What A Real Man Says And Does

 

A REAL MAN is almost as rare as a unicorn….I’m a unicorn, and there is only one of me…

How would I know what a real man says and does? After all, I’ve only known 2 real men in my life – Those 2 Real Men set the bar quite high.

 

Sidebar: I began this post in July – since then I’ve added a 3rd – see below. 

 

One is my brother, so my sister-in-law knows what I’m talking about. He’s a great man. He has recently moved away from our area, and this has shaken me up more than I realized it would. I don’t need to say this just because he is my brother.

 

The other walked into my life in the most unexpected and extraordinary manner, and we remain faithful friends in our labeless friendship/datingship/relationship type thing, whatever you want to call it.

 

I avoid putting any male on a pedestal, especially when that status hasn’t been earned.

 

Many have tried, but they failed at some fundamentals.

 

A woman (or man, no judgment) cannot just order a REAL MAN and have one delivered…You’ll end up with DiGiorno, and that’s not the Italian you really want to wake up next to.

It’s not delivery. It’s DiGiorno.®.

Once you have tasted

A REAL MAN gives you a coat to wear when you’re both going outside to the patio to visit before bed, and he doesn’t just hand it to you – He helps you into it and wraps you up like burrito, making sure you are warm.

 

A REAL MAN makes sure everyone is sleeping and comfortable, and he comes to find you, asleep on the couch – and he lies with you all night.

 

A REAL MAN finds your face in the dark and kisses you before you go to sleep.

 

A REAL MAN plays with you. And when you text him to schedule a session, he makes time for you.

 

A REAL MAN allows and expects you to be yourself, even if you’re silly.

 

A REAL MAN is much happier when you’re happier…and he tells you that!

 

A REAL MAN  assures you that you cannot fuck up with him 🙂

 

He still has a lot of catching up to do on “life” because the stress at work and in his personal life is so incredibly all-consuming – It is like the Blob, just taking over everything.

blob-eats

He is constantly fighting the Blob and the work stress – and hopefully soon, life can get back to normal… but the Blob has been around for 6 months.

 

I have noticed how stress affects this man. He is like me in soooooo many ways.

 

When the stress becomes too much, the fortress goes up – and all energies go into defending against the enemy and strategically planning the counterattack.

 

As long as I know that it’s happening, I’m okay with it.

 

He is a REAL MAN, defending his honor, truth, right to protect and serve himself and his tribe.

 

The Blob has been all-consuming…sad for me…a house remodel, a new position for me with ridiculously early hours, and more work for both of us:

 

There hasn’t been a night on the patio in a very long time…sleep-overs are once a month, if I’m lucky…and it’s sad.

miss_you_on__a_rock

Very recently, after I started this post, a 3rd man entered my life. Fortunately for me, Mr. V has stepped in to shine as a REAL MAN in other ways for me.

 

Champion of hard work and leadership, Mr. V has been my biggest fan during my career shift. Where others have talked the talk, Mr. V has walked the walk.

 

It’s hard to say if I’ve been burying myself in work BECAUSE of all of the chaos in Captain Amazing’s world or if the chaos in his world has escalated because of my work.

 

When I recognized that this imbalance between work and personal was not satisfying to me and leaving me empty, Mr. V and I had several awesome talks about what I could do – and that my happiness was of utmost importance.

 

Never get so busy making a living that you forget to make a life.

 

Two enormous opportunities happened at work simultaneously, all thanks to Mr. V and the encouragement to go for it.

 

A promotion, a “show” and full-time work-at-home-once-again status (Dreams come true!)

 

It’s time to put all the pieces back together to further dominate this dream.

 

I immediately walked across the street and signed up for Lifetime again!

 

The sales gal asked me what my goal is: “Do you want to tone, lose weight, get in shape…”

 

I said, “Well, if we are going to be open and real here, I want to pose in a centerfold by my next birthday.” 

 

She said, “Yess!!! I’m putting that down. You could go do that right now. That’s the best answer I’ve ever had.”

 

She had a training minion with her – He was gorgeous and learning the software and the sales, and he chimed in and volunteered to be my bodyguard. 🙂

 

Done!

 

I’m thankful in so many ways. I have a great life, and as always, I’m surrounded by guys I adore – I’m fortunate also that I have REAL MEN in my life too ❤

 

Tales Of The Extroverted Dominant Submissive Introvert

I am an enigma wrapped in a mystery. I am an extroverted dominant submissive introvert. I should have a cape or a mask, secret identity, and go on undercover missions because I can disguise myself as either part of myself.

Since I am still in the most significant relationship/datingship/friendship thing of my life (without labels, of course, and no, it’s not a relationshit), I’m learning a lot about what makes me tick, and it scares the crap out of me!

For the first time in my history with this man, I felt unsafe for a moment, and I can finally articulate exactly what I want, in all its ambiguous clarity. 🙂

This might not end well…but the whole middle part is awesome!

Part 1: The Friendless Social Butterfly

The first part of the story started when Captain Amazing and I had our calendars out, discussing the next two weekends and how we would be spending our time.

He asked me if traveling to Mexico sounded good.

“YES PLEASE!” I said.

“Cool,” he said. “And we’ll come back Sunday and go to the Cardinals season opener.”

He then asked, “Do you have any friends you’d like to invite?”

I paused, thinking. There was an uncomfortable silence as he stared at me and I looked somewhere else, contemplating the question.

It’s one of those questions that scatters everything out of my brain, so there is nothing left in my head, and I have to spend a few minutes trying the coax my thoughts back into the room.

“…um…” I said.

Then he added (which was unavoidable), “…or do you have friends?”

I DO have friends, but not the way most other women have friends…I think…

I don’t actually have a regular “group” of friends. For my whole life, I have often selected one or two individuals from different social groups, and I float from group to group –

It’s important that I know a lot of people – not for me…for them. I introduce them to each other for dating reasons and business reasons, but it’s typically via an email introduction, and then I let them come together in their way. I’ve tried to co-mingle with the introductees, and I don’t care for it. There is too much responsibility for me to ensure the meeting goes well. My preferred part is simply the intro and leave everything else to them.

Even though I know many, many people, I often lose touch over time. Not because there are hurt feelings or dislike – It’s more of time constraints and growth in other areas. And I don’t let people get too close to me. The last time I did, they died.

I said, “No I guess not. I mean, I do have friends, but nobody right now that I’d want to spend an entire weekend out of town with.”

Although, he could invite anybody he wants, and I would be perfectly happy with that! I’m also perfectly happy just the two of us.

People often see me as completely, without a doubt, totally extroverted and brave because my personality attracts a lot of attention.

There is another side of me that stays at home, reads, writes, is extremely disciplined in exercise, and avoids attention. I love doing that – it gives me a competitive edge!

While I love my alone time, I am very, very outgoing. I can have a blast doing nothing all day OR hanging out with people all day. I love to do both. I’m often otherwise dedicated to my work, my alone time, my exercise, and to the people who are most important to me.

I am often quiet, but I love to talk. I enjoy the intimacy of hanging out one on one rather than in large groups, even though I’m not a very intimate person.

Small talk annoys me.  I avoid it. I don’t want to talk about how bad the weather is or what’s going on in the world. That said, I am completely happy chatting it up with friends and strangers.

I do put myself out there, live fairly fearlessly, and I have a great time when I do go out. But my time is precious, and I have a lot of necessities (exercise, kid-time, discipline) to squeeze into my day, and I still live inside my head (which is probably the scariest place). My thoughts are always analyzing situations and how I feel (which I keep to myself). I also don’t like to spend money on myself.

I am often perceived as a leader. I am driven to succeed, work long hours, do my best in everything, solve problems, and make systems more efficient, but I cannot manage people. I expect people to manage themselves and comply with the same rules I give myself.

What drives me? I’d love to say it’s for myself, my glory, my riches, but it actually isn’t. It’s for those in my very, very tiny inner circle. Without them, I am a lost soul with no direction. I need the leader that complements my nature. I am the dominant submissive – (play theme song)

All of these thoughts, behaviors, and attitudes around success require me to ‘turn it off’ in other areas. I strive to dominate most scenarios, not settle for being less than my best, but I don’t do it for me. It is to ensure that my inner circle is pleased.

…or is that how I dominate? (Insert evil laugh here)

It’s a very compelling question which leads me to part two of the story:

That Which Gives Me Strength Is Simultaneously My Kryptonite

The most significant back story required to really lay the foundation of what is to come below is the couple of times when the subject of living together had popped up – We had talked about talking about it twice, at length and in detail, both in the spring and in July, which resulted in his decision to never go down that road, even though he was the one who initiated the conversation.

The underlying current of thought for me consists of “who am I” and “what do I want” – two questions that I say I ask, but I really avoid because neither has a safe answer.

So, we were chilling in the pool, and Captain Amazing shared his new book collection – He decided that he’s going to try to figure himself out when it comes to relationships. He said that he is set in his ways and on a specific path…and isn’t going to change…

…Cool – he shouldn’t change…

His brilliant idea, as he described it, went something like this: That when he finds the right submissive girl, he will know how to take care of her without making a mess of everything else.

