Ahhhh, a New Year has begun!
I love the new year and change. It’s possibly because I’m a commitment-phobe, and change prevents me from digging in and anchoring myself.
Here’s the interesting thing: My body has been stuck (anchored??) – glued to an ever present “protecting me from myself” moment – and I haven’t been able to figure out from what…I certainly have not picked a man before myself, nor have I morphed into a zombie, although I have had a 15 shades of zombie eclipse my life from time to time during the last 6 months.
What are my symptoms? Basically I just haven’t felt like I looked like myself, and I haven’t felt like myself either.
I’ve been feeling like something is definitely missing. And fun…what’s that? I can only remember “fun” as a vague memory. It’s like “fun” is dangled in front of me as a tease, and I have to chase it down, beg for it.
I haven’t really been as dedicated to my fitness in the maniacal nature that I have been in the past.
I’ve been bored – uninspired…like it’s a job…a chore. Not unlike sex during the zombie apocalypse.
And yes, trail mix is my enemy and Jack Daniels has become my friend with benefits when I’m out with my best-friend-with-benefits/intimate partner/toy…and as much as I would love to chalk up this feeling of aging to AGING, I know it’s more of a spiritual disconnection.
The thing is – I got my career on a full-speed course to dreaminess. I get to write! Although it hasn’t been for me. I get to do marketing! Although it hasn’t been for me. I get to go earn income and be important. Although it’s someone else’s schedule.
I see a pattern emerging.
Tony Robbins mentions this too – You work on one area of your life, like career, then another piece of your life, like your body, then starts to lag, and you go over there and work on that part…and then you work on your relationship…and round and round it goes.
Here’s the thing: My body and I have been fighting lately – in a really nasty passive-aggressive bitchy way.
I’ve been trying to find the solution – What will make you happy, Body? What can I do?
Body replied: “Well, you haven’t been taking care of me.”
I said: “But I joined Orange Theory – I added more movement for you and a stand-up desk at work so you’re not sitting all the time.”
Body said: “That’s not what I need – You know what we both need.”
I said: “But Body, when the car broke, I started walking to get a ride to work, and I woke up even earlier to get more done – And I get out of work on time…”
Body said: “Um, listen to yourself, you idiot! And you come home and keep working. And you’re tired and don’t go to bed…So I’m not budging. And you’re not going to enjoy anything. And I’m going to ruin any good time you could possibly have with your precious Captain Amazing”… (said in a snarky tone and [insert evil laugh here])…
So I proceeded to double my intense workouts – “I’ll make you budge, Body.”
I woke up an hour earlier so I could get more done. I ignored the fact that I wasn’t getting to see Captain Amazing as much (I don’t like to admit that I miss him).
And Body held true to her threat…although I still enjoyed Captain Amazing when I got to see him, but I was slightly inhibited…a little more self-conscious because Body and I were fighting.
I dismissed the fact that I was burning myself out because I accomplished what I wanted to accomplish.
But slowly, the battle between Body and me started crossing the line, and the damage spilled over into my Soul – who thankfully had the good sense to play mediator, requested a truce and long hard look at a workable solution between my Body and me.
I searched and researched – I tried self-administered vitamin injections, I’ve gone vegan 80% of the time, and I’ve hired a personal trainer. I ride my bike or walk to get most places.
But the truth is, in my quest to establish my new career, I did the one thing I didn’t think I would ever do again…
I’ve put myself LAST – AGAIN – Ugh! Does this cycle ever end????
Funny – I’ve been on this healing journey for so long that it has become my lifestyle. But here’s the trick, I’d like to stop the part of the lifestyle where I get stuck – AGAIN.
Everyone on life’s journey has to check in with themselves and has to monitor themselves. The healing is never complete and nobody else can heal you. You have to heal yourself – and seek the guidance of other like-minded people who “challenge” you to stay on the path.
I guess that’s actually why “The Goddess of Healing” has stayed with me – because I’m always healing myself.
It’s a dance, and eventually the practiced steps start to make sense, to the point where the lag isn’t so damaging. And so that when a huge change rolls in, like the one I experienced in 2015, it doesn’t end up knocking you down quite so hard and for quite as long.
Even now, I see signs of discontent with myself, and I still search outside myself for the answer – and the moment I sit down and look within, the answer is so simple.
