Tears and Spew

I have lost my very best friend – She’s been replaced by tears and SPEW.

SPEW …not to be confused with The Society for the Promotion of Elfish Welfare (S.P.E.W.).

No, it’s SPEW…The Saddest Person in the Entire World.

This poor soul is in my life, and I’m required to be friends with her. I don’t even know how to help her. She used to be my best friend.

She’s the kind of person who doesn’t necessarily have a bucket list, because she just does everything…at least, she used to.

I’ve seen her every day for the last several months…and she’s been sad every day of that period, possibly longer than that, if I really think about it, but I’m not sure I noticed it quite the way I notice her now. She’s exceptionally good at hiding pain.

I’ve seen her crying as she walks down the street. I hear sobs occasionally.

She often has tears running down her face, and sometimes I don’t think she notices. They’ve just become part of her daily life.

It’s really hard being friends with her now. She doesn’t complain, doesn’t whine. I can’t even say that she feels sorry for herself. Other than sadness, I don’t think she feels anything?

How do I know she is truly SPEW (The Saddest Person in the Entire World)?

  • one word makes her cry
  • a breeze on her face makes her cry
  • lifting weights makes her cry
  • being around people makes her cry
  • being alone makes her feel nothing or less
  • dreams make her cry
  • nightmares haunt her dreams – and make her cry

SPEW used to be the kind of person that everyone went to for advice on every subject. She was always rational and objective, seeing both sides of the problem and drawing up 2 sensible options, helping her friends see logical and simple solutions.

She thought outside the box with creativity and imagination. She didn’t necessarily care what people thought, and she preferred to be a little outrageous, a little bit beyond the boundary of “age appropriate” or normal.

But I haven’t seen that in a long time…

She never asks for help. She has tried in the past, just as an exercise, asking for help in areas where she didn’t need it, but simply for the sake of doing it – knowing that asking for help is important for one’s emotional well-being.

…and men like to be needed. So she would strategically offer up an area where she “needed help,” just to provide balance in a friendship or relationship.

She always prided herself on being strong and independent, infallible, and dependable.

But I’ve seen her waver on this…ineptly seeking assistance (she doesn’t really know how) and sounding like the craziest person ever.

She went to talk to a trainer at the gym, signed up for a 60-day program, and as she told her story, she stifled her tears. They talked and the conversation turned to the science of it, which gave her a glimmer of joy – science rules –

…but then a few days later, when she worked on the homework he had given her, she knew she needed to ask for more help. She requested a pricing list and a budget. I was there when she asked this:

“Sadly, I don’t want fun. I want hard, painful, leave-all-my-shit-on-the-floor kind of training that taps into all my dark and twisty places. Let me know because I think you can get me there. I don’t want fun right now. I have deep pain that only pain will cure, if that makes sense.”

She cried and confessed that it sounded crazy. I assured her that asking for help is not crazy and something that she shouldn’t feel ashamed about, if that was her hang-up.

SPEW finally asked one of her other closest friends what therapy was like and if she found it beneficial. Her friend said, “Yes.”

SPEW asked, “Well, did you get strategies? Did you learn to recognize triggers and how to overcome them?”

“It was very helpful to talk to someone who’s objective,” her friend responded. “I couldn’t talk to my friends – they would always take my side. I wasn’t in it long enough to get to strategies, but I probably would have. We just talked about what I was feeling.”

SPEW said, “I talk to myself so much that I think ‘talking’ might be a waste. And I know myself, ” she added. “I sugar-coat things and make everything I do look easy and funny to stuff the pain,” and as she spoke, her eyes filled with tears.

Her friend said, “Well you can’t do that. You have to be honest or it’s not going to work.”

When SPEW heard the answer, she started to cry.

  • watching football makes her cry
  • seeing pictures makes her cry
  • music makes her cry

When she’s not crying, she’s numb, no hopes, no dreams, no joy, no fun, no future, no motivation, no inspiration.

SPEW has been sad before but only when she was stuck in something she didn’t belong…with someone she didn’t belong with…but that’s not where she is right now, so she’s not just sad, but she’s very confused about why she’s so sad.

After her previous traumatic breakup, she felt more fear than she did “sadness.”

But I told her that maybe all this sadness is carried from that experience – and that it has been stuffed down inside her and it needs to come out.

She says that logically, she has no reason to be sad. She has a great job that allows her consistent salary, benefits, working from home, and a free schedule. Shouldn’t that be enough?

Yes, she lost something, but she understands the reasons, and it makes perfect sense.

The loss was for perfectly good, sound reasons. The rational logical math of it all adds up to the right answer for everyone involved.

But are feelings ever logical?

“What if you just tell him what you’re feeling,” I asked.

“I can’t,” she said. “That’s so selfish and narcissistic of me to feel sad about this. What am I to them anyway? I wasn’t anything but a space to fill.”

“That’s not true,” I replied. “You know that is NOT logical or even remotely true.”

“But for him and his boy…” she trailed off, and the tears started again. “He wanted to make it work on a different path from me, and I would be in the way. He said it.”

What do you say to that? I want to kick her and hug her…and then kick her again.

“I have to be grateful that they were in my life and that I was a positive influence in theirs,” she added, and the tears flowed heavily, followed by a choking sob, and then stifling into just tears, with no facial expression…just tears…

She’s not the boy’s mom, but she misses him. She lost her friend – and so enter me, who has gone through the same, but with no answers for her.

Do I need to give her an answer?

She’s tried making new friends. She’s tried just being herself in social media – and the saddest part of all, since I’m friends with her on Facebook, that’s where she feels the safest and the “happiest,” if you define that “fake fun” as happy.

She has been going through the motions of a life, pretending to be happy…but I’ve watching her not be able to pretend anymore. SPEW hasn’t been able to cover it up.

She has tiny breakthroughs…she thinks…but the littlest things stir it up.

Now, she feels overwhelming sadness, oppressive grief, devastating heartbreak…She feels like a failure in everything she does but then rationalizes how stupid that is because she IS smart and funny and really good at what she does.

Seeing SPEW and being with her every day breaks my own heart. Hearing her speak brings tears to my own eyes and brings up my own shit.

Watching her move hurts me.

Not long ago, when she was my best friend before she became SPEW, she did cartwheels, ran around the yard, slid down the slide, swung on the swings, hung upside-down, played on the monkey bars, did handstands, jumped on the trampoline, and wrestled with the boys.

She hiked, ran, laughed and enjoyed life.

I can’t even imagine her doing those things or being like that the way she is now. I cannot remember seeing her smile…really smile. And she used to be known for her smile. That was a magnet for people.

She is worried that she might be a little crazy too, like seriously damaged. In her attempt to make friends, she was doing ok, but now pushes people away.

She has traveled to visit family – thinking that maybe that will fill the void. Perhaps her feelings for the others are just misplaced because she’s not anchored to family. But that actually made her sadder.

She’s concerned about her “dark and twisty” place – and that pain there keeps the pain out of her “real life.” …like a ying-yang thing…like balance.

What do you say to that? 

Because she is missing an anchor, we formulated a game plan to bring forth her inner OCD – have her create her own anchor, so she’s not tethered to a person or a situation outside herself – but give her a home-base in herself so she can return to society as a normal sane person.

