A-Z Blog Challenge
…sort of a requested title…
…but it pretty much sums it up!
…sort of a requested title…
…but it pretty much sums it up!
There are many ways to define ecstasy. It is a state of extreme delight, which seems rather tame and not as descriptive as when I’m floating in ecstasy.
How does he define it?
I actually haven’t asked. I guess I should… It would be important to know that.
However, I have observed moments of sexual ecstasy, without doubt – which make me ecstatic! The power I possess to make that happen – to render this man absolutely helpless and incapacitated for that moment…It’s an event I just cannot get enough of!
He has observed moments of sexual ecstasy in me…Some of those moments have lasted hours. One night, he spent over 3 hours examining and studying how my body reacted when he did certain things – like a mad scientist.
He knows every inch, centimeter, millimeter of my entire body – every bit of it – It’s terrifying and awesome! There is no hiding!
I cannot pretend to be anything else – I cannot make any excuses – All I have is my rawness, my realness, my authentic manner of showing up physically and emotionally because I have no walls left – I have nothing to hide behind.
It’s terrifying and awesome!
It’s like I’ve peeled back all the hard layers of being a so-called “adult,” to reveal mySELF.
The results are nothing less than exquisite.
And I’m ecstatic about it!
I would say that ecstasy is not just extreme happiness, but an exchange of it…giving and receiving.
I also find myself in a very unique position, not just being so revealed fully, but stepping into that revelation – into a place I’ve never been before.
In 6 weeks, I close the door on the massage room. It’s terrifying and awesome!
My arms hurt, my wrist hurts…I’m so tired.
I don’t want to launch my new career not being able to function, so I am creating an Ecstatic Energy Exchange, where I exit the old life and enter the new one –
I’ve slowly been doing this over the last year and a half, but now I’m down the wire, and I just feel like I need a ritualistic challenge to reboot. And I need to focus on the physical elements that have been not attended to with the grace and charm they are normally given.
In order to feel more ecstatic ecstasy in all elements of my existence, my cells need some deep cleaning and some deep loving~ I need ENERGY.
I have already eliminated (again) all artificial sweeteners, and actually that includes Stevia. If it comes from a manufacturing plant (other than to be ground), it’s not going in my mouth.
I just got an awesome toy for grinding, not in a sexual way.
My “diet” for the next 6 weeks will largely consist of juice, raw and real. I will be spending the next 3 weeks living in hell – with no breaks, no life, no free time, very little sleep, and no ecstasy at all. So I’ll sneak in meditation where I can and live on juice and air!
There are so many words I could use for D – distraction, delicious, diligent, domestic…
How about “Darn The Luck” because I am now behind on my posts!
But depth is probably the most appropriate and most inclusive of everything that is going on.
Why am I behind? Well, I went on an unexpected technology off-grid weekend. Had I known that I was going to do that, I would have been prepared.
Nevertheless, here is the story:
Friday afternoon: I emailed Dr. Z, whom I friended via Captain Amazing, to invite him for coffee at some point during the weekend. With it being Easter, not having my kids, Captain Amazing having his…the assumption that I would spend the entire weekend alone was a safe bet.
Even with a million friends, when a gal or guy is single, most friends are doing “family stuff” during a holiday weekend.
Unlike the other holidays I endured in the last 6 months flying way too solo for comfort, I decided to be a bit more proactive and at least have an hour of social time so I didn’t feel like a complete outcast.
Friday evening: I had the awesome opportunity to have quality alone time. I had a lot of tedious computer work to do, so I pulled my Ipad out and fired up Netflix…I watched “The Way” which is a bucket list trip for me (the Camino) while I typed…
…I had also brought home with me a new toy from CA’s – he bought it for me on our last shopping outing…I made sure I brought the charger too. It’s a very powerful bullet-type vibrator, shaped like a rocket ship.
Back in the day, when I purchased my second toy, I selected “Majestic Purple” because I wanted something with a little more depth.
It turns out that when I’m on my own, that kind of depth doesn’t do much for me, which surprises me!
