Tears and Spew

I have lost my very best friend – She’s been replaced by tears and SPEW.

SPEW …not to be confused with The Society for the Promotion of Elfish Welfare (S.P.E.W.).

No, it’s SPEW…The Saddest Person in the Entire World.

This poor soul is in my life, and I’m required to be friends with her. I don’t even know how to help her. She used to be my best friend.

She’s the kind of person who doesn’t necessarily have a bucket list, because she just does everything…at least, she used to.

I’ve seen her every day for the last several months…and she’s been sad every day of that period, possibly longer than that, if I really think about it, but I’m not sure I noticed it quite the way I notice her now. She’s exceptionally good at hiding pain.

I’ve seen her crying as she walks down the street. I hear sobs occasionally.

She often has tears running down her face, and sometimes I don’t think she notices. They’ve just become part of her daily life.

It’s really hard being friends with her now. She doesn’t complain, doesn’t whine. I can’t even say that she feels sorry for herself. Other than sadness, I don’t think she feels anything?

How do I know she is truly SPEW (The Saddest Person in the Entire World)?

  • one word makes her cry
  • a breeze on her face makes her cry
  • lifting weights makes her cry
  • being around people makes her cry
  • being alone makes her feel nothing or less
  • dreams make her cry
  • nightmares haunt her dreams – and make her cry

SPEW used to be the kind of person that everyone went to for advice on every subject. She was always rational and objective, seeing both sides of the problem and drawing up 2 sensible options, helping her friends see logical and simple solutions.

She thought outside the box with creativity and imagination. She didn’t necessarily care what people thought, and she preferred to be a little outrageous, a little bit beyond the boundary of “age appropriate” or normal.

But I haven’t seen that in a long time…

She never asks for help. She has tried in the past, just as an exercise, asking for help in areas where she didn’t need it, but simply for the sake of doing it – knowing that asking for help is important for one’s emotional well-being.

…and men like to be needed. So she would strategically offer up an area where she “needed help,” just to provide balance in a friendship or relationship.

She always prided herself on being strong and independent, infallible, and dependable.

But I’ve seen her waver on this…ineptly seeking assistance (she doesn’t really know how) and sounding like the craziest person ever.

She went to talk to a trainer at the gym, signed up for a 60-day program, and as she told her story, she stifled her tears. They talked and the conversation turned to the science of it, which gave her a glimmer of joy – science rules –

…but then a few days later, when she worked on the homework he had given her, she knew she needed to ask for more help. She requested a pricing list and a budget. I was there when she asked this:

“Sadly, I don’t want fun. I want hard, painful, leave-all-my-shit-on-the-floor kind of training that taps into all my dark and twisty places. Let me know because I think you can get me there. I don’t want fun right now. I have deep pain that only pain will cure, if that makes sense.”

She cried and confessed that it sounded crazy. I assured her that asking for help is not crazy and something that she shouldn’t feel ashamed about, if that was her hang-up.

SPEW finally asked one of her other closest friends what therapy was like and if she found it beneficial. Her friend said, “Yes.”

SPEW asked, “Well, did you get strategies? Did you learn to recognize triggers and how to overcome them?”

“It was very helpful to talk to someone who’s objective,” her friend responded. “I couldn’t talk to my friends – they would always take my side. I wasn’t in it long enough to get to strategies, but I probably would have. We just talked about what I was feeling.”

SPEW said, “I talk to myself so much that I think ‘talking’ might be a waste. And I know myself, ” she added. “I sugar-coat things and make everything I do look easy and funny to stuff the pain,” and as she spoke, her eyes filled with tears.

Her friend said, “Well you can’t do that. You have to be honest or it’s not going to work.”

When SPEW heard the answer, she started to cry.

  • watching football makes her cry
  • seeing pictures makes her cry
  • music makes her cry

When she’s not crying, she’s numb, no hopes, no dreams, no joy, no fun, no future, no motivation, no inspiration.

SPEW has been sad before but only when she was stuck in something she didn’t belong…with someone she didn’t belong with…but that’s not where she is right now, so she’s not just sad, but she’s very confused about why she’s so sad.

After her previous traumatic breakup, she felt more fear than she did “sadness.”

But I told her that maybe all this sadness is carried from that experience – and that it has been stuffed down inside her and it needs to come out.

She says that logically, she has no reason to be sad. She has a great job that allows her consistent salary, benefits, working from home, and a free schedule. Shouldn’t that be enough?

Yes, she lost something, but she understands the reasons, and it makes perfect sense.

The loss was for perfectly good, sound reasons. The rational logical math of it all adds up to the right answer for everyone involved.

But are feelings ever logical?

“What if you just tell him what you’re feeling,” I asked.

“I can’t,” she said. “That’s so selfish and narcissistic of me to feel sad about this. What am I to them anyway? I wasn’t anything but a space to fill.”

“That’s not true,” I replied. “You know that is NOT logical or even remotely true.”

“But for him and his boy…” she trailed off, and the tears started again. “He wanted to make it work on a different path from me, and I would be in the way. He said it.”

What do you say to that? I want to kick her and hug her…and then kick her again.

“I have to be grateful that they were in my life and that I was a positive influence in theirs,” she added, and the tears flowed heavily, followed by a choking sob, and then stifling into just tears, with no facial expression…just tears…

She’s not the boy’s mom, but she misses him. She lost her friend – and so enter me, who has gone through the same, but with no answers for her.

Do I need to give her an answer?

She’s tried making new friends. She’s tried just being herself in social media – and the saddest part of all, since I’m friends with her on Facebook, that’s where she feels the safest and the “happiest,” if you define that “fake fun” as happy.

She has been going through the motions of a life, pretending to be happy…but I’ve watching her not be able to pretend anymore. SPEW hasn’t been able to cover it up.

She has tiny breakthroughs…she thinks…but the littlest things stir it up.

Now, she feels overwhelming sadness, oppressive grief, devastating heartbreak…She feels like a failure in everything she does but then rationalizes how stupid that is because she IS smart and funny and really good at what she does.

Seeing SPEW and being with her every day breaks my own heart. Hearing her speak brings tears to my own eyes and brings up my own shit.

Watching her move hurts me.

Not long ago, when she was my best friend before she became SPEW, she did cartwheels, ran around the yard, slid down the slide, swung on the swings, hung upside-down, played on the monkey bars, did handstands, jumped on the trampoline, and wrestled with the boys.

She hiked, ran, laughed and enjoyed life.

I can’t even imagine her doing those things or being like that the way she is now. I cannot remember seeing her smile…really smile. And she used to be known for her smile. That was a magnet for people.

She is worried that she might be a little crazy too, like seriously damaged. In her attempt to make friends, she was doing ok, but now pushes people away.

She has traveled to visit family – thinking that maybe that will fill the void. Perhaps her feelings for the others are just misplaced because she’s not anchored to family. But that actually made her sadder.

She’s concerned about her “dark and twisty” place – and that pain there keeps the pain out of her “real life.” …like a ying-yang thing…like balance.

What do you say to that? 

Because she is missing an anchor, we formulated a game plan to bring forth her inner OCD – have her create her own anchor, so she’s not tethered to a person or a situation outside herself – but give her a home-base in herself so she can return to society as a normal sane person.

We went shopping on Amazon together for journals and calendars that she needed for work, and she and I agreed that maybe she isn’t writing enough down. So we took the notebooks and went through her goals.

Her personal goals and dreams consisted of work and exercise. I noted that she didn’t hope to meet a man or have a relationship. I made that curious observation after she finished brainstorming. She didn’t realize that she hadn’t.

She took the first “official” journal and began answering the “Questions for Self-Discovery” which included:

  • “What do you most value in life?”
  • “Who do you aspire to be in this world?”
  • “What are you most passionate about?”
  • “When do you feel most like yourself?”

Her answer to the last question crushed my soul: She said, “I don’t remember,” and we both sobbed at this. 

Since we are establishing a routine for her that requires consistency, commitment (in small doses), and structure, I also explained that despite the daily tears that flow for no reason at all, maybe she isn’t crying enough…

…maybe she needs regular routine scheduled bouts of whaling, sobbing, and crying until there’s nothing left…

…and then maybe those regular routine scheduled bouts of  whaling, sobbing, and crying will gradually become regular routine scheduled bouts of peace, meditation, and smiling…

…and then maybe the random tears for no reason will be replaced with random smiles and laughter for no reason – the way it used to be.