This time it was simply that I haven’t been paying myself first (putting myself first) and I haven’t been playing outside. I caught it before I completely broke up with myself.
I do believe I can quickly undo this damage.
How did I come upon all of this?
Well, I spent the New Year with Captain Amazing and Happiest Little Boy in Mexico with some other friends. It was a platonic weekend, because Captain Amazing and I go hard when we go at it, and when in mixed company, well there is just no way we can keep it quiet or quick, which is fine with me.
I spent soooo much time with HLB which was sooo awesome and yummy! That kid is a delight to be around. And I think he enjoyed himself too. We were nearly inseparable, except for the little story mentioned below.
We played in the sand, went on the swing, went up and down the stairs many times, watched the sunrise, tickled each other. He “went up top” which something he only does with his dad (he climbed up my back and sat behind my head with his legs wrapped around my neck). We ran away from sharks. We spent several morning hours together, just the two of us, while the rest of the house slept.
Those were important spiritual moments – and the other one, which was an equally bonding moment, was spending January 1st at the ocean alone with my music and moving my body.
It all felt so great. In my little beach workout, I ended up traveling 6.13 miles walking, running, and lunging.
When I returned, everyone was watching Twilight – but what I really needed was some sunshine. I took myself upstairs to the balcony, and I lay myself on the tile and just listened to some comedy right there on the ground, with the sun hitting my face. BLISS!
I always forget that’s an option to ground myself – Just lie on the ground.
Anyway, after about 45 minutes, HLB came up looking for me. He said, “Mindy, you didn’t listen to me.”
I said, “Well what did you say?” As he walked up the stairs and turned the corner to see me lying on the floor, he started laughing.
“Hey, why are you on the floor?” he asked giggling, and as he did, he ran up and jumped on me.
“Oh,UGH!” I laughed as he pinned me to the ground.
“Come play with me,” he said. The two of us went downstairs and played The Good Dinosaur game.
We had snacks and played some more.
The next day, he and I both got up at 6am and drank coffee and ate breakfast together. We watched the sun come up and we got dressed to go down to the ocean and dig in the sand. We played in silence for about 45 minutes or so, until our noses were running and our hands were freezing.
It was time to go up and wake up his dad, and we ran from the sharks that were chasing us from the ocean – We ran up the hill to the castle! And as we went through the door, I said, “Wake up your dad with your cold hands,” and we both inserted an evil laugh there!
Over the course of the morning, packing up our things for our return home, HLB grabbed me and said, “I want a hug and a kiss.” I picked him up, and he said, as he squeezed my neck, “I love you.”
Now, my rule about saying “I love you” is this: I don’t say it first. It doesn’t matter how old the boy is.
I also haven’t heard that from a male person who truly meant it in probably 15 years. I distinctly remember the last time – The day Youngest was born. And I don’t think that it was really directed at me but rather to the situation.
Sure, there have been a few moments where a dude has uttered it, but I really think the feeling was mistaken…especially since I have felt what it is like to feel the Earth move with someone who isn’t desperate for my energy or wanting to possess me.
Now, truth is, I have to say that I truly love this boy – When love songs talk about that “missing piece” – that soulmate that searches for another soulmate – that would describe this kid and me. This boy has rocked my world!
I said it back without hesitation, “I love you too,” and I kissed him back. He hugged me tighter, and I knew he understood, and I knew it was the right thing to say to this special little man because it was the truth for both of us in that moment.
Holy shit! What do I do now? It’s like a Romeo & Juliet kind of situation. I never expected to ever be in this kind of scenario, much less love it so much that I am at a loss.
So how do I fix this? Is there anything to fix? …my body…my balance…
The Body heals with PLAY…
The Mind heals with LAUGHTER…
The Soul heals with JOY…
I determined that the hours I’ve been dedicating to everyone else are the issue. It’s not my job and it’s not the work I do. That’s a huge relief. So the solution is simple – Just ask to change my hours. I happen to be at a perfect transition for that.
I just have to ask for what I need and how I can make that happen so I am taking care of myself. And that’s really it – It’s the simple, simple dance that is incredibly challenging and easy at the same time – The challenging part is staying the course despite all that I have habituated over a lifetime.
Next up: Captain Amazing finds his groove…