We went shopping on Amazon together for journals and calendars that she needed for work, and she and I agreed that maybe she isn’t writing enough down. So we took the notebooks and went through her goals.

Her personal goals and dreams consisted of work and exercise. I noted that she didn’t hope to meet a man or have a relationship. I made that curious observation after she finished brainstorming. She didn’t realize that she hadn’t.

She took the first “official” journal and began answering the “Questions for Self-Discovery” which included:

  • “What do you most value in life?”
  • “Who do you aspire to be in this world?”
  • “What are you most passionate about?”
  • “When do you feel most like yourself?”

Her answer to the last question crushed my soul: She said, “I don’t remember,” and we both sobbed at this. 

Since we are establishing a routine for her that requires consistency, commitment (in small doses), and structure, I also explained that despite the daily tears that flow for no reason at all, maybe she isn’t crying enough…

…maybe she needs regular routine scheduled bouts of whaling, sobbing, and crying until there’s nothing left…

…and then maybe those regular routine scheduled bouts of  whaling, sobbing, and crying will gradually become regular routine scheduled bouts of peace, meditation, and smiling…

…and then maybe the random tears for no reason will be replaced with random smiles and laughter for no reason – the way it used to be.

…and maybe she can return to  doing cartwheels, running around the yard, sliding down the slide, swinging on the swings, hanging upside-down, playing on the monkey bars, doing handstands, jumping on the trampoline, and wrestling with the boys…

…and then hike, run, laugh and enjoy life.

…and then maybe we can add some new dreams to her list.

 

 

 

2016 – He loves me!

Ahhhh, a New Year has begun!

 

I love the new year and change. It’s possibly because I’m a commitment-phobe, and change prevents me from digging in and anchoring myself.

 

Here’s the interesting thing: My body has been stuck (anchored??) – glued to an ever present “protecting me from myself” moment – and I haven’t been able to figure out from what…I certainly have not picked a man before myself, nor have I morphed into a zombie, although I have had a 15 shades of zombie eclipse my life from time to time during the last 6 months.

 

What are my symptoms? Basically I just haven’t felt like I looked like myself, and I haven’t felt like myself either.

body image 1

I’ve been feeling like something is definitely missing. And fun…what’s that? I can only remember “fun” as a vague memory. It’s like “fun” is dangled in front of me as a tease, and I have to chase it down, beg for it.

 

I haven’t really been as dedicated to my fitness in the maniacal nature that I have been in the past.

 

I’ve been bored – uninspired…like it’s a job…a chore. Not unlike sex during the zombie apocalypse.

 

And yes, trail mix is my enemy and Jack Daniels has become my friend with benefits when I’m out with my best-friend-with-benefits/intimate partner/toy…and as much as I would love to chalk up this feeling of aging to AGING, I know it’s more of a spiritual disconnection.

 

The thing is – I got my career on a full-speed course to dreaminess. I get to write! Although it hasn’t been for me. I get to do marketing! Although it hasn’t been for me. I get to go earn income and be important. Although it’s someone else’s schedule.

 

I see a pattern emerging.

 

Tony Robbins mentions this too – You work on one area of your life, like career, then another piece of your life, like your body, then starts to lag, and you go over there and work on that part…and then you work on your relationship…and round and round it goes.

 

Here’s the thing: My body and I have been fighting lately – in a really nasty passive-aggressive bitchy way.

 

I’ve been trying to find the solution – What will make you happy, Body? What can I do?

 

Body replied: “Well, you haven’t been taking care of me.”

 

I said: “But I joined Orange Theory – I added more movement for you and a stand-up desk at work so you’re not sitting all the time.”

 

Body said: “That’s not what I need – You know what we both need.”

 

I said: “But Body, when the car broke, I started walking to get a ride to work, and I woke up even earlier to get more done – And I get out of work on time…”

 

Body said: “Um, listen to yourself, you idiot! And you come home and keep working. And you’re tired and don’t go to bed…So I’m not budging. And you’re not going to enjoy anything. And I’m going to ruin any good time you could possibly have with your precious Captain Amazing”… (said in a snarky tone and [insert evil laugh here])…

 

So I proceeded to double my intense workouts – “I’ll make you budge, Body.”

your-body-hears-everything-your-mind-says-quote-1

I woke up an hour earlier so I could get more done. I ignored the fact that I wasn’t getting to see Captain Amazing as much (I don’t like to admit that I miss him).

 

And Body held true to her threat…although I still enjoyed Captain Amazing when I got to see him, but I was slightly inhibited…a little more self-conscious because Body and I were fighting.

 

I dismissed the fact that I was burning myself out because I accomplished what I wanted to accomplish.

 

But slowly, the battle between Body and me started crossing the line, and the damage spilled over into my Soul – who thankfully had the good sense to play mediator, requested a truce and long hard look at a workable solution between my Body and me.

 

I searched and researched – I tried self-administered vitamin injections, I’ve gone vegan 80% of the time, and I’ve hired a personal trainer. I ride my bike or walk to get most places.

 

But the truth is, in my quest to establish my new career, I did the one thing I didn’t think I would ever do again…

 

I’ve put myself LAST – AGAIN – Ugh! Does this cycle ever end????

 

Funny – I’ve been on this healing journey for so long that it has become my lifestyle. But here’s the trick, I’d like to stop the part of the lifestyle where I get stuck – AGAIN.

 

Everyone on life’s journey has to check in with themselves and has to monitor themselves. The healing is never complete and nobody else can heal you. You have to heal yourself – and seek the guidance of other like-minded people who “challenge” you to stay on the path.

 

I guess that’s actually why “The Goddess of Healing” has stayed with me – because I’m always healing myself.

 

It’s a dance, and eventually the practiced steps start to make sense, to the point where the lag isn’t so damaging. And so that when a huge change rolls in, like the one I experienced in 2015, it doesn’t end up knocking you down quite so hard and for quite as long.

how-good-your-body-is-designed-to-feel-yoga-picture-quote

Even now, I see signs of discontent with myself, and I still search outside myself for the answer – and the moment I sit down and look within, the answer is so simple.

 

This time it was simply that I haven’t been paying myself first (putting myself first) and I haven’t been playing outside. I caught it before I completely broke up with myself.

 

I do believe I can quickly undo this damage.

 

How did I come upon all of this?

 

Well, I spent the New Year with Captain Amazing and Happiest Little Boy in Mexico with some other friends. It was a platonic weekend, because Captain Amazing and I go hard when we go at it, and when in mixed company, well there is just no way we can keep it quiet or quick, which is fine with me.

 

I spent soooo much time with HLB which was sooo awesome and yummy! That kid is a delight to be around. And I think he enjoyed himself too. We were nearly inseparable, except for the little story mentioned below.

 

We played in the sand, went on the swing, went up and down the stairs many times, watched the sunrise, tickled each other. He “went up top” which something he only does with his dad (he climbed up my back and sat behind my head with his legs wrapped around my neck). We ran away from sharks. We spent several morning hours together, just the two of us, while the rest of the house slept.

 

Those were important spiritual moments – and the other one, which was an equally bonding moment, was spending January 1st at the ocean alone with my music and moving my body.