…and maybe she can return to  doing cartwheels, running around the yard, sliding down the slide, swinging on the swings, hanging upside-down, playing on the monkey bars, doing handstands, jumping on the trampoline, and wrestling with the boys…

…and then hike, run, laugh and enjoy life.

…and then maybe we can add some new dreams to her list.

 

 

 

Year of the Yang Fire Monkey

YEAR OF THE YANG FIRE MONKEY

The beginning of the end started with an email newsletter about the Chinese New Year…YEAR OF THE YANG FIRE MONKEY…

Interestingly enough, I was born in the year of the monkey, and I’m a yang fire person:

“A Yang Fire type person is honest, open-hearted, optimistic, radiates joy, hope, warmth and love. However, they can sometimes be fierce, quick tempered, straight-forward speakers who say exactly what they feel or is on their minds, without much filter. A Yang Fire person feels their emotions deeply both good and bad. In general, a person born in a Yang Fire year will be noticed; often the center of attention.”

I found this fascinating and I reached out to the author, who explained the following:

The Monkey is one of the 3 animals forming a dangerous configuration or clash called “Three Penalty.” This includes the Monkey, the Tiger, and the Snake and together they will generate strong fire elements.

People with this clash may make dramatic changes (such as a job change or move). These can be quite positive opportunities, too! This year it is recommended that a person with a clash carries the pendant of a Snake which will help deflect the Monkey and, therefore, minimizing the negative influence of the clash.

The Monkey resides in the Southwest and is the seasonal birth of the water element. The image is the sun setting in the west and the water helps to temper the fire.

The Monkey is also known as a ‘Traveling Horse.’ This year will bring more opportunities to travel and is good for tourism/hospitality.

Given the set of circumstances both professionally and personally, I took her recommendation to wear a snake pendant.

The pendant arrived at the end of my sickness…and with it, transformed everything.

My health turned the corner…

I consulted with the author to do more work. She said I was coming into great fortune, and that I would meet my mate this year (which caused me to pause, since CA and I were still dating)…I had 2 places to move my bed for good luck:

I could move the head of my bed to the East wall, facing west. This would lead to discovering my mate more quickly.

I felt like vomiting, so I asked what my other option was.

She said I could the head of my bed to the South wall, facing north, in the Southwest corner of the room. This was the wall of financial good fortune.

I chose that wall!

I went through the apartment and slowly applied everything she recommended, except for the water features…my fear being feeding the water when I’m gone…I might have to get over that fear sooner rather than later.

2016 – He loves me!

Ahhhh, a New Year has begun!

 

I love the new year and change. It’s possibly because I’m a commitment-phobe, and change prevents me from digging in and anchoring myself.

 

Here’s the interesting thing: My body has been stuck (anchored??) – glued to an ever present “protecting me from myself” moment – and I haven’t been able to figure out from what…I certainly have not picked a man before myself, nor have I morphed into a zombie, although I have had a 15 shades of zombie eclipse my life from time to time during the last 6 months.

 

What are my symptoms? Basically I just haven’t felt like I looked like myself, and I haven’t felt like myself either.

body image 1

I’ve been feeling like something is definitely missing. And fun…what’s that? I can only remember “fun” as a vague memory. It’s like “fun” is dangled in front of me as a tease, and I have to chase it down, beg for it.

 

I haven’t really been as dedicated to my fitness in the maniacal nature that I have been in the past.

 

I’ve been bored – uninspired…like it’s a job…a chore. Not unlike sex during the zombie apocalypse.

 

And yes, trail mix is my enemy and Jack Daniels has become my friend with benefits when I’m out with my best-friend-with-benefits/intimate partner/toy…and as much as I would love to chalk up this feeling of aging to AGING, I know it’s more of a spiritual disconnection.

 

The thing is – I got my career on a full-speed course to dreaminess. I get to write! Although it hasn’t been for me. I get to do marketing! Although it hasn’t been for me. I get to go earn income and be important. Although it’s someone else’s schedule.

 

I see a pattern emerging.

 

Tony Robbins mentions this too – You work on one area of your life, like career, then another piece of your life, like your body, then starts to lag, and you go over there and work on that part…and then you work on your relationship…and round and round it goes.

 

Here’s the thing: My body and I have been fighting lately – in a really nasty passive-aggressive bitchy way.

 

I’ve been trying to find the solution – What will make you happy, Body? What can I do?

 

Body replied: “Well, you haven’t been taking care of me.”

 

I said: “But I joined Orange Theory – I added more movement for you and a stand-up desk at work so you’re not sitting all the time.”

 

Body said: “That’s not what I need – You know what we both need.”

 

I said: “But Body, when the car broke, I started walking to get a ride to work, and I woke up even earlier to get more done – And I get out of work on time…”

 

Body said: “Um, listen to yourself, you idiot! And you come home and keep working. And you’re tired and don’t go to bed…So I’m not budging. And you’re not going to enjoy anything. And I’m going to ruin any good time you could possibly have with your precious Captain Amazing”… (said in a snarky tone and [insert evil laugh here])…

 

So I proceeded to double my intense workouts – “I’ll make you budge, Body.”

your-body-hears-everything-your-mind-says-quote-1

I woke up an hour earlier so I could get more done. I ignored the fact that I wasn’t getting to see Captain Amazing as much (I don’t like to admit that I miss him).

 

And Body held true to her threat…although I still enjoyed Captain Amazing when I got to see him, but I was slightly inhibited…a little more self-conscious because Body and I were fighting.

 

I dismissed the fact that I was burning myself out because I accomplished what I wanted to accomplish.

 

But slowly, the battle between Body and me started crossing the line, and the damage spilled over into my Soul – who thankfully had the good sense to play mediator, requested a truce and long hard look at a workable solution between my Body and me.

 

I searched and researched – I tried self-administered vitamin injections, I’ve gone vegan 80% of the time, and I’ve hired a personal trainer. I ride my bike or walk to get most places.

 

But the truth is, in my quest to establish my new career, I did the one thing I didn’t think I would ever do again…

 

I’ve put myself LAST – AGAIN – Ugh! Does this cycle ever end????

 

Funny – I’ve been on this healing journey for so long that it has become my lifestyle. But here’s the trick, I’d like to stop the part of the lifestyle where I get stuck – AGAIN.

 

Everyone on life’s journey has to check in with themselves and has to monitor themselves. The healing is never complete and nobody else can heal you. You have to heal yourself – and seek the guidance of other like-minded people who “challenge” you to stay on the path.

 

I guess that’s actually why “The Goddess of Healing” has stayed with me – because I’m always healing myself.

 

It’s a dance, and eventually the practiced steps start to make sense, to the point where the lag isn’t so damaging. And so that when a huge change rolls in, like the one I experienced in 2015, it doesn’t end up knocking you down quite so hard and for quite as long.

how-good-your-body-is-designed-to-feel-yoga-picture-quote

Even now, I see signs of discontent with myself, and I still search outside myself for the answer – and the moment I sit down and look within, the answer is so simple.

 

This time it was simply that I haven’t been paying myself first (putting myself first) and I haven’t been playing outside. I caught it before I completely broke up with myself.

 

I do believe I can quickly undo this damage.

 

How did I come upon all of this?

 

Well, I spent the New Year with Captain Amazing and Happiest Little Boy in Mexico with some other friends. It was a platonic weekend, because Captain Amazing and I go hard when we go at it, and when in mixed company, well there is just no way we can keep it quiet or quick, which is fine with me.

 

I spent soooo much time with HLB which was sooo awesome and yummy! That kid is a delight to be around. And I think he enjoyed himself too. We were nearly inseparable, except for the little story mentioned below.

 

We played in the sand, went on the swing, went up and down the stairs many times, watched the sunrise, tickled each other. He “went up top” which something he only does with his dad (he climbed up my back and sat behind my head with his legs wrapped around my neck). We ran away from sharks. We spent several morning hours together, just the two of us, while the rest of the house slept.

 

Those were important spiritual moments – and the other one, which was an equally bonding moment, was spending January 1st at the ocean alone with my music and moving my body.

 

It all felt so great. In my little beach workout, I ended up traveling 6.13 miles walking, running, and lunging.

