Zombies In The Land Of Confusion

For the record, I have never watched “The Walking Dead.” I would probably like it if I gave it a fair chance. I tried to watch it yesterday, but I couldn’t get into it. I guess it was just too “real” and not enough escapism fantasy for me.

I did watch Warm Bodies – I enjoyed that very much. I have seen it at least 10 times.

warm-bodies

I’ve been absent from my beloved blog, and I apologize…more to myself really than to you. You probably just forgot about it ūüôā

I need it for mySELF, especially after having experienced what I have experienced this last year.¬†It was gruesome to watch… the slow insidious disease that ravaged this land.

I must’ve dreamed a thousand dreams
Been haunted by a million screams
But I can hear the marching feet
They’re moving into the street.

-Genesis

We thought we were safe from the apocalypse…that we were protected by the fortress we built and the measures we took to arm ourselves against the attack.

However, the Zombies marched in and launched full-scale war. They saw an opportunity…a weakness in our defense…a crack that they could penetrate, and without hesitation, they infiltrated the fortress of awesome.

It wasn’t really a fortress…more like a bubble…but it’s my story.

The attack came on two battlefields: Personal and Career. They knew how strong we were together…and if they could get both of us, the Apocalypse would be just THAT much closer to leaving no survivors in humanity…no one to rock the boat.

The Initial Infiltration

The day I felt “unsafe” for the first time in “Tales of The Extroverted Dominant Submissive Introvert” was the day of the initial attack.

And the Zombie fuckers took over his body – I didn’t know Zombies¬†did that. I expected to see the haunted eyes, the dead skin, the corpse-like lethargy…

But the Zombies do not look like corpses outwardly. They blend very well with the general population.

It’s more like Invasion of the Body Snatchers or Shape-Shifters from Fringe.

As you’ll recall (and if not, then please read Tales Of The Extroverted Dominant Submissive Introvert), my spidey sense was shifted into high alert. I sensed danger, recognized it, protected myself against it the best way I could, and I addressed it the only way a very confused girl could address it…with wit and a text.

After I texted him, informing him that I wanted to slap him, we had a chance to talk.

In that conversation, he said to me, “Have faith in us. Have faith in our friendship.”

I didn’t have a reason to believe that his brain had been taken over…I didn’t know I was speaking to a Zombie who was looking to destroy me…

We went to Mexico and attended the 2015 season opener of the Arizona Cardinals, which was so much fun.

When I went to visit him the following week, his house had been literally destroyed.

“Oh my God! What happened?” I asked him. I thought there had been a water leak or something.

His mattress was in the living room on the floor, carpet was ripped up, closet doors lying around, and the beloved weight room was now in pieces in the kitchen.

“Didn’t I tell you?” he said. “I’m changing everything.”

He hadn’t said anything to me about it.

When the violence causes silence
We must be mistaken

Zombie

Just 2 months previous to this, we had spent a couple of weekends and solid weeks¬†organizing and sorting everything in the house, from the garage to the sheds to the playroom…movies, tools and toys.

All of the organizing we had done…destroyed in one week!

As he described his plan, he spoke with manic animation, and I clearly saw “crazy” in his eyes.

I was stunned.

“Have faith in our friendship…” echoed in my head. It was the one straw I grasped even though I knew that there was something “off.”

Things continued like this for months. I was only invited to watch football once last fall – and it was more out of guilt since it was Thanksgiving Day and my birthday, and I said that I didn’t want to be alone that day.

He explained to me that he wouldn’t sleep for 3 days in a row…

He was forgetting¬†things, lots of things…like events, conversations, people…so much so that Youngest noticed too.

What’s in your head?
In your head?
Zombie, zombie, zombie

“What’s up with him? He can’t remember anything,” she said to me after all of us went to breakfast one day.

He would get excited to show me progress on the very slow remodel, and then he would pause and look at me quizzically with one eyebrow cocked, and then say…“Well I guess I can trust you…” and then continue to show me what it was…

???????????????????

He literally forgot who I was!!!

…and in those¬†months that followed, we had dwindling time together and lengthy gaps in anything meaningful…

…and then he would show up again, apologizing for being “busy, busy, busy” and being buried in work and not sleeping…and in that moment when he did show up, everything was almost right.

You beg me to go
Then making me stay
Why do you hurt me so bad?
It would help me to know,
Do I stand in your way?
Or am I the best thing you’ve had?

– Pat Benatar

“Have faith in us. Have faith in our friendship,” he said…and I did…until

Enter The Corporate Machine Of Madness

At the same time, the Zombies had split us up in a different battle altogether – They developed an alliance with the Corporate Machine of Madness, led by Lord Business (of course)…and each of us had to face our own separate fights¬†and lead teams against this enemy.

If we didn’t win, the world would be trapped in Darkness, just like Joe Versus The Volcano…marching in the mud to¬†American Panascope, ‚ÄúHome of the rectal probe.‚ÄĚ

Who the fuck would want to work there and live like that??? 

…Zombies…

This is the world we live in
And these are the hands we’re given
Use them and let’s start trying
To make it a place worth living in.

-Genesis

It was because of this battle that I had such strong faith in our friendship. I needed that safety net…to know that there was another fighting the fight to make the world a better place.

I also know what it takes to build a successful career. I’ve done it 3 times. And it takes focus, perseverance, long hours, dedication, and organization. There isn’t always a day off.

…so realistically, I expected gaps.

He went to work at his new company, and I went to work for mine.

I wasn’t sure how I was going to survive working for a company…I had worked for myself most of my life.

There was a reason that the Universe needed me there…

When I discovered this job, I sincerely thought I had found something that hadn’t fallen victim to the Madness, but as the days went on, blending into one another, and I learned more about myself, my resolve, and the inner workings of this machine, I knew that it was too late…that this company had already been taken over by the Zombies.

I was¬†unsure if I had any true fellowship¬†outside of the Madness. I had hoped that I did…

The Universe sent me alliances in the most mysterious of ways, and of course, it wasn’t who or what I expected them to be.

It started with transportation. In order to march into the Madness day in and day out, I had to drive 30 miles one way.

I might as well have been marching in the mud with Joe!

One fateful day in October, the car had had enough. It just died. I didn’t know at the time that this seemingly insurmountable obstacle¬†was actually the turning point in my favor!

This event allowed me to fully let go of the career that I kept me anchored¬†for longer than a year. I could now legitimately say, “I’m done,” and refer everyone to other hands.

I began to carpool and work more from home. As I did, I began a widespread audible campaign in the form of Webinars, full of my rebellious energy, philosophy, and spirit, looking for people who weren’t fully enslaved by the Zombies to dig in and fight the fight.

…and for those who would listen, I taught them how to stay one step ahead…who the true leaders were…and where to go for messages from the underground! This sparked my happiness and my “fight” – I found my voice and my confidence.

Lord Business discovered my channel and how influential it had become.

…On February 12th, I spent the evening with Deadpool, my spirit animal, and¬†Lord Business¬†retaliated and¬†struck a near-death blow to shut me up…the next day I was struck down by the virus… a virus so powerful that I was in bed for nearly 2 weeks.

I was weak and alone, unable to speak, coughing until I cried, fevered, and weak (worth saying twice).

…and the man once known as Captain Amazing texted me to get together, forgetting that I was sick…

Memories are just where you laid them
Drag the waters till the depths give up their dead
What did you expect to find
Was there something you left behind
Don’t you remember
Anything I said?

I told him how sick I was…He asked if I wanted company, and he came over. We lay on the floor and watched 2 movies.

After the movies were done, and I was coughing up a lung, he said, “You don’t look that sick to me,” gave me a hug, and went home.

Being strong is a blessing and a curse!

In hindsight, the Zombie that was possessing him must have known that the virus was not going to kill me and that I was escaping the Madness.

Two weeks later, the Universe sent me the next alliance … the one that would change everything…

Steve walks warily down the street
With the brim pulled way down low
Ain’t no sound but the sound of his feet
Machine guns ready to go
Are you ready? Hey are you ready for this?
Are you hanging on the edge of your seat?

– Queen

 

Escaping the Land Of Confusion

Let’s remember New Year 2016…a weekend of hope…¬†and please refer to cosmic forces that may or may not have played a role in what was to come in Year Of The Yang Fire Monkey…I still wear my snake charm.

As we transition into a new year, let us all be free from suffering.

In February, I was struck down by illness, and in March, as I was gathering my strength and my snake charm was working for me, my alliance walked in.

I received a Facebook message from Steve: “We are thinking of hiring marketing director and your name keeps running around in my head. I was just curious how you are and how your J-O-B is going :)”

…to which I replied: “Make me an offer.”

And he did!! It was the career of my dreams and my escape from the Corporate Machine of Madness. Travel, writing, taking on challenges, making my own schedule…everything I had been fighting for.

I accepted the offer and told “the man once known as Captain Amazing” about it. He seemed truly happy for me. He apologized again for being absent and explained that he had also been offered something…the lead role in a play! It was a musical with a Motown theme for a religious holiday, and he had been in rehearsals.

I had to see this!!!

He invited me to dinner and drinks, and he asked me if I was dating anybody.

???????????????????????????

He must have assumed that in his lengthy absences, I decided to move on. ???????

“No, why would I do that?” I asked. “I don’t want anything more than what is…actually what was before you got so busy. There isn’t anybody who can give me that. You’re the only man I’ve been with for more than 2 years!”

He asked me what I would do if he met someone else but that he wasn’t looking … he didn’t want anything either…

???????????????????????????

