Adios Abyss

Happy A-Z Blog Challenge, Day 1

The Letter A

I have a million and a half things to do today and a million and a half things to catch up on. I have received texts and emails from adoring fans craving another post!

I’ve been writing other things – Ah

It’s my Anniversary today. 

One year ago, I started really focusing on the blog with this challenge. I’m addicted to it. I think being away from this therapeutic and creative ritual has left me feeling out of sorts. 

At any rate, I have accepted the challenge to add to it daily, except Sundays, for this month and that should support me in the final phase of my leap into the abyss to stop feeding the abyss.

It’s like a sacredly sacrificing myself into a live volcano so it doesn’t explode and sink the island and kill the inhabitants!

May 26th is my last scheduled day for performing hands-on massage. I’m passing the torch to other competent and talented ladies, like the Dread Pirate Roberts in the Princess Bride. 

Well, I had to let one gal go, and I’m interviewing another today. But I remain optimistic that that will all work out.

I do find it frustrating when other people do not have the same work ethic that I do – It’s not that difficult to do a good job. You just DO IT! 

It’s like LIFE – Just be in it and show up. 

Perhaps that’s one of my “gifts” – that work ethic. 

Although, Captain Amazing did call me out on how I’m all over the place” with the million and a half things I do. 

I had to candidly admit to him that it’s really to fill the empty hole, the abyss, that resides inside me. 

I know that no amount of busy-ness is going to fill that empty hole, just like when I work with clients about their relationshits with food – They binge to fill the empty hole that can never be filled with food. 

BTW, I did invent my new word for “relationship,” and it’s the integral part of my program. It’s REALationship. 🙂 I really dig it. 

Why is the abyss there? What tangible thing is missing that has been replaced by this empty hole?

That was my candid admission

He said, “I see you do so much for other people, so much pro-bono work. You give yourself away.”

I’m aware of that, and the moment he said it, I knew, and I had to say it aloud to him so that he could understand. 

I need to nurture something…be part of something that is bigger than me but still part of me…if that makes sense. 

I have always been filled with busy-ness…It’s another way to run away when the abyss is just staring me down. I throw work into it; all of my energy goes into it; I can’t seem to fill it up with enough of me to make it go away.  

There was a time in my life when the abyss was just a teeny-tiny pothole, and I was surrounded by abundance. I nurtured myself and my kids and that thing that is bigger than me, even though it was broken (the pothole did grow larger).

Afterwards, it grew massive after the divorce, but I was able to shrink it by not feeding it. 

However, I’ve noticed since last summer, that the busy-ness has increased, and the abyss has grown larger. It does that when I’m not paying attention to myself.

It’s a ravenous monster that can’t be fed enough food, energy, or time. 

I’ve decided to no longer feed the monster. 

I faced the abyss and said, “No more.” This time, for real because I want it GONE, not just shrunken. 

I’ve been wanting to say the final ADIOS for a long time, but the abyss always stands up on its hind legs and growls and snarls and then pins me down until I concede. 

This time, however, the date is set in stone. I’m walking away from the major activity that has fed the abyss for the last 7 years. 

Since I made the final, emphatic decision, the abyss has charged at me, scared me at times, taken away some things I hold very dear, to test my resolve.

I have not yielded.

And now the tides have turned.

Last week, it took away my breath, and on Sunday, it woke me up in the middle of the night, beating on my chest and strangling me. It knows this is the end for it. It’s not dying quietly.

Even in the middle of the panic attack the abyss gave me, I did not yield.  

So in order to defeat the abyss, this monster, once and for all, I am letting go of the million and a half things that I do, which feeds the monster, and clearly focus on my goals without adding more to the mix. I am not giving myself away, which feeds the monster.

And I’m leaping into it…because what I’ve been missing is inside it.

Adios Abyss – 

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