 

When I returned, everyone was watching Twilight – but what I really needed was some sunshine. I took myself upstairs to the balcony, and I lay myself on the tile and just listened to some comedy right there on the ground, with the sun hitting my face. BLISS!

 

I always forget that’s an option to ground myself – Just lie on the ground.

 

Anyway, after about 45 minutes, HLB came up looking for me. He said, “Mindy, you didn’t listen to me.”

 

I said, “Well what did you say?” As he walked up the stairs and turned the corner to see me lying on the floor, he started laughing.

 

“Hey, why are you on the floor?” he asked giggling, and as he did, he ran up and jumped on me.

 

“Oh,UGH!” I laughed as he pinned me to the ground.

 

“Come play with me,” he said. The two of us went downstairs and played The Good Dinosaur game.

 

We had snacks and played some more.

 

The next day, he and I both got up at 6am and drank coffee and ate breakfast together. We watched the sun come up and we got dressed to go down to the ocean and dig in the sand. We played in silence for about 45 minutes or so, until our noses were running and our hands were freezing.

 

It was time to go up and wake up his dad, and we ran from the sharks that were chasing us from the ocean – We ran up the hill to the castle! And as we went through the door, I said, “Wake up your dad with your cold hands,” and we both inserted an evil laugh there!

 

Over the course of the morning, packing up our things for our return home, HLB grabbed me and said, “I want a hug and a kiss.” I picked him up, and he said, as he squeezed my neck, “I love you.”

 

Holy shit!

 

Now, my rule about saying “I love you” is this: I don’t say it first. It doesn’t matter how old the boy is.

 

I also haven’t heard that from a male person who truly meant it in probably 15 years. I distinctly remember the last time – The day Youngest was born. And I don’t think that it was really directed at me but rather to the situation.

 

Sure, there have been a few moments where a dude has uttered it, but I really think the feeling was mistaken…especially since I have felt what it is like to feel the Earth move with someone who isn’t desperate for my energy or wanting to possess me.

 

Now, truth is, I have to say that I truly love this boy – When love songs talk about that “missing piece” – that soulmate that searches for another soulmate – that would describe this kid and me. This boy has rocked my world!

 

I said it back without hesitation, “I love you too,” and I kissed him back. He hugged me tighter, and I knew he understood, and I knew it was the right thing to say to this special little man because it was the truth for both of us in that moment.

 

Holy shit! What do I do now? It’s like a Romeo & Juliet kind of situation. I never expected to ever be in this kind of scenario, much less love it so much that I am at a loss.

==

So how do I fix this? Is there anything to fix? …my body…my balance…

The Body heals with PLAY…
The Mind heals with LAUGHTER…
The Soul heals with JOY…

I determined that the hours I’ve been dedicating to everyone else are the issue. It’s not my job and it’s not the work I do. That’s a huge relief. So the solution is simple – Just ask to change my hours. I happen to be at a perfect transition for that.

 

I just have to ask for what I need and how I can make that happen so I am taking care of myself. And that’s really it – It’s the simple, simple dance that is incredibly challenging and easy at the same time – The challenging part is staying the course despite all that I have habituated over a lifetime.

 

 

Next up: Captain Amazing finds his groove…

Dream Managing Part 1

Genie's_Lamp

I’m sitting on the edge of a deeply skewed reality (delusion technically) while facing an illusion, a dream…A list of them really.

 

I’ve known for the last year that THIS LAST YEAR was pivotal in making me whole. I’ve known for the last many years, really since the night I “died” in October 2007 that I’ve been broken.

 

Not just broken in half, like I originally thought. I’ve been shattered into a thousand pieces.

 

I created the delusion of happiness for my survival so that I could put myself back together. But it’s like putting together a hollow chocolate bunny.

 

It’s that I don’t have substance or depth – I just haven’t been COMPLETE or whole. And I’ve lived in that skewed reality for soooooo long that I don’t remember anymore what it’s like to be a whole person – and that scares me.

 

Two weeks ago, we sat in the Dream Room at my awesome work place. To call it “work” doesn’t really capture what this place is and what we do. It’s like Disneyland for business – and nerds 🙂 We have a Dream Room – nuff said.

 

My team had a dream session with our dream manager: Goal – to dream…and to dream BIG…get outside our comfort zones…then reconvene 2 weeks later with a list of dreams so we can take the next steps to making them come true. #WishUponAStar

 

I started making my list, and anytime a certain dream made me uncomfortable (i.e. “that’ll never happen”) I wrote it down. Prior to last Friday, October 29, my list looked like this:

  • Youngest, Middlest, and Oldest to be able to travel with me and to be able to come to Rocky Point with Captain Amazing and me.
  • Make $100,000 annually and keep growing that until (see the third item).
  • Fix my shoulder.
  • Create the business that Captain Amazing and I always talk about – and that business earns over $13,000,000 in revenue annually and ultimately monthly.
  • Captain Amazing manages my wealth, and it earns enough money from his mad skills that I don’t have to work anymore, but I still want to because I love what I do.
  • Walk The Camino – Round Trip
  • Plan, attend, lead other retreats worldwide.
  • New Car that I OWN – and 1 for Middlest and 1 for Youngest …Plus a fun car that I own…no payments…and someone I can rely upon to handle all of the maintenance on it so that I don’t have to worry about that stuff.
  • Play tennis again consistently.
  • Employee of the month.
  • A new position at work created for me 🙂
  • Write, publish, and sell my books –
  • A “Personal Team” – in which it’s a family but without the traditional headaches of a family – Completely new invention of what a “family” is and what a “couple” is:  with a new house with a “man cave” and “woman cave” for private time for the adults…further defined as the blog has been laid out (See My Radical Views of Relationships, Voices And Other Things In My Mouth)
    • House on a beach (beaches)
    • House on a lake North to escape the summer heat.
  • Bodyfat percent of 18% because I lift weights appropriately, do an appropriate amount of cardio, have a personal trainer that I see every day, and a personal chef who plans out my food so I don’t have to do it.
    • True Confession: Pose in Playboy when I turn 50 (I wrote that gem down when I was 18) – Although I’d like to do that the first time at age 47 and then be a recurring guest.
  • Spend more social time with people that I like on a consistent basis.
  • Restore my neural pathways to undo traumatic damage.
  • Equine therapy (although I think I’d be really outstanding at this)
  • Skydiving
  • Travel the world – seeking adventure, but also writing about it, podcasting about it. Maybe for a whole year (depends on the formation of the PERSONAL TEAM and how the Monthly Revenue shakes out – because I want them on these journeys)…
  • Retreats – this has been a recurrent dream that is currently in negotiation with one of my clients. I tried to get that off the ground as a business, but I was in “desperation” mode, and dreams don’t come true in “desperation” mode.
  • Plan more vacation and more time off so that I can have more of a life.
  • Continue to add to this list
  • Be a public speaker – Ted Talk and Wisdom 2.0 – More importantly, The Moth.
  • Go to Turkey for Maya’s detox program – Attend her certification in Kundalini Yoga.
  • Go to a 4-week intensive fitness, yoga, mega healthy retreat.
  • Go to Bali and write with Mastin Kipp
  • The winning lottery ticket for the carpool duo.

I put some of the things in motion as I was writing them down. Ironically last Friday, my car broke, to the point that it may be totaled. I think the trauma was internalized.

Captain Amazing rescued me – so good!

I’m now carpooling to work, spending quality time with someone I like very much, and with whom I can have elevated discussion.

I am close to picking up enough clients to satisfy the extra $50,000 I need to hit the $100,000 annual, so now I’m growing that.

I did reach out to my tennis coach, but I had to cancel that lesson. Regrouping on that one.

And then…I found out that I’d been nominated for employee of the month – While I didn’t win ultimately, the magical list is doing it’s thing.

…to be continued…

 

The Double-Stuffed Cream Filling – Part 1

This is the first of two stories that actually took place in the delicious creamy center between the outer edges of my February Oreo cookie (Anti-VD and Week of Disease) –

Happiest Little Boy & Blue

On Monday, February 16th, I arrived at my lovely client’s beautiful home (castle), and she pointed to the corner of the room. She asked me if I would like it –

She knows my real boyfriend is a 2-year-old I run around with, and he’s the Happiest Little Boy (HLB).