I’m paraphrasing – this is what my personal reality heard.

??????????????

He went on to say that whomever he finds will need to not touch his money because he is on a specific path to savings, and would have to be great with his sons, especially HLB, and not want kids…

??????????????

While I do appreciate that I am, indeed, the coolest chick on the planet and not quite a human because I’m a unicorn, I still am partly human/female, although maybe he didn’t know who he was talking to??? Sheer panic arose inside me for many reasons.

  1. Holy shit, I am not his first choice, not his best choice. Clearly, I need to step up my game! Shit!
  2. I don’t want him to “change.” Evolve – sure. Figure himself out – great. Change? No.
  3. I don’t want his money or anything from him. Shit! Why doesn’t he believe this?
  4. I am not the best choice for this boy??????? …as HLB was tightly gripped to my neck because we had been playing in the pool together, swimming with and away from the sharks and whales in the pool –  Shitty, shit, shit!

This might not end well…but the whole middle part is awesome!

Instantly, I felt like I had been thrown from a cliff. He continued to chat merrily about all the reading he’s been doing, staying up all night fascinated by this subject and by upgrading his internet.

But all I could do was stand there in the water, with my mouth agape, trying to collect my thoughts which hadn’t scattered unfortunately. Rather, they sat like cement blocks inside my gut.

HLB was done in the pool. He wanted to go take a nap.

“Come on Mindy,” he said. “I want to go inside.” 

He wanted me to take his swim wings off and give him his towel.

As the three of us walked into the house, I turned to Captain Amazing and said, “Let me know when you figure me out with all your reading. I’m probably inside those books – I’m kinda weird.” I tried to keep it light because I just didn’t know how to respond.

I did, however, recognize that it was mission critical that I say SOMETHING to at least initiate the conversation that probably should start out like: “What the fuck, Dude?????” 

He said, “I haven’t figured you out yet. You’re definitely agreeable. I am sure we’d find something to fight about – probably money, like someone bought something and that led to an argument…” He continued to somewhat ramble about this while he was getting HLB ready for a nap, and HLB then became the center of attention with a mini-meltdown because he was tired.

Instead, I dug deep to bring out the part of me that can detach from something uncomfortable or dangerous, so that I can internally analyze the situation before I make a decision on the best course of action.

…but my gut was flashing a big red DANGER sign, and I just couldn’t shake that something was not right.

We watched a movie and it was as enjoyable because he and I sat together, touching and I needed that so badly…to feel safe again.

But when the movie was over, he said, “Let’s go play with the modem.” So we went into his office and he started telling me all about how hackers can get into your internet.

He has very good reasons for his feeling unsafe – stemming from things that I cannot talk about. But I understand that from a logical point of view. He has every reason to feel threatened by the events that have unfolded and are continuing to unfold in his life.

However, I sat listening, as I often do, with my undivided and complete attention to every word, his body language, his intelligence, the speed of his speech, and the thoughts – and it reminded me of Mel Gibson in Conspiracy Theory, where Jerry’s manic paranoia is justifiable but delivered in an oh-so very over-the-top fashion.

…and for the second time in one day, I felt unsafe, although not for my own safety, …. for his.

 

I left him to do his work, and HLB woke up from his nap. We played and all was right with the world.

I went to check on CA, and he was in the dark room, lying on his bed prone. I sat next to him, and I rubbed his back while he expressed his frustration and rambled about the internet…and he said how tired he was, and he started to drift. I assured him that he could sleep, that he was safe, and that I could take care of all the kids.

I left him there, closed the door, and took care of all the kids…with cement in my gut.

The older kids played video games, and HLB and I played outside on the trampoline and on the jungle gym. We played baseball, soccer, and catch. We made “cupcakes” and did the dishes. I fixed dinner, and the kids and I had great conversation about sleep, laziness, Coke, food, video games, school – all the important stuff in kids’ lives.

Then HLB took a shower and I put his jammies on him, and he wanted to read. We tucked ourselves into his bed and read several books, until I fell into an uncomfortable sleep – too sad to cry – stomach hurting – heart breaking.

Youngest came in and said she was ready to leave, so we packed up our things, said very brief “goodnights,” and went home.

This man gives me strength and makes me weak. UGH!

It was time for the hard part – sleeping with Kryptonite in my gut.

Part 3 of the story –

How A Submissive Introvert Expresses What She Wants In A Quasi-Extroverted Dominant Fashion

I couldn’t sleep. My heart was racing, my thoughts were racing. I actually entertained the thought that I had internally “taken on” his exhaustion-induced quasi-manic episode so he could sleep.

I was so worried that I couldn’t even collect a coherent thought to write or to work or to move.

I texted him to try to initiate the conversation. Initiation is difficult for a submissive introvert. I have to call forth all of my extroverted dominance, but in this arena of feelings, asking for what I want and expressing myself feels like I’m both attacking and being attacked – and the one person who can keep me safe and talk about the situation logically with is the one person I have to face.

I don’t like those kinds of feelings and I am not “romantic” at all. I would prefer to be pinched or slapped or self-inflict some sort of torture (which is probably why I exercise the way I do) than to express heart-felt feelings. They are there, but I prefer they stay buried in a deep dark cave where no one will find them.

I told him I wanted to make sure he was okay and that I wanted to slap him and then have him inflict pain upon me until all these feelings went away.

He had no idea what I was talking about.

What do I want?  We met 2 years ago – My life changed that day. I knew it because of what I physically felt. But I also did not know to what level my life would change.

So what do I want? I mean really, really want? These are things he doesn’t know. He couldn’t have known because I haven’t known how to sum it up in a nice neat package until now. Maybe it’s time he gets to know me just a little bit better…

I’m like an iceberg. The smallest part of me is what you see.

All I want, whatever it looks like, is to crawl into his arms, wrap them around me, and have him protect me – to feel safe inside there.  I could live there forever. I don’t care what the outside of that cocoon looks like – marriage, living arrangements, finances – I don’t care about those things; they are meaningless to me. That’s why it’s so difficult to express what I want in terms that others would understand.

So my introverted submissive dominates that conversation – by saying nothing at all – even though that is the part of me with the strongest needs.

I want his protection around me…and the things that go with that: Sex, sleep, safety, and satisfaction (more sex too).

One of the first questions he ever asked me was “Do you feel safe? Do you trust me?” And my response then is the same as it is now: “I trust you with my life.”

When he first asked me that, we hadn’t had sex yet, and he still made me feel that way. He always has.

Whenever the world is off-kilter, I know that I can just hear his voice, see his face, touch his skin, and I feel infinitely better. That’s all I need. It’s all I have ever needed, like breathing.

I never want that to go away because I’ve never felt that with anyone until him. He is my rock – THE one man – who can provide that for me.

There is a submissive part of me who wants him to tell me what to do because he would do right by me, and I wouldn’t have to think so much. He’s better at those things than I am.

… and at the same time, I want to protect him and his boys – keep them safe – I want them to know that I won’t abandon them, just like I won’t abandon my own kids…and it’s more than a “want” – It is a need, like breathing.

…That I’m there and that I’m always striving to be the best for them, whatever that looks like – that I am enough because of who I am. And for someone like me, whose inner circle is microscopically tiny, that’s an entire world.

And I’m not going to take their things, their money, their other people – just like I wouldn’t do that to my own kids – They are my inner circle.

There are times in the night, and I don’t think he knows this – when he calls out to me, like a little boy with bad dreams. There are sounds he makes that sound like a small child. I wake up and look around, looking for one of the kids, but he is the only one there. I often wonder if he goes back to those times, in his boyhood, when he is seeking that safety…the same safety I need… and I offer it to him, unspoken, like breathing.

I made a pact – a commitment – a real one, although I’m the only witness to it. It has had more meaning, power, and promise than any other I have ever made (except for motherhood). It is simple: “I am here – I’ve got your back.”

…and in those moments when his sleep is disturbed, I whisper that: “I am here – I’m right here,” and I touch his back so he knows I have it. And he goes back to sleep, safe. I believe that he believes it, and I’m glad that he doesn’t know this part of himself – If he ever reads this, I hope that he forgets.

I need his dominance over me – I need his decision-making, take charge, we do things his way, like I need to breathe. But I also need my dominance to make my decisions, which are fewer, to take care of all the little details that are affected by his decisions – and that contribute to the whole.

And I also need him to sleep and trust that I will dominate that part, so he can recharge.

I need to submit but not get lost.

Who am I? I am the extroverted dominant strong submissive introverted fragile woman unicorn who needs this extroverted dominant strong intelligent man (even when his head is in his ass – I still have personality) and the boy inside him (and the one beside him) who need me when the world gets a little rough around the edges and they need a safe place to crash.

This might not end well…but the whole middle part is awesome!

Ecstasy And Energy

A-Z Blog Challenge

Letter E

…title by Captain Amazing…

There are many ways to define ecstasy. It is a state of extreme delight, which seems rather tame and not as descriptive as when I’m floating in ecstasy.