Some things I just like to save for the REAL deal – and Captain Amazing has got it!
I met Dr. Z for shooting Saturday morning, and when I arrived at the gun club, he said, “Guess who I ran into on my way here?”
I looked at him and asked, “Who?”
It could have been anybody. I didn’t know…
He looked at me with a look of “Duh..”
I was drawing a blank – and asked again, “Who?”
Then he told me he bumped into Captain Amazing on the way there. They chatted, and CA asked him what he was doing.
Dr. Z replied, “I’m going shooting with your girlfriend.”
I kind of cringed when he said that. I wasn’t sure how CA was going handle the label of “girlfriend.”
My kids have been corrected enough that they use finger air-quotes when they say something like…
“Mom your [finger air-quotes] ‘boyfriend’ [also insert snide sarcastic voice inflection] is doing … (whatever he is doing or saying) … since you’re not [finger air-quotes] ‘labeling it’ [also insert snide sarcastic voice inflection].”
That pretty much sums it up 🙂
Anyway, that was my big concern – not that I was having a coffee/shooting outing with a friend of CA’s…but that I was referred to as his [finger air-quotes] ‘girlfriend’ [also insert snide sarcastic voice inflection].
After the shooting session, which was super fun, I shot a text to CA to give him a summary of my shooting performance, since I did quite well and was a performance worth summarizing.
“Hey – I shot well today. Tried a new grip and new stance and did a drill. I wasn’t good at the drill though. Hope you boys had a good breakfast!”
The discussion over coffee with Dr. Z had a lot of depth – We talked about relationshits versus REALationships, my philosophies on each, my empire of wellness and healing, and I shared some stories and offered to assist him in writing his own “Love Manifesto,” since that is one of my service offerings.
He then made the astute observation that he wished he could take all the good pieces from everyone he’s dated and put them together into the “perfect” mate.
“THAT’S IT!” I exclaimed. “That’s exactly what you do.”
It was time for me to dash to work for 6 hours of tedious massage (the countdown is on), but with lovely people, so at least I was spending the day with people I enjoy!
I pulled out my phone and saw CA’s reply from my earlier text.
He replied: “Very nice. All good and we’re now bouncing. Glad you had fun :-)”
I texted back: “Thanks. Yeah, I didn’t want to spend the whole weekend by myself.”
I’m not sure I felt compelled to say that – I didn’t mean anything by it. It was just a factual statement.
I began my work…and I saw he had replied: “All good – You’re a big girl now!”
I giggled! It was so funny. Then I had the Huggies pull-ups jingle stuck in my head: “I’m a big kid now!”
When I had a chance, I said – “he he!”
…to which he replied that he was going to Costco and did I need anything….
WHAT???!!! Where did that come from???
I did need toilet paper and dishwasher soap – so that’s what I said. He then asked if I was free in the evening and would I like to join him and his boys for dinner.
I left work and met the boys at the restaurant.
First thing – he put his arm around me (?????) and said, “I wasn’t going to leave you alone for the weekend.” (???????)
“Um, ok.” ….and so my unexpected off-grid weekend began…(to be continued)…
I might be a bit out of my depth here…
Captain Amazing’s request is cunnilingus. Not gonna lie, that’s high on my list too. 🙂
Last year, when I really launched my storytelling for public consumption, I didn’t realize what a diabolically ingenious idea it was, until Captain Amazing started reading it.
I was really nervous actually – putting my renegade thoughts out here – and then having him read them.
He not only reads it…he gets into it. He has quoted me back to me – That’s some kind of awesome!
He said that I make him think –
…and he actually adjusted how he begins certain “quasi-serious” conversations with me because he understands some of my triggers and how I have reacted to them in the past, based on what he has read in this journal-like forum.
Isn’t that every girl’s dream? To have a guy understand her???!!!!
I got what I wanted in a creative manner – and that’s cunning. That’s “art” at its best!
There is a caveat though – I’m not like most girls. He told me the other day that I am “a lot more like a dude” in my thoughts, responses, and actions – not “emotional” as he puts it.