Note: I call HLB my “boyfriend,” and we are truly, madly in love each other!! I have thing for younger guys 😉

A couple of weeks ago, his dad, his uncle, HLB and I met up to go hiking, and I hadn’t seen him in a couple of weeks. When he saw me, he jumped from his dad’s arms and ran to me, and he hugged my legs so tight, like he would never let go, and I picked him up and smothered him with sweet kisses!

He’s the bestest boyfriend I have ever had!! (Same rules apply – Must be FUN, say anything, no drama, no judgment, etc.)

We even have a song! Whenever I hear “I Choose You” by Sara Bareilles, I think of him…more so for the beat than for the lyrics.

Anyway, when I saw what my client was pointing to in the corner of the room, I gasped. My hands flew to my mouth and I giggled with sheer delight – “OH MY GOSH!!!” I exclaimed. “Happiest Little Boy would love that so much!! THANK YOU!!!”

It stood about 3 feet tall, at least. I picked it up and squeezed it. It was so soft and squishy, and it made my heart so happy and filled my soul with such joy – I could not wait until HLB saw it.

I dreamed about what he would do first and all the great games he would play –

He has an active imagination that doesn’t stop or even slow down. When we are in the “upstairs” area of the fort, he makes me pizza and hamburgers, and every bolt becomes a knob to turn or a button to push.

I kept his gift in the back seat of my car for a couple of days until I had to go downtown (cream filling story #2!) – and then decided I’d better take it into my apartment –

I thought, “Someone might want to steal it because it’s so awesome!”

I just hugged it and squeezed it as I carried it upstairs. 

“This is the greatest thing, ever!”

When my daughters came home, I showed it to them. They each hugged it and squeezed and had the same feeling I had – “This is amazing! Maybe we should keep it.”

On Sunday, Youngest and I arrived at HLB’s house. Youngest was going to do some chores and entertain HLB while we so-called adults pretended to be adults (work-type stuff, not adult play-type stuff). 

We knocked on the door and heard the locks rattling. Clearly HLB was opening the door himself, doing his best to reach the deadbolt. 

He threw the door open and saw what was in my arms – He grabbed it and ran to the living room, where he proceeded to wrestle with the giant dog and smother it with kisses. 

“That is awesome!!” said his dad. “Where did you get that?”

I told him the story of how this biggest softest awesomest giant stuffed Saint Bernard joined our lives, which looked very similar to this picture below, only bigger and with a big red ribbon bow-tie collar.

stuffed_saint_bernard

As I finished the story, HLB came running up to me: “Mindy, Mindy, come see Blue.”

Awwwww….he named it already!!!!

He grabbed my hand and took me to where Blue was sitting. He said, “Sit on Blue’s lap.” 

As I went to sit down, he said, “Wait – Blue is pooping.” 

I laughed out loud!

Kids in potty training really think of nothing else.

Then he said, “Ok, he’s done….See?” He moved Blue toward the wall where the television cable was (the cable, no TV), so he could give Blue a pretend shower with the pretend hose.

And there I saw where Blue had been “pooping” – a quarter! 

I died of happiness! 

What a perfect pet – It is soft and squishy without shedding; it doesn’t bark or bite; and it poops money!!! 

oopooh

We played tackle with Blue and took Blue into the fort, and wrestled and snuggled until we were all worn out, and Blue needed a nap (um…and the rest of us!)

And that is the sweet, sweet cream filling story #1 that makes my life the tastiest – The story of Happiest Little Boy and His Dog Named Blue – 

Best Anti-VD “Love Yourself” Day AND The Week Of Disease

It’s like two oxymorons rolled into one –

First – I miss my blog sooooo much! I’ve been so busy making a living that journaling my life has been riding in the back seat rather than shotgun.

I am going to work backwards today, which is not too unusual. I do a lot of things backwards.

The Week Of Disease

Today is my final sick day – My final day of being home-bound with what may be the flu, if I can just self-diagnose. The dizziness remains, which I would be more concerned about except Middlest has the disease too and she is also dizzy.

In my week of sickness, Captain Amazing did play Trivia Crack with me – He has yet to beat me 🙂 It has been a battle of wits, and he has come unarmed. Ha ha ha!!

I believe my kids have accepted his role in my life, even though he and I haven’t yet defined terms as other than just “something awesome that we don’t see ending, yet we are not tied down or labeled but reserve the right to tie each other up.”

It’s a long title but we have a lot of ground to cover.

Anyway, I told Youngest this morning that I was enjoying my sick day with her company today, although I was really grateful that I spent the other days alone. I said to her, “I am actually glad I’m single because I didn’t have to take care of anybody else but myself.”

“So you consider yourself single?” she asked.

I said, “Yeah. I am not married, and I live alone except when you’re with me.”

She said, “Yes, but there’s this other little annoying bug called [Captain Amazing] – Explain that.”

I paused and wondered why am I still receiving snarky relationship advice from my youngest daughter.

“Can I blog what you said?” I asked her.

She said, “Of course. I’ll text him for you too.”

**Sigh** Smarty-pants teens.

She really likes him, which warms my heart, and further, she respects him, just as I do. She told me yesterday that she has to do some readathon event at school and that she wanted to ask him what book she should read.

“Is that ok?” she asked me.

“Of course. You can text him and ask him,” I said.

She did…and then she said to me, “Mom, your boyfriend is being a tool.”

“He’s not my boyfriend – Stop calling him that!!” I said (please note that I was offended by the use of “boyfriend” and not by the use of “tool.” – She knows this; therefore, she continues to call him “boyfriend” just to see how I cringe at that word.) “Why? What did he say?”

She said, “Well, I asked him what books I should read, and he said, ‘Dr. Seuss.'”

She and I cracked up!!

Going back a couple of days then, I started not feeling well a week ago, dizziness and just weirdness, which I understand may not be new symptoms for me. However, Captain Amazing looked at me across the table at dinner and asked, “Are you feeling ok? You don’t look well.” 

I said, “I think I’m just hungry.” Famous last words …

The next day, Sunday, my head started feeling dizzier and weirder. Youngest and I had gone over to his house to hang out, help with some chores (avoiding our own, of course), but every time I bent over to pull a weed, I felt like I was going to fall.

He had gone to run an errand, so I mainly just wanted him to drive up while I was bent over pulling weeds. Perhaps the view would hit him where it counts, you know? I like it when he squirms in his jeans and we have covert conversations in mixed company. 

I just like to create an enjoyable environment – keeping it real.  The next day was to be our “date night” and I always make sure, within my area of control, that “date night” exceeds expectations 😉

However, after lunch, which I did not partake in because I was not hungry, Youngest and I decided we need to go. I felt like I needed to lie down, and she had homework.

After a short nap, it was evident by the gushing nose, extreme dizziness, and body aches that I was not “hungry” or “tired,” – I had caught some kind of germ bug. I immediately texted the next day’s clients to inform them, and they all canceled.

During my bed rest the next day, Monday, I knew I wasn’t going to make it anywhere, so I asked him to call me. We talked and I explained the situation, stating of course, that he could bend me over so as not to be exposed to my germs. In the end, we decided I should stay home…where I have remained for 6 days.

BEST Anti-VD “Love Yourself” Day

I have a new doctor friend checking on me – ordering me around – Dr. Z. He’s excited to be a character in the blog…Let’s all give him a warm welcome – Hi Dr. Z!!!

He and I met in the fall or last summer, can’t remember, but I’m sure I blogged about a shooting date. Anyway, it wasn’t until Anti-VD Day that we actually had quality conversation.

The story of this little adventure began the Tuesday prior to February 14th, when Captain Amazing and I were quickly finishing coffee and gather up our work things so we could depart in a timely manner.

I asked him, “So what do you have planned this weekend?”

He said, “Hmm, I think I have a dinner Friday night, maybe something Sunday night, which is not set in stone. I don’t have kids. Why?”

I said, “I don’t have kids either, and I don’t have in-person clients. I just have a few writing deadlines, and I would like to do something.”

He pulled out his handy-dandy cell phone with calendar and looked up his weekend agenda…he scrolled and found Friday…then he saw it…

“Oh!” he said with disgust. “Saturday is Valentine’s Day.”

“Yeah,” I said, equally morosely, “but that’s purely coincidence. I don’t celebrate that holiday.”

He said, “Neither do I. You do realize that we have to break up on Friday, right?”