“I don’t know,” I said. “I don’t worry about such things until it becomes a reality.”

“Fair enough,” he said.

I asked about the play.

He was hesitant to let me attend, concerned about the potential social conflict among audience members and anything awkward that might arise if HLB were to see me there, run up to me, hug me, want to sit with me, want to come to my house and play…etc.

I assured him that I was not going to cause him trouble. I just wanted to see him on the stage, especially after he showed me his costume!

The night of the play arrived around mid April, and I had a very uneasy feeling which led to ambivalence about going. Youngest didn’t want to go. So I was going to attend alone.

I decided this play was about more than me and anything discomfort¬†I might feel if I were to run into HLB’s mom or other family members.

Have faith in our friendship.

I entered the auditorium and found my place in the back row along the aisle, so I was out of the way but still had a view to take pictures and video.

The irony of that vantage point is not lost on me.

He found me and came and talked to me — He thanked me for coming and said how much it meant to him. ¬†That definitely made me feel better about going.

As I observed the crowd, an eerie sick-like feeling came over me, and as I sat with this nausea, my heart sank.

“I don’t want to be here,” I thought.

He was so happy being there with all these people, and I was squirming, feeling the oppressive weight of Zombies everywhere, breathing down my neck, so close they might see me. I needed to escape.

I knew in that moment that if he wanted that…that suburban apocalyptic day-in-day-out, tract housing and cookie-cutter life, I couldn’t do it.

The people were lovely as individuals…as a collective, they were sheep. And I say that with love – It’s a whole different post to sort out the myriad of thoughts, philosophies, and emotions I felt sitting there.

The one truth I knew – I didn’t belong there.¬†I had been going to soccer games with him and HLB, and I took video and pictures…but I always felt like an auntie…

——

But that earlier conversation haunted me during the next several weeks…even as he made plans with Youngest and me for a weekly summer get-together for games…

“Are you dating anybody,” he asked – repeated over and over in my head….

He invited me to breakfast and to sync our calendars, but when I arrived, he had already filled his summer schedule with travel…and made plans without including me…

I remember long ago –
Ooh when the sun was shining
Yes and the stars were bright
All through the night
And the sound of your laughter
As I held you tight
So long ago –

We went to see the opening of Captain America Civil War (how ironic),¬†and then I had to leave town in May for 10 days. While I was gone, I knew…saw his demise in a dream I had…felt the cataclysmic shock.

After I returned, he met me out for dinner and told me that he was thinking about returning to the Zombies and living that life. He hadn’t made a complete decision.

I knew…I had been preparing for this…

I told him how weak he was. He was the one man who I thought was brave, strong, and who had my back as much as I had his.

Ooh Superman where are you now
When everything’s gone wrong somehow
The men of steel, the men of power
Are losing control by the hour.

So the zombies claimed another victim, one I didn’t expect to go. He just didn’t have any fight left. He was rendered weak and helpless in the battle against the Corporate Machine Of Madness.

I went ahead and made a decision on my side. I took 2 toys and my toothbrush, the only things I kept in his house.

I hugged him in the doorway, cried a little as I did, and walked¬†to my car. I didn’t look back.

Out of the doorway the bullets rip
To the sound of the beat
Another one bites the dust
Another one bites the dust
And another one gone, and another one gone
Another one bites the dust

Captain Amazing is no more, succumbed to the advances of the Zombies. My small team of superheroes couldn’t save him.

It was gruesome to watch… the slow insidious disease that overtook him until his brain was gone.

In Warm Bodies, I learned that when the Zombies eat brains, they are able to see memories and feel feelings…

Which zombies ate the memories of me? I’ll never know. But I know they’re gone.

I have armed myself for battle — knowing that somewhere, there are Zombies trying to bring me down —

…but are there¬†heroes looking to form an alliance??

I fear I won’t recognize an enemy from a friend.

Truth is: Bullshit women will cry over how they want things to be, rather than accepting and responding to how things actually are.

I will not be that bullshit woman!

But I’m ready, yes, I’m ready for you
I’m standing on my own two feet
Out of the doorway the bullets rip
Repeating to the sound of the beat

What A Real Man Says And Does

 

A REAL MAN is almost as rare as a unicorn….I’m a unicorn, and there is only one of me…

How would I know what a real man says and does? After all, I’ve only known 2 real men in my life –¬†Those 2 Real Men set the bar quite high.

 

Sidebar: I began this post in July – since then I’ve added a 3rd – see below.¬†

 

One is my brother, so my sister-in-law knows what I’m talking about. He’s a great man.¬†He has recently moved away from our area, and this has shaken me up more than I realized it would. I don’t need to say this just because he is my brother.

 

The other walked into my life in the most unexpected and extraordinary manner, and we remain faithful friends in our labeless friendship/datingship/relationship type thing, whatever you want to call it.

 

I avoid putting any male on a pedestal, especially when that status hasn’t been earned.

 

Many have tried, but they failed at some fundamentals.

 

A woman (or man, no judgment)¬†cannot just order a REAL MAN and have one delivered…You’ll end up with DiGiorno, and that’s not the Italian you really want to wake up next to.

It’s not delivery. It’s¬†DiGiorno.¬ģ.

Once you have tasted

A¬†REAL MAN gives you a coat to wear when you’re both going outside to the patio to visit before bed, and he doesn’t just hand it to you – He helps you into it and wraps you up like burrito, making sure you are warm.

 

A REAL MAN makes sure everyone is sleeping and comfortable, and he comes to find you, asleep on the couch – and he lies with you all night.

 

A REAL MAN finds your face in the dark and kisses you before you go to sleep.

 

A REAL MAN plays with you. And when you text him to schedule a session, he makes time for you.

 

A REAL MAN allows and expects you to be yourself, even if you’re silly.

 

A REAL MAN is much happier when you’re happier…and he tells you that!

 

A REAL MAN ¬†assures you that you cannot fuck up with him ūüôā

 

He still has a lot of catching up to do on “life” because the stress at work and in his personal life is so incredibly all-consuming – It is like the Blob, just taking over everything.

blob-eats

He is constantly fighting¬†the Blob and the work stress – and hopefully soon, life can¬†get back to normal… but the Blob has been around for 6 months.

 

I have noticed how stress affects this man. He is like me in soooooo many ways.

 

When the stress becomes too much, the fortress goes up – and all energies go into defending against the enemy and strategically planning the counterattack.

 

As long as I know that it’s happening, I’m okay with it.

 

He is a REAL MAN, defending his honor, truth, right to protect and serve himself and his tribe.

 

The Blob has been all-consuming…sad for me…a house remodel, a new position for me with ridiculously early hours, and more work for both of us:

 

There hasn’t been a night on the patio in a very long time…sleep-overs are once a month, if I’m lucky…and it’s sad.

miss_you_on__a_rock

Very recently, after I started this post, a 3rd man entered my life. Fortunately for me, Mr. V has stepped in to shine as a REAL MAN in other ways for me.

 

Champion of hard work and leadership, Mr. V has been my biggest fan during my career shift. Where others have talked the talk, Mr. V has walked the walk.

 

It’s hard to say if I’ve been burying myself in work BECAUSE of all of the¬†chaos in Captain Amazing’s world or if the chaos in his world has escalated because of my work.

 

When I recognized that this imbalance between work and personal was not satisfying to me and leaving me empty, Mr. V and I had several awesome talks about what I could do – and that my happiness was of utmost importance.

 

Never get so busy making a living that you forget to make a life.

 

Two enormous opportunities happened at work simultaneously, all thanks to Mr. V and the encouragement to go for it.

 

A promotion, a “show” and full-time work-at-home-once-again status (Dreams come true!)

 

It’s time to put all the pieces back together to further dominate this dream.

 

I immediately walked across the street and signed up for Lifetime again!

 

The sales gal asked me what my goal is: “Do you want to tone, lose weight, get in shape…”

 

I said, “Well, if we are going to be open and real here, I want to pose in a centerfold by my next birthday.”¬†

 

She said, “Yess!!! I’m putting that down. You could go do that right now. That’s the best answer I’ve ever had.”

 

She had a training minion with her – He was gorgeous and learning the software and the sales, and he chimed in and volunteered to be my bodyguard. ūüôā

 

Done!

 

I’m thankful in so many ways. I have a great life, and as always, I’m surrounded by guys I adore – I’m fortunate also that I have REAL MEN in my life too ‚̧

 

2016 – He loves me!

Ahhhh, a New Year has begun!

 

I love the new year and change. It’s possibly¬†because I’m a commitment-phobe, and change prevents me from digging in and anchoring myself.

 

Here’s the interesting thing: My body has been stuck (anchored??) – glued to an¬†ever present “protecting me from myself”¬†moment – and I haven’t been able to figure out from what…I certainly have not picked a man before myself, nor have I morphed into a zombie, although I have had a 15 shades of zombie eclipse my life from time to time during the last 6 months.

 

What are my symptoms? Basically I just haven’t felt like I looked like myself, and I haven’t felt like myself either.

body image 1

I’ve been feeling like something is definitely missing. And fun…what’s that? I can only remember “fun” as a vague memory. It’s like “fun” is dangled in front of me as a tease, and I have to chase it down, beg for it.

 

I haven’t really been as dedicated to my fitness in the maniacal nature that I have been in the past.

 

I’ve been bored – uninspired…like it’s a job…a chore. Not unlike sex during the zombie apocalypse.