I corrected him and said I’m not volatile or hot-headed. I’m responsive, not reactive. There’s a huge difference.
I’m actually easily teary-eyed by a moving story. I am very aware and embrace my emotions, and I feel them every day. I experience what shows up for me, which is why I’m not volatile or hot-headed.
If more people did that, there would be less anger in the world.
Another guy friend of mine, former Marine, told me that I was born into the wrong gender. It’s an interesting observation. It wasn’t until these two men actually pointed out that I am more “guy-like” that I realized in all of my years on the planet, that’s why I have always hung out with guys.
I’m actually not manly in any way at all – I am just not a typical or stereotypical female. I talk about sex, tell dirty jokes, and I try new things – I get dirty. I go places alone.
What I told Mr. Marine was “No, I’m actually 100% girl, but I choose to live instead of waiting for it to happen – and men have always had that privilege. I choose adventure over sitting around being catty or shopping or doing stereotypical ‘girl’ things.”
I actually joined a sorority in college so I could try to fit in with women – Ironically, I spent more time at the fraternities…
Onto the actual requested topic: Cunnilingus: the act of stimulating a woman’s sexual organs with the mouth for sexual pleasure.
I remember the first time a man pleasured me that way – That was a L-O-N-G time ago, BZ (before Zombie), and it surprised me and it was awesome.
Unfortunately, marriage was a long dry spell 😦 I had forgotten that it was even a technique a man and woman could use together.
Zombies do not have great sex – and relationshits suck – figuratively, not literally.
I attended a retreat last summer, which happened to be all women. It wasn’t designed to be, but it was probably better because it was.
So two of the gals admitted to me that they didn’t allow their men (or any man) to go down on them.
They weren’t comfortable enough with their own bodies and their sexuality to allow a man to just play.
It broke my heart.
I had to remember what that felt like, when I was in a relationshit, but thankfully it’s only a memory.
I have days when I’m not so comfortable with my body; it’s a self-image issue that creeps up from time to time, especially right now because my stress level has been quite high during my career transition, and it’s taken a toll – I don’t get to exercise the way I like.
However, I have definitely allowed my sexuality to come out fully, especially in the last few years, but even more so in the last year.
I have the exquisite pleasure of playing out any fantasy I have, or at the very least, expressing it and not have to worry about consequences.
My deepest fantasy really – just to be a toy – And playing back – I’m empowered by giving pleasure and receiving it.
And be comfortable just BE-ing…just to walk around naked comfortably and not care.
…and not only not care, but to be cared for because I can do that and actually show up and do that.
It’s cunning really – although maybe not, because there is no deception. It’s being fully open, present, receptive and expressive.
I like to move – I get into it. I also grab the wall, edge of the bed, something. I’ve been tied up too, and I still use my arms. Simultaneously, I relax.
There should be no thought – This is not a time to plan dinner or redecorate. If that is happening, get out of your head! If you are truly not enjoying it, then you need to speak up. **He wants you to enjoy it – He wants to give you pleasure. Let him!
Use your voice. When I was a Zombie, voices weren’t allowed, so I understand what it’s like to need to be quiet or being too afraid to speak.
Own it loud and proud! Making noise is better for both of you.
BREATHE – and let go. As I stated above, it’s empowering to give and receive pleasure, but you have to allow it. Holding your breath stops the flow of pleasure and energy.
LAUGH – It’s fun!
**Note, it could be a “she” – no judgment. Same tips apply.
Um, even though I stated above that I am “guy like,” I have never been on the ‘giving’ side of this technique, so I can’t speak to that.
I can say that I like a variety of strokes, long and deep. Sometimes too much flick can tickle and become annoying unless and until it is balanced with something else. Please read the “how to receive and enjoy” because that might affect your technique.
Everybody is different. Perhaps a **man will chime in with a specific question or a special technique that he finds useful?? You can be anonymous if you want, although why hide?
**Or woman, no judgment.
I emailed Captain Amazing March 31st to check in.
Subject: “question, comments – no rush.”