I cracked up! “Well we could just get the toys out and take care of ourselves next to each other and dirty text from opposite sides of the room!”

He burst out laughing and high-fived me; he said he was going to share that with the guys at work.

I wish you could hear his laugh because it’s awesome!

I said, “Well, see what you can come up with and we’ll chat later.” …and then our usual “have a great day” stuff…

…Friday the 13th came around and I received a grand text: “You up for shooting Saturday at 3 with Dr. Z and me?”

My reply: YES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

His reply: Cool.

I was told to bring my happy self 🙂

My Friday the 13th was quite adventurous and long – and by the time I got home around 5:30ish, I ate, put The LEGO Movie on, and fell asleep.

Saturday the 14th, I woke up around 3:30 am to begin the monster writing project that I needed to complete. It was a lot of tedious copying and pasting links for marketing emails, so I decided to have movies on –

I positioned my Ipad next to me, fired up Netflix, and settled in on Notting Hill to launch my Anti-VD Love Myself Day marathon – Just so I have something chickish to say that I watched because I know the girls out there just think I’m too weird. Spike is my favorite character, hands down. Classic.

I followed that selection up with Terminator 2, the movie that inspired me to have great arms. Linda Hamilton demonstrated that a woman could be a badass, kick ass, and not look like a bodybuilder.

Linda-Hamilton-workout-T2

…and then I started Mission Impossible 2 – Just because…

I finished my project by 2pm, showered, selected a pink tank top and my jeans, and went to meet the guys.

When I arrived at the shooting range, I was not greeted by just 2 men – but 3!!!!

Ahhh, what other woman can boast such an encounter on Valentine’s Day???

My shooting was looking sharp, especially toward the end the session, when Captain Amazing instructed me to fire the 3 remaining clips, while he walked his brother out, and if he was not back, Dr. Z would walk me out.

I unleashed my determination and bullets all in the center of that target. I was so happy and proud, and I had to show him my target. I even received a compliment in the lobby! “Nice shooting!” said the super hot stranger.

“Thank you! – I know, right?” I replied.

We walked out to the cars, where Dr. Z said, “She can come.” 

Captain Amazing looked at me – probably with a bit of debate in his head – and he said, “I’m going to Dr. Z’s to watch the UFC fight. Want to come?” 

“YES!!!!!!!!” I said.

They both looked at me kind of funny. I’m too old to even care if I’m inviting myself along to something I want to go to, even if it is a guys’ night out.

“You like that?” they both asked.

“Yes, surprising right?” I said. “I was surprised too, but yes I do, and I know Ben Henderson.” 

So the stage was set for the ultimate “guys-night-out plus me.” My life rocks!!

We had to make one stop before we hit Dr. Z’s house –

I met Captain Amazing at his house so we could drive to Dr. Z’s together. He grabbed his things to put them away and as we were walking in the house, he handed me an envelope….with my name on it….

???????????????

“Is this from you?” I asked him in disbelief.

“Yeah,” he replied.

“Holy shit!!!!”  I exclaimed.

The gesture was so unexpected that I was utterly unprepared. I didn’t know quite what to do. I put the envelope, which clearly contained a card, into my purse. I decided to let it sit. Since I wasn’t expecting it, I wanted to have a little anticipation…a little buildup for the big moment when I would open the envelope’s contents and see what he had been thinking about …Intrigue….

The thing is – I was happy with just the envelope 🙂 – Don’t tell him I said that!

In the car, driving to our first stop, he asked me a quasi-serious question – “What are your relationship goals?”

WTF?????!!!!!! Really? A card on Valentine’s Day and now this??? Shitty shit.

“Um, let me think…This is it,” I said. “I really don’t have any. I know that sounds kind of under-achieving but I don’t believe in goals when it comes to this stuff. I want to ride things out and see where they go.”

“Yeah, I know,” he said, “and I’m not asking for me.”

????????

“My position has not changed,” he said.

“I know,” I said. “I’m just really happy that it’s lasted more than a year and I’m happy that I’m happy…and I really like you.”

“Me too,” he said. “I really like you too. I’m just not ready to be tied down.”

“I know,” I said.

…and then we arrived at our first stop…did our quick errand…and then off to Dr. Z’s house.

We arrived at his beautiful house, accompanied by Jack Daniel’s, and the three of us immediately began a great evening of dining and conversation. I was nonstop chatter –

…and inside my head, I noted that I was spending my Valentine’s Day with two handsome and successful men. My life rocks!!

The food was great! The fights were great! It was such a great time. I did let my lack of filters go crazy – Dr. Z noted how overpaid the ring girls are.

“I don’t know,” I said. “Think about how hard she had to work…”

He said, “Ok??”

I said, “She had to give a lot of blow jobs to get that position!”

The guys howled with laughter – Apparently that was quite unexpected. Dr. Z said he was expecting something really profound. 🙂  Could have been, depending on how you look at it.

The fights were finished (Ben won!!), and it was time to go home. I had been awake for 20 hours (high-five me!), so I was a little dozy.

…and fell asleep before my head hit the pillow…and I slept in!!! …. until 8:45!!!! That’s unheard of! I was so proud of myself!

“Do you want coffee?” I asked Captain Amazing, as I said good morning.

He said, “How about 20 more minutes in bed, and I’ll take you out for breakfast.”

DEAL!

And then I remembered – THE CARD.

I waited for about 15 minutes, and then I got up and went to my purse. I carefully opened the envelope.

vdcard

I pulled out the card and looked at the front, and I started laughing so hard!

vdcard2

And the inside read:  “Thinking of you at this sad time and wishing you comfort.” …”Happy Valentine’s Day”

I was dying! THE BEST CARD EVER!!!

I went back to the bed and thanked him for the card. He died laughing too. “I totally forgot! I have to tell you the story of when I bought it.”

“Ok,” I said, and settled in for the story.

“I was at the store and finally decided on this one, and when I was checking out, the cashier said, ‘I’m sorry,’ and I said, ‘Oh, it’s a Valentine for a girl I’m seeing.’ She said, ‘Oh, I see’ and gave me a funny look, and then I said, ‘I had to break up with 3 other girls so I only had to buy 1 card.'”

We both howled!!!! I was laughing so hard!!!! THE BEST! I’ve told that story at least 20 times, and it never gets old, although I’m not sure everyone appreciates it just as much as I do.

We settled from the fit from laughter – and then played hard – and settled in from that too 🙂

I said, “I won’t tie you down.”

He looked at me.

“But I might want to tie you up occasionally,” I added.

“DEAL!!” he said.

Since it’s the last day of the month and a Saturday – More fitting words were never spoken than whisky distiller Jack Daniel’s last words, which were “One last drink, please.”

So here’s to new friendships (Dr. Z – Welcome to the Blog), outstanding lifetime ones (whatever we choose to call it), Tools and Quick-Hardening Caulk, and a toast to all my guy friends for making February the best month of the year.

 

And a huge hug and thanks to my beloved clients and well-wishers!! I was single and alone during my sickness but not lonely. I feel so incredibly blessed! xoxo

The Audience of 1000

The cherry on top of the day after the last day of the second shittiest week of 2014 was a Brazilian wax –

That’s how I celebrated that my personal hell was over – With a woman with blue bangs whom I’d never met before plucking every strand of hair from my body parts – 

I also FINALLY PLAYED – and removed the “under” from “underfunned” by hanging out with all my favorite boys and my two best girls.

The first shittiest week of 2014 occurred last January in Hawaii – which was tainted with such enormous negativity that I wanted to hurl myself into the ocean with the hope that it would swallow me whole…

…and then spit me out, so I could come back as a mermaid. #splash

This last week, the shittiness was all on me and my body, the perfect storm of emotional triggers, demonic possession, and 1000 pain receptors going haywire all at once, and all surrounding a holiday and birthdays…

Basically, this period felt like Quentin Tarantino directed it

#tmi #fml

I always forget how much I dislike those…periods, holidays and birthdays…This year, it was a trifecta.

…every year, however, holidays and birthdays trick me – They say, “This is your year – THE year that you’ll discover why people love holidays and birthdays so much.”

NOT!

Nothing says bah-humbug quite like a nomadic single – and nothing feels quite as tribeless as a girl with a new tribe who all have other families. Big fat bummer.

I also made a couple of catastrophic mistakes.

I’m not sure why I continue to fuck up so royally. It would be really helpful if I stopped.