 

And yes, trail mix is my enemy and Jack Daniels has become my friend with benefits when I’m out with my best-friend-with-benefits/intimate partner/toy…and as much as I would love to chalk up this feeling of aging to AGING, I know it’s more of a spiritual disconnection.

 

The thing is – I got my career on a full-speed course to dreaminess. I get to write! Although it hasn’t been for me. I get to do marketing! Although it hasn’t been for me. I get to go earn income and be important. Although it’s someone else’s schedule.

 

I see a pattern emerging.

 

Tony Robbins mentions this too – You work on one area of your life, like career, then another piece of your life, like your body, then starts to lag, and you go over there and work on that part…and then you work on your relationship…and round and round it goes.

 

Here’s the thing: My body and I have been fighting lately – in a really nasty passive-aggressive bitchy way.

 

I’ve been trying to find the solution – What will make you happy, Body? What can I do?

 

Body replied: “Well, you haven’t been taking care of me.”

 

I said: “But I joined Orange Theory – I added more movement for you and a stand-up desk at work so you’re not sitting all the time.”

 

Body said: “That’s not what I need – You know what¬†we both¬†need.”

 

I said: “But Body, when the car broke, I started walking to get a ride to work, and I woke up even earlier to get more done – And I get out of work on time…”

 

Body said: “Um, listen to yourself, you idiot! And you come home and keep working. And you’re tired and don’t go to bed…So I’m not budging. And you’re not going to enjoy anything. And I’m going to ruin any good time you could possibly have with your precious Captain Amazing”… (said in a snarky tone and [insert evil laugh here])…

 

So I proceeded to double my intense workouts – “I’ll make you budge, Body.”

your-body-hears-everything-your-mind-says-quote-1

I woke up an hour earlier so I could get more done. I ignored the fact that I wasn’t¬†getting to see Captain Amazing as much (I don’t¬†like to admit that I miss him).

 

And Body held true to her¬†threat…although I still enjoyed Captain Amazing¬†when I got to see him, but I was slightly inhibited…a little more self-conscious because Body and I were fighting.

 

I dismissed the fact that I was burning myself out because I accomplished what I wanted to accomplish.

 

But slowly, the battle between Body and me started crossing the line, and the damage spilled over into my Soul – who thankfully had the good sense to play mediator, requested a truce and long hard look at a workable solution between my Body and me.

 

I searched and researched – I tried self-administered vitamin injections, I’ve gone vegan 80% of the time, and I’ve hired a personal trainer. I ride my bike or walk to get most places.

 

But the truth is, in my quest to establish my new career, I did the one thing I didn’t think I would ever do again…

 

I’ve put myself LAST – AGAIN – Ugh! Does this cycle ever end????

 

Funny – I’ve been on this healing journey for so long that it has become¬†my lifestyle. But here’s the trick, I’d like to stop the part of the lifestyle where I get stuck – AGAIN.

 

Everyone on life’s¬†journey has to check in with themselves and has to monitor themselves. The healing is never complete and nobody else can heal you. You have to heal yourself – and seek the guidance of other like-minded people who “challenge” you to stay on the path.

 

I guess that’s actually why “The Goddess of Healing” has stayed with me – because I’m always healing myself.

 

It’s a dance, and eventually the practiced steps start to make sense, to the point where the lag isn’t so damaging. And so that when a huge change rolls in, like the one I experienced in 2015, it doesn’t end up knocking you down quite so hard and for quite as long.

how-good-your-body-is-designed-to-feel-yoga-picture-quote

Even now, I see signs of discontent with myself, and I still search outside myself for the answer – and the moment I sit down and look within, the answer is so simple.

 

This time it was simply that I haven’t been paying myself first (putting myself first) and I haven’t been playing outside. I caught it before I completely broke up with myself.

 

I do believe I can quickly undo this damage.

 

How did I come upon all of this?

 

Well, I spent the New Year with Captain Amazing and Happiest Little Boy in Mexico with some other friends. It was a platonic weekend, because Captain Amazing and I go hard when we go at it, and when in mixed company, well there is just no way we can keep it quiet or quick, which is fine with me.

 

I spent soooo much time with HLB which was sooo awesome and yummy! That kid is a delight to be around. And I think he enjoyed himself too. We were nearly inseparable, except for the little story mentioned below.

 

We played in the sand, went on the swing, went up and down the stairs many times, watched the sunrise, tickled each other. He “went up top” which something he only does with his dad (he climbed up my back and sat behind my head with his legs wrapped around my neck). We ran away from sharks. We spent several morning hours together, just the two of us, while the rest of the house slept.

 

Those were important spiritual moments – and the other one, which was an equally bonding moment, was spending January 1st at the ocean alone with my music and moving my body.

 

It all felt so great. In my little beach workout, I ended up traveling 6.13 miles walking, running, and lunging.

 

When I returned, everyone was watching Twilight – but what I really needed was some sunshine. I took myself upstairs to the balcony, and I lay myself on the tile and just listened to some comedy right there on the ground, with the sun hitting my face. BLISS!

 

I always forget that’s an option to ground myself¬†– Just lie on the ground.

 

Anyway, after about 45 minutes, HLB came up looking for me. He said, “Mindy, you didn’t listen to me.”

 

I said, “Well what did you say?” As he walked up the stairs and turned the corner to see me lying on the floor, he started laughing.

 

“Hey, why are you on the floor?” he asked giggling, and as he did, he ran up and jumped on me.

 

“Oh,UGH!” I laughed as he pinned me to the ground.

 

“Come play with me,” he said. The two of us went downstairs and played The Good Dinosaur game.

 

We had snacks and played some more.

 

The next day, he and I both got up at 6am and drank coffee and ate breakfast together. We watched the sun come up and we got dressed to go down to the ocean and dig in the sand. We played in silence for about 45 minutes or so, until our noses were running and our hands were freezing.

 

It was time to go up and wake up his dad, and we ran from the sharks that were chasing us from the ocean – We ran up the hill to the castle! And as we went through the door, I said, “Wake up your dad with your cold hands,” and we both inserted an evil laugh there!

 

Over the course of the morning, packing up our things for our return home, HLB grabbed me and said, “I want a hug and a kiss.” I picked him up, and he said, as he squeezed my neck, “I love you.”

 

Holy shit!

 

Now, my rule about saying “I love you” is this: I don’t say it first. It doesn’t matter how old the boy is.

 

I also haven’t heard that from a male person¬†who truly meant it in probably 15 years. I distinctly remember the last time – The day Youngest was born. And I don’t think that it was really directed at me but rather to the situation.

 

Sure, there have been a few moments where a dude has uttered it, but I really think the feeling was mistaken…especially since I have felt what it is like to feel the Earth move with someone who isn’t desperate for my energy or wanting to possess me.

 

Now, truth is, I have to say that I truly love this boy – When love songs talk about that “missing piece” – that soulmate that searches for another soulmate – that would describe this kid and me. This boy has rocked my world!

 

I said it back without hesitation, “I love you too,” and I kissed him back. He hugged me tighter, and I knew he understood, and I knew it was the right thing to say to this special little man because it was the truth for both of us in that moment.

 

Holy shit! What do I do now? It’s like a Romeo & Juliet kind of situation. I never expected to ever be in this kind of scenario, much less love it so much that I am at a loss.

==

So how do I fix this? Is there anything to fix? …my body…my balance…

The Body heals with PLAY…
The Mind heals with LAUGHTER…
The Soul heals with JOY…

I determined that the hours I’ve been dedicating to everyone else are the issue. It’s not my job and it’s not the work I do. That’s a huge relief. So the solution is simple – Just ask to change my hours. I happen to be at a perfect transition for that.

 

I just have to¬†ask for what I need and how I can make that happen so I am taking care of myself. And that’s really it – It’s the simple, simple dance that is incredibly challenging and easy at the same time – The challenging part is staying the course despite all that I have habituated over a lifetime.

 

 

Next up: Captain Amazing finds his groove…

Tales Of The Extroverted Dominant Submissive Introvert

I am an enigma wrapped in a mystery. I am an extroverted dominant submissive introvert. I should have a cape or a mask, secret identity, and go on undercover missions because I can disguise myself as either part of myself.

Since I am still in the most significant relationship/datingship/friendship thing of my life (without labels, of course, and no, it’s not a relationshit), I’m learning a lot about what makes me tick, and it scares the crap out of me!

For the first time in my history with this man, I felt unsafe for a moment, and I can finally articulate exactly what I want, in all its ambiguous clarity. ūüôā

This might¬†not end well…but the whole middle part is awesome!

Part 1: The Friendless Social Butterfly

The first part of the story started when Captain Amazing and I had our calendars out, discussing the next two weekends and how we would be spending our time.

He asked me if traveling to Mexico sounded good.

“YES PLEASE!” I said.

“Cool,” he said. “And we’ll come back Sunday and go to the Cardinals season opener.”

He then asked, “Do you have any friends you’d like to invite?”

I paused, thinking. There was an uncomfortable silence as he stared at me and I looked somewhere else, contemplating the question.

It’s one of those questions that scatters everything out of my brain, so there is nothing left in my head, and I have to spend a few minutes trying the coax my thoughts back into the room.

“…um…” I said.

Then he added (which was unavoidable), “…or do you have friends?”

