…And Inadvertently Ending Up In A Scene From…
This story required me to create the category “WTF???”
Even when I told Captain Amazing the story, he said, “That’s frickin’ hilarious.”
He was a bit quicker on the uptake than I was, but he’s a man…nuff said.
I was writing all morning about my foray into my low self-value, when my friend and neighbor, Mr. Golfer, texted me.
Mr. Golfer is 20 years my junior and has had a crush on me since he was 19 years old. It’s kind of like that song Stacy’s Mom by Fountains Of Wayne, except he was never a friend of my daughter’s, so the reference here is just that I guess I’ve got it going on!
We met when we both took a workout class together for other pro golfers in the area. Tennis and golf have similar ranges of movement, tennis being superior since we swing both ways…
I’m referring to the backhand and forehand…geesh 🙂
Since that class, he has requested to hire me multiple times, and he texts me every few months…with a “Heyy” or “‘Sup.”
The times he tried to hire me, he lacked money…perhaps thought I would give my services away for free…or worse…in exchange for (???!!!!)
…He’s invited me to go on tour with him…and the conversation always seemed to turn to my legs and ass, which I am happy that they look good enough for someone that young to be interested…
And one time, 4 or 5 years ago, he did show up for a massage, displayed his erection under the sheet when he flipped over, which I ignored and completed my job (without a hand or a blow).
He then claimed that he didn’t have the money to pay and needed to get cash. Needless to say, he took off without returning.
During a particularly low time in my life a few years ago, he asked me out – as in he wanted to date me. I established all the ground rules, and he told me I could teach him things about being a “real man.”
I actually considered it for a few minutes, and I ultimately declined his request.
I told him, “I just don’t want to teach anyone right now. I want someone who knows what he’s doing so I can turn my brain off.”
He said he understood and appreciated my honesty and my response, because most girls just don’t say anything at all.
…and he has continued to reach out every couple of months.
One time, he was texting me while I was at Captain Amazing’s house. I shared the exchange with CA.
Mr. Golfer actually asked me for a hand job. CA and I laughed our asses off.
The Measurements Of Persistence & Insistence
The last time he texted me a couple of months ago, he said he had money and that he was very serious about getting in shape and improving his golf game because he was starting to make some money and was on tour for long stretches of time.
I believe in people and their ability to change. And since he’d been incredibly young, I had to give him the benefit of a doubt that he would outgrow this overtly over-sexualized phase, so I prepared a schedule for him and calculations.
However, when I sent him the invoice to pay, he didn’t…and I decided he still lacked some maturity, and he wasn’t really serious.
So on Saturday morning, I had been writing about owning my value, declaring it, establishing it, and not settling for less than what I declare that value to be, and it was time to go to the gym.
I was listening to music on my walk home when my text went off.
Mr. Golfer: “Hey I just got back again! Are you free for a massage today?”
I replied: “No, I have my day scheduled, and I’m working. How long are you in town?”
Mr. Golfer: “About a week, then I leave for 2 and then back…traveling so much…Hope all is well…Have you been lifting a lot too?”
I replied about working and working out and the commute to work. He said he hoped to see me soon and that he was glad everything was going well.
The years have improved his conversational skills slightly … elevating them from Heyyy and ‘Sup…
I said something about changing my workouts to get my body and workouts the way I want them.
He said: “I bet you look great, as always…those tennis legs and ass…Haha.”
I said: “Thanks!! Well- my calves look great.”
He said: “I wanna see” followed by the heart eyes and the kiss emojis. …He added, “You’re off tomorrow? Start back up Monday?”
I told him that I was indeed not driving into work…He said that he’s been earning extra cash so he could do the training schedule I set up last time we talked about it.
I asked if he could pay with a credit card. He said he preferred cash because he had been setting it aside for me. He told me I could come by and grab a deposit of cash today, since we are neighbors. We confirmed the price at $300 for 3 sessions.
There was a bit of schedule discussion, and then he returned the conversation back to coming over to collect the money.
He said: “Ok – when do you wanna stop by? I want you to take a look real quick of my problem areas I’m having, and I’ll give you the money and then we will be ready to get this show on the road…Then I can go practice.”
He asked me if I had a tape measure. I said yes and asked him if he had the money. He said yes.
My Spidey-Sense and I considered that he might pull a double cross:
A) He wouldn’t have any money at all.
B) …that when the tape measure was out, he was going to say, “Measure this!” and pull his problem area out of his shorts.
Would he really think this would play out like the opening scene of a porn video?
No, certainly NOBODY is THAT stupid!
I’ll admit it – I was curious about what he would really do if I showed up at his place for the money, although I did hope that this was a legit business exchange.
I placed a wager with my Spidey-Sense – $1 – Game On!
I have had views into people’s computers, and what I have seen is…well….interesting. There are some habits I have seen, some searches, and some sites that are actually pulled up.
One person opened a browser window and said, “Oops, I was watching a movie earlier. You caught me.”
I said, “Well it could have been worse. It could have been a more adult-type video…and FYI, I don’t judge. This is like…Vegas…”
We both laughed. However, later with someone else, the porn search was on every browser…not that I care because I really don’t. It’s between them and their computer. I seriously don’t judge.
Interestingly, the San Fernando Valley is the Porn Capital of the world, producing 90% of the world’s pornographic films, and Utah leads the states in the US in most per capita consumption of porn.
It’s a worldwide $97 Billion dollar industry, and the people of the United States spend $13.6 Billion dollars on porn.
So you do the math…
Someone you know is watching porn, probably right now – just saying.
Of course, there is the position that it creates unrealistic expectations when it comes to sex – TRUTH –
…but Captain Amazing and I talk about it: “Wow, how is that physically possible?” I will ask, and I will point out how impressive some of those acts are – and we will analyze the physics and the positioning.