I thanked him for taking Youngest and me to a lovely backyard get-together where we met some of his close friends whom we had not met. I informed him that I did not sleep well, although I didn’t disclose the details of the panic attack that woke me up in the night.
He also loaned Youngest a few books, and since he had gone out of his way to perform such a generous act, I wanted to thank him and let him know which book she started to read first.
I then added:
“Oh, this part may be a rush – I decided I didn’t sleep well because I have been orgasmless for too long. Kids leave tomorrow, so I’ll be taking care of myself – If you’d like to join, that would be awesome.
Have a great day!”
I hit send – and received a reply rather quickly:
“I definitely want to join!”
So last night, April 1st, was the night to rid myself of the orgasmic drought. We sat on the patio, drinking whiskey and talking about anything, everything, and nothing – Those are the things that matter, after all.
We chatted about the blog as well. He gave me his request for posts for each letter in the A-Z Blog Challenge.
There is a theme – The original post title for B was going to be “bondage,” but ultimately, that wasn’t the game we played.
Then he asked me, “What would you like to have done to you tonight?”
That’s like asking me what I’d like to eat in an all-you-can-eat buffet!
Where do I start?? I want to taste and try everything!
So I made my request – which was vague – I simply wanted a fun orgasm and just let go and play.
Just get me to my destination, and I’ll enjoy the ride!
He suggested we select a video: “You pick the DVD, and we will do whatever the second scene is.”
🙂 Fun game! Challenge accepted!
I picked “The Best Of Nina Hartley” because I know who she is, ironically not from her film career specifically, but her educational website.
We brought our drinks in…got comfy… and he applied one of the new toys, which we are both very fond of…It’s definitely high on my list.
There’s a lot of power in that package!
I was so preoccupied by the attention that was being paid to me that I wasn’t really watching the video.
“Oh wait, is that the second scene,” I asked.
He said, “Sure, yeah, OK.”
So we added that into the personal scene we were creating, and it really was a buffet – And it was bliss…
GAWD, I needed that – WHEW!
This morning, I woke up early, fetched coffee, and did some of my computer work.
I love the mornings. It’s quiet. I’m less distracted.
I heard his alarm chime, and I prepared his coffee and brought it in. I set his coffee down and gave him a back rub — awwwww — and we lay on the bed next to each other, talking about anything, everything, and nothing – which is all the important stuff.
We reminisced about Saturday morning cartoons, Star Wars, superhero movies, and old TV shows we used to watch. Something stirred in him at the mention of Gilligan’s Island…
…“Mmmmm, Maryann,” he purred.
Then he said, “But who was the blonde actress who I thought was so hot?” He asked me this as if I had been there watching it with him way back in the day.
…and ironically, I actually knew the answer through some divine intervention…
“Heather Locklear,” I said.
“YES!” he exclaimed. “Heather Locklear. If we are out and see her, I apologize, but I have to talk to her.”
“Of course you do!” I said.
He got lost in the thought…“Maybe we could get a threesome,” he said. I giggled.
Really, if I see Chris Evans out, I’m talking to him…I have a long list of men I’ll talk to.
I would expect that Captain Amazing and I would high-five each other for making such a bold move. You only live once.
He insisted that I take the new toy home with me, since I don’t have the kids this weekend.
“OK, but I’ll definitely need the charger,” I said.
I packed up the little white bag of weekend fun for me, and he got ready for work.
We walked out to our cars, and he gave me the BEST hug –
I didn’t want to let go.
I thought, “I’m pretty dang lucky! He’s amazing.”
I have a million and a half things to do today and a million and a half things to catch up on. I have received texts and emails from adoring fans craving another post!
I’ve been writing other things – Ah
It’s my Anniversary today.
One year ago, I started really focusing on the blog with this challenge. I’m addicted to it. I think being away from this therapeutic and creative ritual has left me feeling out of sorts.
At any rate, I have accepted the challenge to add to it daily, except Sundays, for this month and that should support me in the final phase of my leap into the abyss to stop feeding the abyss.
It’s like a sacredly sacrificing myself into a live volcano so it doesn’t explode and sink the island and kill the inhabitants!
