Whole Foods to purchase my cleansing/detox food/juice for the day.
“Don’t Stop Believin” by Journey was on the list – Great song – (Youngest and I had just been talking about this song a few days ago) –
“Just a small town girl, living in a lonely world.
She took the midnight train going anywhere..”
That’s how I feel when I get overwhelmed, so bogged down by the enormity of the volume of minutia that I just want to run away, go anywhere, to just feel free…so I can breathe…so the weight isn’t so heavy.
By letting go of control like that – feeling truly free – I actually feel more in control of my life and my decisions.
So I asked myself what I needed…sunshine??…outdoors??…
…and then I craved a mountain…
I packed my bags for the day and went to work – saw my first client, and then headed to the mountain.
I think it hit 80 degrees – My favorite temperature – and I ran and walked, passing others on the hike.
…and I felt free…
On January 13th, I am speaking at Grand Canyon University.
It is the students’ final class, and they are putting together a strategic plan, figuring out what they want to do, what their passion is – mission, vision and values.
The professor invited me to do this so I can spark their imagination.
My public speaking consists of teaching exercise and musical theater, so the students may end up doing push-ups and singing “Agony.”
The professor used my Lego Gandalf picture and my jackhammer picture, along with the biography on my blog to introduce me to his students.
This may seem like such a small step – but it’s a giant leap – To declare my CREATIVE SELF to the Universe – and inspire other people to do the same – YIKES!
I’m not nervous about the speaking engagement – It’s the leap itself.
It’s daunting and overwhelming. I’m diving into the unknown again, but not on a “vacation” – in REAL LIFE, both professionally and personally…
These leaps of faith are the biggest AND scariest I’ve ever taken…
…on the other hand –