I am not intimated by that, however, because we are just so much better than the videos – we both noted that, just saying.
The unrealistic and sometimes absurd sexual acts aside, the writing is absolutely ridiculously hilarious, which probably lends itself to more of the unrealistic expectations….as you’ll soon see. #foreshadowing
I told Mr. Golfer that I was sweaty from my workout and didn’t really want to be seen, and he said his place was a mess and he just showered and asked me not to judge.
I pivoted the conversation back to the schedule. Perhaps the schedule wouldn’t work for him, and I could avoid this whole exchange with integrity, with boundaries, and without guilt.
I told him my only available time to train in the gym this week would be Tuesday and Thursday at 4:30am…I added, “You can decline because I know that’s insane.”
He said: “I can try…you just gotta wake me up….I’ll leave the door unlocked on those days so you can get me out of bed at 4 LOL.”
I said: “How am I supposed to do that? Pour ice on your head?”
He said: “Careful…I sleep naked.”
My Spidey-Sense and I continued our side-bet conversation. I decided this could be at worst worth a story and I could kick his ass if he tried anything, so I maintained my wager with my inner voice. I told him I was on my way.
He said: “Ok. I’m brushing my teeth. I’ll just be ready to be measured…is that fine? Boxers is fine?”
“Oh Brother…” I thought….and boxers? Really?
I told him he could throw a pair of shorts on…that wouldn’t affect the measurements…“I don’t think THAT is one of your problem areas,” I said.
He said: “Lol we will see. I’m in shorts, no shirt.”
I paused. Does he really have the money? At best, I am charging full price and will get cash, and I defeat my Spidey-Sense in the side-bet. At worst, I get a story.
I made one last attempt to add some time into the equation…I tried to claim a phone call…I asked him to meet me downstairs.
He said: “Just come up real quick so I can get to practice. I’m not wearing socks.”
I decided to give him the benefit of the doubt. Besides, he was just going to keep bothering me.
I arrived at his apartment, and to my great relief, he did, in fact, have his shorts on when he opened the door.
I remained completely professional as I walked in. We talked about his pain, his swing, his body fat. I took his waist measurement, asked for his height, and we chatted a bit more about the schedule. I had been there approximately 3 minutes.
He said he was going to go in the other room to get me the money, and he went into the bathroom and closed the door, as if he it was in some secret hiding place. He was there for a few minutes and I was taking notes, standing in the kitchen.
NOTE: When I was telling Captain Amazing the story, it was at this point, when he said, “Oh no.”
Mr. Golfer walked back out and over to me. He stood next to me and smacked my ass.
…and in a split second pulled down his shorts, and asked me to take another measurement.
!!!!!!!!!!!! Again WTF???
I didn’t look down but could see in my peripheral vision that he rubbing his cock.
I said, “No,” and I put my pen in my notebook, with my measuring tape, and I headed toward the door. “I’m out,” I said.
He said, “Wait…let me just jerk off for you.”
Let me just take this moment to say – Guys, why would that be something that we gals would really want to see, especially when we don’t know you that well?
How does your jerking off in front of me benefit me in any way? Seriously…I’d really like to know the logic.
What did he expect my response to be?
“Oh well in that case, let me stick around. I’ll pull up a chair – Show me what you’ve got!”
Now that I think about it, that’s exactly what I should have done – and then when he was done, I would say:
“That’s it?? That’s all you got…I’m not impressed.”
I opened the door, and left…and I actually felt a little scared for approximately 2 seconds, not gonna lie – like he was going to chase me down with his pants around his ankles and whack me with the weapon in his hands, or worse, hose me down which was somewhat plausible, since that’s what he wanted to do.
And I was a bit angry because I lost the bet to my Spidey-Sense.
He immediately texted me.
“Don’t be mad,” he said. “I need to give you the money. I’m sorry. Don’t hate me.”
I thought about my response. I could fly off the handle and tell him what a turd he is…I truly think he needs maturity and some therapy…that’s stating the obvious. I actually felt sorry for him.
But I’m writing about it!!! 🙂
I said, “Look, just lay out the expectation. Don’t bring me over under false pretenses. Were you really expecting the opening scene of a porn video? If you’re just looking for sex, let me tell you what my dude tells anybody who speaks of hitting on me…”
I’m not worried about you hitting on my girl. She will break you. – Captain Amazing
He apologized again.
Then my head went into the ass-kicking movie montage – my bucket-list fantasy of kicking the shit out of a dude who pulls any unsolicited funny business with me.
I could be…
… culminating with The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo.
I thought about getting some rope from CA that we aren’t going to use and teaching this guy a lesson.
I lectured Mr. Golfer on boundaries and reminded him that he owed me money and he needed to get his shit together. He said he would do as I say and said, “Yes Ma’am” a couple of times.
As cool as it would be to kick his ass, I explored what I know about dominance and submission and the psychology of this situation – He is definitely attracted to my take-charge, confident, take-no-shit, dominant side of my personality – that’s the card I show so this kind of crap doesn’t happen.
So to tell him about all the ways I could torture him with the tools I have and the things I know would have only fueled his self-pleasure to a crescendo, and I would prefer to deflate his moment.
That said, he needed to know his place…
“You WILL do as I say ALWAYS,” I said.
He agreed, “I will do whatever you say.”
I let the incident fade as I sat here to type out the details – Definitely one for the record books because that honestly has never happened to me “real life” before.
It’s been offered online, but in person has a much different overtone.
I’ve had people ask me if I will miss doing massage and training…I suppose there are parts that I will miss.
…and then again, “Nope, not at all.”
And I paid my Spidey-Sense $1 for the bet.