How does he define it?

I actually haven’t asked. I guess I should… It would be important to know that.

However, I have observed moments of sexual ecstasy, without doubt – which make me ecstatic! The power I possess to make that happen – to render this man absolutely helpless and incapacitated for that moment…It’s an event I just cannot get enough of!

He has observed moments of sexual ecstasy in me…Some of those moments have lasted hours. One night, he spent over 3 hours examining and studying how my body reacted when he did certain things – like a mad scientist.

He knows every inch, centimeter, millimeter of my entire body – every bit of it – It’s terrifying and awesome! There is no hiding!

I cannot pretend to be anything else – I cannot make any excuses – All I have is my rawness, my realness, my authentic manner of showing up physically and emotionally because I have no walls left – I have nothing to hide behind.

It’s terrifying and awesome!

It’s like I’ve peeled back all the hard layers of being a so-called “adult,” to reveal mySELF.

The results are nothing less than exquisite.

And I’m ecstatic about it!

I would say that ecstasy is not just extreme happiness, but an exchange of it…giving and receiving.

I also find myself in a very unique position, not just being so revealed fully, but stepping into that revelation – into a place I’ve never been before. 

In 6 weeks, I close the door on the massage room. It’s terrifying and awesome!

My arms hurt, my wrist hurts…I’m so tired. 

I don’t want to launch my new career not being able to function, so I am creating an Ecstatic Energy Exchange, where I exit the old life and enter the new one – 

I’ve slowly been doing this over the last year and a half, but now I’m down the wire, and I just feel like I need a ritualistic challenge to reboot. And I need to focus on the physical elements that have been not attended to with the grace and charm they are normally given. 

 In order to feel more ecstatic ecstasy in all elements of my existence, my cells need some deep cleaning and some deep loving~ I need ENERGY.

I have already eliminated (again) all artificial sweeteners, and actually that includes Stevia. If it comes from a manufacturing plant (other than to be ground), it’s not going in my mouth.

I just got an awesome toy for grinding, not in a sexual way.

My “diet” for the next 6 weeks will largely consist of juice, raw and real. I will be spending the next 3 weeks living in hell – with no breaks, no life, no free time, very little sleep, and no ecstasy at all. So I’ll sneak in meditation where I can and live on juice and air! 

….

Cunning

A-Z Blog Challenge, Day 3

Letter C

Captain Amazing’s request is cunnilingus. Not gonna lie, that’s high on my list too. 🙂

Last year, when I really launched my storytelling for public consumption, I didn’t realize what a diabolically ingenious idea it was, until Captain Amazing started reading it.

I was really nervous actually – putting my renegade thoughts out here – and then having him read them.

He not only reads it…he gets into it. He has quoted me back to me – That’s some kind of awesome!

He said that I make him think –

…and he actually adjusted how he begins certain “quasi-serious” conversations with me because he understands some of my triggers and how I have reacted to them in the past, based on what he has read in this journal-like forum.

Isn’t that every girl’s dream? To have a guy understand her???!!!!

I got what I wanted in a creative manner – and that’s cunning. That’s “art” at its best!

There is a caveat though – I’m not like most girls. He told me the other day that I am “a lot more like a dude” in my thoughts, responses, and actions – not “emotional” as he puts it.

I corrected him and said I’m not volatile or hot-headed. I’m responsive, not reactive. There’s a huge difference.

I’m actually easily teary-eyed by a moving story. I am very aware and embrace my emotions, and I feel them every day. I experience what shows up for me, which is why I’m not volatile or hot-headed.

If more people did that, there would be less anger in the world.

Another guy friend of mine, former Marine, told me that I was born into the wrong gender. It’s an interesting observation. It wasn’t until these two men actually pointed out that I am more “guy-like” that I realized in all of my years on the planet, that’s why I have always hung out with guys.

I’m actually not manly in any way at all – I am just not a typical or stereotypical female. I talk about sex, tell dirty jokes, and I try new things – I get dirty. I go places alone.

What I told Mr. Marine was “No, I’m actually 100% girl, but I choose to live instead of waiting for it to happen – and men have always had that privilege. I choose adventure over sitting around being catty or shopping or doing stereotypical ‘girl’ things.”

I actually joined a sorority in college so I could try to fit in with women – Ironically, I spent more time at the fraternities…

Cunnilingus

Onto the actual requested topic: Cunnilingus: the act of stimulating a woman’s sexual organs with the mouth for sexual pleasure.

I remember the first time a man pleasured me that way – That was a L-O-N-G time ago, BZ (before Zombie), and it surprised me and it was awesome.

Unfortunately, marriage was a long dry spell 😦  I had forgotten that it was even a technique a man and woman could use together.

Zombies do not have great sex – and relationshits suck – figuratively, not literally.

I attended a retreat last summer, which happened to be all women. It wasn’t designed to be, but it was probably better because it was.

So two of the gals admitted to me that they didn’t allow their men (or any man) to go down on them.

They weren’t comfortable enough with their own bodies and their sexuality to allow a man to just play.

It broke my heart.

I had to remember what that felt like, when I was in a relationshit, but thankfully it’s only a memory.

I have days when I’m not so comfortable with my body; it’s a self-image issue that creeps up from time to time, especially right now because my stress level has been quite high during my career transition, and it’s taken a toll – I don’t get to exercise the way I like.

However, I have definitely allowed my sexuality to come out fully, especially in the last few years, but even more so in the last year.

I have the exquisite pleasure of playing out any fantasy I have, or at the very least, expressing it and not have to worry about consequences.

My deepest fantasy really – just to be a toy – And playing back – I’m empowered by giving pleasure and receiving it.

And be comfortable just BE-ing…just to walk around naked comfortably and not care. 

…and not only not care, but to be cared for because I can do that and actually show up and do that.

It’s cunning really – although maybe not, because there is no deception. It’s being fully open, present, receptive and expressive.

How To Receive & Enjoy Cunnilingus

I like to move – I get into it. I also grab the wall, edge of the bed, something. I’ve been tied up too, and I still use my arms. Simultaneously, I relax. 

There should be no thought – This is not a time to plan dinner or redecorate. If that is happening, get out of your head! If you are truly not enjoying it, then you need to speak up. **He wants you to enjoy it – He wants to give you pleasure. Let him! 

Use your voice. When I was a Zombie, voices weren’t allowed, so I understand what it’s like to need to be quiet or being too afraid to speak.

Own it loud and proud! Making noise is better for both of you. 

BREATHE – and let go. As I stated above, it’s empowering to give and receive pleasure, but you have to allow it. Holding your breath stops the flow of pleasure and energy. 

LAUGH – It’s fun! 

**Note, it could be a “she” – no judgment. Same tips apply. 

How To Give & Enjoy Cunnilingus

Um, even though I stated above that I am “guy like,” I have never been on the ‘giving’ side of this technique, so I can’t speak to that. 

I can say that I like a variety of strokes, long and deep. Sometimes too much flick can tickle and become annoying unless and until it is balanced with something else. Please read the “how to receive and enjoy” because that might affect your technique.

Everybody is different. Perhaps a **man will chime in with a specific question or a special technique that he finds useful?? You can be anonymous if you want, although why hide? 

**Or woman, no judgment. 

The Double-Stuffed Cream Filling – Part 1

This is the first of two stories that actually took place in the delicious creamy center between the outer edges of my February Oreo cookie (Anti-VD and Week of Disease) –

Happiest Little Boy & Blue

On Monday, February 16th, I arrived at my lovely client’s beautiful home (castle), and she pointed to the corner of the room. She asked me if I would like it –

She knows my real boyfriend is a 2-year-old I run around with, and he’s the Happiest Little Boy (HLB).

Note: I call HLB my “boyfriend,” and we are truly, madly in love each other!! I have thing for younger guys 😉

A couple of weeks ago, his dad, his uncle, HLB and I met up to go hiking, and I hadn’t seen him in a couple of weeks. When he saw me, he jumped from his dad’s arms and ran to me, and he hugged my legs so tight, like he would never let go, and I picked him up and smothered him with sweet kisses!

He’s the bestest boyfriend I have ever had!! (Same rules apply – Must be FUN, say anything, no drama, no judgment, etc.)

We even have a song! Whenever I hear “I Choose You” by Sara Bareilles, I think of him…more so for the beat than for the lyrics.

Anyway, when I saw what my client was pointing to in the corner of the room, I gasped. My hands flew to my mouth and I giggled with sheer delight – “OH MY GOSH!!!” I exclaimed. “Happiest Little Boy would love that so much!! THANK YOU!!!”

It stood about 3 feet tall, at least. I picked it up and squeezed it. It was so soft and squishy, and it made my heart so happy and filled my soul with such joy – I could not wait until HLB saw it.

I dreamed about what he would do first and all the great games he would play –

He has an active imagination that doesn’t stop or even slow down. When we are in the “upstairs” area of the fort, he makes me pizza and hamburgers, and every bolt becomes a knob to turn or a button to push.