 

It all felt so great. In my little beach workout, I ended up traveling 6.13 miles walking, running, and lunging.

 

When I returned, everyone was watching Twilight – but what I really needed was some sunshine. I took myself upstairs to the balcony, and I lay myself on the tile and just listened to some comedy right there on the ground, with the sun hitting my face. BLISS!

 

I always forget that’s an option to ground myself – Just lie on the ground.

 

Anyway, after about 45 minutes, HLB came up looking for me. He said, “Mindy, you didn’t listen to me.”

 

I said, “Well what did you say?” As he walked up the stairs and turned the corner to see me lying on the floor, he started laughing.

 

“Hey, why are you on the floor?” he asked giggling, and as he did, he ran up and jumped on me.

 

“Oh,UGH!” I laughed as he pinned me to the ground.

 

“Come play with me,” he said. The two of us went downstairs and played The Good Dinosaur game.

 

We had snacks and played some more.

 

The next day, he and I both got up at 6am and drank coffee and ate breakfast together. We watched the sun come up and we got dressed to go down to the ocean and dig in the sand. We played in silence for about 45 minutes or so, until our noses were running and our hands were freezing.

 

It was time to go up and wake up his dad, and we ran from the sharks that were chasing us from the ocean – We ran up the hill to the castle! And as we went through the door, I said, “Wake up your dad with your cold hands,” and we both inserted an evil laugh there!

 

Over the course of the morning, packing up our things for our return home, HLB grabbed me and said, “I want a hug and a kiss.” I picked him up, and he said, as he squeezed my neck, “I love you.”

 

Holy shit!

 

Now, my rule about saying “I love you” is this: I don’t say it first. It doesn’t matter how old the boy is.

 

I also haven’t heard that from a male person who truly meant it in probably 15 years. I distinctly remember the last time – The day Youngest was born. And I don’t think that it was really directed at me but rather to the situation.

 

Sure, there have been a few moments where a dude has uttered it, but I really think the feeling was mistaken…especially since I have felt what it is like to feel the Earth move with someone who isn’t desperate for my energy or wanting to possess me.

 

Now, truth is, I have to say that I truly love this boy – When love songs talk about that “missing piece” – that soulmate that searches for another soulmate – that would describe this kid and me. This boy has rocked my world!

 

I said it back without hesitation, “I love you too,” and I kissed him back. He hugged me tighter, and I knew he understood, and I knew it was the right thing to say to this special little man because it was the truth for both of us in that moment.

 

Holy shit! What do I do now? It’s like a Romeo & Juliet kind of situation. I never expected to ever be in this kind of scenario, much less love it so much that I am at a loss.

==

So how do I fix this? Is there anything to fix? …my body…my balance…

The Body heals with PLAY…
The Mind heals with LAUGHTER…
The Soul heals with JOY…

I determined that the hours I’ve been dedicating to everyone else are the issue. It’s not my job and it’s not the work I do. That’s a huge relief. So the solution is simple – Just ask to change my hours. I happen to be at a perfect transition for that.

 

I just have to ask for what I need and how I can make that happen so I am taking care of myself. And that’s really it – It’s the simple, simple dance that is incredibly challenging and easy at the same time – The challenging part is staying the course despite all that I have habituated over a lifetime.

 

 

Next up: Captain Amazing finds his groove…

The Double-Stuffed Cream Filling – Part 1

This is the first of two stories that actually took place in the delicious creamy center between the outer edges of my February Oreo cookie (Anti-VD and Week of Disease) –

Happiest Little Boy & Blue

On Monday, February 16th, I arrived at my lovely client’s beautiful home (castle), and she pointed to the corner of the room. She asked me if I would like it –

She knows my real boyfriend is a 2-year-old I run around with, and he’s the Happiest Little Boy (HLB).

Note: I call HLB my “boyfriend,” and we are truly, madly in love each other!! I have thing for younger guys 😉

A couple of weeks ago, his dad, his uncle, HLB and I met up to go hiking, and I hadn’t seen him in a couple of weeks. When he saw me, he jumped from his dad’s arms and ran to me, and he hugged my legs so tight, like he would never let go, and I picked him up and smothered him with sweet kisses!

He’s the bestest boyfriend I have ever had!! (Same rules apply – Must be FUN, say anything, no drama, no judgment, etc.)

We even have a song! Whenever I hear “I Choose You” by Sara Bareilles, I think of him…more so for the beat than for the lyrics.

Anyway, when I saw what my client was pointing to in the corner of the room, I gasped. My hands flew to my mouth and I giggled with sheer delight – “OH MY GOSH!!!” I exclaimed. “Happiest Little Boy would love that so much!! THANK YOU!!!”

It stood about 3 feet tall, at least. I picked it up and squeezed it. It was so soft and squishy, and it made my heart so happy and filled my soul with such joy – I could not wait until HLB saw it.

I dreamed about what he would do first and all the great games he would play –

He has an active imagination that doesn’t stop or even slow down. When we are in the “upstairs” area of the fort, he makes me pizza and hamburgers, and every bolt becomes a knob to turn or a button to push.

I kept his gift in the back seat of my car for a couple of days until I had to go downtown (cream filling story #2!) – and then decided I’d better take it into my apartment –

I thought, “Someone might want to steal it because it’s so awesome!”

I just hugged it and squeezed it as I carried it upstairs. 

“This is the greatest thing, ever!”

When my daughters came home, I showed it to them. They each hugged it and squeezed and had the same feeling I had – “This is amazing! Maybe we should keep it.”

On Sunday, Youngest and I arrived at HLB’s house. Youngest was going to do some chores and entertain HLB while we so-called adults pretended to be adults (work-type stuff, not adult play-type stuff). 

We knocked on the door and heard the locks rattling. Clearly HLB was opening the door himself, doing his best to reach the deadbolt. 

He threw the door open and saw what was in my arms – He grabbed it and ran to the living room, where he proceeded to wrestle with the giant dog and smother it with kisses. 

“That is awesome!!” said his dad. “Where did you get that?”

I told him the story of how this biggest softest awesomest giant stuffed Saint Bernard joined our lives, which looked very similar to this picture below, only bigger and with a big red ribbon bow-tie collar.

stuffed_saint_bernard

As I finished the story, HLB came running up to me: “Mindy, Mindy, come see Blue.”

Awwwww….he named it already!!!!

He grabbed my hand and took me to where Blue was sitting. He said, “Sit on Blue’s lap.” 

As I went to sit down, he said, “Wait – Blue is pooping.” 

I laughed out loud!

Kids in potty training really think of nothing else.

Then he said, “Ok, he’s done….See?” He moved Blue toward the wall where the television cable was (the cable, no TV), so he could give Blue a pretend shower with the pretend hose.

And there I saw where Blue had been “pooping” – a quarter! 

I died of happiness! 

What a perfect pet – It is soft and squishy without shedding; it doesn’t bark or bite; and it poops money!!! 

oopooh

We played tackle with Blue and took Blue into the fort, and wrestled and snuggled until we were all worn out, and Blue needed a nap (um…and the rest of us!)

And that is the sweet, sweet cream filling story #1 that makes my life the tastiest – The story of Happiest Little Boy and His Dog Named Blue – 

Radical Views Of Relationships

Aka – The Philosophical Evolution of Relationshits to Awesomeships.