Here’s a secret: When the red devil is possessing my body, I do have satanic dreams…

aether possession

Dreams nightmares about what it would be like to have a “traditional” life where I “fit in” – have a “traditional” mom/daughter relationship with my girls, get a REAL job (whatever THAT means), and have a “boyfriend” –

…and that maybe I should be doing THAT with my life instead of remaining somewhat tribeless and bucking the system….

…while I lead this revolution against the suburban zombie apocalypse like I’m Joan Of Arc or Katniss Everdeen.

When did I volunteer as Tribute? Who signed me up to be the Mocking Jay?

But I wouldn’t even know what to do with that if I had that – What if I had a “traditional” life with a traditional “boyfriend”  – with all the labels that accompany that: leashes, dog tags, obligations…

Do I just kiss him and then leave him alone in the corner?
How often does it eat???

The week began like this: I was leaving my final client’s appointment after 11 hours of work at that point which was 6 p.m. – and I could feel exhaustion and desperation setting in –

Earlier in the day, I had noted that I was overworked and underfunned –

That is not the best space for me to be invading.

…and I could hear the ocean taunting me. Keep in mind, I live in Arizona.

I was thinking, “I need a vacation – I need a break before I break.”

…so I entered the week with a frame of mind, body, and spirit of uncontrollable burnout.

Second, Captain Amazing and I had been brainstorming about a project I’m pretty excited about. It could be enormously profitable and fun – and I want stacks of cash in my bank account – and funness.

He was describing a position – and how being in that position would maximize certain pleasure centers, and he would then demonstrate how eye contact could be made, creating and keeping “connection.”

I realized, silently in my head, “Hmmm…I don’t do that…”

…and then I got a little bit sad. I’ve only opened my eyes and made that connection with one person.

*Note, that one connection was not with the man I was married to –  probably one of the 1000 reasons I’m not. 

I have had sporadic attempts to open my eyes in the last few months … usually while he explores my juicy little peach

…all while telling myself this lie – that I keep my eyes closed so that I can feel more…

The truth is, I feel less – 

“That is the point,” said the commitmentphobe in the front row.

So after his comment, I had a little chat with myself and said, “Self – put your big girl panties on and open your fucking eyes. Keep them open.”

Of course, I think I’m invincible and that I can handle it. #wonderwoman

I thought, “I could dive in, just a bit.”

I was so wrong. I did complete the task successfully – in action – I kept my eyes open the whole time, but the results were less than favorable.

I was shaking, crying, nauseous, and my chest hurt.

The entire next day, I was overcome with waves of indescribable feelings, sheer panic, shortness of breath, uncontrollable shaking, nausea, and debilitating pain – with a red hot ball of lead just under my belly button…

…and my uterus cried – not just gentle tears, but convulsive sobs.

Thank you, Quentin Tarantino..

I don’t know how “girls” do this – all this feelings crap – I really don’t.

So I was in bed by 8 p.m. on my birthday (Wednesday) because of the pain and feeling like a bewildered nothing

 Reminder: If I know what I bring to the table, it’s okay to eat alone.

Sure I now have an audience of over 1000 on Twitter and on Facebook; I got about 200 birthday notes on Facebook and about 20 texts wishing me a happy birthday…but I was missing the only one that really I wanted.

The first phone call I received was by a gorgeous man who left an an awesome message, took me out for lunch, called me later, emailed me, and texted me.

I still felt like a nothing?why?

…a nothing with a whole lotta pain and mystifying disappointment…and then a bit anger??

I was truly pisstified.

pisstified

After I had gone to bed at 8, Youngest came in to gently awaken me and tell me that I had received a text – and that ironically it had nothing to do with my birthday.

I very groggily said, “Set the phone down.”

And then another text came in. She said, “Oh here’s another birthday text.”

I went back to sleep…until Youngest and Middlest were goofing around, and I heard a crash and a blood-curdling scream.

I jumped out of bed and went to the girls faster than Superman…I don’t know how I did it – I had probably been bitten by a bit Kryptonite.

I lifted the drawers that had fallen, moved Youngest to the bed while Middlest got ice…I put the ice on her back – Youngest was fine.

However, I was doubled over in severe pain and thought I was going to pass out or vomit or both.

I made a mad dash to the bathroom with the speed of a 90-year-old crippled sloth, and realized that I had injured my knee in the giant leap from my bed to the other room.

SHIT!

I hobbled back to bed, texted a reply, and we all tucked in for the night.

Then the girls and I began the teenage delirious overtired giggle-fest…and I remembered that the night before, Youngest had punched me in the boob while we were sleeping.

I told her this – I said, “It didn’t feel like an elbow as you were rolling over – It felt like you sat up and punched me with your fist. IT HURT SO BAD.”

She replied, “Like this?” and sat up on her knees, both fists above her head and yelled, “FOR NARNIA,” and then motioned as if she was stabbing me in the chest.

We died laughing.

It’s a thing now.

The good news is, I didn’t get a mix CD for my birthday this year that crushes my soul every time I hear it.

Bad news, I didn’t get an orgasm either….the one thing I actually wanted for my birthday –

I hope there is a raincheck floating around out there!

Stupid body – Stupid everything else!

I hate doors!!

So the next day was Thanksgiving…and I had trouble making a gratitude list. The pain was so bad and I was holding back tears.

I received a “Happy Thanksgiving” text, to which I replied, “Bah humbug. I should have had you get me drugs in Mexico. FML.”

“What’s FML?” he asked.

“Fuck my life,” I replied.

He texted back, “??? You ok?”

I spent 30 minutes typing a response, deleting it, retyping it, and deleting it, until finally I said, “Apparently not, since it took about 30 minutes to come up with a reply. Is it too early to drink? Can I borrow a cigarette?”

He called me and we talked a bit. I felt sick.

Middlest and I decided to go to the gym anyway. I just loaded myself up on pain meds so that I could push myself through this hell.

I had been taking 4 Advil per dose plus “the other stuff” so I could numb myself enough to rejoin the ranks of unicorn status so I could run again…

…run like a vampire from 1000 burning suns…

I liked the “other stuff.” I was afraid it would make me queasy or hallucinate, but it didn’t make me sick until it wore off –

…and then the pain became more than I could bear – and the hallucinations kicked in, and I thought I could successfully sext anyone on Twitter.

And then the pain and anger transformed into white hot RAGE.

anger

So I decided to rage quit. #ragequit

I had a white hot rage workout Saturday in which I beat the shit out of the basketball court with a 12-pound medicine ball –

I swear officer, I only emptied the clip in the interest of thoroughness.

I also FINALLY felt like I needed to talk to someone – but who?

I needed honest objectivity, and no woman was really going to give me that. They were going to side with the irrational hormones that were running amok, and I didn’t want to hear that.

…nor did I want to be subjected to 1000 rounds of male bashing…when I knew the answer was all within me.

Women do not understand the non-emotional workings of logic, and THAT makes me crazy. I cannot rely upon the vast majority of women to be my “go-to” anyones for any kind of advice on any subject matter at all.

…talk about feeling like a tribeless nothing…

I still needed to talk. I hadn’t spoken about the true source of my pain, except for how I hurt my knee.

…so I turned toward my teens – who are, in fact, my most objective and honest “peers” and understand how my mind works.

Middlest said, “Mom, you’re acting like a teenage girl, PLUS you have raging hormones.”

I said, “I know – and I’m not a girl!”

She said, “I know you’re not, so stop it.”

SLAP * SLAP * SLAP * SLAP * SLAP * SLAP

She gave my emptiness a name.

Closeness shouldn’t lead to disappointment, overwhelm, and excruciating pain that requires prescription pain medication – It was the demon hormones.

Sunday arrived- FINALLY – The red devil had finally been exorcised through my excessive exercising – my Brazilian was on the books, along with another lunch meeting –

…and I received an unexpected delight – a good morning with an invitation to breakfast.

Huh?

Awesome! Life was back to normal.

Breakfast was fun – except I didn’t have much of an appetite – The highlight was the “sausage incident,” which scarred my girls-

I’ve never laughed quite so hard having a sausage forcefully shoved into my mouth like that – repeatedly…

…then again, boys will be boys…

I used that situation as a teaching opportunity for Middlest – I told her they all do that. She said, “Mommy NO.”