I kept his gift in the back seat of my car for a couple of days until I had to go downtown (cream filling story #2!) – and then decided I’d better take it into my apartment –

I thought, “Someone might want to steal it because it’s so awesome!”

I just hugged it and squeezed it as I carried it upstairs. 

“This is the greatest thing, ever!”

When my daughters came home, I showed it to them. They each hugged it and squeezed and had the same feeling I had – “This is amazing! Maybe we should keep it.”

On Sunday, Youngest and I arrived at HLB’s house. Youngest was going to do some chores and entertain HLB while we so-called adults pretended to be adults (work-type stuff, not adult play-type stuff). 

We knocked on the door and heard the locks rattling. Clearly HLB was opening the door himself, doing his best to reach the deadbolt. 

He threw the door open and saw what was in my arms – He grabbed it and ran to the living room, where he proceeded to wrestle with the giant dog and smother it with kisses. 

“That is awesome!!” said his dad. “Where did you get that?”

I told him the story of how this biggest softest awesomest giant stuffed Saint Bernard joined our lives, which looked very similar to this picture below, only bigger and with a big red ribbon bow-tie collar.

stuffed_saint_bernard

As I finished the story, HLB came running up to me: “Mindy, Mindy, come see Blue.”

Awwwww….he named it already!!!!

He grabbed my hand and took me to where Blue was sitting. He said, “Sit on Blue’s lap.” 

As I went to sit down, he said, “Wait – Blue is pooping.” 

I laughed out loud!

Kids in potty training really think of nothing else.

Then he said, “Ok, he’s done….See?” He moved Blue toward the wall where the television cable was (the cable, no TV), so he could give Blue a pretend shower with the pretend hose.

And there I saw where Blue had been “pooping” – a quarter! 

I died of happiness! 

What a perfect pet – It is soft and squishy without shedding; it doesn’t bark or bite; and it poops money!!! 

oopooh

We played tackle with Blue and took Blue into the fort, and wrestled and snuggled until we were all worn out, and Blue needed a nap (um…and the rest of us!)

And that is the sweet, sweet cream filling story #1 that makes my life the tastiest – The story of Happiest Little Boy and His Dog Named Blue – 

Best Anti-VD “Love Yourself” Day AND The Week Of Disease

It’s like two oxymorons rolled into one –

First – I miss my blog sooooo much! I’ve been so busy making a living that journaling my life has been riding in the back seat rather than shotgun.

I am going to work backwards today, which is not too unusual. I do a lot of things backwards.

The Week Of Disease

Today is my final sick day – My final day of being home-bound with what may be the flu, if I can just self-diagnose. The dizziness remains, which I would be more concerned about except Middlest has the disease too and she is also dizzy.

In my week of sickness, Captain Amazing did play Trivia Crack with me – He has yet to beat me 🙂 It has been a battle of wits, and he has come unarmed. Ha ha ha!!

I believe my kids have accepted his role in my life, even though he and I haven’t yet defined terms as other than just “something awesome that we don’t see ending, yet we are not tied down or labeled but reserve the right to tie each other up.”

It’s a long title but we have a lot of ground to cover.

Anyway, I told Youngest this morning that I was enjoying my sick day with her company today, although I was really grateful that I spent the other days alone. I said to her, “I am actually glad I’m single because I didn’t have to take care of anybody else but myself.”

“So you consider yourself single?” she asked.

I said, “Yeah. I am not married, and I live alone except when you’re with me.”

She said, “Yes, but there’s this other little annoying bug called [Captain Amazing] – Explain that.”

I paused and wondered why am I still receiving snarky relationship advice from my youngest daughter.

“Can I blog what you said?” I asked her.

She said, “Of course. I’ll text him for you too.”

**Sigh** Smarty-pants teens.

She really likes him, which warms my heart, and further, she respects him, just as I do. She told me yesterday that she has to do some readathon event at school and that she wanted to ask him what book she should read.

“Is that ok?” she asked me.

“Of course. You can text him and ask him,” I said.

She did…and then she said to me, “Mom, your boyfriend is being a tool.”

“He’s not my boyfriend – Stop calling him that!!” I said (please note that I was offended by the use of “boyfriend” and not by the use of “tool.” – She knows this; therefore, she continues to call him “boyfriend” just to see how I cringe at that word.) “Why? What did he say?”

She said, “Well, I asked him what books I should read, and he said, ‘Dr. Seuss.'”

She and I cracked up!!

Going back a couple of days then, I started not feeling well a week ago, dizziness and just weirdness, which I understand may not be new symptoms for me. However, Captain Amazing looked at me across the table at dinner and asked, “Are you feeling ok? You don’t look well.” 

I said, “I think I’m just hungry.” Famous last words …

The next day, Sunday, my head started feeling dizzier and weirder. Youngest and I had gone over to his house to hang out, help with some chores (avoiding our own, of course), but every time I bent over to pull a weed, I felt like I was going to fall.

He had gone to run an errand, so I mainly just wanted him to drive up while I was bent over pulling weeds. Perhaps the view would hit him where it counts, you know? I like it when he squirms in his jeans and we have covert conversations in mixed company. 

I just like to create an enjoyable environment – keeping it real.  The next day was to be our “date night” and I always make sure, within my area of control, that “date night” exceeds expectations 😉

However, after lunch, which I did not partake in because I was not hungry, Youngest and I decided we need to go. I felt like I needed to lie down, and she had homework.

After a short nap, it was evident by the gushing nose, extreme dizziness, and body aches that I was not “hungry” or “tired,” – I had caught some kind of germ bug. I immediately texted the next day’s clients to inform them, and they all canceled.

During my bed rest the next day, Monday, I knew I wasn’t going to make it anywhere, so I asked him to call me. We talked and I explained the situation, stating of course, that he could bend me over so as not to be exposed to my germs. In the end, we decided I should stay home…where I have remained for 6 days.

BEST Anti-VD “Love Yourself” Day

I have a new doctor friend checking on me – ordering me around – Dr. Z. He’s excited to be a character in the blog…Let’s all give him a warm welcome – Hi Dr. Z!!!

He and I met in the fall or last summer, can’t remember, but I’m sure I blogged about a shooting date. Anyway, it wasn’t until Anti-VD Day that we actually had quality conversation.

The story of this little adventure began the Tuesday prior to February 14th, when Captain Amazing and I were quickly finishing coffee and gather up our work things so we could depart in a timely manner.

I asked him, “So what do you have planned this weekend?”

He said, “Hmm, I think I have a dinner Friday night, maybe something Sunday night, which is not set in stone. I don’t have kids. Why?”

I said, “I don’t have kids either, and I don’t have in-person clients. I just have a few writing deadlines, and I would like to do something.”

He pulled out his handy-dandy cell phone with calendar and looked up his weekend agenda…he scrolled and found Friday…then he saw it…

“Oh!” he said with disgust. “Saturday is Valentine’s Day.”

“Yeah,” I said, equally morosely, “but that’s purely coincidence. I don’t celebrate that holiday.”

He said, “Neither do I. You do realize that we have to break up on Friday, right?”

I cracked up! “Well we could just get the toys out and take care of ourselves next to each other and dirty text from opposite sides of the room!”

He burst out laughing and high-fived me; he said he was going to share that with the guys at work.

I wish you could hear his laugh because it’s awesome!

I said, “Well, see what you can come up with and we’ll chat later.” …and then our usual “have a great day” stuff…

…Friday the 13th came around and I received a grand text: “You up for shooting Saturday at 3 with Dr. Z and me?”

My reply: YES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

His reply: Cool.

I was told to bring my happy self 🙂

My Friday the 13th was quite adventurous and long – and by the time I got home around 5:30ish, I ate, put The LEGO Movie on, and fell asleep.

Saturday the 14th, I woke up around 3:30 am to begin the monster writing project that I needed to complete. It was a lot of tedious copying and pasting links for marketing emails, so I decided to have movies on –

I positioned my Ipad next to me, fired up Netflix, and settled in on Notting Hill to launch my Anti-VD Love Myself Day marathon – Just so I have something chickish to say that I watched because I know the girls out there just think I’m too weird. Spike is my favorite character, hands down. Classic.

I followed that selection up with Terminator 2, the movie that inspired me to have great arms. Linda Hamilton demonstrated that a woman could be a badass, kick ass, and not look like a bodybuilder.

Linda-Hamilton-workout-T2

…and then I started Mission Impossible 2 – Just because…

I finished my project by 2pm, showered, selected a pink tank top and my jeans, and went to meet the guys.

When I arrived at the shooting range, I was not greeted by just 2 men – but 3!!!!

Ahhh, what other woman can boast such an encounter on Valentine’s Day???

My shooting was looking sharp, especially toward the end the session, when Captain Amazing instructed me to fire the 3 remaining clips, while he walked his brother out, and if he was not back, Dr. Z would walk me out.

I unleashed my determination and bullets all in the center of that target. I was so happy and proud, and I had to show him my target. I even received a compliment in the lobby! “Nice shooting!” said the super hot stranger.

“Thank you! – I know, right?” I replied.