I DO have friends, but not the way most other women¬†have friends…I think…

I¬†don‚Äôt actually have a regular¬†‚Äúgroup‚ÄĚ of friends. For my whole life, I have¬†often selected¬†one or two individuals from different social groups, and I¬†float from group to group –

It’s important that I know a lot of people – not for me…for them. I introduce them to each other for dating reasons and business reasons, but it’s typically via an email introduction, and then I let them come together in their way. I’ve tried to¬†co-mingle with the introductees, and I don’t care for it. There is too much responsibility for me to ensure the meeting goes well. My preferred part is simply the intro and leave everything else to¬†them.

Even though I know many, many people,¬†I often lose touch over time. Not because there are hurt feelings or dislike – It’s more of time constraints and growth in other areas. And I don’t let people get too close to me. The last time I did, they died.

I said, “No I guess not. I mean, I do have friends, but nobody right now that I’d want to spend an entire weekend out of town with.”

Although, he could invite anybody he wants, and I would be perfectly happy with that! I’m also perfectly happy just the two of us.

People often see me as completely, without a doubt, totally extroverted and brave because my personality attracts a lot of attention.

There is another side of me that stays at home, reads, writes, is extremely disciplined in exercise, and avoids attention. I love doing that – it gives me a competitive edge!

While I love my alone time, I am very, very outgoing. I can have a blast doing nothing all day OR hanging out with people all day. I love to do both. I’m often otherwise dedicated¬†to my work, my alone time, my exercise, and to¬†the people who are most important to me.

I am¬†often quiet, but I love¬†to talk.¬†I enjoy the intimacy of hanging out¬†one on one rather¬†than in large groups, even though¬†I’m not a very intimate person.

Small talk annoys me. ¬†I¬†avoid it. I¬†don‚Äôt want to talk about how bad the weather is or what’s going on in the world. That said,¬†I am completely happy chatting it up with friends and strangers.

I do put myself out there, live fairly fearlessly, and I have a great time when I do¬†go out. But my time is precious, and I have a lot of necessities (exercise, kid-time, discipline) to squeeze into my day, and I still¬†live inside my head (which is probably the scariest place). My thoughts are always¬†analyzing situations and how I feel (which I keep to myself).¬†I also don’t like to spend money on myself.

I am often perceived as a leader. I am driven to succeed, work long hours, do my best in everything, solve problems, and make systems more efficient, but I cannot manage people. I expect people to manage themselves and comply with the same rules I give myself.

What drives me? I’d love to say it’s for myself, my glory, my riches, but it actually isn’t. It’s for those in my very, very tiny inner circle. Without them, I am a lost soul with no direction. I need the leader that complements my nature. I am the dominant submissive – (play theme song)

All of these¬†thoughts, behaviors, and attitudes around success require me to ‘turn it off’ in other areas. I strive to dominate most scenarios, not settle for being less than my best, but I don’t do it for me. It is to ensure that my inner circle is pleased.

…or is that how I dominate?¬†(Insert evil laugh here)

It’s a very compelling question which leads me to part two of the story:

That Which Gives Me Strength Is Simultaneously My Kryptonite

The most significant back story required to really lay the foundation of what is to come below is the couple of times when the subject of living together had popped up – We had talked about talking about it twice, at length and in detail, both in the spring and in July, which resulted in his decision to never go down that road, even though he was the one who initiated the conversation.

The underlying current of thought for me consists of “who am I” and “what do I want” – two questions that I say I ask, but I really avoid because neither has a safe answer.

So, we were chilling in the pool, and Captain Amazing shared his new book collection – He decided that he’s going to try to figure himself out when it comes to relationships. He said that he is set in his ways and on a specific path…and isn’t going to change…

…Cool – he shouldn’t change…

His brilliant idea, as he described it, went something like this: That when he finds the right submissive girl, he will know how to take care of her without making a mess of everything else.

I’m paraphrasing – this is what my personal reality heard.

??????????????

He went on to say that whomever he finds will need to not touch his money because he is on a specific path to savings, and would have to be great with his sons, especially HLB, and not want kids…

??????????????

While I do appreciate that I am, indeed, the coolest chick on the planet and not quite a human because I’m a unicorn, I still am partly human/female, although maybe he didn’t know who he was talking to??? Sheer panic arose inside me for many reasons.

  1. Holy shit, I am not his first choice, not his best choice. Clearly, I need to step up my game! Shit!
  2. I don’t want him to “change.” Evolve – sure. Figure himself out – great. Change? No.
  3. I don’t want his money or anything from him. Shit! Why doesn’t he believe this?
  4. I am not the best choice for this boy??????? …as HLB was tightly gripped to my neck because we had been playing in the pool together, swimming with and away from the sharks and whales in the pool – ¬†Shitty, shit, shit!

This might not¬†end well…but the whole middle part is awesome!

Instantly, I felt like I had been thrown from a cliff. He continued to chat merrily about all the reading he’s been doing, staying up all night fascinated by this subject and by upgrading his internet.

But all I could do was stand there in the water, with my mouth agape, trying to collect my thoughts which hadn’t scattered unfortunately. Rather, they sat like cement blocks inside my gut.

HLB was done in the pool. He wanted to go take a nap.

“Come on Mindy,” he said. “I want to go inside.”¬†

He wanted me to take his swim wings off and give him his towel.

As the three of us walked into the house, I turned to Captain Amazing and said, “Let me know when you figure me out with all your reading. I’m probably inside those books – I’m kinda weird.” I tried to keep it light because I just didn’t know how to respond.

I did, however, recognize that it was mission critical that I say SOMETHING to at least initiate the conversation that probably should start out like: “What the fuck, Dude?????”¬†

He said, “I haven’t figured you out yet. You’re definitely agreeable. I am sure we’d find something to fight about – probably money, like someone bought something and that led to an argument…” He continued to somewhat ramble about this while he was getting HLB ready for a nap, and HLB then became the center of attention with a mini-meltdown because he was tired.

Instead, I dug deep to bring out the part of me that can detach from something uncomfortable or dangerous, so that I can internally analyze the situation before I make a decision on the best course of action.

…but my gut was flashing a big red DANGER sign, and I just couldn’t shake that something was not right.

We watched a movie and it was as enjoyable because he and I sat together, touching and I needed that so badly…to feel safe again.

But when the movie was over, he said, “Let’s go play with the modem.” So we went into his office and he started telling me all about how hackers can get into your internet.

He has very good reasons for his feeling unsafe – stemming from things that I cannot talk about. But I understand that from a logical point of view. He has every reason to feel threatened by the events that have unfolded and are continuing to unfold in his life.

However, I sat listening, as I often do, with my undivided and complete attention to every word, his body language, his intelligence, the speed of his speech, and the thoughts – and it reminded me of Mel Gibson in Conspiracy Theory, where Jerry’s manic paranoia is justifiable but delivered in an oh-so very over-the-top fashion.

…and for the second time in one day, I felt unsafe, although not for my own safety, ….¬†for his.

 

I left him to do his work, and HLB woke up from his nap. We played and all was right with the world.

I went to check on CA, and he was in the dark room, lying on his bed prone. I sat next to him, and I rubbed his back while he expressed his frustration and rambled about the internet…and he said how tired he was, and he started to drift. I assured him that he could sleep, that he was safe, and that I could take care of all the kids.

I left him there, closed the door, and took care of all the kids…with cement in my gut.

The older kids played video games, and HLB and I played outside on the trampoline and on the jungle gym. We played baseball, soccer, and catch. We made “cupcakes” and did the dishes. I fixed dinner, and the kids and I had great conversation about sleep, laziness, Coke, food, video games, school – all the important stuff in kids’ lives.

Then HLB took a shower and I put his jammies on him, and he wanted to read. We tucked ourselves into his bed and read several books, until I fell into an uncomfortable sleep – too sad to cry – stomach hurting – heart breaking.

Youngest came in and said she was ready to leave, so we packed up our things, said very brief “goodnights,” and went home.

This man gives me strength and makes me weak. UGH!

It was time for the hard part – sleeping with Kryptonite in my gut.

Part 3 of the story –

How A Submissive Introvert Expresses What She Wants In A Quasi-Extroverted Dominant Fashion

I couldn’t sleep. My heart was racing, my thoughts were racing. I actually entertained the thought that I had internally “taken on” his exhaustion-induced quasi-manic episode so he could sleep.

I was so worried that I couldn’t even collect a coherent thought to write or to work or to move.

I texted him to try to initiate the conversation. Initiation is difficult for a submissive introvert. I have to call forth all of my extroverted dominance, but in this arena of feelings, asking for what I want and expressing myself feels like I’m both attacking and being attacked – and the one person who can keep me safe and talk about the situation logically with is the one person I have to face.

I don’t like those kinds of feelings and I am not “romantic” at all. I would prefer to be pinched or slapped or self-inflict some sort of torture (which is probably why I exercise the way I do) than to express heart-felt feelings. They are there, but I prefer they stay buried in a deep dark cave where no one will find them.

I told him I wanted to make sure he was okay and that I wanted to slap him and then have him inflict pain upon me until all these feelings went away.

He had no idea what I was talking about.

What do I want?  We met 2 years ago РMy life changed that day. I knew it because of what I physically felt. But I also did not know to what level my life would change.

So what do I want? I mean really, really want? These are things he doesn’t know. He couldn’t have known because I haven’t known how to sum it up in a nice neat package until now. Maybe it’s time he gets to know me just a little bit better…

I’m like an iceberg. The smallest part of me is what you see.

