Zombies In The Land Of Confusion

For the record, I have never watched “The Walking Dead.” I would probably like it if I gave it a fair chance. I tried to watch it yesterday, but I couldn’t get into it. I guess it was just too “real” and not enough escapism fantasy for me.

I did watch Warm Bodies – I enjoyed that very much. I have seen it at least 10 times.

warm-bodies

I’ve been absent from my beloved blog, and I apologize…more to myself really than to you. You probably just forgot about it 🙂

I need it for mySELF, especially after having experienced what I have experienced this last year. It was gruesome to watch… the slow insidious disease that ravaged this land.

I must’ve dreamed a thousand dreams
Been haunted by a million screams
But I can hear the marching feet
They’re moving into the street.

-Genesis

We thought we were safe from the apocalypse…that we were protected by the fortress we built and the measures we took to arm ourselves against the attack.

However, the Zombies marched in and launched full-scale war. They saw an opportunity…a weakness in our defense…a crack that they could penetrate, and without hesitation, they infiltrated the fortress of awesome.

It wasn’t really a fortress…more like a bubble…but it’s my story.

The attack came on two battlefields: Personal and Career. They knew how strong we were together…and if they could get both of us, the Apocalypse would be just THAT much closer to leaving no survivors in humanity…no one to rock the boat.

The Initial Infiltration

The day I felt “unsafe” for the first time in “Tales of The Extroverted Dominant Submissive Introvert” was the day of the initial attack.

And the Zombie fuckers took over his body – I didn’t know Zombies did that. I expected to see the haunted eyes, the dead skin, the corpse-like lethargy…

But the Zombies do not look like corpses outwardly. They blend very well with the general population.

It’s more like Invasion of the Body Snatchers or Shape-Shifters from Fringe.

As you’ll recall (and if not, then please read Tales Of The Extroverted Dominant Submissive Introvert), my spidey sense was shifted into high alert. I sensed danger, recognized it, protected myself against it the best way I could, and I addressed it the only way a very confused girl could address it…with wit and a text.

After I texted him, informing him that I wanted to slap him, we had a chance to talk.

In that conversation, he said to me, “Have faith in us. Have faith in our friendship.”

I didn’t have a reason to believe that his brain had been taken over…I didn’t know I was speaking to a Zombie who was looking to destroy me…

We went to Mexico and attended the 2015 season opener of the Arizona Cardinals, which was so much fun.

When I went to visit him the following week, his house had been literally destroyed.

“Oh my God! What happened?” I asked him. I thought there had been a water leak or something.

His mattress was in the living room on the floor, carpet was ripped up, closet doors lying around, and the beloved weight room was now in pieces in the kitchen.

“Didn’t I tell you?” he said. “I’m changing everything.”

He hadn’t said anything to me about it.

When the violence causes silence
We must be mistaken

Zombie

Just 2 months previous to this, we had spent a couple of weekends and solid weeks organizing and sorting everything in the house, from the garage to the sheds to the playroom…movies, tools and toys.

All of the organizing we had done…destroyed in one week!

As he described his plan, he spoke with manic animation, and I clearly saw “crazy” in his eyes.

I was stunned.

“Have faith in our friendship…” echoed in my head. It was the one straw I grasped even though I knew that there was something “off.”

Things continued like this for months. I was only invited to watch football once last fall – and it was more out of guilt since it was Thanksgiving Day and my birthday, and I said that I didn’t want to be alone that day.

He explained to me that he wouldn’t sleep for 3 days in a row…

He was forgetting things, lots of things…like events, conversations, people…so much so that Youngest noticed too.

What’s in your head?
In your head?
Zombie, zombie, zombie

“What’s up with him? He can’t remember anything,” she said to me after all of us went to breakfast one day.

He would get excited to show me progress on the very slow remodel, and then he would pause and look at me quizzically with one eyebrow cocked, and then say…“Well I guess I can trust you…” and then continue to show me what it was…

???????????????????

He literally forgot who I was!!!

…and in those months that followed, we had dwindling time together and lengthy gaps in anything meaningful…

…and then he would show up again, apologizing for being “busy, busy, busy” and being buried in work and not sleeping…and in that moment when he did show up, everything was almost right.

You beg me to go
Then making me stay
Why do you hurt me so bad?
It would help me to know,
Do I stand in your way?
Or am I the best thing you’ve had?

– Pat Benatar

“Have faith in us. Have faith in our friendship,” he said…and I did…until

Enter The Corporate Machine Of Madness

At the same time, the Zombies had split us up in a different battle altogether – They developed an alliance with the Corporate Machine of Madness, led by Lord Business (of course)…and each of us had to face our own separate fights and lead teams against this enemy.