We walked out to the cars, where Dr. Z said, “She can come.” 

Captain Amazing looked at me – probably with a bit of debate in his head – and he said, “I’m going to Dr. Z’s to watch the UFC fight. Want to come?” 

“YES!!!!!!!!” I said.

They both looked at me kind of funny. I’m too old to even care if I’m inviting myself along to something I want to go to, even if it is a guys’ night out.

“You like that?” they both asked.

“Yes, surprising right?” I said. “I was surprised too, but yes I do, and I know Ben Henderson.” 

So the stage was set for the ultimate “guys-night-out plus me.” My life rocks!!

We had to make one stop before we hit Dr. Z’s house –

I met Captain Amazing at his house so we could drive to Dr. Z’s together. He grabbed his things to put them away and as we were walking in the house, he handed me an envelope….with my name on it….

???????????????

“Is this from you?” I asked him in disbelief.

“Yeah,” he replied.

“Holy shit!!!!”  I exclaimed.

The gesture was so unexpected that I was utterly unprepared. I didn’t know quite what to do. I put the envelope, which clearly contained a card, into my purse. I decided to let it sit. Since I wasn’t expecting it, I wanted to have a little anticipation…a little buildup for the big moment when I would open the envelope’s contents and see what he had been thinking about …Intrigue….

The thing is – I was happy with just the envelope 🙂 – Don’t tell him I said that!

In the car, driving to our first stop, he asked me a quasi-serious question – “What are your relationship goals?”

WTF?????!!!!!! Really? A card on Valentine’s Day and now this??? Shitty shit.

“Um, let me think…This is it,” I said. “I really don’t have any. I know that sounds kind of under-achieving but I don’t believe in goals when it comes to this stuff. I want to ride things out and see where they go.”

“Yeah, I know,” he said, “and I’m not asking for me.”

????????

“My position has not changed,” he said.

“I know,” I said. “I’m just really happy that it’s lasted more than a year and I’m happy that I’m happy…and I really like you.”

“Me too,” he said. “I really like you too. I’m just not ready to be tied down.”

“I know,” I said.

…and then we arrived at our first stop…did our quick errand…and then off to Dr. Z’s house.

We arrived at his beautiful house, accompanied by Jack Daniel’s, and the three of us immediately began a great evening of dining and conversation. I was nonstop chatter –

…and inside my head, I noted that I was spending my Valentine’s Day with two handsome and successful men. My life rocks!!

The food was great! The fights were great! It was such a great time. I did let my lack of filters go crazy – Dr. Z noted how overpaid the ring girls are.

“I don’t know,” I said. “Think about how hard she had to work…”

He said, “Ok??”

I said, “She had to give a lot of blow jobs to get that position!”

The guys howled with laughter – Apparently that was quite unexpected. Dr. Z said he was expecting something really profound. 🙂  Could have been, depending on how you look at it.

The fights were finished (Ben won!!), and it was time to go home. I had been awake for 20 hours (high-five me!), so I was a little dozy.

…and fell asleep before my head hit the pillow…and I slept in!!! …. until 8:45!!!! That’s unheard of! I was so proud of myself!

“Do you want coffee?” I asked Captain Amazing, as I said good morning.

He said, “How about 20 more minutes in bed, and I’ll take you out for breakfast.”

DEAL!

And then I remembered – THE CARD.

I waited for about 15 minutes, and then I got up and went to my purse. I carefully opened the envelope.

vdcard

I pulled out the card and looked at the front, and I started laughing so hard!

vdcard2

And the inside read:  “Thinking of you at this sad time and wishing you comfort.” …”Happy Valentine’s Day”

I was dying! THE BEST CARD EVER!!!

I went back to the bed and thanked him for the card. He died laughing too. “I totally forgot! I have to tell you the story of when I bought it.”

“Ok,” I said, and settled in for the story.

“I was at the store and finally decided on this one, and when I was checking out, the cashier said, ‘I’m sorry,’ and I said, ‘Oh, it’s a Valentine for a girl I’m seeing.’ She said, ‘Oh, I see’ and gave me a funny look, and then I said, ‘I had to break up with 3 other girls so I only had to buy 1 card.'”

We both howled!!!! I was laughing so hard!!!! THE BEST! I’ve told that story at least 20 times, and it never gets old, although I’m not sure everyone appreciates it just as much as I do.

We settled from the fit from laughter – and then played hard – and settled in from that too 🙂

I said, “I won’t tie you down.”

He looked at me.

“But I might want to tie you up occasionally,” I added.

“DEAL!!” he said.

Since it’s the last day of the month and a Saturday – More fitting words were never spoken than whisky distiller Jack Daniel’s last words, which were “One last drink, please.”

So here’s to new friendships (Dr. Z – Welcome to the Blog), outstanding lifetime ones (whatever we choose to call it), Tools and Quick-Hardening Caulk, and a toast to all my guy friends for making February the best month of the year.

 

And a huge hug and thanks to my beloved clients and well-wishers!! I was single and alone during my sickness but not lonely. I feel so incredibly blessed! xoxo

Living Bigger

The original working title for this post was “Dreaming Bigger” –

But dreaming is not big enough anymore – The dreams are here right now, so LIVING BIGGER is where it’s at!

I have launched HUGE changes in my life –

These huge changes have meant tight schedules, deadlines, working more, socializing less (not at all), no vacations, and no breaks.

Where is the fun and the chill????

Fun and chill were locked away in the Holiday Gloom 😦

As a result, I put myself quite low I on my own priority list.

It’s time for a little chat with myself: “Self, please take your own advice and put yourself first.”

~~

During the weekend, Captain Amazing so BRAVELY provided me with as much support as I would allow him to provide after my son moved away from home – and various other things – a huge volume of minutia.

Captain Amazing said, “It sounds like things aren’t going so well.”

Actually, things are going very well…but with any EPIC adventure, there are rough patches. I just hit a rough patch.

I tried to logically explain these feelings to him…of feeling out of control, of wanting to run away…

I’ll talk about anything. Anyone who knows me knows this fact. However, I’m able to separate myself enough that I’m not really attached – I’m not intimate with the conversation, and my own personal feelings don’t really come up.

It’s so easy to say it to a crowd, but it’s so hard, my love, to say it to you out loud – Florence & The Machine from No Light, No Light

He bravely asked if I was comfortable with him –

Holy shit, what kind of question is THAT???

Of course, I have been thinking about such things, especially during the abysmal holidays, when my role in other people’s lives becomes quite obvious –

It’s a minor bit-part; I’m actually not in the scene during those times because I’m unattached.

Thankfully, I’m not as low as an understudy (so that’s good – I get to play myself in the show).

I’m unskilled at telling a man how important he is to me without the implication or pressure that I need or expect more than what we have, and at the same time, ensuring him that I’m not going anywhere –

…to provide the freedom AND stability with both need and want – We are inventing something new, and it’s scary sometimes.

I’m riding this adventure out, like I did on my great Hawaii adventure in 2013, without an agenda and without expectations.

As I’m doing that, however, I’m keenly aware of new feelings – Like I miss him sometimes (don’t tell him I said that).

I loathe that feeling so much. It makes me feel powerless and wreaks havoc with my confidence.

“Missing people” has not happened much in my life. I just don’t “miss.” I can count on 1 hand the number of people I have missed in my life (grouping my kids as a unit) –

When I miss my friend Tisha, it’s different – because she died. Neither of us can control that…I just become sad, without wondering about subtext or context.

And there is another feeling that comes up for me with CA – “nurturing” – Don’t know why…but there it is.

We have a great time together – I look forward to his company AND to our sexual adventures – and I’m still very happy and satisfied to take the whole friendship/datingship as it comes –

We have an affinity for each other that I don’t see going away in this lifetime, and I believe it has spanned many lifetimes before.

Nonetheless, some of the shit coming up for me right now is related to the timing of where I am currently with him and “feelings” – and the fact that it’s January, when 2 years ago I was entertaining another man – who is, incidentally, my business partner currently.

Oh, the tangled web I weave!

So these giant leaps of faith I’m taking (personally and professionally) require me to hold hands with my two favorite men – the two men who have been the greatest influences, the most amazing heroes of my life…

– and who have both left me at one point … by myself, unexpectedly abandoned.

While I’m not afraid of being alone or of mending a broken heart – I am terrified of the abrupt nature of how both those events went down – just like the end of my marriage – I didn’t see it coming.

That’s the part that scares me the most – feeling so stupidly unaware – and that I may not have been as connected as I thought I was.

That’s the feeling I have to meditate and breathe through…because I also don’t want to worry about such things. That is not living in the moment, nor is it LIVING BIGGER.

It’s too small for me – that’s putting myself in a cage –

So I have to believe in the intangible and stay the course – and take leaps of faith –

It’s like jumping with a parachute that has no strings – and then depending on these fine men to keep me attached to that parachute…

I can make that analogy and take that jump because they both came back…happily so…on their own terms…

…and they have made my life so much better.

I know that I’m very lucky indeed. I am very grateful – Namaste to my heroes.