I said, “Who else is going to be straight up and honest about what to expect?”

She said, “Good point.”

On the way to school to school today, we talked philosophically about hugging messy kids with food and dirt all over their faces.

I explained that it’s better to learn to be messy when you’re a kid – because you have to learn it at some point in your life – It might as well be when someone can help you clean up.

It’s like learning to fall down, like falling from a bike…you have to learn it and you will – It’s better learn when you’re small – It doesn’t hurt as much, and it’s easier to get up.

Then they said together, “Mom, we need to have an intervention.”

“Why,” I asked.

Middlest said, “Because you have feelings.

I said, “No I don’t.”

Youngest said, “We’ve been meaning to talk to you. You were mushy yesterday.”

I said, rather defensively, “I was NOT. I didn’t do anything remotely mushy.”

Then they made fun of me saying how cute HLB (Happiest Little Boy) is.

I said, “Well he is!”

Now I really have to rage quit!!

Radical Views Of Relationships

Aka – The Philosophical Evolution of Relationshits to Awesomeships.

I was having lunch with Mr. KC the other day.

So it was a business lunch, but he also asked me, or I may have offered up, my opinion on relationships, which in essence hasn’t changed much since he and I entertained each other. I’m just able to express it more clearly – articulate it effectively – with confidence.

Mr. KC asked: What is the difference between this and any other thing I’ve been in before? How is it that I can be fully self-expressed?

My philosophy takes up more than one post, and I have discussed this before, but I’ll do my best to summarize…

…because Captain Amazing and I have created something awesome, at least I think so. It definitely works for me.

I would love to see a radical change in how and why people enter into these things – I’ve assisted with online dating profiles and set friends up – but there has been something fundamentally missing.

I can lay out the principles and my opinions on relationships, but before undertaking anything, you have to have an intimate relationship with YOURSELF

Furthermore, you should have a mad, wildly passionate love affair with yourself, because you can’t really know what you want or how to ask for it if you don’t know who you are and what you truly love, what you are willing to experiment with, and how you communicate.

That all comes from a higher place – Not from a place of filling an empty hole with a warm body because society tells you that you should be striving for that.

Here is the brief checklist of the basic principles.

  • Friends first.
  • We want to be here.
  • Great sex, experimental, fun.
  • Safe environment to speak freely, no judgment.
  • Exit clause – if it is no longer fun, if it is boring, if there is drama or too much stress, we go back to the first principle (friends)* – Honor the exit as enlightened respectful adults.
  • No crazy, no drama.
  • No complacency, no obligation.

*Note this addendum: To pursue another, there must be life-enhancement – no backsliding.

What I want for me personally – Love, respect, and multiple orgasms – It’s really that simple.

I know who I am and what I want. I am not very interested in what other people think. But I’m asked the question a lot.

The secret to failure is to try to please everyone.

Please note, that I will only speak for myself – I won’t put words into Captain Amazing’s mouth or speak on his behalf.

But I can say that we have discussed all of the following, much of it before we entertained entertaining each other – and sealed it with a kiss, because as you know, if he sucked at kissing, he wasn’t going to be invited to my party.

My time is precious. How I spend my time and with whom I spend that time create the tapestry of my life.

My life is valuable. I want only the highest quality life…small doses of fineness are fine…But I will not settle for complacency.

Let me also say that even though it is not called a “relationship” – It is a very meaningful “thing” to me, and it enhances my life.

It’s not something I’m “in” because I’m bored or I have nothing better to do. I am emotionally, intellectually, and physically stimulated. (My physical stimulation pleases him greatly – so happy about that!!)

It is actually such an awesome “thing” that a word hasn’t yet been invented to describe it’s awesomeness. I’ve studied (well, briefly looked up) other languages to see if other people of the world have figured this out.

Curiously, the Latins (those who speak Latin) defined the terms the way I see them  –

The Latin word for love is amare and friend is amicus or amica – derivatives.

Relationship: affinitas…not so bad.

Marriage: matrimonium (even my kids say that sounds horrible – I know right??!!)

As I describe this “thing” – It has been understood by my audience to be meaningless, nonchalant, extremely casual, and “take-it-or-leave-it.”

Um…no it isn’t – at least not for me. I can honestly say that I am “all in,” whatever that means, whatever that looks like, without a timeline or an agenda.

The greatest hindrance to living is expectancy, which depends upon [tomorrow] and wastes today.

And if it were to end, I would be crushed – not gonna lie.

But I also don’t worry about that at all. That’s like missing somebody who is standing right in front me. I won’t waste my time fretting about something that may or may not happen.

So I’m “all in” regardless – because the alternative is not acceptable. I’m the best version of me because of this indescribable friendship – and I believe that he is worth it.

He is worth my time – I am also worth that time. One secret to success is the SELECTION – and expressing our unique capabilities (like my flexibility and stimulatability – I can make up words).

The “thing” is the byproduct of the time spent – and the quality of that time – on things that actually matter – not the quantity of time just to fill a void.

Another secret to success is selecting the proper boundaries and making adjustments. So the “thing” does not define us – we define it.

I don’t require proof that he exists in day-to-day life. Of course, I enjoy his company and I am very excited to get a note or a call from him, but I am not so insecure that I require him to say daily, “Hey look at me over here,” nor do I expect him to.

Therefore, we do not talk, text, or email every day – We have shit to do, careers, kids, and it’s ok. But when we do  – I appreciate that time and do not take it for granted.

I do not question the space – again I don’t fret over it – Do I expect or want him to put me above all other things in his life? HELL NO!! NEVER – that would be so horrible and dysfunctional. That’s addictive behavior.

I do send him funnies in his email though – mainly because he has a lot of stress and it makes me feel happy to do that – I like to make him laugh.

My intention is not attention. I would send him the funnies anonymously.

I’m not looking for or wanting co-dependency or a caretaker. I don’t need health insurance or a retirement plan to be provided to me by the man I’m spending my precious time with – I can provide those things for myself, thanks.

I respect his opinion and advice on these matters, however.

I don’t want to be somebody’s responsibility – and I don’t want to be responsible for a grown man.

Responsiveness – YES, but not responsibility for.

There is a huge difference – a fundamental shift in awareness – between the two. Even with raising kids, it should be that the responsibility for them as dependents is not permanent. As they grow, actions and behaviors become responsive to others rather than controlled by others.

Is it better to have someone forced to be in your life? Or is it better that he/she chooses to be in your life? 

So the way I see it, this is a higher-level of enlightened thinking and feeling – and it is more of an unconscious “dance.” While I don’t speak on his behalf, I obviously believe that his intentions are likewise…or it wouldn’t work.

Furthermore, it’s actually more powerful and more meaningful than the “run of the mill” relationshits being entertained and striven for these days, and certainly better than marriage, as evidenced by the cavalier manner that marriage or similar is entertained.

To me, marriage is meaningless and NOT the pinnacle of a successful friendship/datingship thing.

“Marriage” or similar is not truly living in the momentRather, it is existing in limbo, fearing that the other person may leave and preventing him/her from doing so, and actually preparing for their departure, while at the same time, shackling a label on the other person and essentially requiring that they do not live a life fulfilled outside of the union.

They form their purposes with a view to the distant future; yet postponement is the greatest waste of life; it deprives them of each day as it comes, it snatches from them the present by promising something hereafter.

I require and possess a trust and respect that most people need a piece of paper and a lawyer to enforce  –

If that future doesn’t come for them, they become disgruntled, take each other to court, feel their investment in that future was wasted – when really, if each moment together was spent in blissful harmony, there would be no reason to look beyond that moment –

There is nothing bigger or better than that present moment.

I know that this is a novel way of thinking because I’m having to explain it.

Can anything be sillier than the point of view of certain people—They keep themselves very busily engaged in order that they may be able to live better … they spend life [getting] ready to live.

,..and I’ve been accused of thinking very little of myself – as if I’m not worthy of marriage. On the contrary, I don’t think marriage is worthy of me.

 

 

quote material above from “On The Shortness of Life” by Lucius Seneca

 

 

Speaking Of…

Speaking of…Oh Shit, Was That Today??

In the game of life, we swing like a pendulum. This post is to counteract all of the sickening sweetness that has befallen my blog.

Where’s the crass? Where are the sounds of orgasmic pleasure?