I was having lunch with Mr. KC the other day.

So it was a business lunch, but he also asked me, or I may have offered up, my opinion on relationships, which in essence hasn’t changed much since he and I entertained each other. I’m just able to express it more clearly – articulate it effectively – with confidence.

Mr. KC asked: What is the difference between this and any other thing I’ve been in before? How is it that I can be fully self-expressed?

My philosophy takes up more than one post, and I have discussed this before, but I’ll do my best to summarize…

…because Captain Amazing and I have created something awesome, at least I think so. It definitely works for me.

I would love to see a radical change in how and why people enter into these things – I’ve assisted with online dating profiles and set friends up – but there has been something fundamentally missing.

I can lay out the principles and my opinions on relationships, but before undertaking anything, you have to have an intimate relationship with YOURSELF

Furthermore, you should have a mad, wildly passionate love affair with yourself, because you can’t really know what you want or how to ask for it if you don’t know who you are and what you truly love, what you are willing to experiment with, and how you communicate.

That all comes from a higher place – Not from a place of filling an empty hole with a warm body because society tells you that you should be striving for that.

Here is the brief checklist of the basic principles.

  • Friends first.
  • We want to be here.
  • Great sex, experimental, fun.
  • Safe environment to speak freely, no judgment.
  • Exit clause – if it is no longer fun, if it is boring, if there is drama or too much stress, we go back to the first principle (friends)* – Honor the exit as enlightened respectful adults.
  • No crazy, no drama.
  • No complacency, no obligation.

*Note this addendum: To pursue another, there must be life-enhancement – no backsliding.

What I want for me personally – Love, respect, and multiple orgasms – It’s really that simple.

I know who I am and what I want. I am not very interested in what other people think. But I’m asked the question a lot.

The secret to failure is to try to please everyone.

Please note, that I will only speak for myself – I won’t put words into Captain Amazing’s mouth or speak on his behalf.

But I can say that we have discussed all of the following, much of it before we entertained entertaining each other – and sealed it with a kiss, because as you know, if he sucked at kissing, he wasn’t going to be invited to my party.

My time is precious. How I spend my time and with whom I spend that time create the tapestry of my life.

My life is valuable. I want only the highest quality life…small doses of fineness are fine…But I will not settle for complacency.

Let me also say that even though it is not called a “relationship” – It is a very meaningful “thing” to me, and it enhances my life.

It’s not something I’m “in” because I’m bored or I have nothing better to do. I am emotionally, intellectually, and physically stimulated. (My physical stimulation pleases him greatly – so happy about that!!)

It is actually such an awesome “thing” that a word hasn’t yet been invented to describe it’s awesomeness. I’ve studied (well, briefly looked up) other languages to see if other people of the world have figured this out.

Curiously, the Latins (those who speak Latin) defined the terms the way I see them  –

The Latin word for love is amare and friend is amicus or amica – derivatives.

Relationship: affinitas…not so bad.

Marriage: matrimonium (even my kids say that sounds horrible – I know right??!!)

As I describe this “thing” – It has been understood by my audience to be meaningless, nonchalant, extremely casual, and “take-it-or-leave-it.”

Um…no it isn’t – at least not for me. I can honestly say that I am “all in,” whatever that means, whatever that looks like, without a timeline or an agenda.

The greatest hindrance to living is expectancy, which depends upon [tomorrow] and wastes today.

And if it were to end, I would be crushed – not gonna lie.

But I also don’t worry about that at all. That’s like missing somebody who is standing right in front me. I won’t waste my time fretting about something that may or may not happen.

So I’m “all in” regardless – because the alternative is not acceptable. I’m the best version of me because of this indescribable friendship – and I believe that he is worth it.

He is worth my time – I am also worth that time. One secret to success is the SELECTION – and expressing our unique capabilities (like my flexibility and stimulatability – I can make up words).

The “thing” is the byproduct of the time spent – and the quality of that time – on things that actually matter – not the quantity of time just to fill a void.

Another secret to success is selecting the proper boundaries and making adjustments. So the “thing” does not define us – we define it.

I don’t require proof that he exists in day-to-day life. Of course, I enjoy his company and I am very excited to get a note or a call from him, but I am not so insecure that I require him to say daily, “Hey look at me over here,” nor do I expect him to.

Therefore, we do not talk, text, or email every day – We have shit to do, careers, kids, and it’s ok. But when we do  – I appreciate that time and do not take it for granted.

I do not question the space – again I don’t fret over it – Do I expect or want him to put me above all other things in his life? HELL NO!! NEVER – that would be so horrible and dysfunctional. That’s addictive behavior.

I do send him funnies in his email though – mainly because he has a lot of stress and it makes me feel happy to do that – I like to make him laugh.

My intention is not attention. I would send him the funnies anonymously.

I’m not looking for or wanting co-dependency or a caretaker. I don’t need health insurance or a retirement plan to be provided to me by the man I’m spending my precious time with – I can provide those things for myself, thanks.

I respect his opinion and advice on these matters, however.

I don’t want to be somebody’s responsibility – and I don’t want to be responsible for a grown man.

Responsiveness – YES, but not responsibility for.

There is a huge difference – a fundamental shift in awareness – between the two. Even with raising kids, it should be that the responsibility for them as dependents is not permanent. As they grow, actions and behaviors become responsive to others rather than controlled by others.

Is it better to have someone forced to be in your life? Or is it better that he/she chooses to be in your life? 

So the way I see it, this is a higher-level of enlightened thinking and feeling – and it is more of an unconscious “dance.” While I don’t speak on his behalf, I obviously believe that his intentions are likewise…or it wouldn’t work.

Furthermore, it’s actually more powerful and more meaningful than the “run of the mill” relationshits being entertained and striven for these days, and certainly better than marriage, as evidenced by the cavalier manner that marriage or similar is entertained.

To me, marriage is meaningless and NOT the pinnacle of a successful friendship/datingship thing.

“Marriage” or similar is not truly living in the momentRather, it is existing in limbo, fearing that the other person may leave and preventing him/her from doing so, and actually preparing for their departure, while at the same time, shackling a label on the other person and essentially requiring that they do not live a life fulfilled outside of the union.

They form their purposes with a view to the distant future; yet postponement is the greatest waste of life; it deprives them of each day as it comes, it snatches from them the present by promising something hereafter.

I require and possess a trust and respect that most people need a piece of paper and a lawyer to enforce  –

If that future doesn’t come for them, they become disgruntled, take each other to court, feel their investment in that future was wasted – when really, if each moment together was spent in blissful harmony, there would be no reason to look beyond that moment –

There is nothing bigger or better than that present moment.

I know that this is a novel way of thinking because I’m having to explain it.

Can anything be sillier than the point of view of certain people—They keep themselves very busily engaged in order that they may be able to live better … they spend life [getting] ready to live.

,..and I’ve been accused of thinking very little of myself – as if I’m not worthy of marriage. On the contrary, I don’t think marriage is worthy of me.