~~

On Tuesday, the sun came out (YAY), and I had the opportunity to walk commute:
A 9-mile round trip – and it was delightful.

I walked in the sun, no sleeves, listening to some Disney princess songs, of course singing out loud because I can.

However, when I left the studio at 7:30pm, it was dark. The last time I can remember walking a significant mileage in the dark, other than my shorter walks to Starbucks at 5am, was Hawaii 2 years ago.

hawaii

As I began my journey home from work, I pulled up the music I listened to from that trip to Hawaii – A lot of Florence and the Machine – and I was whisked back to that great adventure!

The memories hit me like a tidal wave – Like my first steps in the ocean at 4:30am under a nearly full moon while listening to Cosmic Love  – It was amazing!

That whole solo adventure was freedom at its finest!

It was diving into the unknown, living unplanned, without a schedule, without an agenda (other than to have an EPIC adventure), without anybody expecting or demanding anything from me – except for ME.

…and my demands were simple – BE, BREATHE, EXPERIENCE.

It was truly the greatest adventure I’ve ever given myself.

The memories were so powerful and so ingrained in my soul, it felt like I was there again. I could actually smell Hawaii on Scottsdale Road.

During my walk home from work that night, listening to Florence and experiencing the feeling that I was back in Hawaii – I decided to spend the month of January 2015 pretending like I’m on a great adventure in a vast unknown land.

Wednesday: One of my beloved clients called in sick – so I had 2.5 hours unexpectedly available in the middle of my day…

…Hmmm…what should I do with that chunk of time??

As I pondered this great opportunity, I put my headphones on and fired up Spotify. They recommended a new playlist, and so I listened to that on my walk to Whole Foods to purchase my cleansing/detox food/juice for the day.

“Don’t Stop Believin” by Journey was on the list – Great song – (Youngest and I had just been talking about this song a few days ago) –

“Just a small town girl, living in a lonely world.
She took the midnight train going anywhere..”

That’s how I feel when I get overwhelmed, so bogged down by the enormity of the volume of minutia that I just want to run away, go anywhere, to just feel free…so I can breathe…so the weight isn’t so heavy.

By letting go of control like that – feeling truly free – I actually feel more in control of my life and my decisions.

So I asked myself what I needed…sunshine??…outdoors??…

…and then I craved a mountain…

I packed my bags for the day and went to work – saw my first client, and then headed to the mountain.

gateway1

I think it hit 80 degrees – My favorite temperature – and I ran and walked, passing others on the hike.

…and I felt free…

gateway2

 

~

On January 13th, I am speaking at Grand Canyon University.

It is the students’ final class, and they are putting together a strategic plan, figuring out what they want to do, what their passion is – mission, vision and values.

The professor invited me to do this so I can spark their imagination.

My public speaking consists of teaching exercise and musical theater, so the students may end up doing push-ups and singing “Agony.”

The professor used my Lego Gandalf picture and my jackhammer picture, along with the biography on my blog to introduce me to his students.

This may seem like such a small step – but it’s a giant leap – To declare my CREATIVE SELF to the Universe – and inspire other people to do the same – YIKES!

I’m not nervous about the speaking engagement – It’s the leap itself.

It’s daunting and overwhelming. I’m diving into the unknown again, but not on a “vacation” – in REAL LIFE, both professionally and personally…

These leaps of faith are the biggest AND scariest I’ve ever taken…

…on the other hand –

Say Geronimo!

 

New Year 2015

Happy New Year!

At least, I’m imagining happiness – since 2014 ended the same way it began – without a party, a kiss, a celebration or sex – Pathetic.

However, all is not lost – and while I have no sex planned in the immediate future – until a week from Monday that I know of for sure (again pathetic) – I have lots of work planned.

Why does that make everything ok? 

It doesn’t, unless there is money attached to it…

…so I’m rechanneling my optimism.

be more awesome

 

I present the highlights of the very end of 2014 and the brighter-lights of what’s to come in 2015.

Here’s to being prepared for anything…or at least being prepared to be prepared for anything.

On the day before the last day of 2014, I had an unusual day that resulted in seeing 2 clients I hadn’t planned for and a KILLER leg workout designed and expertly coached by Ms. Sherrie after a 4.5-mile walk to work with 20 pounds on my back.

Tim Ferriss emailed me also – FINALLY – telling me that he’s hiring a managing editor and would I fit the qualifications – If so, please apply….so I did.

I did that for 3 reasons:

(1) Because I am qualified and I can.
(2) If I get it, great! What an awesome opportunity to dive into the deep end of a larger audience and fancy nerdy internet gadgets and to work with someone I admire.
(3) If I don’t get it, I still did something that most people won’t step outside of their comfort zone to even attempt – put myself out there.

He asked me if I could handle tight deadlines and sticky situations – and if so, how?…

That’s like asking me if I breathe and if so, how.

My life is a multitude of tight deadlines, managing hundreds of clients, my kids’ schedule, writing deadlines, technical glitches, etc.

How do I do it?

I breathe and I get shit done…There is no other option.

It’s difficult to create a hypothetical situation from nothing…although I have just completed that task – Over 7 pages of a “new member” discovering the business that Mr. KC and I are creating.

However, Tim requested that it be under 300 words.

I remember once, a long time ago, Captain Amazing asked how I would react if I walked in and saw another woman there.

There are too many details and variables omitted from that scene to even speculate: Who is the woman? What is she doing? And what are you doing? etc., etc.

I responded with a pause and then said, “That really depends. First, I would never come over without being invited, nor would I enter your house without your knowledge, so the fact that you would be expecting me – and it sounds like that situation would be a surprise to me – I would probably feel disrespected – or I might want to join…I just don’t know…again it would depend on my mood and what I saw …and why I was coming over in the first place…”

He listened…

I added…“But I don’t contemplate such things because that’s not living in the present moment – And it causes me to live in fear and anxiety about something that may or may not ever happen, and I won’t do that to myself…”

“so I’m not going to worry about that happening unless or until that happens.”

He said, “Fair enough.”

So for Tim, I kept my answer about the same – I’ll handle it – with grace and charm – without panic or stress but with enough priority placed on the task at hand, that whatever is happening will be resolved – PERIOD.

Again, how do I breathe? I just do.

There is always a Plan A and a Plan B – I do think about things without judging the situation, but really I take care of the problem, learn from it, and move on.

~

When I arrived home from work, I put my pajamas on, ate a bowl of oatmeal, and fell asleep on the floor with my kids…I think it was 8pm…and my legs were already sore.

~~

On the last day of 2014, I had the great pleasure of walking 9 miles with very sore quads, in 40-degree rainy weather. My hands froze because I was holding the umbrella…

It was my commute to work and back – to see 3 of my favorite clients – I have a lot of favorite clients, with even more to come…

I wore my knit beanie cap all day because it was just THAT cold.

After I walked home, I drove Middlest to her New Year’s Eve party, returned home again, put my pajamas on, and cranked the heat.

I prepared a hot apple cider spiked with Fireball – delicious – and …ZZZZZ… again, right around 8pm.

I set my alarm for 9, thinking that I just needed a nap.

Youngest came in at 8:45 and said I received a text from Captain Amazing. He was wishing me a Happy New Year – and was doing it early because he was going out and turning his phone off so he didn’t get a bunch of drunk texts…

…I texted him him back and went back to sleep. The alarm went off at 9. I turned it off and told Youngest to wake me up before midnight …

…she was knitting me a new beanie cap…

(Here are her efforts – Outstanding – She knitted the scarf too)

beanie hat

At 11:55, she woke me up, and we counted down the New Year … and back to bed I went…

Earlier that day on Twitter, I created an ideal New Year’s Eve agenda that involved many drinks and lots of sex …

Sadly, that didn’t happen…

Maybe next year …

By the way, in my lifetime, I have NEVER celebrated the New Year with a man I am involved with (except during marriage a small handful of times, but by midnight, we weren’t speaking to each other, so it really doesn’t count)

..and NEVER EVER with a kiss at midnight.

– I’m going to have to stop hoping for that to happen. I just don’t think it’s in the cards for me.

New-year-eve-kiss-e-card

~~

THE NEW YEAR CHANGES

I spent much of the Christmas holiday working – yes on deadlines and tedious schedules – …I created plot lines and developed characters…

…because I have an exit strategy launched…

I’m boldly going where I’ve only dreamed about going. And I’m not sure what it looks like exactly…but I know that it’s going to be great.

Resolutions? I don’t believe in those because I solve problems as they arise – and I strategically plan.

Hopes and dreams? Yep – lots – And their fruition has been strategically planned – with enough wiggle room and flexibility to go with the flow…be prepared for anything…or at least be prepared to be prepared for anything.

What are they?

1. Books published – along with the creation of the persona that defines the main character and the word she lives in. I don’t half ass things, and when I pull off the plan that is inside my head and written in my notebook, it will be unlike anything that I’ve ever known to have been done before – EPIC!