All I want, whatever it looks like, is to crawl into his arms, wrap them around me, and have him protect me – to feel safe inside there. ¬†I could live there forever. I don’t care what the outside of that cocoon looks like – marriage, living arrangements, finances – I don’t care about those things; they are meaningless to me. That’s why it’s so difficult to express what I want in terms that others would understand.

So my introverted submissive dominates that conversation – by saying nothing at all – even though that is the part of me with the strongest needs.

I want his protection around me…and the things that go with that: Sex, sleep, safety, and satisfaction (more sex too).

One of the first questions he ever asked me was “Do you feel safe? Do you trust me?” And my response then is the same as it is now: “I trust you with my life.”

When he first asked me that, we hadn’t had sex yet, and¬†he still made me feel that way. He always has.

Whenever the world is off-kilter, I know that I can just hear his voice, see his face, touch his skin, and I feel infinitely better. That’s all I need. It’s all I have ever needed, like breathing.

I never want that to go away because I’ve never felt that with anyone until him. He is my rock – THE one man – who can provide that for me.

There is a submissive part of me who wants him to tell me what to do because he would do right by me, and I wouldn’t have to think so much. He’s better at those things than I am.

… and at the same time, I want to protect him and his boys – keep them safe – I want them to know that I won’t abandon them, just like I won’t abandon¬†my own kids…and it’s more than a “want” – It is a need, like breathing.

…That I’m there and that I’m always striving to be the best for them, whatever that looks like – that I am enough because of who I am. And for someone like me, whose inner circle is microscopically tiny, that’s an entire world.

And I’m not going to take their things, their money, their other people – just like I wouldn’t do that to my own kids – They are my inner circle.

There are times in the night, and I don’t think he knows this – when he calls out to me, like a little boy with bad dreams. There are sounds he makes that sound like a small child. I wake up and look around, looking for one of the kids, but he is the only one there. I often wonder if he goes back to those times, in his boyhood, when he is seeking that safety…the same safety I need… and I offer it to him, unspoken, like breathing.

I made a pact – a commitment – a real one, although I’m the only witness to it. It has had more meaning, power, and promise than any other I have ever made (except for motherhood). It is simple:¬†“I am here – I’ve got your back.”

…and in those moments when his sleep is disturbed, I whisper¬†that: “I am here – I’m right here,” and I touch his back so he knows I have it. And he goes back to sleep, safe. I believe that he believes it, and I’m glad that he doesn’t know this part of himself – If he ever reads this, I hope that he forgets.

I need his dominance over me РI need his decision-making, take charge, we do things his way, like I need to breathe. But I also need my dominance to make my decisions, which are fewer, to take care of all the little details that are affected by his decisions Рand that contribute to the whole.

And I also need him to sleep and trust that I will dominate that part, so he can recharge.

I need to submit but not get lost.

Who am I? I am the extroverted dominant strong submissive introverted fragile woman unicorn who needs this extroverted dominant strong intelligent man (even when his head is in his ass РI still have personality) and the boy inside him (and the one beside him) who need me when the world gets a little rough around the edges and they need a safe place to crash.

This might not¬†end well…but the whole middle part is awesome!

Ecstasy And Energy

A-Z Blog Challenge

Letter E

…title by Captain Amazing…

There are many ways to define ecstasy. It is a state of extreme delight, which seems rather tame and not as descriptive as when I’m floating in ecstasy.

How does he define it?

I actually haven’t asked. I guess I should… It would be important to know that.

However, I have observed moments of sexual ecstasy, without doubt – which make me ecstatic! The power I possess to make that happen – to render this man absolutely helpless and incapacitated for that moment…It’s an event I just cannot get enough of!

He has observed moments of sexual ecstasy in me…Some of those moments have lasted hours. One night, he spent over 3 hours examining and studying how my body reacted when he did certain things – like a mad scientist.

He knows every inch, centimeter, millimeter of my entire body – every bit of it – It’s terrifying and awesome! There is no hiding!

I cannot pretend to be anything else – I cannot make any excuses – All I have is my rawness, my realness, my authentic manner of showing up physically and emotionally because I have no walls left – I have nothing to hide behind.

It’s terrifying and awesome!

It’s like I’ve peeled back all the hard layers of being a so-called “adult,” to reveal mySELF.

The results are nothing less than exquisite.

And I’m ecstatic about it!

I would say that ecstasy is not just extreme happiness, but an exchange of it…giving and receiving.

I also find myself in a very unique position, not just being so revealed fully, but stepping into that revelation – into a place I’ve never been before.¬†

In 6 weeks, I close the door on the massage room. It’s terrifying and awesome!

My arms hurt, my wrist hurts…I’m so tired.¬†

I don’t want to launch my new career not being able to function, so I am creating an Ecstatic Energy Exchange, where I exit the old life and enter the new one –¬†

I’ve slowly been doing this over the last year and a half, but now I’m down the wire, and I just feel like I need a ritualistic challenge to reboot. And I need to focus on the physical elements that have been not attended to with the grace and charm they are normally given.¬†

 In order to feel more ecstatic ecstasy in all elements of my existence, my cells need some deep cleaning and some deep loving~ I need ENERGY.

I have already eliminated (again) all artificial sweeteners, and actually that includes Stevia. If it comes from a manufacturing plant (other than to be ground), it’s not going in my mouth.

I just got an awesome toy for grinding, not in a sexual way.

My “diet” for the next 6 weeks will largely consist of juice, raw and real. I will be spending the next 3 weeks living in hell – with no breaks, no life, no free time, very little sleep, and no ecstasy at all. So I’ll sneak in meditation where I can and live on juice and air!¬†

….

Depth

A-Z Blog Challenge, Day #4 

 Letter D 

There are so many words I could use for D – distraction, delicious, diligent, domestic…

How about “Darn The Luck” because I am now behind on my posts!

But depth is probably the most appropriate and most inclusive of everything that is going on. 

Why am I behind? Well, I went on an unexpected technology off-grid weekend. Had I known that I was going to do that, I would have been prepared. 

Nevertheless, here is the story:

Friday afternoon: I emailed Dr. Z, whom I friended via Captain Amazing, to invite him for coffee at some point during the weekend. With it being Easter, not having my kids, Captain Amazing having his…the assumption that I would spend the entire weekend alone was a safe bet.¬†

Even with a million friends, when a gal or guy is single, most friends are doing “family stuff” during a holiday weekend.¬†

Unlike the other holidays I endured in the last 6 months flying way too solo for comfort, I decided to be a bit more proactive and at least have an hour of social time so I didn’t feel like a complete outcast.¬†

Friday evening: ¬†I had the awesome opportunity to have quality alone time. I had a lot of tedious computer work to do, so I pulled my Ipad out and fired up Netflix…I watched “The Way” which is a bucket list trip for me (the Camino) while I typed…

…I had also brought home with me a new toy from CA’s – he bought it for me on our last shopping outing…I made sure I brought the charger too. It’s a very powerful bullet-type vibrator, shaped like a rocket ship.

Back in the day, when I purchased my second toy, I selected “Majestic Purple” because I wanted something with a little more depth.¬†

It turns out that when I’m on my own, that kind of depth doesn’t do much for me, which surprises me!¬†