It might not be for everyone – Just saying – You may want to browse the sappy section if you are easily offended by explicit gratuitous nonsense, bad jokes, and whatever else I decide is funny to me today.

Everyone has an inner child. Chuck Norris ate his for breakfast.

The edge is calling my name – I might just put non-dishwasher-safe stuff in the dishwasher just to see what happens.

Someone said to me: Don’t fall in love – You might get hurt.

I replied: Don’t live – You might die.

I will be 900 years old on my next birthday in a couple of weeks, and my best friend is Yoda; however, when it comes to my career, passions, and purpose – I kinda feel like Ariel in The Little Mermaid

I don’t think it’s because I’m hanging out here shirtless – But I might have to rethink the tail…

Like Ariel, I wanna be where the people are – and sing about it, write about it, comb my hair with a fork.

I also collect all kinds of nonsensical crap – Some are funny things that I send to Captain Amazing because he does not participate in Twitter or Facebook or Instagram –

He’s on Fantasy Football, My Blog, and ME – not necessarily in that order, depending on the time, day, week, or season…

…Simply functioning in one position is boring anyway…just saying.

I’ve reviewed my latest blog posts to see if any are worth his eyes glancing upon them – or nawhh –

I think someone chopped down a maple tree that landed on my blog – extremely sappy – …and sap is my Kryptonite…

I need to shift gears and get out of this SHITUATION (love that word) – and rekindle my superpower of sarcasm.

Speaking of my superpowers – I found them – they were on my head with my sunglasses.

– and my Pinterest seems to be going viral. I had over 100 repins in the last 12 hours.

My phone has been lighting up like a Christmas Tree – or like a sign in Vegas.

At any rate, my inner snark has been awakened 🙂 So happy…

Here’s a little adventure – To see if I can string together some of my favorite bits of nonsense over the last couple of days into a story. #challengeaccepted

This morning, I walked to Starbucks to fetch my coffee. I was a little late because I decided to actually wipe the mascara from under my eyes before I went in –

I was standing in line, and my favorite gals were working, and finally it was my turn. Ms. Barista asked, “Venti blonde roast today?”

I said, “Oh YASSS!!”

She said, “Oh good – I got it ready for you when I saw you walk in,” as she whipped it out from behind the counter. “I was really hoping you weren’t getting something different.”

Excuse me – BARTENDER – Listen up and take notes – I expect our Jack & Diets to be ready for us the second we walk in the door also.

I am an alcohol enthusiast. The more I drink, the more enthusiastic I get.

Speaking of coffee – and I dedicate this to Captain Amazing specifically and his work making millions for the millionaires of this country –

If you see lines of ground coffee on my desk, it’s going to be one of those days. Don’t fuck with me!

Coffee lines

 

So far, I have covered two fond addictions – oh wait, there’s a third.

He texted me this morning, quite unexpectedly, especially because it was 6 a.m. I hadn’t turned the ringer on yet to say “Open For Business.”

Morning! I was just thinking of you and wanted to say hi! Have a great day! 🙂

#holyshit #canteven #feels #fuuuuuuuuuuuck #soawesome

Of course, I giggled and probably did a stupid little dance and squealed “OMG – He likes me!!!”

It’s a new day, so a free-spirited gal who lives in the moment never knows where she stands with a man, just saying. #girlsarecrazy

I live for the moment, but my moment is the hold damn thing.

I immediately locked and loaded my Kryptonian shield to block all those feels and giggles and replied:

Good morning!! Now I’m wet – cold shower time- You have a beautiful day too! Xoxox

Just keepin’ it real…

Speaking of giggles, I did have an amazing initial training session last week with my pleasure personal trainer from LELO – Lola.

She kicked my vagina’s ass! #itsathing

I actually had sore pelvic wall muscles. #wtf

The cure anytime your muscles are sore after a hard workout is to repeat the workout, which I did yesterday.

I began with Lola guiding me through the muscle contraction sequence, and I followed it up with OM – orgasmic meditation.

…just like you would stretch after a run…

It’s a great routine – LADIES – are you listening???

Sex is the sport of champions, and I’m training for my sport – I will be the best. You should be too … just saying … #sportofchampions

I’ve got gadgets and gizmos a-plenty
I’ve got whozits and whatzits galore
You want thingamabobs? – I got 20!

That’s the inventory list of the toy box in Captain Amazing’s closet –

Gentlemen – holidays are coming and you should be tooBest toys for couples – One of my favorite Christmas presents one year was a new vibrator to replace the one I wore out. ❤

Do I still have it?? Well, no…I wore that one out too 🙂 Captain Amazing is so handy that he’ll probably fix it – or give me a new one.

I did take my toy box to his place and mixed it with his toy box – Now there are 25 thingamabobs –

Our bond is strong and unspoken. We look into each other’s eyes and have the same thought. Neither of us has the key to the handcuffs.

Speaking of mixed up, did you know that you can’t spell “menstruation” without “men” or “engagement” without “gag” or “marriage” without “life sentence” ??? – #wtf

Give a man porn, and he’ll masturbate for a day. But give a man a wife, and he’ll masturbate for a lifetime.

Speaking of helping each other out, one of my new BFs on Twitter, @Douchekevin –  is only this cool because he jerked off before he got here – (thanks for unloading your weapon), Kevin (he is that bag, BTW)… 

…He had this bit of advice for the guys as well – just sharing because it is relevant to the topic…

If she’s giving you a blowjob, the least you can do is a scalp massage followed by a french braid. Maybe some highlights if she takes her time.

Speaking of weapons and the holiday season, I have a great idea for how to spend Christmas Eve – The shooting range.

Die Hardis my favorite holiday movie, and what says “Christmas in a cup” better than Fireball cinnamon whiskey and a cinnamon soy latte than an evening shooting Santa Clause targets and wearing this tank top:

fuglyxmas

Ultimately, I want to be buried with a shotgun and a box of shells. Then someday I’ll be the most badass zombie ever. #zombieapocalypse #cantbeatemjoinem

Yippee-ki-yay, motherfucker.

Speaking of motherfucker, Chuck Norris’s body guard is guarded by Chuck Norris.

From Sexcapades to Sweetcapades

Oh just a little bit sappy ❤

…and brief because sappy is just not my thing… On a scale from 1 to Even, I just can’t! #canteven

It’s important to note though – I’m a bit of a spiritual nomad. I haven’t found the root cause for my lack of roots, or more precisely, my aversion to roots…

However, I have found a tribe, so my struggle to use my wings and yet stay grounded is so very real. #thestruggleisreal

I taught myself to live in the very real, very present moment – at least what I consider real – which may be frosted with naivete and immaturity – but I really don’t care.

So each moment is a special little bubble – I rarely look ahead except in fantasy, not in reality, and certainly not when it comes to other people.

Typically my fantasies include me fighting bad guys or visiting faraway places –

My bucket list fantasy with a man, specifically Captain Amazing, is simply a sleep-all-day-sex-all-day sexcapade, which seems simple enough. It hasn’t happened in my lifetime yet, and I was married once.

…well it may have happened when I was married, but I didn’t appreciate life then, as I do now, so I don’t remember it.

I know now, since my true awakening, that each moment I encounter is absolutely precious – a sweetcapade of the highest order.

I spent another Sunday playing all day – I AM SO GRATEFUL! All kids, all fun, hanging upside down, climbing, headstands, cartwheels, chasing garbage trucks (that didn’t exist), running, spinning, laughing, dog-piling.

GRATEFUL, GRATEFUL, GRATEFUL.

My agenda or my goal or my hope or my dream, whatever you want to call it – Is to have my heart touched in such a way that I never forget how amazing this journey has been, how miraculous each moment truly is – I will always remember how I felt with them in my life.

And now I can add that I hope and dream that I will leave (or have already left) a lasting impression on these hearts too – so no matter what happens tomorrow, a year from now, or 10 years from now – they will always remember how they felt with me in their lives, in these moments.

These moments are brief – they are each a bubble filled with magic and happiness – And each one is so special to me.  And their smiles and curious gazes just fill my entire being with warmth and joy.

They may not remember my name years down the road – I don’t know how long we will get to play together –

But I will treat each day that I get to spend with them as the very special gift it is, knowing that the game might have to be called because of darkness, rain, lightning, thunder, or comfort.

I’m terrified and yet NOT because I’ve already won.

I WIN!!! ❤