I don’t know how other authors feel about their books as they are writing them – but this is how good I believe my stories to be –

I’m so excited to finish writing my books …
so I can read them. 

I think that really says something about what I’m creating.

2. Launch my EPIC business with Mr. KC – It’s really launched already. We’ve been working very hard on it, and today we are working on design elements, budgets, presentations.

3. Schedule more speaking engagements. I have one scheduled, January 13th at Grand Canyon University.

4. …cliffhanger… 🙂 

Happy New Year!

hny

 

 

The Audience of 1000

The cherry on top of the day after the last day of the second shittiest week of 2014 was a Brazilian wax –

That’s how I celebrated that my personal hell was over – With a woman with blue bangs whom I’d never met before plucking every strand of hair from my body parts – 

I also FINALLY PLAYED – and removed the “under” from “underfunned” by hanging out with all my favorite boys and my two best girls.

The first shittiest week of 2014 occurred last January in Hawaii – which was tainted with such enormous negativity that I wanted to hurl myself into the ocean with the hope that it would swallow me whole…

…and then spit me out, so I could come back as a mermaid. #splash

This last week, the shittiness was all on me and my body, the perfect storm of emotional triggers, demonic possession, and 1000 pain receptors going haywire all at once, and all surrounding a holiday and birthdays…

Basically, this period felt like Quentin Tarantino directed it

#tmi #fml

I always forget how much I dislike those…periods, holidays and birthdays…This year, it was a trifecta.

…every year, however, holidays and birthdays trick me – They say, “This is your year – THE year that you’ll discover why people love holidays and birthdays so much.”

NOT!

Nothing says bah-humbug quite like a nomadic single – and nothing feels quite as tribeless as a girl with a new tribe who all have other families. Big fat bummer.

I also made a couple of catastrophic mistakes.

I’m not sure why I continue to fuck up so royally. It would be really helpful if I stopped.

Here’s a secret: When the red devil is possessing my body, I do have satanic dreams…

aether possession

Dreams nightmares about what it would be like to have a “traditional” life where I “fit in” – have a “traditional” mom/daughter relationship with my girls, get a REAL job (whatever THAT means), and have a “boyfriend” –

…and that maybe I should be doing THAT with my life instead of remaining somewhat tribeless and bucking the system….

…while I lead this revolution against the suburban zombie apocalypse like I’m Joan Of Arc or Katniss Everdeen.

When did I volunteer as Tribute? Who signed me up to be the Mocking Jay?

But I wouldn’t even know what to do with that if I had that – What if I had a “traditional” life with a traditional “boyfriend”  – with all the labels that accompany that: leashes, dog tags, obligations…

Do I just kiss him and then leave him alone in the corner?
How often does it eat???

The week began like this: I was leaving my final client’s appointment after 11 hours of work at that point which was 6 p.m. – and I could feel exhaustion and desperation setting in –

Earlier in the day, I had noted that I was overworked and underfunned –

That is not the best space for me to be invading.

…and I could hear the ocean taunting me. Keep in mind, I live in Arizona.

I was thinking, “I need a vacation – I need a break before I break.”

…so I entered the week with a frame of mind, body, and spirit of uncontrollable burnout.

Second, Captain Amazing and I had been brainstorming about a project I’m pretty excited about. It could be enormously profitable and fun – and I want stacks of cash in my bank account – and funness.

He was describing a position – and how being in that position would maximize certain pleasure centers, and he would then demonstrate how eye contact could be made, creating and keeping “connection.”

I realized, silently in my head, “Hmmm…I don’t do that…”

…and then I got a little bit sad. I’ve only opened my eyes and made that connection with one person.

*Note, that one connection was not with the man I was married to –  probably one of the 1000 reasons I’m not. 

I have had sporadic attempts to open my eyes in the last few months … usually while he explores my juicy little peach

…all while telling myself this lie – that I keep my eyes closed so that I can feel more…

The truth is, I feel less – 

“That is the point,” said the commitmentphobe in the front row.

So after his comment, I had a little chat with myself and said, “Self – put your big girl panties on and open your fucking eyes. Keep them open.”

Of course, I think I’m invincible and that I can handle it. #wonderwoman

I thought, “I could dive in, just a bit.”

I was so wrong. I did complete the task successfully – in action – I kept my eyes open the whole time, but the results were less than favorable.

I was shaking, crying, nauseous, and my chest hurt.

The entire next day, I was overcome with waves of indescribable feelings, sheer panic, shortness of breath, uncontrollable shaking, nausea, and debilitating pain – with a red hot ball of lead just under my belly button…

…and my uterus cried – not just gentle tears, but convulsive sobs.

Thank you, Quentin Tarantino..

I don’t know how “girls” do this – all this feelings crap – I really don’t.

So I was in bed by 8 p.m. on my birthday (Wednesday) because of the pain and feeling like a bewildered nothing

 Reminder: If I know what I bring to the table, it’s okay to eat alone.

Sure I now have an audience of over 1000 on Twitter and on Facebook; I got about 200 birthday notes on Facebook and about 20 texts wishing me a happy birthday…but I was missing the only one that really I wanted.

The first phone call I received was by a gorgeous man who left an an awesome message, took me out for lunch, called me later, emailed me, and texted me.

I still felt like a nothing?why?

…a nothing with a whole lotta pain and mystifying disappointment…and then a bit anger??

I was truly pisstified.

pisstified

After I had gone to bed at 8, Youngest came in to gently awaken me and tell me that I had received a text – and that ironically it had nothing to do with my birthday.

I very groggily said, “Set the phone down.”

And then another text came in. She said, “Oh here’s another birthday text.”

I went back to sleep…until Youngest and Middlest were goofing around, and I heard a crash and a blood-curdling scream.

I jumped out of bed and went to the girls faster than Superman…I don’t know how I did it – I had probably been bitten by a bit Kryptonite.

I lifted the drawers that had fallen, moved Youngest to the bed while Middlest got ice…I put the ice on her back – Youngest was fine.

However, I was doubled over in severe pain and thought I was going to pass out or vomit or both.

I made a mad dash to the bathroom with the speed of a 90-year-old crippled sloth, and realized that I had injured my knee in the giant leap from my bed to the other room.

SHIT!

I hobbled back to bed, texted a reply, and we all tucked in for the night.

Then the girls and I began the teenage delirious overtired giggle-fest…and I remembered that the night before, Youngest had punched me in the boob while we were sleeping.

I told her this – I said, “It didn’t feel like an elbow as you were rolling over – It felt like you sat up and punched me with your fist. IT HURT SO BAD.”

She replied, “Like this?” and sat up on her knees, both fists above her head and yelled, “FOR NARNIA,” and then motioned as if she was stabbing me in the chest.

We died laughing.

It’s a thing now.

The good news is, I didn’t get a mix CD for my birthday this year that crushes my soul every time I hear it.

Bad news, I didn’t get an orgasm either….the one thing I actually wanted for my birthday –

I hope there is a raincheck floating around out there!

Stupid body – Stupid everything else!

I hate doors!!

So the next day was Thanksgiving…and I had trouble making a gratitude list. The pain was so bad and I was holding back tears.

I received a “Happy Thanksgiving” text, to which I replied, “Bah humbug. I should have had you get me drugs in Mexico. FML.”

“What’s FML?” he asked.

“Fuck my life,” I replied.

He texted back, “??? You ok?”

I spent 30 minutes typing a response, deleting it, retyping it, and deleting it, until finally I said, “Apparently not, since it took about 30 minutes to come up with a reply. Is it too early to drink? Can I borrow a cigarette?”

He called me and we talked a bit. I felt sick.

Middlest and I decided to go to the gym anyway. I just loaded myself up on pain meds so that I could push myself through this hell.

I had been taking 4 Advil per dose plus “the other stuff” so I could numb myself enough to rejoin the ranks of unicorn status so I could run again…

…run like a vampire from 1000 burning suns…

I liked the “other stuff.” I was afraid it would make me queasy or hallucinate, but it didn’t make me sick until it wore off –

…and then the pain became more than I could bear – and the hallucinations kicked in, and I thought I could successfully sext anyone on Twitter.

And then the pain and anger transformed into white hot RAGE.

anger

So I decided to rage quit. #ragequit

I had a white hot rage workout Saturday in which I beat the shit out of the basketball court with a 12-pound medicine ball –

I swear officer, I only emptied the clip in the interest of thoroughness.

I also FINALLY felt like I needed to talk to someone – but who?

I needed honest objectivity, and no woman was really going to give me that. They were going to side with the irrational hormones that were running amok, and I didn’t want to hear that.

…nor did I want to be subjected to 1000 rounds of male bashing…when I knew the answer was all within me.

Women do not understand the non-emotional workings of logic, and THAT makes me crazy. I cannot rely upon the vast majority of women to be my “go-to” anyones for any kind of advice on any subject matter at all.

…talk about feeling like a tribeless nothing…

I still needed to talk. I hadn’t spoken about the true source of my pain, except for how I hurt my knee.

…so I turned toward my teens – who are, in fact, my most objective and honest “peers” and understand how my mind works.