 

 

quote material above from “On The Shortness of Life” by Lucius Seneca

 

 

From Sexcapades to Sweetcapades

Oh just a little bit sappy ❤

…and brief because sappy is just not my thing… On a scale from 1 to Even, I just can’t! #canteven

It’s important to note though – I’m a bit of a spiritual nomad. I haven’t found the root cause for my lack of roots, or more precisely, my aversion to roots…

However, I have found a tribe, so my struggle to use my wings and yet stay grounded is so very real. #thestruggleisreal

I taught myself to live in the very real, very present moment – at least what I consider real – which may be frosted with naivete and immaturity – but I really don’t care.

So each moment is a special little bubble – I rarely look ahead except in fantasy, not in reality, and certainly not when it comes to other people.

Typically my fantasies include me fighting bad guys or visiting faraway places –

My bucket list fantasy with a man, specifically Captain Amazing, is simply a sleep-all-day-sex-all-day sexcapade, which seems simple enough. It hasn’t happened in my lifetime yet, and I was married once.

…well it may have happened when I was married, but I didn’t appreciate life then, as I do now, so I don’t remember it.

I know now, since my true awakening, that each moment I encounter is absolutely precious – a sweetcapade of the highest order.

I spent another Sunday playing all day – I AM SO GRATEFUL! All kids, all fun, hanging upside down, climbing, headstands, cartwheels, chasing garbage trucks (that didn’t exist), running, spinning, laughing, dog-piling.

GRATEFUL, GRATEFUL, GRATEFUL.

My agenda or my goal or my hope or my dream, whatever you want to call it – Is to have my heart touched in such a way that I never forget how amazing this journey has been, how miraculous each moment truly is – I will always remember how I felt with them in my life.

And now I can add that I hope and dream that I will leave (or have already left) a lasting impression on these hearts too – so no matter what happens tomorrow, a year from now, or 10 years from now – they will always remember how they felt with me in their lives, in these moments.

These moments are brief – they are each a bubble filled with magic and happiness – And each one is so special to me.  And their smiles and curious gazes just fill my entire being with warmth and joy.

They may not remember my name years down the road – I don’t know how long we will get to play together –

But I will treat each day that I get to spend with them as the very special gift it is, knowing that the game might have to be called because of darkness, rain, lightning, thunder, or comfort.

I’m terrified and yet NOT because I’ve already won.

I WIN!!! ❤

The Soapbox

The Soapbox

I have to lay out the back story before I climb up on my soapbox…This is a story about adventure, relationships, and broken hearts.

I hope you like rants – cuz that’s kinda my thing.

soapbox

Part 1: Spunk & Sunshine

Youngest and I graced Captain Amazing with our presence a few nights ago so that I could begin my “Mission Organization” upon his home office and perform my nerd magic on a new computer that he bought many moons ago and hadn’t had time to set up yet.

I am a woman; therefore, I have the genetic capability of multitasking without the damaging side effects of ADD.

Youngest brought her chemistry homework, and Captain Amazing’s full engineering nerd came out – Clearly that’s his passion – To create and build things and be all “sciency.” #nerdgasm #macgyverlives

I don’t remember how the conversation shifted from the periodic table of elements and the formula for density to me and my personality, but the important part is this:

At one point, he asked Youngest if I’m always like this – Upbeat and positive, and “there’s a ray of sunshine – let’s go capture it” – something to that effect – in a light teasing tone.

I could pretend to be more like you and live on a sparkly rainbow and drive a unicorn around and just sing all the time.

To which Youngest did reply: “Yes, she’s always like that.”

I’m not gonna lie – I LOVED THAT!! I don’t care that they were kind of making fun of me – It was just so awesome to know that my kid recognizes and corroborates that I’m genuinely ME – all spunk and sunshine – even in the darkest of times…

…and even though I’m probably the most embarrassing person on the planet.

Part 2: The Playground Adventure

So yesterday morning was so crazy fun! I played so hard AGAIN with the Happiest Little Boy!!

First, he loves to look at my Ipad and see all of my pictures. I taught him how to use the camera, and he took a couple of selfies. These pictures – OMG – SO ADORABLE!! I could just eat him up!!

Note about pictures: I never did “family portraits” because there’s no personality in them. That’s not who people really are. I like to capture people in their genuine moments.

I’m not quite as skilled as my daughters – They snapchat constantly with amazing self-expression, but I’m learning to be fully present and kid-like without feeling self-conscious about what I look like when I’m being a goofball.

Anyway, I was itching to go do a few flips in the backyard, so I asked Captain Amazing if I could take HLB (Happiest Little Boy) outside and play.

It was a school and work day, and I don’t know all the rules of the morning routine. He said, “Yes.”

YASSSSS!!!!! #rocktheslide #monkeybarsforever

playground

So HLB and I went outside to play. WE HAD SO MUCH FUN!!! We slid down the slide, climbed up the slide, hung from the monkeybars, did somersaults, climbed the ladders …

I did a few flips on the “flip upside down bar” because that’s my thing.

Captain Amazing came out to check on us and said, “You’re fricking hilarious.”

I said, “What?? I’m just playing.”

…and then we heard the garbage truck, and HLB wanted to see it.

So I picked him up and he saw it – Ooooo it was so great!! …and we ran around and tried to chase it!

Who needs a gym when you have a toddler to play with??? Just saying!

Captain Amazing came out again, this time dressed and ready for work. He said it was time to come in and eat breakfast.

Awwww Rats!!

 

Part 3: The Food Fight – Standing On My Soapbox

The night previous, we had been rudely interrupted by an irrationally angry phone call about a guest list and a Halloween party.

The phone call was absolutely, without doubt, none of my f*ing business. And it still isn’t.

The details are not important but what is – BOUNDARIES!

Captain Amazing and I have a great analogy about boundaries – one that he taught me- Waffles and Spaghetti.

Men tend to think and behave more like waffles – with little boxes of boundaries within a boundary. Women tend to think and behave with emotional entanglements, the way spaghetti behaves.

The phone call was basically a truckload of spaghetti hurled at him with enormous velocity, such that I could hear the splat of marinara hit him in the face from the other room; the pasty stick of the pasta as it landed all over him, the walls, and the ceiling; and when he returned from the kitchen, he was covered head to toe in spaghetti.

food-fight-online-slot

Well I guess I can’t hide my crazy – Said the chick on the phone.

I felt so bad, and at the same time, I wondered where his boundaries went. I decided that what he really needed to do in that moment was:

1. Not accept the phone call because it wasn’t about his son.

OR

2. Take the phone call but arm himself with a giant waffle shield to deflect all of the spaghetti.

Capt-America waffle

The sad reality of a breakup when you have children is that you are tethered to that other adult forever in some capacity.

BUT, where do you establish boundaries around the relationship between the so-called adults?

When is the life of the ex none of your fucking business anymore because it doesn’t directly involve the kids?

That’s when it becomes tricky – and ultimately horribly sad –

It’s fascinating that I have such strong boundaries when I’m such a warm and loving and joyous person.

I’ve recently learned why – There’s a wall – and I’m taking it down, but I don’t want to end up being spaghetti….so I’m a little scared.

I don’t want to screw up what I have with you. You’re too important to me.

My opinion: When someone awesome enters my kids’ lives, I welcome it. If I have emotional baggage with regard to that – it’s my baggage, not my kids’ and not that awesome person’s.