May 26th is my last scheduled day for performing hands-on massage. I’m passing the torch to other competent and talented ladies, like the Dread Pirate Roberts in the Princess Bride.
Well, I had to let one gal go, and I’m interviewing another today. But I remain optimistic that that will all work out.
I do find it frustrating when other people do not have the same work ethic that I do – It’s not that difficult to do a good job. You just DO IT!
It’s like LIFE – Just be in it and show up.
Perhaps that’s one of my “gifts” – that work ethic.
Although, Captain Amazing did call me out on how I’m “all over the place” with the million and a half things I do.
I had to candidly admit to him that it’s really to fill the empty hole, the abyss, that resides inside me.
I know that no amount of busy-ness is going to fill that empty hole, just like when I work with clients about their relationshits with food – They binge to fill the empty hole that can never be filled with food.
BTW, I did invent my new word for “relationship,” and it’s the integral part of my program. It’s REALationship. 🙂 I really dig it.
Why is the abyss there? What tangible thing is missing that has been replaced by this empty hole?
That was my candid admission –
He said, “I see you do so much for other people, so much pro-bono work. You give yourself away.”
I’m aware of that, and the moment he said it, I knew, and I had to say it aloud to him so that he could understand.
I need to nurture something…be part of something that is bigger than me but still part of me…if that makes sense.
I have always been filled with busy-ness…It’s another way to run away when the abyss is just staring me down. I throw work into it; all of my energy goes into it; I can’t seem to fill it up with enough of me to make it go away.
There was a time in my life when the abyss was just a teeny-tiny pothole, and I was surrounded by abundance. I nurtured myself and my kids and that thing that is bigger than me, even though it was broken (the pothole did grow larger).
Afterwards, it grew massive after the divorce, but I was able to shrink it by not feeding it.
However, I’ve noticed since last summer, that the busy-ness has increased, and the abyss has grown larger. It does that when I’m not paying attention to myself.
It’s a ravenous monster that can’t be fed enough food, energy, or time.
I’ve decided to no longer feed the monster.
I faced the abyss and said, “No more.” This time, for real because I want it GONE, not just shrunken.
I’ve been wanting to say the final ADIOS for a long time, but the abyss always stands up on its hind legs and growls and snarls and then pins me down until I concede.
This time, however, the date is set in stone. I’m walking away from the major activity that has fed the abyss for the last 7 years.
Since I made the final, emphatic decision, the abyss has charged at me, scared me at times, taken away some things I hold very dear, to test my resolve.
I have not yielded.
And now the tides have turned.
Last week, it took away my breath, and on Sunday, it woke me up in the middle of the night, beating on my chest and strangling me. It knows this is the end for it. It’s not dying quietly.
Even in the middle of the panic attack the abyss gave me, I did not yield.
So in order to defeat the abyss, this monster, once and for all, I am letting go of the million and a half things that I do, which feeds the monster, and clearly focus on my goals without adding more to the mix. I am not giving myself away, which feeds the monster.
And I’m leaping into it…because what I’ve been missing is inside it.
Adios Abyss –
I have spent the last 30 days writing for myself daily and posting those thoughts for the world to see.
Kinda cool, kinda scary.
Will they like me? Will I piss them off with my opinion?
I haven’t offered strong opinions yet – except for Responsibility – and I was pleased that someone didn’t agree with everything offered there 🙂
I had thought about writing a series of articles ahead of time and scheduling them – but I didn’t. I wrote every day. Most days, I didn’t know what my word was going to be or what I was going to write about.
It’s a proud moment for myself. YAY me!
The journey began: I had just moved (still have boxes) and spent months in relationship hell trying to get fully out of something where I didn’t belong, asking myself why I entered into it when I knew from the start it was not going to work.
The “why” is very clear – there were things I hadn’t learned yet:
I have freedom and answers to questions about myself – really knowing who I am and having an unwavering understanding of my unique needs and wants – and they are unique – so my body is behaving as it should, it feels amazing – and I’m mentally/spiritually very intact.
I no longer ask myself, “What’s wrong with me?” I ask, “What’s RIGHT with me?”