Middlest said, “Mom, you’re acting like a teenage girl, PLUS you have raging hormones.”

I said, “I know – and I’m not a girl!”

She said, “I know you’re not, so stop it.”

SLAP * SLAP * SLAP * SLAP * SLAP * SLAP

She gave my emptiness a name.

Closeness shouldn’t lead to disappointment, overwhelm, and excruciating pain that requires prescription pain medication – It was the demon hormones.

Sunday arrived- FINALLY – The red devil had finally been exorcised through my excessive exercising – my Brazilian was on the books, along with another lunch meeting –

…and I received an unexpected delight – a good morning with an invitation to breakfast.

Huh?

Awesome! Life was back to normal.

Breakfast was fun – except I didn’t have much of an appetite – The highlight was the “sausage incident,” which scarred my girls-

I’ve never laughed quite so hard having a sausage forcefully shoved into my mouth like that – repeatedly…

…then again, boys will be boys…

I used that situation as a teaching opportunity for Middlest – I told her they all do that. She said, “Mommy NO.”

I said, “Who else is going to be straight up and honest about what to expect?”

She said, “Good point.”

On the way to school to school today, we talked philosophically about hugging messy kids with food and dirt all over their faces.

I explained that it’s better to learn to be messy when you’re a kid – because you have to learn it at some point in your life – It might as well be when someone can help you clean up.

It’s like learning to fall down, like falling from a bike…you have to learn it and you will – It’s better learn when you’re small – It doesn’t hurt as much, and it’s easier to get up.

Then they said together, “Mom, we need to have an intervention.”

“Why,” I asked.

Middlest said, “Because you have feelings.

I said, “No I don’t.”

Youngest said, “We’ve been meaning to talk to you. You were mushy yesterday.”

I said, rather defensively, “I was NOT. I didn’t do anything remotely mushy.”

Then they made fun of me saying how cute HLB (Happiest Little Boy) is.

I said, “Well he is!”

Now I really have to rage quit!!

Radical Views Of Relationships

Aka – The Philosophical Evolution of Relationshits to Awesomeships.

I was having lunch with Mr. KC the other day.

So it was a business lunch, but he also asked me, or I may have offered up, my opinion on relationships, which in essence hasn’t changed much since he and I entertained each other. I’m just able to express it more clearly – articulate it effectively – with confidence.

Mr. KC asked: What is the difference between this and any other thing I’ve been in before? How is it that I can be fully self-expressed?

My philosophy takes up more than one post, and I have discussed this before, but I’ll do my best to summarize…

…because Captain Amazing and I have created something awesome, at least I think so. It definitely works for me.

I would love to see a radical change in how and why people enter into these things – I’ve assisted with online dating profiles and set friends up – but there has been something fundamentally missing.

I can lay out the principles and my opinions on relationships, but before undertaking anything, you have to have an intimate relationship with YOURSELF

Furthermore, you should have a mad, wildly passionate love affair with yourself, because you can’t really know what you want or how to ask for it if you don’t know who you are and what you truly love, what you are willing to experiment with, and how you communicate.

That all comes from a higher place – Not from a place of filling an empty hole with a warm body because society tells you that you should be striving for that.

Here is the brief checklist of the basic principles.

  • Friends first.
  • We want to be here.
  • Great sex, experimental, fun.
  • Safe environment to speak freely, no judgment.
  • Exit clause – if it is no longer fun, if it is boring, if there is drama or too much stress, we go back to the first principle (friends)* – Honor the exit as enlightened respectful adults.
  • No crazy, no drama.
  • No complacency, no obligation.

*Note this addendum: To pursue another, there must be life-enhancement – no backsliding.

What I want for me personally – Love, respect, and multiple orgasms – It’s really that simple.

I know who I am and what I want. I am not very interested in what other people think. But I’m asked the question a lot.

The secret to failure is to try to please everyone.

Please note, that I will only speak for myself – I won’t put words into Captain Amazing’s mouth or speak on his behalf.

But I can say that we have discussed all of the following, much of it before we entertained entertaining each other – and sealed it with a kiss, because as you know, if he sucked at kissing, he wasn’t going to be invited to my party.

My time is precious. How I spend my time and with whom I spend that time create the tapestry of my life.

My life is valuable. I want only the highest quality life…small doses of fineness are fine…But I will not settle for complacency.

Let me also say that even though it is not called a “relationship” – It is a very meaningful “thing” to me, and it enhances my life.

It’s not something I’m “in” because I’m bored or I have nothing better to do. I am emotionally, intellectually, and physically stimulated. (My physical stimulation pleases him greatly – so happy about that!!)

It is actually such an awesome “thing” that a word hasn’t yet been invented to describe it’s awesomeness. I’ve studied (well, briefly looked up) other languages to see if other people of the world have figured this out.

Curiously, the Latins (those who speak Latin) defined the terms the way I see them  –

The Latin word for love is amare and friend is amicus or amica – derivatives.

Relationship: affinitas…not so bad.

Marriage: matrimonium (even my kids say that sounds horrible – I know right??!!)

As I describe this “thing” – It has been understood by my audience to be meaningless, nonchalant, extremely casual, and “take-it-or-leave-it.”

Um…no it isn’t – at least not for me. I can honestly say that I am “all in,” whatever that means, whatever that looks like, without a timeline or an agenda.

The greatest hindrance to living is expectancy, which depends upon [tomorrow] and wastes today.

And if it were to end, I would be crushed – not gonna lie.

But I also don’t worry about that at all. That’s like missing somebody who is standing right in front me. I won’t waste my time fretting about something that may or may not happen.

So I’m “all in” regardless – because the alternative is not acceptable. I’m the best version of me because of this indescribable friendship – and I believe that he is worth it.

He is worth my time – I am also worth that time. One secret to success is the SELECTION – and expressing our unique capabilities (like my flexibility and stimulatability – I can make up words).

The “thing” is the byproduct of the time spent – and the quality of that time – on things that actually matter – not the quantity of time just to fill a void.

Another secret to success is selecting the proper boundaries and making adjustments. So the “thing” does not define us – we define it.

I don’t require proof that he exists in day-to-day life. Of course, I enjoy his company and I am very excited to get a note or a call from him, but I am not so insecure that I require him to say daily, “Hey look at me over here,” nor do I expect him to.

Therefore, we do not talk, text, or email every day – We have shit to do, careers, kids, and it’s ok. But when we do  – I appreciate that time and do not take it for granted.

I do not question the space – again I don’t fret over it – Do I expect or want him to put me above all other things in his life? HELL NO!! NEVER – that would be so horrible and dysfunctional. That’s addictive behavior.

I do send him funnies in his email though – mainly because he has a lot of stress and it makes me feel happy to do that – I like to make him laugh.

My intention is not attention. I would send him the funnies anonymously.

I’m not looking for or wanting co-dependency or a caretaker. I don’t need health insurance or a retirement plan to be provided to me by the man I’m spending my precious time with – I can provide those things for myself, thanks.

I respect his opinion and advice on these matters, however.

I don’t want to be somebody’s responsibility – and I don’t want to be responsible for a grown man.

Responsiveness – YES, but not responsibility for.

There is a huge difference – a fundamental shift in awareness – between the two. Even with raising kids, it should be that the responsibility for them as dependents is not permanent. As they grow, actions and behaviors become responsive to others rather than controlled by others.

Is it better to have someone forced to be in your life? Or is it better that he/she chooses to be in your life? 

So the way I see it, this is a higher-level of enlightened thinking and feeling – and it is more of an unconscious “dance.” While I don’t speak on his behalf, I obviously believe that his intentions are likewise…or it wouldn’t work.

Furthermore, it’s actually more powerful and more meaningful than the “run of the mill” relationshits being entertained and striven for these days, and certainly better than marriage, as evidenced by the cavalier manner that marriage or similar is entertained.

To me, marriage is meaningless and NOT the pinnacle of a successful friendship/datingship thing.

“Marriage” or similar is not truly living in the momentRather, it is existing in limbo, fearing that the other person may leave and preventing him/her from doing so, and actually preparing for their departure, while at the same time, shackling a label on the other person and essentially requiring that they do not live a life fulfilled outside of the union.

They form their purposes with a view to the distant future; yet postponement is the greatest waste of life; it deprives them of each day as it comes, it snatches from them the present by promising something hereafter.

I require and possess a trust and respect that most people need a piece of paper and a lawyer to enforce  –

If that future doesn’t come for them, they become disgruntled, take each other to court, feel their investment in that future was wasted – when really, if each moment together was spent in blissful harmony, there would be no reason to look beyond that moment –

There is nothing bigger or better than that present moment.

I know that this is a novel way of thinking because I’m having to explain it.

Can anything be sillier than the point of view of certain people—They keep themselves very busily engaged in order that they may be able to live better … they spend life [getting] ready to live.

,..and I’ve been accused of thinking very little of myself – as if I’m not worthy of marriage. On the contrary, I don’t think marriage is worthy of me.

 

 

quote material above from “On The Shortness of Life” by Lucius Seneca