…and narcissistic fucktardery is not welcome in my life.

I don’t understand why that’s not a universal concept.

Part 4: The Wall That Narcissistic Fucktards Built

That wall has been measured to be 91 miles thick – and it’s around my heart.

I have learned how to own certain emotional discomforts and be more than ok with them – EMBRACE them – so my kids can share their lives with me in passionate detail

– especially that portion of their lives that I’m not a part of –

Passionate detail is the language we speak.

They have a step-mom and they have half-sister. They love their half sister so much …

They share her pictures and what they’ve done with her – She is absolutely adorable. And the kids would love the two of us to meet someday. I would love that too.

That will never happen though –

My funness and free-spiritedness are threats to the unenlightened and to the narcissistic fucktards who think my behavior and my choice in friends is a direct threat to them, and that I choose my friends and my personality to irritate them.

That’s what a narcissistic fucktard does – they all do –

I have finally accepted that I can’t fix stupid.

Nevertheless, it’s kind of a lonely place to be…sitting here with a wall 91 miles thick around my heart.

I was looking at the calendar yesterday to schedule a launch party for something I’m involved in – There was Youngest’s birthday and my birthday, and I saw HLB’s birthday.

I thought to myself, “Oh I should keep that day open, so we can have a birthday party.”

…and then a few minutes later, I remembered the narcisstic fucktarderific spaghetti-laden phone call about a Halloween gathering and who was attending it –

I will not be invited or welcomed.

Puppy…In…A…Cup

…and that made me cry.

FUUUUUCCCCKKKKK 😦

I hate doors!

I’m always the one who loves more – even with boundaries – that’s my thing.

Basically I have two choices:

1. Choose to end up alone – be a single old lady flashing people on the street.

OR

2. Be creative – Throw a party for all of us on a different day, move through my discomfort, and change the world.

I’m picking option #2.

 

Quotes above are from New Girl.

The Hangover

hangover

Tuesday

So Monday was rather suckish….for reasons that made me say “Holy Shit – what was that??!! What the fuck did I do???”

I was so hungover yesterday, and I hadn’t had anything to drink – and sadly, I had had no sex.

Yet, I felt that overwhelming need to apologize for having way too much fun, like I went on a drinking and sex bender –

–one of those one-night stands that you crawl home the next day, and a memory flashes before your eyes, requiring you to hold your head and scream out in pain, and you just want to die —

“OMG, what did I do to myself???”

I have discovered in recent years that I can develop a hangover from a variety of activities (living the “high” life) where drinking alcohol is not involved, like having great sex.

It had been a rare occurrence that I first experienced in November 2012, and it happened maybe 2 or 3 times with that guy.

It didn’t happen again until my adventures with Captain Amazing.

And since it’s happening fairly regularly, it’s quite…um…crazy…With physical cravings, shaking hands, dizziness, sweating, cloudy thinking, inability to walk…

What I learned this weekend – I can actually have kid hangover. #wtf

During the last 7 years of my post-marriage kid adventure, I did notice that I would be “sad” after a weekend with the kids – and at the same time, relieved because I could actually clean my dwelling and have some quiet time – I mean quiet – QUIET – QUIET!

My kids have only met 3 guys I have dated, one was fun and had 3 kids who were my kids’ ages (that was just a summer of fun and not a relationship) …

… and the other 2 were both total disasters – Those guys were not fun and were actually jealous of my relationships/friendships between my kids and me. So obviously NEXT – 

So now, my kids are older, and the 4 of us have a rather rigorous screening process when it comes to anyone hanging out with all of us.

He has to be somewhat nerdy, have an absolute love/obsession with superheroes and Marvel movies, and allow a lot of playing, sitting on the floor, being stupid, joking, speaking in a way that the so-called “normal” people would find offensive…

…OK, so check to all of the criteria above so far…

That’s not the issue – I am soooo over worrying about any guy who would be pissy with me spending quality time with my kids and question the manner in which I spend that time….

…so if we are all watching a movie, and my 13-year-old wants to sit on my lap on the floor, she is going to – no questions, no discussing this – It’s non-negotiable.

None of this was questioned – no pissiness – It was absolute BLISS!

So far, so good – Captain Amazing can hang with us.