Some things I just like to save for the REAL deal Рand Captain Amazing has got it! 

 ~~~

I met Dr. Z for shooting Saturday morning, and when I arrived at the gun club, he said, “Guess who I ran into on my way here?”

I looked at him and asked, “Who?”

It could have been anybody. I didn’t know…

He looked at me with a look of “Duh..”

I was drawing a blank – and asked again, “Who?”

Then he told me he bumped into Captain Amazing on the way there. They chatted, and CA asked him what he was doing.

Dr. Z replied, “I’m going shooting with your girlfriend.”

I kind of cringed when he said that. I wasn’t sure how CA was going handle the label of “girlfriend.”¬†

My kids have been corrected enough that they use finger air-quotes when they say something like…

“Mom your [finger air-quotes] ‘boyfriend’ [also insert snide sarcastic voice inflection] is doing … (whatever he is doing or saying) … since¬†you’re not [finger air-quotes] ‘labeling it’ [also insert snide sarcastic voice inflection].”

That pretty much sums it up ūüôā¬†

Anyway, that was my big concern – not that I was having a coffee/shooting outing with a friend of CA’s…but that I was referred to as his¬†[finger air-quotes] ‘girlfriend’ [also insert snide sarcastic voice inflection].¬†

After the shooting session, which was super fun, I shot a text to CA to give him a summary of my shooting performance, since I did quite well and was a performance worth summarizing. 

“Hey – I shot well today. Tried a new grip and new stance and did a drill. I wasn’t good at the drill though. Hope you boys had a good breakfast!”

The discussion over coffee with Dr. Z had a lot of depth – We talked about relationshits versus REALationships, my philosophies on each, my empire of wellness and healing, and I shared some stories and offered to assist him in writing his own “Love Manifesto,” since that is one of my service offerings.¬†

He then¬†made the astute observation that he wished he could take all the good pieces from everyone he’s dated and put them together into the “perfect” mate.

“THAT’S IT!” I exclaimed. “That’s exactly what you do.”¬†

It was time for me to dash to work for 6 hours of tedious massage (the countdown is on), but with lovely people, so at least I was spending the day with people I enjoy! 

I pulled out my phone and saw CA’s reply from my earlier text.

He replied: “Very nice. All good and we’re now bouncing. Glad you had fun :-)”

I texted back: “Thanks. Yeah, I didn’t want to spend the whole weekend by myself.”¬†

I’m not sure I felt compelled to say that – I didn’t mean anything by it. It was just a factual statement.¬†

I began my work…and I saw he had replied: “All good – You’re a big girl now!”¬†

I giggled! It was so funny. Then I had the Huggies pull-ups jingle stuck in my head: “I’m a big kid now!”

When I had a chance, I said – “he he!”¬†

…to which he replied that he was going to Costco¬†and did I need anything….

??????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????

WHAT???!!! Where did that come from???

I did need toilet paper and dishwasher soap – so that’s what I said. He then asked if I was free in the evening and would I like to join him and his boys for dinner.¬†

YES!!! 

I left work and met the boys at the restaurant. 

First thing – he put his arm around me (?????) and said, “I wasn’t going to leave you alone for the weekend.” (???????)¬†

“Um, ok.” ….and so my unexpected off-grid weekend began…(to be continued)…

I might be a bit out of my depth here…

 

Buffet of Bliss

A-Z Blog Challenge, Day 2

Letter B

I emailed Captain Amazing March 31st to check in.

Subject:¬†“question, comments – no rush.”

I thanked him for taking Youngest and me¬†to a lovely backyard get-together where we met some of his close friends whom we had not met. I informed him that I did not sleep well, although I didn’t disclose the details of the panic attack that woke me up in the night.

He also loaned Youngest a few books, and since he had gone out of his way to perform such a generous act, I wanted to thank him and let him know which book she started to read first.

I then added:

“Oh, this part may be a rush – I decided I didn’t sleep well because I have been orgasmless for too long. Kids leave tomorrow, so I’ll be taking care of myself – If you’d like to join, that would be awesome.

Have a great day!”

I hit send – and received a reply rather quickly:

“I definitely want to join!”

ūüôā Awesome!

So last night, April 1st, was the night to rid myself of the orgasmic drought. We sat on the patio, drinking whiskey and talking about anything, everything, and nothing РThose are the things that matter, after all. 

We chatted about the blog as well. He gave me his request for posts for each letter in the A-Z Blog Challenge. 

There is a theme – The original post title for B was going to be “bondage,” but ultimately, that wasn’t the game we played.¬†

Then he asked me, “What would you like to have done to you tonight?”¬†

That’s like asking me what I’d like to eat in an all-you-can-eat buffet!

Where do I start?? I want to taste and try everything! 

So I made my request – which was vague – I simply wanted a fun orgasm and just let go and play.

Just get me to my destination, and I’ll enjoy the ride!¬†

He suggested we select a video: “You pick the DVD, and we will do whatever the second scene is.”¬†

ūüôā Fun game! Challenge accepted!

I picked “The Best Of Nina Hartley” because I know who she is, ironically not from her film career specifically, but her educational website.

We brought our drinks in…got comfy… and he applied one of the new toys, which we are both very fond of…It’s definitely high on my list.¬†

There’s a lot of power in that package!

I was so preoccupied by the attention that was being paid to me that I wasn’t really watching the video.¬†

“Oh wait, is that the second scene,” I asked.

He said, “Sure, yeah, OK.”¬†

So we added that into the¬†personal scene we were creating, and it¬†really was a buffet –¬†And it was bliss

GAWD, I needed that – WHEW!

This morning, I woke up early, fetched coffee, and did some of my computer work.

I love the mornings. It’s quiet. I’m less distracted.

I heard his alarm chime, and I prepared his coffee and brought it in. I set his coffee down and gave him a back rub — awwwww — and we lay on the bed next to each other, talking about¬†anything, everything, and nothing – which is all the important stuff.

We reminisced about Saturday morning cartoons, Star Wars, superhero movies, and old TV shows we used to watch. Something stirred in him at the mention of Gilligan’s Island…

“Mmmmm, Maryann,” he purred.

Then he said, “But who was the blonde actress who I thought was so hot?” He asked me this as if I had been there watching it with him way back in the day.¬†

…and ironically, I actually knew the answer through some divine intervention…

“Heather Locklear,” I said.

“YES!” he exclaimed. “Heather Locklear. If we are out and see her, I apologize, but I have to talk to her.”

“Of course you do!” I said.

He got lost in the thought…“Maybe we could get a threesome,” he said. I giggled.¬†

Really,¬†if I see Chris Evans out, I’m talking to him…I have a long list of men I’ll talk to.¬†

I would expect that Captain Amazing and I would high-five each other for making such a bold move. You only live once. 

He insisted that I take the new toy home with me, since I don’t have the kids this weekend.

“OK, but¬†I’ll definitely need the charger,” I said.¬†

I packed up the little white bag of weekend fun for me, and he got ready for work.

We walked out to our cars, and he gave me the BEST hug –

I didn’t want to let go.

I thought, “I’m pretty dang lucky! He’s amazing.”

BLISS –¬†

 

 

The Double-Stuffed Cream Filling – Part 1

This is the first¬†of two stories that actually took place in the delicious¬†creamy center between the outer edges of my February¬†Oreo cookie (Anti-VD and Week of Disease) –

Happiest Little Boy & Blue

On Monday, February 16th, I arrived at my lovely client’s beautiful home (castle), and she pointed to the corner of the room. She asked me if I would like it –

She knows my real boyfriend is a 2-year-old I run around with, and he’s the Happiest Little Boy (HLB).

Note: I call HLB my “boyfriend,” and we are truly, madly in love each other!! I have thing for younger guys ūüėČ

A couple of weeks ago, his¬†dad, his uncle, HLB¬†and I met up to go hiking, and I hadn’t seen him in a couple of weeks.¬†When he¬†saw me, he jumped from his dad’s arms and ran to me, and he hugged my legs so tight, like he would never let go, and I picked him up and smothered him with sweet kisses!

He’s the bestest boyfriend I have ever had!! (Same rules apply – Must be FUN, say anything, no drama, no judgment, etc.)

We even have a song! Whenever I hear “I Choose You” by Sara Bareilles, I think of him…more so for the beat than for the lyrics.

Anyway,¬†when I saw what my client was pointing to¬†in the corner of the room, I gasped. My hands flew to my mouth and I giggled with sheer delight – “OH MY GOSH!!!” I exclaimed. “Happiest Little Boy would love that so much!! THANK YOU!!!”

It stood about 3 feet tall, at least. I picked it up and squeezed it. It was so soft and squishy, and it made my heart so happy and filled my soul with such joy РI could not wait until HLB saw it.

I dreamed about what he would do first and all the great games he would play –

He has an active imagination that doesn’t stop or even slow down. When we are in the “upstairs” area of the fort, he makes me pizza and hamburgers, and every bolt becomes¬†a knob to turn or a button to push.

I kept his gift¬†in the back seat of my car for a couple of days until I had to go downtown (cream filling story #2!) – and then decided I‚Äôd better take it into my apartment –

I thought, “Someone might want to steal it because it‚Äôs so awesome!”

I just hugged it and squeezed it as I carried it upstairs. 

“This is the greatest thing, ever!”

When my daughters came home, I showed it to them. They each hugged it and squeezed and had the same feeling I had – “This is amazing! Maybe we should keep it.”

On Sunday, Youngest and I arrived at HLB’s house. Youngest¬†was going to do some chores and entertain HLB¬†while we so-called¬†adults pretended to be adults (work-type stuff, not adult play-type stuff).¬†

We knocked on the door and heard the locks rattling. Clearly HLB was opening the door himself, doing his best to reach the deadbolt. 

He threw the door open and saw what was in my arms РHe grabbed it and ran to the living room, where he proceeded to wrestle with the giant dog and smother it with kisses. 

“That is awesome!!” said his dad. “Where did you get that?”

I told him the story of how this biggest softest awesomest giant stuffed Saint Bernard joined our lives, which looked very similar to this picture below, only bigger and with a big red ribbon bow-tie collar.

stuffed_saint_bernard

As I finished the story, HLB came running up to me: “Mindy, Mindy, come see Blue.”

Awwwww….he named it already!!!!

He grabbed my hand and took me to where Blue was sitting. He said, “Sit on Blue’s lap.”¬†

As I went to sit down, he said, “Wait – Blue is pooping.”¬†

I laughed out loud!

Kids in potty training really think of nothing else.

Then he said, “Ok, he’s done….See?” He moved Blue toward the wall where the television cable was (the cable, no TV), so he could give Blue a pretend shower with the pretend hose.

