* Results May Vary 🙂
I sat across the table from my “Navajo” Spirit-Guide for the second time as we entered phase 2 in preparation for my spirit-walkabout. We were at Jason’s Deli, where I was eating my leaves, seeds, veggies, and quinoa. He was showing me the Navajo ways of relationships – which I found fascinating considering that those are my ways as well, from a deep intuitive space. He was also teaching me how to walk in the world, on my journey.
It’s a journey that I’m taking to fully exit the “old” ways and enter my new way of being, engaging and walking on the planet.
There are a few people who are not fans of this, one who is but also isn’t, and a few others who agree with me that I need to do this.
Captain Amazing is the one on the fence – not because he doesn’t believe in me but because when I hatched this plan, he and I were both under such insurmountable stress that I was shedding tears every time a breeze blew by my face, and he had the weight of the world on his shoulders.
We were just trying to reach the promised land – of the career growth and life enhancement we both wanted for ourselves and each other but seemed to be blocked by many obstacles.
And that stress has been enough to end any other friendship/datingship/relationship thing but not ours, although there have been some tears and awkward moments…However, through this experience, we have solidified our faith in our friendship/datingship/relationship thing, even though we are not any closer to defining it or labeling it for the outside world to understand, and even though there was a brief period BCC (Before Career Change) when we were talking about talking about it.
Captain Amazing reluctantly loaned me his backpack and some gear to head out into the wilderness on my own.
“What’s he going to provide for you,” CA asked, referring to my “Navajo” Spirit Guide.
“Um, we are going to go over what food to bring, and he said I need a water filter,” I replied. I was too tired to think coherently while he was gearing me up.
He just looked at me like I was an idiot and like he was worried about me and for me.
The original plan was scattered, I’ll admit, and I was definitely winging it, so I could understand his concern. But I also knew I desperately needed to get outside, get away, find myself, be alone with myself, as if my life depended on it, which was ironic considering I’ve been incredibly lonely.
Being in solitude and being lonely are two entirely different things. Loneliness occurs when there is no intention of being alone – and it can happen when you’re with people or not.
Oneness is intentional.
He weighed the pack – 43 pounds. He said, “When we did the Grand Canyon, your pack was about 29.”
“I can handle it,” I said.
Again, he looked at me like I was an idiot and like he was worried about me and for me.
I knew that my Navajo Spirit-Guide was going to unload most of the pack anyway, especially once I got my hands on a water filter. However, I wanted CA to feel like he was “fixing” my problem because he’s a real man – and the realest man I’ve ever had. It is necessary that I honor his role in my life.
“Don’t you have any girl friends you can do this with?” he asked with caring concern.
“Nobody I know would do this, and I need to be alone. I’m not trying to be a hero or prove that I can “survive” with just a knife and matchstick out there,” I replied. “I’ll be smart.”
FEAR CREEPS IN
While trying to cure my loneliness, I had joined some Meet-Up groups so I could wander places with people, perhaps meet some people who are just as crazy as I am, so that when Captain Amazing is not available to play with me, like next week, I can still be social.
I attended a few hikes, and then an invitation crossed my email which read “Tragedy” – UGH! Some members of one of my new hiking groups were struck by lightning in the Grand Canyon.
The only thing I fear on my walkabout is the weather.
I still hadn’t solidified a map or plan in my head as to how the whole adventure was going to shake down or what exactly I needed to give myself.
I knew I needed to walk a lot of miles outside, without music or noise; to exercise beyond what I’ve been able to do in the last year; to sleep and rest; to journal — all to prepare myself mentally, spiritually, emotionally, and physically for my new challenge that starts on July 13th.
And it is my final week to do it.
I originally wanted to be out in the wilderness for a full 5 days. But I had too many things to do at home still…
So I modified the dates and my intentions. My spirit journey will begin a few days earlier than originally planned, with a 15-mile walk locally followed by a workout, rest, pool, journaling.
My days will continue in this manner for 6 days, when my Navajo Spirit-Guide will take me to the wilderness and begin the first phase of the ceremony. I will learn to make my own shelter; what plants I need to eat; where I need to go for water, rest, walking, solitude. On the final day, my Navajo Spirit-Guide will return for me and we will complete the ceremony.
I will have designed my new Mandala – what defines me in my role on the planet and with my tribe and my community. I will have walked approximately 135 miles.
I will have my perspective and my soul back.
WHERE DID THEY GO?
It’s very difficult to end a relationship service business. These are people I have grown to know and care for over many years, many of whom I saw once a week or twice a month…and now I don’t see them.
There are some I would like to remain seeing but with different roles – not as client/therapist, payer/payee – but as friends.
My brother and his wife moved – the only family I had here in Arizona besides my kids – my son moved out; Middlest graduated from high school and is moving out next month. That’s a lot of “people” change.
In my attempts to step away from the massage business so I could grow into something bigger and better for my whole self, I encountered other like-minded people who wanted the same. It was exciting! I was willing to put myself out there to create joint ventures with them. But they are gone now too.
My introspection has led me to this conclusion:
1) I have extraordinarily high expectations when it comes to work.
2) Perhaps I have not been as vested or as patient as I have believed myself to have been when working with others.
I would love to “blame” the others for disappearing, but when two different ventures within the span of a year just crumble into dust, and the common denominator is ME, then I can only conclude the problem is with ME, not them.
However, it is not easy saying, “You know, this just isn’t working. I need more help, more support, an equal partner, and I’m just not receiving that.” It’s even more difficult when I’m not even able to say those things because the other person is not available.
I lead by example wherever I can; however, I’m a really shitty manager. I am wayyyy ok admitting that. I do too much. I have too many ideas and not enough boxes to put them in. I chase shiny objects.
That’s probably why Happiest Little Boy and I get along so well and why we love each other soooooo much – we have the same attention span!
Nevertheless, I’m the queen, nay Goddess of Adaptation and making bad things work, which is a blessing and a curse, so I will persevere.
To that end, I entered the arena of finding an established team to work with me, one that will pay me generously for my knowledge, skill set, and talents. And I found it. The inside of the building is as colorful and creative as me. It’s like Disneyland for marketing and software.
I sat in the lobby waiting for my third interview to start. I watched my future teammates enter the building – Happy – and dressed casually (I don’t have to go shopping to work here!) – and they were happy. They smiled and greeted one another…
I found my work people and environment where I can be myself and be my driven self; hold myself accountable; and honor my competitive nature, my love of learning, teamwork, growth, opportunity, and creativity.
And they have welcomed me to the team, to their culture.
Even better, my teammates are held accountable by someone else and by something else bigger than me (and NOT by me directly), so I don’t have to worry if someone is going to show up for me. If that person doesn’t, someone else will step in and be there.
It will be quite a change for me to enter Corporate-Land, but I do believe the structure will cure me of my SOD (Shiny Object Syndrome) because I will create new adventures with and for each client I work with, so I can give away my ideas and yet get paid for them, and I won’t have to put them into boxes for myself. It’s really exciting.
Day #1 in my new daily environment is July 13th.
I’ll be writing about this adventure and letting go of a lot of shiny objects. If you need a shiny object, I have one for you.