However, with the exception of the one guy above, I have never dated someone with kids who were still kids…or whom I met…

~~~

Yep, I love my kids. They are awesome. They quote pop culture until it becomes the fabric of their language and then they produce spin-offs. All teens probably do it, but mine are very skilled. Except they sometimes cite the original source – and it ruins the moment. #ruiner

However, I don’t love ALL kids – For the same reasons above, not all can hang with us. A few can and do, and those that do – they are awesome.

The ones that don’t and can’t – well they haven’t been parented the way I parent or they lack the open-mindedness or thick skin or funness required of being a member of our tribe – and in either scenario, I can leave those kids.

And I have never, in my entire life, looked forward to spending time with kids other than my own and perhaps 1 or 2 of their friends (but not their friends by themselves)…

…until now…and I don’t know what to do.

~~

RELEVANT FUN FACTS ABOUT ME

Fact #1

I have unique boundaries. #duh

So there was a quasi-serious conversation that took place last Friday morning in bed, one in which I was instructed to not get “too attached.”

This is it – I have no hidden agenda – This is it! (I’m making a circle motion above myself)

There is no issue, since I am the queen goddess of commitment-phobia, although I’m not a love addict or love avoidant, and I’m definitely not a co-dependent.

However, I have been a love addict once in my life and definitely a love avoidant for the majority of my life, and I’m not afraid to admit that.

I do not want any man (or other adult) to be dependent upon me, nor do I want to ever be dependent on any man – EVER – for the rest of my life.

I do not want to be responsible for any man, and I don’t want any man to be responsible for me.

Fact #2

I love fun –

Fact #3

I am ALL IN.  

I live for moments – all kinds – I get sucked in and single-focused. I give each moment at least 100% of what I have to give in that moment.

Sometimes I’m tired, so my 100% is not as strong as other days, but I’m THERE – I’m ALL IN.

Fact #4

I follow directions, unless I’m rebelling or running away…Or I forget. #whatmemory

~

Sunday – Shiz Got Real

I invited one of his sons to walk my friend’s 5 dogs with Youngest and me. He said it sounded good and asked if he and his other son could join.

YES! Super fun!!

…It started at the park – and I asked Youngest to hold the leash of my assigned dog – and that was it. I was climbing the rock wall, taking the 2-year-old over the suspension bridge and onto the twisty slide…I swung on the monkey bars…

…and then it transitioned to football…and where I lost all sense of my senses…I played so hard that I didn’t know where I was or what I was doing…I lost track of time…

…I wrestled a 2-year-old – We ate Otterpops, played catch, colored on the chalkboard, raced cars, played HedBanz Game (BTW, I drew the unicorn card!!) and Legos, dive-bombed beanbag chairs, played in the backyard, and watched Captain America: The Winter Soldier .

…it went on all night…

The details are blurry – but it was the worst best binge – a playing spree – unrestrained indulgence…

I was ALL IN – 500% – until I was spent.

I paid for it yesterday. I thought I had nothing left in the tank – I was wrong – I was full of tears and regret…

regret

I spent my Monday incredibly hungover, crying, practicing the apology I felt I needed to make for having had way too much fun….and for the thing I don’t want to admit out loud to anyone EVER – #denial

Those were the boys I was looking for – and that is avoidance. #boycrazy

I can’t even write the real words down – I am the biggest idiot that ever lived! 

WTF did I do???!!

Do I miss my kids that much??? #struggleisreal

I guess I do. I hate to admit that. The saddest part is that I’ve had to spend the last 7 years with a leash around my heart because it hurts a lot when they leave…

…and I guess I’ve gotten used to it…that helpless emptiness…That having to be an adult because my kids aren’t around…

WTF did I do???!!

I have never experienced anything like this before. #shizgotreal

And I don’t even know how to apologize for feeling so shitty – I feel like I crushed the world, when all I did was crush myself.

I don’t even know if “shitty” is the right word – Maybe it’s growth?? Hurts so good?? Fear???

I laugh in the face of fear – HA HA HA!!!

How do I apologize when I am facing demons from my past – not even demons really – I think I actually slipped into a life I don’t have anymore, like I was in a hologram.

Wait a minute -I shouldn’t have to apologize for having fun and for being myself – even if it was 500% of myself – and showering kids with love and laughter and playing –

All kids deserve that, even the ones who don’t fit into my tribe. I deserve that too.

SO NOT SORRY! Here are 7 things we women should never be sorry about.

The best hangover remedy is more of what made you hungover in the first place! So let me just order up more play time – in all the ways I love to play 😉

Here are the 5 most common regrets that people have on their deathbed:

1.   I wish I’d had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me.
2.   I wish I didn’t work so hard.
3.   I wish I’d had the courage to express my feelings.
4.   I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends.
5.   I wish that I had let myself be happier.

I don’t see anywhere on that list:
“I wish I had less sex” or
“I wish I hadn’t played so hard with great kids.”

So I might be ok after all…I just wish this hangover would end so I can get on with my life!!

Oh, and none of those will be my regrets on my deathbed. 

regret 2

 

 

My True Love

My True Love: It Exists!!

Dating is daunting for those who are not ready to enter the arena.

Although it’s a lot like becoming a parent – You’re never actually ready.

Even Disney gets it – finally – that in these times when we turn 16, we are not going to be swept away by Prince Charming who is 18 and who is going to rescue us from spinsterhood and early death, being eaten by wolves, so that we can live happily ever after.

In order to get what you want, whether it is marrying Prince Charming or avoiding Count Dracula, you need to understand what you want, to write it down, and to express it.

Let’s take it a step further – Answer the question, “Why”?

Why do you want that? 

And then ask “why” again, followed by “what does it look like?”

Get deep.

If you don’t end up crying, then you’re not going deep enough. And that itself should be an “aha moment” for you, which we should really address.

True love is deeper than that – I know – I have it…

I have true love in my life. #somuchwin

…Are you on the edge of your seat?? Are you thinking something about Captain Amazing??? #suspense #sexualtension

….

….

My True Love Is…

….

….

with my kids.

You may think it’s a bit of an ass-backwards way to figure out what you want from the opposite sex in a loving friendship/relationship/loveship, whatever you want to call it.

However, with kids, there is no bullshit. It’s simple and intuitive.

We are human, and I’ve studied behavior and communication on the most basic of levels through these amazing people.

But I have had to be a confident trailblazer and be very daring to get what I want from the relationship that I have with them.

I also have to mention that we do not own a television. And I do not buy them every little new toy that comes out on the market…never have…We own more books and movies than anything else.

…including the complete collection of Calvin & Hobbes…

At Christmas, they would rather DO something together than GET something.

We give each other memories – They last longer than material things.

Just because we are family, doesn’t mean that “true love” is automatic – That is not a “given” –

Sure, there was definitely a seed planted, but the “true love” had to be nurtured to blossom and grow.

As I take you through this journey of love, I have an important caveat: I do not have a “traditional” relationship/friendship/loveship with my kids.

Their friends even recognize this – Because my kids can talk to me about anything, and I mean anything – and they do! #somuchwin

Note to parents: Their friends speak of wanting our kind of relationship with their moms and dads – Just saying.

**My kids are so proud and honored to have a special relationship with me – They show it off!

They wear me proudly on their arms, ask me on dates, and want to be with me.

These are the communication/behavior goals and ‘codes’ I have always had in place in my piece of peace with my slices of heaven:

  • I respect and support each kid for his/her individuality and his/her talents – and I encourage them to bring forth their talents.
  • I treat them like human beings and communicate with them like human beings. By communicate I mean that we have conversationsA conversation is not a lecture – It is not nagging or bitching or complaining. It is a two-way street and I adapt to their language so that we keep this channel open all the time.
  • We listen. I love their stories.
  • We use positive language and positive redirection and reinforcement.
  • There is no judgment.
  • Our home is safe, especially to speak freely.
  • Our home is peace – as stress-free as we can make it.
  • We have fun, play and create.
  • We appreciate, trust, and honor each other
  • We allow and encourage growth and change.

We have been nurturing these directives for nearly 20 years, making modifications and adding items as we’ve needed to – This is who we are.

Now that they’re teens, there isn’t much work left to do – so we play a lot more.

Our conversations get deeper and get funnier – I love being with US.

We are not perfect. I have to get on them about laundry and maybe dishes. They can get on each other’s nerves and we need to resolve conflicts sometimes. We are people.

~~

Let me point something out, in case the “aha moment” is not happening for you.

I know that I have true love with my kids, and they have true love for me – And we love each other truly (love is a noun and a verb, so we should have it ALL) – And they love each other too – going on sister-sister dates and sister-brother dates…it’s amazing!