And there I saw where Blue had been “pooping” – a quarter!¬†

I died of happiness! 

What a perfect pet – It is soft and squishy without shedding; it doesn’t bark or bite; and it poops money!!!¬†

oopooh

We played tackle with Blue and took Blue into the fort, and wrestled and snuggled until we were all worn out, and Blue needed a nap (um…and the rest of us!)

And that is the sweet, sweet cream filling story #1 that makes my life the tastiest – The story of Happiest Little Boy and His Dog Named Blue –¬†

Best Anti-VD “Love Yourself” Day AND The Week Of Disease

It’s like two¬†oxymorons rolled into one –

First – I miss my blog sooooo much! I’ve been so busy making a living that journaling my life has been riding in the back seat rather than shotgun.

I am going to work backwards today, which is not too unusual. I do a lot of things backwards.

The Week Of Disease

Today is my final sick day – My final day of being home-bound with what may be the flu, if I can just self-diagnose. The dizziness remains, which I would be more concerned about except Middlest has the disease too and she is also dizzy.

In my week of sickness, Captain Amazing did play Trivia Crack with me – He has yet to beat me ūüôā It has been¬†a battle of wits, and he has come¬†unarmed. Ha ha ha!!

I believe my kids have accepted his role in my life, even though he and I haven’t yet defined terms as other than just “something awesome that we don’t see ending, yet we are not tied down or labeled but reserve the right to tie each other up.”

It’s a long title but we have a lot of ground to cover.

Anyway, I told Youngest this morning that I was enjoying my sick day with her company today, although I was really grateful that I spent the other days alone. I said to her, “I am actually glad I’m single because I didn’t have to take care of anybody else but myself.”

“So you consider yourself single?” she asked.

I said, “Yeah. I am not married, and I live alone except when you’re with me.”

She said, “Yes, but there’s this other little annoying bug called [Captain Amazing] – Explain that.”

I paused and wondered why am I still receiving snarky relationship advice from my youngest daughter.

“Can I blog what you said?” I asked her.

She said, “Of course. I’ll text him for you too.”

**Sigh** Smarty-pants teens.

She really likes him, which warms my heart, and further, she respects him, just as I do. She told me yesterday that she has to do some readathon event at school and that she wanted to ask him what book she should read.

“Is that ok?” she asked me.

“Of course. You can text him and ask him,” I said.

She did…and then she said to me, “Mom, your boyfriend is being a tool.”

“He’s not my boyfriend – Stop calling him that!!” I said (please note that I was offended by the use of “boyfriend” and not by the use of “tool.” – She knows this; therefore, she continues to call him “boyfriend”¬†just to see how I cringe at that word.)¬†“Why? What did he say?”

She said, “Well, I asked him what books I should read, and he said, ‘Dr. Seuss.'”

She and I cracked up!!

Going back a couple of days then, I started not feeling well a week ago, dizziness and just weirdness, which I understand may not be new symptoms for me. However, Captain Amazing looked at me across the table at dinner and asked, “Are you feeling ok? You don’t look well.”¬†

I said, “I think I’m just hungry.” Famous last words …

The next day, Sunday, my head started feeling dizzier and weirder. Youngest and I had gone over to his house to hang out, help with some chores (avoiding our own, of course), but every time I bent over to pull a weed, I felt like I was going to fall.

He had gone to run an errand, so I mainly just wanted him to drive up while I was bent over pulling weeds. Perhaps the view would hit him where it counts, you know? I like it when he squirms in his jeans and we have covert conversations in mixed company. 

I just like to create an enjoyable environment – keeping it real. ¬†The next day was to be our “date night” and I always make sure, within my area of control, that “date night” exceeds expectations ūüėČ

However, after lunch, which I did not partake in because I was not hungry, Youngest and I decided we need to go. I felt like I needed to lie down, and she had homework.

After a short nap, it was evident by the gushing nose, extreme dizziness, and body aches¬†that I was not “hungry” or “tired,” – I had caught some kind of germ bug. I immediately texted the next day’s clients to inform them, and they all canceled.

During my bed rest the next day, Monday, I knew I wasn’t going to make it anywhere, so I asked him to call me. We talked and I explained the situation, stating of course, that he could bend me over so as not to be exposed to my germs. In the end, we decided I should stay home…where I have remained for 6 days.

BEST Anti-VD “Love Yourself” Day

I have a new doctor friend checking on me – ordering me around – Dr. Z. He’s excited to be a character in the blog…Let’s all give him a warm welcome – Hi Dr. Z!!!

He and I met in the fall or last summer, can’t remember, but I’m sure I blogged about a shooting date. Anyway, it wasn’t until Anti-VD Day that we actually had quality conversation.

The story of this little adventure began the Tuesday prior to February 14th, when Captain Amazing and I were quickly finishing coffee and gather up our work things so we could depart in a timely manner.

I asked him, “So what do you have planned this weekend?”

He said, “Hmm, I think I have a dinner Friday night, maybe something Sunday night, which is not set in stone. I don’t have kids. Why?”

I said, “I don’t have kids either, and I don’t have in-person clients. I just have a few writing deadlines, and I would like to do something.”

He pulled out his handy-dandy cell phone with calendar and looked up his weekend agenda…he scrolled and found Friday…then he saw it…

“Oh!” he said with disgust. “Saturday is Valentine’s Day.”

“Yeah,” I said, equally morosely, “but that’s purely coincidence. I don’t celebrate that holiday.”

He said, “Neither do I. You do realize that we have to break up on Friday, right?”

I cracked up! “Well we could just get the toys out and take care of ourselves next to each other and dirty text from opposite sides of the room!”

He burst out laughing and high-fived me; he said he was going to share that with the guys at work.

I wish you could hear his laugh because it’s awesome!

I said, “Well, see what you can come up with and we’ll chat later.” …and then our usual “have a great day” stuff…

…Friday the 13th came around and I received a grand text: “You up for shooting Saturday at 3 with Dr. Z and me?”

My reply: YES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

His reply: Cool.

I was told to bring my happy self ūüôā

My Friday the 13th was quite adventurous and long – and by the time I got home around 5:30ish, I ate, put The LEGO Movie on, and fell asleep.

Saturday the 14th, I woke up around 3:30 am to begin the monster writing project that I needed to complete. It was a lot of tedious copying and pasting links for marketing emails, so I decided to have movies on –

I positioned my Ipad next to me, fired up Netflix, and settled in on Notting Hill to launch my Anti-VD Love Myself Day marathon – Just so I have something chickish to say that I watched because I know the girls out there just think I’m too weird. Spike is my favorite character, hands down. Classic.

I followed that selection up with Terminator 2, the movie that inspired me to have great arms. Linda Hamilton demonstrated that a woman could be a badass, kick ass, and not look like a bodybuilder.

Linda-Hamilton-workout-T2

…and then I started Mission Impossible 2 – Just because…

I finished my project by 2pm, showered, selected a pink tank top and my jeans, and went to meet the guys.

When I arrived at the shooting range, I was not greeted by just 2 men – but 3!!!!

Ahhh, what other woman can boast such an encounter on Valentine’s Day???

My shooting was looking sharp, especially toward the end the session, when Captain Amazing instructed me to fire the 3 remaining clips, while he walked his brother out, and if he was not back, Dr. Z would walk me out.

I unleashed my determination and bullets all in the center of that target. I was so happy and proud, and I had to show him my target. I even received a compliment in the lobby! “Nice shooting!” said the super hot stranger.

“Thank you! – I know, right?” I replied.

We walked out to the cars, where Dr. Z said, “She can come.”¬†

Captain Amazing looked at me – probably with a bit of debate in his head – and he said, “I’m going to Dr. Z’s to watch the UFC fight. Want to come?”¬†

“YES!!!!!!!!” I said.

They both looked at me kind of funny. I’m too old to even care if I’m inviting myself along to something I want to go to, even if it is a guys’ night out.

“You like that?” they both asked.

“Yes, surprising right?” I said. “I was surprised too, but yes I do, and I know Ben Henderson.”¬†

So the stage was set for the ultimate “guys-night-out plus me.” My life rocks!!

We had to make one stop before we hit Dr. Z’s house –

I met Captain Amazing at his house so we could drive to Dr. Z’s together. He grabbed his things to put them away and as we were walking in the house, he handed me an envelope….with my name on it….

???????????????

“Is this from you?” I asked him in disbelief.

“Yeah,” he replied.

“Holy shit!!!!” ¬†I exclaimed.

The gesture was so unexpected that I was utterly unprepared. I didn’t know quite what to do. I put the envelope, which clearly contained a card, into my purse. I decided to let it sit. Since I wasn’t expecting it, I wanted to have a little anticipation…a little buildup for the big moment when I would open the envelope’s contents and see what he had been thinking about …Intrigue….

The thing is – I was happy with just the envelope ūüôā – Don’t tell him I said that!

In the car, driving to our first stop, he asked me a quasi-serious question – “What are your¬†relationship goals?”

WTF?????!!!!!! Really? A card on Valentine’s Day and now this??? Shitty shit.

“Um, let me think…This is it,” I said. “I really don’t have any. I know that sounds kind of under-achieving but I don’t believe in goals when it comes to this stuff. I want to ride things out and see where they go.”

“Yeah, I know,” he said, “and I’m not asking for me.”

????????

“My position has not changed,” he said.

“I know,” I said. “I’m just really happy that it’s lasted more than a year and I’m happy that I’m happy…and I really like you.”

“Me too,” he said. “I really like you too. I’m just not ready to be tied down.”

“I know,” I said.

…and then we arrived at our first stop…did our quick errand…and then off to Dr. Z’s house.

We arrived at his beautiful house, accompanied by Jack Daniel’s, and the three of us immediately began a great evening of dining and conversation. I was nonstop chatter –

…and inside my head, I noted that I was spending my Valentine’s Day with two handsome and successful men. My life rocks!!

The food was great! The fights were great! It was such a great time. I did let my lack of filters go crazy – Dr. Z noted how overpaid the ring girls are.

“I don’t know,” I said. “Think about how hard she had to work…”

He said, “Ok??”