If we didn’t win, the world would be trapped in Darkness, just like Joe Versus The Volcano…marching in the mud to American Panascope, “Home of the rectal probe.”

Who the fuck would want to work there and live like that??? 

…Zombies…

This is the world we live in
And these are the hands we’re given
Use them and let’s start trying
To make it a place worth living in.

-Genesis

It was because of this battle that I had such strong faith in our friendship. I needed that safety net…to know that there was another fighting the fight to make the world a better place.

I also know what it takes to build a successful career. I’ve done it 3 times. And it takes focus, perseverance, long hours, dedication, and organization. There isn’t always a day off.

…so realistically, I expected gaps.

He went to work at his new company, and I went to work for mine.

I wasn’t sure how I was going to survive working for a company…I had worked for myself most of my life.

There was a reason that the Universe needed me there…

When I discovered this job, I sincerely thought I had found something that hadn’t fallen victim to the Madness, but as the days went on, blending into one another, and I learned more about myself, my resolve, and the inner workings of this machine, I knew that it was too late…that this company had already been taken over by the Zombies.

I was unsure if I had any true fellowship outside of the Madness. I had hoped that I did…

The Universe sent me alliances in the most mysterious of ways, and of course, it wasn’t who or what I expected them to be.

It started with transportation. In order to march into the Madness day in and day out, I had to drive 30 miles one way.

I might as well have been marching in the mud with Joe!

One fateful day in October, the car had had enough. It just died. I didn’t know at the time that this seemingly insurmountable obstacle was actually the turning point in my favor!

This event allowed me to fully let go of the career that I kept me anchored for longer than a year. I could now legitimately say, “I’m done,” and refer everyone to other hands.

I began to carpool and work more from home. As I did, I began a widespread audible campaign in the form of Webinars, full of my rebellious energy, philosophy, and spirit, looking for people who weren’t fully enslaved by the Zombies to dig in and fight the fight.

…and for those who would listen, I taught them how to stay one step ahead…who the true leaders were…and where to go for messages from the underground! This sparked my happiness and my “fight” – I found my voice and my confidence.

Lord Business discovered my channel and how influential it had become.

…On February 12th, I spent the evening with Deadpool, my spirit animal, and Lord Business retaliated and struck a near-death blow to shut me up…the next day I was struck down by the virus… a virus so powerful that I was in bed for nearly 2 weeks.

I was weak and alone, unable to speak, coughing until I cried, fevered, and weak (worth saying twice).

…and the man once known as Captain Amazing texted me to get together, forgetting that I was sick…

Memories are just where you laid them
Drag the waters till the depths give up their dead
What did you expect to find
Was there something you left behind
Don’t you remember
Anything I said?

I told him how sick I was…He asked if I wanted company, and he came over. We lay on the floor and watched 2 movies.

After the movies were done, and I was coughing up a lung, he said, “You don’t look that sick to me,” gave me a hug, and went home.

Being strong is a blessing and a curse!

In hindsight, the Zombie that was possessing him must have known that the virus was not going to kill me and that I was escaping the Madness.

Two weeks later, the Universe sent me the next alliance … the one that would change everything…

Steve walks warily down the street
With the brim pulled way down low
Ain’t no sound but the sound of his feet
Machine guns ready to go
Are you ready? Hey are you ready for this?
Are you hanging on the edge of your seat?

– Queen

 

Escaping the Land Of Confusion

Let’s remember New Year 2016…a weekend of hope… and please refer to cosmic forces that may or may not have played a role in what was to come in Year Of The Yang Fire Monkey…I still wear my snake charm.

As we transition into a new year, let us all be free from suffering.

In February, I was struck down by illness, and in March, as I was gathering my strength and my snake charm was working for me, my alliance walked in.

I received a Facebook message from Steve: “We are thinking of hiring marketing director and your name keeps running around in my head. I was just curious how you are and how your J-O-B is going :)”

…to which I replied: “Make me an offer.”

And he did!! It was the career of my dreams and my escape from the Corporate Machine of Madness. Travel, writing, taking on challenges, making my own schedule…everything I had been fighting for.

I accepted the offer and told “the man once known as Captain Amazing” about it. He seemed truly happy for me. He apologized again for being absent and explained that he had also been offered something…the lead role in a play! It was a musical with a Motown theme for a religious holiday, and he had been in rehearsals.

I had to see this!!!