I celebrate my nerdiness, my weirdness, my abhorrence of drama, my joy at walking outside, my singing to myself all day long ~
It’s all great stuff…and no one will cage me or speak for me or tell me what to wear, where to go, whom I should be with. I will not accept criticism or judgment over how I live my life or what makes me happy.
EXCEPT: I gave permission to my closest friends to slap me if I think it’s a good idea to have roommates again – not good –
…My oh my…it’s a wonderful day.
Me: Master Yoda, I’m seeking your divine wisdom about relationships and dating. I must say, it looks like your workouts are working out for you.
Yoda: When 900 hundred years old you reach, look as good, you will not, hmmmm?
Me: Damn straight!!! Should I try any new exercises so I can look as good as you?
Yoda: Do or do not. There is no try.
Me: True that. So, I have friends who are afraid of ending bad relationships. What advice would you give them?
Yoda: The fear of loss is a path to the Dark Side. Train yourself to let go of everything you fear to lose.
Me: How do you do this, Master Yoda?
Yoda: You must unlearn what you have learned. Many of the truths that we cling to depend on our point of view.
Me: Ahhh, I see. But I’m looking for someone who fits my unique view of the world. Where do I look?
Yoda: Looking? Found someone you have, eh?
Me: He he! We are just playing. What else do you see there?
Yoda: Difficult to see. Always in motion is the future..
Me: That’s what I see too. I would rather live in the today moment. But how do I know if I have found a good guy who is right for me?
Yoda: You will find only what you bring in. You will know when you are calm, at peace -passive. When you look at the Dark Side, careful you must be, for the dark side looks back. PATIENCE YOU MUST HAVE!
Me: Excellent and wise, you are, Master Yoda 🙂 How would the Force help me if I find myself stuck again?
Yoda: In a dark place we find ourselves, and a little more knowledge lights our way. A Jedi uses the Force for knowledge and defense.
Me: OK – Let’s switch to something more sensitive 🙂 I’m a “do or do not” kind of gal and I tend to be rather bold, and I like the middle of the bed where I can just spread out. Do you think this is good?
Yoda: Foreplay, cuddling – a Jedi craves not these things.
Me: Yay – I’m a Jedi! Let me ask you this: My friend has had trouble finding a man who is “functional” in the ways of love. What should I tell her?
Yoda: Happens to every guy sometimes this does.
Me: And what about size? There is a rumor that size doesn’t matter – What do you say to that?
Yoda: Size matters not. Look at me. Judge me by my size, do you? Hmm? Hmm.
Me: No, no judgment, Master Yoda.
Yoda: Early must I rise. Leave now you must! May the Force be with you.
Me: Thank you Master Yoda. – Yoda man! 🙂
Note: Yoda is the property of George Lucas and all that. I borrowed these Yodaisms from a list of Yoda quotes, and it’s intended to be fun. 🙂
Youngest Downey Jr. and I went for a walk to Whole Foods Saturday after my hike. It was cold and windy.
Her sister, Middlest Spiderman, works as a lifeguard at a local waterpark. The inclement weather closed the park that day, which was her day off, and we were all hoping that it would rain Sunday also, so she could have that day off too.
Youngest said, “I wish I had Storm’s super powers, so I could make the weather be whatever I want it to be. Then she could have the day off.”
I thought that was an outstanding gesture to look out for her sister that way.
Affecting the weather would be a fantastic super power.
So would x-ray vision.
If you really think about it, we all have x-ray vision, in a way. It’s just that some of us choose to use it and some don’t.
I don’t mean seeing through people’s clothes. I mean seeing through to their souls – seeing what they are really like –
I’ve been looked at like that by one person – He studied me with such attention – His eyes danced as they looked at me…and then the corners of his eyes crinkled up as if each eye smiled itself…and then his whole face smiled.
It was like he was searching for something deep inside of me, and he found it and was happy.
I have this kind of x-ray vision super power – to see through to someone’s potential. However, it is somewhat flawed because the person has to tap into his potential and see it for himself and then take action.