I said, “She had to give a lot of blow jobs¬†to get that position!”

The guys howled with laughter – Apparently that was quite unexpected. Dr. Z said he was expecting something really profound. ūüôā ¬†Could have been, depending on how you look at it.

The fights were finished (Ben won!!), and it was time to go home. I had been awake for 20 hours (high-five me!), so I was a little dozy.

…and fell asleep before my head hit the pillow…and I slept in!!! …. until 8:45!!!! That’s unheard of! I was so proud of myself!

“Do you want coffee?” I asked Captain Amazing, as I said good morning.

He said, “How about 20 more minutes in bed, and I’ll take you out for breakfast.”

DEAL!

And then I remembered – THE CARD.

I waited for about 15 minutes, and then I got up and went to my purse. I carefully opened the envelope.

vdcard

I pulled out the card and looked at the front, and I started laughing so hard!

vdcard2

And the inside read:¬†¬†“Thinking of you at this sad time and wishing you comfort.” …”Happy Valentine’s Day”

I was dying! THE BEST CARD EVER!!!

I went back to the bed and thanked him for the card. He died laughing too. “I totally forgot! I have to tell you the story of when I bought it.”

“Ok,” I said, and settled in for the story.

“I was at the store and finally decided on this one, and when I was checking out, the cashier said, ‘I’m sorry,’ and I said, ‘Oh, it’s a Valentine for a girl I’m seeing.’ She said, ‘Oh, I see’ and gave me a funny look, and then I said, ‘I had to break up with 3 other girls so I only had to buy 1 card.'”

We both howled!!!! I was laughing so hard!!!! THE BEST! I’ve told that story at least 20 times, and it never gets old, although I’m not sure everyone appreciates it just as much as I do.

We settled from the fit from laughter – and then played hard – and settled in from that too ūüôā

I said, “I won’t tie you down.”

He looked at me.

“But I might want to tie you up occasionally,” I added.

“DEAL!!” he said.

Since it’s the last day of the month and a Saturday – More fitting words were never spoken than whisky distiller Jack Daniel‚Äôs last words, which were ‚ÄúOne last drink, please.‚ÄĚ

So here’s to new friendships (Dr. Z – Welcome to the Blog), outstanding lifetime ones (whatever we choose to call it), Tools and Quick-Hardening Caulk, and a toast to all my guy friends for making February the best month of the year.

 

And a huge hug and thanks to my beloved clients and well-wishers!! I was single and alone during my sickness but not lonely. I feel so incredibly blessed! xoxo

Living Bigger

The original working title for this post was “Dreaming Bigger” –

But dreaming is not big enough anymore – The dreams are here right now, so LIVING BIGGER is where it’s at!

I have launched HUGE changes in my life –

These huge changes have meant tight schedules, deadlines, working more, socializing less (not at all), no vacations, and no breaks.

Where is the fun and the chill????

Fun and chill were locked away in the Holiday Gloom ūüė¶

As a result, I put myself quite low I on my own priority list.

It’s time for a little chat with myself:¬†“Self, please take your own advice and put yourself first.”

~~

During the weekend, Captain Amazing so BRAVELY provided me with as much support as I would allow him to provide after my son moved away from home Рand various other things Рa huge volume of minutia.

Captain Amazing said, “It sounds like things aren’t going so well.”

Actually, things are going very well…but with any EPIC adventure, there are rough patches. I just hit a rough patch.

I tried to logically explain these feelings to him…of feeling out of control, of wanting to run away…

I’ll talk about anything. Anyone who knows me knows this fact. However, I’m able to separate myself enough that I’m not really attached – I’m not intimate with the conversation, and my own personal feelings don’t really come up.

It’s so easy to say it to a crowd, but it’s so hard, my love, to say it to you out loud – Florence & The Machine from No Light, No Light

He bravely asked if I was comfortable with him –

Holy shit, what kind of question is THAT???

Of course, I have been thinking about such things, especially during the abysmal holidays, when my role in other people’s lives becomes quite obvious –

It’s a minor bit-part; I’m actually not in the scene during those times because I’m unattached.

Thankfully, I’m not as low as an understudy (so that’s good – I get to play myself in the show).

I’m unskilled at telling a man how important he is to me without the implication or pressure that I need or expect more than what we have, and at the same time, ensuring him that I’m not going anywhere –

…to provide the freedom AND stability with both need and want – We are inventing something new, and it’s scary sometimes.

I’m riding this adventure out, like I did on my great Hawaii adventure in 2013, without an agenda and without expectations.

As I’m doing that, however, I’m keenly aware of new feelings – Like I miss him sometimes (don’t tell him I said that).

I loathe that feeling so much. It makes me feel powerless and wreaks havoc with my confidence.

“Missing people” has not happened much in my life. I just don’t “miss.” I can count on 1 hand the number of people I have missed in my life (grouping my kids as a unit) –

When I miss my friend Tisha, it’s different – because she died. Neither of us can control that…I just become sad, without wondering about subtext or context.

And there is another feeling that comes up for me with CA –¬†“nurturing” – Don’t know why…but there it is.

We have a great time together – I look forward to his company AND to our sexual adventures – and I’m still very happy and satisfied to take the whole friendship/datingship as it comes –

We have an affinity for each other that I don’t see going away in this lifetime, and I believe it has spanned many lifetimes before.

Nonetheless, some of the shit coming up for me right now is related to the timing of where I am currently¬†with him and “feelings” – and the fact that it’s January, when 2 years ago I was entertaining¬†another man – who is, incidentally, my business partner currently.

Oh, the tangled web I weave!

So these giant leaps of faith I’m taking (personally and professionally) require me to hold hands with my two favorite men – the two men who have been the greatest influences, the most amazing heroes of my life…

– and who have both left me at one point … by myself, unexpectedly abandoned.

While I’m not afraid of being alone or of mending a broken heart – I am terrified of the abrupt nature of how both those events went down – just like the end of my marriage – I didn’t see it coming.

That’s the part that scares me the most – feeling so stupidly unaware – and that I may not have been as connected as I thought I was.

That’s the feeling I have to meditate and breathe through…because I also don’t want to worry about such things. That is not living in the moment, nor is it LIVING BIGGER.

It’s too small for me – that’s putting myself in a cage –

So I have to believe in the intangible and stay the course – and take leaps of faith –

It’s like jumping with a parachute that has no strings – and then depending on these fine men to keep me attached to that parachute…

I can make that analogy and take that jump because they both came back…happily so…on their own terms…

…and they have made my life so much better.

I know that I’m very lucky indeed. I am very grateful – Namaste to my heroes.

~~

On Tuesday, the sun came out (YAY), and I had the opportunity to walk commute:
A 9-mile round trip – and it was delightful.

I walked in the sun, no sleeves, listening to some Disney princess songs, of course singing out loud because I can.

However, when I left the studio at 7:30pm, it was dark. The last time I can remember walking a significant mileage in the dark, other than my shorter walks to Starbucks at 5am, was Hawaii 2 years ago.

hawaii

As I began my journey home from work, I pulled up the music I listened to from that trip to Hawaii – A lot of Florence and the Machine – and I was whisked back to that great adventure!

The memories hit me like a tidal wave РLike my first steps in the ocean at 4:30am under a nearly full moon while listening to Cosmic Love  РIt was amazing!

That whole solo adventure was freedom at its finest!

It was diving into the unknown, living unplanned, without a schedule, without an agenda (other than to have an EPIC adventure), without anybody expecting or demanding anything from me Рexcept for ME.

…and my demands were simple – BE, BREATHE, EXPERIENCE.

It was truly the greatest adventure I’ve ever given myself.

The memories were so powerful and so ingrained in my soul, it felt like I was there again. I could actually smell Hawaii on Scottsdale Road.

During¬†my walk home from work that night, listening to Florence and experiencing¬†the feeling that I was back in Hawaii – I decided to spend the month of January 2015 pretending like I’m on a great adventure in a vast unknown land.

Wednesday: One of my beloved clients called in sick – so I had 2.5 hours unexpectedly available in the middle of my day…

…Hmmm…what should I do with that chunk of time??

As I pondered this great opportunity, I put my headphones on and fired up Spotify. They recommended a new playlist, and so I listened to that on my walk to Whole Foods to purchase my cleansing/detox food/juice for the day.

“Don’t Stop Believin” by Journey was on the list – Great song – (Youngest and I had just been talking about this song a few days ago) –

“Just a small town girl, living in a lonely world.
She took the midnight train going anywhere..”

That’s how I feel when I get overwhelmed, so bogged down by the enormity of the volume of minutia that I just want to run away, go anywhere, to just feel free…so I can breathe…so the weight isn’t so heavy.

By letting go of control like that Рfeeling truly free РI actually feel more in control of my life and my decisions.

So I asked myself what I needed…sunshine??…outdoors??…

…and then I craved a mountain…

I packed my bags for the day and went to work – saw my first client, and then headed to the mountain.

gateway1

I think it hit 80 degrees – My favorite temperature – and I ran and walked, passing others on the hike.

…and I felt free…

gateway2

 

~

On January 13th, I am speaking at Grand Canyon University.

It is¬†the students’¬†final class, and they are putting together a strategic plan,¬†figuring out what they want to do, what their passion is – mission, vision and values.

The professor invited me to do this so I can spark their imagination.

My public speaking consists of teaching exercise and musical theater, so the students may end up doing push-ups and singing “Agony.”

The professor used my Lego Gandalf picture and my jackhammer picture, along with the biography on my blog to introduce me to his students.

This may seem like such a small step – but it’s a giant leap – To declare my CREATIVE SELF to the Universe – and inspire other people to do the same – YIKES!

I’m not nervous about the speaking engagement – It’s the leap itself.

It’s daunting and overwhelming. I’m diving into the unknown again, but not on a “vacation” – in REAL LIFE, both professionally and personally…

These leaps of faith are the biggest AND scariest I’ve ever taken…

…on the other hand –

Say Geronimo!