He invited me to dinner and drinks, and he asked me if I was dating anybody.

???????????????????????????

He must have assumed that in his lengthy absences, I decided to move on. ???????

“No, why would I do that?” I asked. “I don’t want anything more than what is…actually what was before you got so busy. There isn’t anybody who can give me that. You’re the only man I’ve been with for more than 2 years!”

He asked me what I would do if he met someone else but that he wasn’t looking … he didn’t want anything either…

???????????????????????????

“I don’t know,” I said. “I don’t worry about such things until it becomes a reality.”

“Fair enough,” he said.

I asked about the play.

He was hesitant to let me attend, concerned about the potential social conflict among audience members and anything awkward that might arise if HLB were to see me there, run up to me, hug me, want to sit with me, want to come to my house and play…etc.

I assured him that I was not going to cause him trouble. I just wanted to see him on the stage, especially after he showed me his costume!

The night of the play arrived around mid April, and I had a very uneasy feeling which led to ambivalence about going. Youngest didn’t want to go. So I was going to attend alone.

I decided this play was about more than me and anything discomfort I might feel if I were to run into HLB’s mom or other family members.

Have faith in our friendship.

I entered the auditorium and found my place in the back row along the aisle, so I was out of the way but still had a view to take pictures and video.

The irony of that vantage point is not lost on me.

He found me and came and talked to me — He thanked me for coming and said how much it meant to him.  That definitely made me feel better about going.

As I observed the crowd, an eerie sick-like feeling came over me, and as I sat with this nausea, my heart sank.

“I don’t want to be here,” I thought.

He was so happy being there with all these people, and I was squirming, feeling the oppressive weight of Zombies everywhere, breathing down my neck, so close they might see me. I needed to escape.

I knew in that moment that if he wanted that…that suburban apocalyptic day-in-day-out, tract housing and cookie-cutter life, I couldn’t do it.

The people were lovely as individuals…as a collective, they were sheep. And I say that with love – It’s a whole different post to sort out the myriad of thoughts, philosophies, and emotions I felt sitting there.

The one truth I knew – I didn’t belong there. I had been going to soccer games with him and HLB, and I took video and pictures…but I always felt like an auntie…

——

But that earlier conversation haunted me during the next several weeks…even as he made plans with Youngest and me for a weekly summer get-together for games…

“Are you dating anybody,” he asked – repeated over and over in my head….

He invited me to breakfast and to sync our calendars, but when I arrived, he had already filled his summer schedule with travel…and made plans without including me…

I remember long ago –
Ooh when the sun was shining
Yes and the stars were bright
All through the night
And the sound of your laughter
As I held you tight
So long ago –

We went to see the opening of Captain America Civil War (how ironic), and then I had to leave town in May for 10 days. While I was gone, I knew…saw his demise in a dream I had…felt the cataclysmic shock.

After I returned, he met me out for dinner and told me that he was thinking about returning to the Zombies and living that life. He hadn’t made a complete decision.

I knew…I had been preparing for this…

I told him how weak he was. He was the one man who I thought was brave, strong, and who had my back as much as I had his.

Ooh Superman where are you now
When everything’s gone wrong somehow
The men of steel, the men of power
Are losing control by the hour.

So the zombies claimed another victim, one I didn’t expect to go. He just didn’t have any fight left. He was rendered weak and helpless in the battle against the Corporate Machine Of Madness.

I went ahead and made a decision on my side. I took 2 toys and my toothbrush, the only things I kept in his house.

I hugged him in the doorway, cried a little as I did, and walked to my car. I didn’t look back.

Out of the doorway the bullets rip
To the sound of the beat
Another one bites the dust
Another one bites the dust
And another one gone, and another one gone
Another one bites the dust

Captain Amazing is no more, succumbed to the advances of the Zombies. My small team of superheroes couldn’t save him.

It was gruesome to watch… the slow insidious disease that overtook him until his brain was gone.

In Warm Bodies, I learned that when the Zombies eat brains, they are able to see memories and feel feelings…

Which zombies ate the memories of me? I’ll never know. But I know they’re gone.

I have armed myself for battle — knowing that somewhere, there are Zombies trying to bring me down —

…but are there heroes looking to form an alliance??

I fear I won’t recognize an enemy from a friend.

Truth is: Bullshit women will cry over how they want things to be, rather than accepting and responding to how things actually are.

I will not be that bullshit woman!

But I’m ready, yes, I’m ready for you
I’m standing on my own two feet
Out of the doorway the bullets rip
Repeating to the sound of the beat

I would love to hear from YOU ~

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