I can’t control the action. I can’t make it happen just because I see it.
X-ray vision PLUS would be a nice upgrade, so I can extract the potential out of someone and apply it.
Until that day arrives, I will just see what I see, without judgment, and celebrate that potential with a warm heart.
Today the weather was interesting.
It was cool, chilly for Phoenix this time of year, and my friends and I went hiking in the coolness and wind.
Up on the peaks, it was downright cold! Captain Amazing gave me his jacket 🙂 The whole morning was soooooo much fun!!!
JM told me something that correlates with the weather – that last year was the year of the snake – a transition year.
I remember when it snowed here in Scottsdale in February 2013. That was a crazy day of transition.
While the storm was brewing that day, I was inside Whole Foods having lunch and being “dumped.”
I put my fork down when I realized what was being said to me…
“We are at the point where demands are going to be made…” he said.
“…and I just don’t want you to get hurt…” he continued.
The sky became very black outside, and the wind was howling.
If I had known that either of these things was going to take place that day, I would have worn a more appropriate outfit – rather than the tank top and miniskirt.
“Ok????” – sort of a long, drawn out — ooookkkkaaaayyyy???????
“Are you sure? Because I’m not going to be making any demands whatsoever,” I said. “I’m quite happy with the way things are.”
He looked puzzled.
I felt like I looked puzzled. Was I missing something?
He said, “I’m just not into this – I have one foot in and one foot out.”
Then the rain came down in buckets and the wind picked up. I could see the blackness in my peripheral vision. It felt like it was midnight, not noon.
“Then why did you send me those valentines and all the gifts, and we talk every day. Have I made some sort of demand?”
“No, not all. You’ve never once asked me for anything or demanded more from me… But I know how I am and how I am in relationships, and demands are next and may be needed, and I’m not fully committed to this.”
“Wow,” I said, which I’ve said before while having a similar talk.
“I still don’t quite understand… This conversation is incongruent with your behavior, but if that’s how you feel, then it is,” I said.
It began to hail.
“It is, and I hope that we can be friends,” he said, “because I love you…as a person. You’re an incredible woman.”
“Of course,” I said. “I adore you, and I’ve had so much fun – I would hate to not have you in my life.”
We chatted more as I packed away the food that was no longer appetizing. My stomach was churning; however, I was surprised I was so composed and was so grateful that I had the strength to get through this, especially when I wasn’t prepared.
He reminded me again that he loved me and that the sex was “off the chain.”
Well, I’m glad I did something right!
“OMG, the sex is going away,” I thought. “Sh!t – that sucks.”
We both stood up from the booth, and he walked me to the door of the store…where the floors were soaked.
The rain and hail stopped…probably so I could get to my car – The weather was being kind to me – probably sympathy for my sexless life to come.
It was the blackest that I had ever seen a daytime sky.
He hugged me and asked if I was okay.
“Of course,” I replied. “I’m incredible.”
I touched his face, smiled at him, turned, and walked out into the weather, leaving him at the door.
I couldn’t feel my legs – either numb from the cold or from the disconnect I was having with reality. Yet, I walked with poise and my head up high … and with one hand holding my skirt down – Please don’t let my skirt blow up right now!!!
I went to work as a zombie… As I drove, it began to snow… Snow in Scottsdale, Arizona.
Hell had finally frozen over.
So today, it was cold and windy… It did not snow, but JM’s comment about the transition took me back to that day.
After our tremendously fun hike, I went to work. I was working with one client when a funny thing happened.
I had been given a note by the same man who was the catalyst for my great transformation, the one who allowed me to walk away into the weather with my dignity slightly intact.
He had given me the note in the beginning of 2013 – that year of the snake – the year I spent honing my ME skills…
The note sits on a shelf by my wall of love notes. It has jumped off the shelf once before (another story) – and today with the weather as it is and the new friendships I’m forging, I am really curious why that paper, which never moves except as I stated above, had fallen to the floor.
What’s the forecast for the next adventure?
I really don’t know, but I’m going to enjoy every day, regardless of the weather 🙂
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