…and I know that these fundamentals are in place and fostering this true love…

…and if “true love” is what you seek from the opposite sex, then please, read the list above again and understand it – starting at the **- and then substitute “kids” with the noun that appropriately represents whom you want to love.

Because what is true for the “true love” that exists for me with the model above in place…

…should be the model for all friendships/relationship/loveships – whatever you want to call it, especially with the opposite sex. #duh

It’s simple but not easy … and yes, I’ve had my own “aha moments” with regard to this very topic.

Let’s go back to the beginning then – What do you want? Why do you want it? and Why again? and What does it look like?

Remember, the only change you can make is with yourself –

Words Escape Me ~ Adventures In Poetry

Words Escape Me ~ Adventures In Poetry

I’m limping through cyberspace on my old Dell from 2008, running Windows XP. In human years, it would be approximately 82-1/2 years old. It functions but it gets tired.

My other computer’s hard drive crashed.

Do they make Viagra for computers?

When I combine that with 2 weeks of vacation in July where I remained basically computerless, I am now behind on my adventurous posts.

I know – you’re sad. I am sadder 😦
I have missed my daily dose of creativity.

However, beginning in the here and now
(word count 69 at that point!),
I can say WOW
And then all other words escape me.

O Captain, My Captain!

Captain Amazing called me the Saturday morning after my return from Disneyland, California, where I journeyed with 5 teens on a quest for the most fun adventure-land experience we have ever had.

I was so happy to hear is voice. He called me from work, and I had just returned home from seeing a client. I was in my apartment complex parking lot walking around while we chatted.

I like to talk on the phone privately without distractions, and with 3 teens in the house, I will tolerate the heat  – especially if it whets my appetite for stimulating conversation and wets my pussy for stimulating future activities…

Oh I just went there!

I can say this – To have an intelligent strong man converse with me about business and money when he knows his shit – or to overhear such discussion – turns me on like a light bulb.

…and since he was at work, I guided the conversation in that direction. Not for the purposes of having a sexually charged talk – I really wanted to pick his brain about finances – but Man, O Man – I was sooo ready to see him!

We set up a brunch date for the next day –

I like morning dates because I’m a morning person and I haven’t eaten too much. I feel thin and pretty in the morning…that’s probably just me!

Anyway, Sunday arrived – and so did Captain Amazing.

Youngest Downey Jr. had been “dying” to witness the man, the myth, the legend that is Captain Amazing – so she walked to the edge of the balcony to see me off.

I walked to his truck, and he saw her standing there. He said, “Aww, she’s been wanting to meet me.”

I said, “Yeah. She thinks you’re not real.”

He turned the truck off and said, “Let’s go meet her.”

O heart! heart! heart!

Introductions were made, and I was then whisked off to brunch – where we talked probably nonstop for 2 hours??

…and we mastermind a brilliant business deal for me, which is inspired by the “Hot Crazy Matrix” – which has now become our “thing” – My quest for unicorn status. #hotcrazymatrix

He drew the matrix out for me on my notebook – Luckily I brought it with me inside my handy-dandy backpack, which is always with me – in case I need a notebook, toothbrush or a jump rope. You never know…

He also showed me where I am according to this chart – right on the border of the Unicorn Zone – hovering at a hotness of 8, crazy of 4 to 5. #girlsarecrazy

I know what I bring to the table – so this evaluation was pleasing to me.

He said he would love to dress me up in an appropriate (and hopefully slutty) costume and make his own video where he announces to the world that he has captured his very own unicorn!!

I love this!!!

I believe my Mystique costume will do this justice – because she can morph into anything.

Now that I am getting things caught up on the business end, I am designing my vanity goals around this – with very serious effort.

I need to improve my hotness to greater than 8 without changing my DNA – tricky, very tricky.

We finished our food and stopped at his house – We made it to the living room floor. At least we were in the house – although…

I will have him in the rain.
And in the dark. And on a train.
And in a car. And in a tree.
He is so good, so good you see!
I will have him here and there.
Say! I will have him ANYWHERE!
I do so like great sex with him!
I like him, like him, Slut I am.

Sooo much fun!

But the words escape me … because the awesomeness that started taking place – I just can’t even describe.

I did tell him – that I love his orgasmic expression

He makes me feel so good and so powerful that I can make him feel so good –

…and that there is this unbridled uninhibited passionate climax –

I lack the appropriate vocabulary to express how truly amazing this experience is.

O Captain! My Captain!

Upon returning to Planet Earth, he showed some new Marvel Superhero prints he had purchased – Iron Man and The Hulk.

He looked at me and said, “Youngest would like Iron Man, wouldn’t she?”

I said, “She would love that, but that’s yours -“

I knew where he was going since he had given Middlest his Spider-Man print before we all went on vacation.

He said, “I can just go get another one. I want to give it to her.”

O heart! heart! heart!

We packed up the print and headed back to my place –

He then told me that he would like to spend more time with me.
(HOLY SHIT – YESSSSS!!!!!!!!!!!!) …

…and that there was talk amongst another member of our posse, his brother, Mr. Luge, of a trip to Belize, and would I be interested in going??
(HOLY SHIT – YESSSSSSS!!!!!!!)

I’m not sure how cool I played that – I may have jumped up and down and squealed (I am a girl) …

…but he said he figured as much and had already counted me in 🙂 ❤

Sweet!!

I had texted Youngest to let her know I was on my way home and that she was being presented with a gift so she should come downstairs.

We returned to my apartment. She met us – and he handed her the print.

Words escaped her – I thought she was going to cry from so much happiness.

She is, indeed, my daughter!

We said our goodbyes…He gives the best hugs

I held onto him so tight,
Which made him laugh
With what sounded like delight
It’s so amazing ~
That this feels so right.

O Captain! My Captain!

When Youngest and I went upstairs, I asked her where she would like to hang up Iron Man. She said, “Above the bed, of course – so he can protect me!”

Done!

I hung him up – and she walked up to me, put her hand on my shoulder, and said very seriously:

“Mom, you’ve got yourself a KEEPER!”

I said, “I know, right??!!! I told you he is amazing!”

O heart! heart! heart!

 

Poetry above courtesy of Walt Whitman “O Captain! My Captain” and myself (inspired by Dr. Seuss).

Aha Moments

Aha Moments: AKA My Spirit’s Rotten Tooth

I’m catching up and catching up – and will be going to bed soon.

I hadn’t sent in my evaluation for The Daily Love retreat, so I typed that out and emailed it to our coordinator.

I wasn’t sure if I wanted to just spill my spiritual guts all over the place – This shit is deeply personal.

I didn’t know some of it was inside of me still. I figured there must have been something rotting in there because I know that there is so much BIGNESS inside of me that is just yearning to be seen and heard….

…yet I trip myself up and my voice gets weak along with my strength.

Yes, I have been revealing the intimate details of my private life to my audience; however, that is in celebration of my voice and confidence.

So what is it that has been keeping me small?  Especially when people tell me all the time how strong and brave I am, which doesn’t feel like bravery to me. It’s just me!

I Know My Life’s Purpose

I was close to knowing it. I’ve been reviewing some of my writing – and I was sooo close. There are two key words (well three for me because I need a descriptive adjective) from which all other yummy good feelings derive.

The main one was the hardest to figure out. It took me a day and a half, looking at what emotions I don’t want to feel, and finally dining with Mastin to figure out the word.

I discovered that in the past, in order to be “seen” or feel “belonging,” I had to be perfect, sneak it and seek it (gym, tennis, friendships, work) or be alone.

The main feeling I don’t want is “unworthiness” which I had all the time in the past because I existed, wasn’t perfect, and wasn’t seen or included. The others are “disempowered” and “imprisoned.”

I was stumbling over the fact that I love being alone, but when Mastin and I talked about it more, he said I was like him – and that the “being alone” was my quality time with my SELF and Ms. Higher Power – #truestory

When I wrote this in Hawaii, my main awesome feeling word was “belonging” – and the other word was “playful adventure.” At the time, my purpose state was: The purpose of my life is to feel belonging with my Authentic Self and my Higher Power and feel the playful adventure that results while inspiring others to feel the same.

After time passed and much meditation and trying the purpose on for size and fit, however, I realized that there was a better word than “belonging” – remembering that these words are the “master” words from which all other goodness derives. My belonging has been something I created, as well as my adventures, sometimes out of nothing, sometimes out of just paying attention – so “creativity” is actually my master word.

The purpose of my life is to cultivate creativity
within myself and my Higher Power
and enjoy the adventure that results
while inspiring others to feel the same.

From that, I developed the purpose of my life’s work is to inspire creativity in my clients’ lives.

That opens the door to everything I want to do – and has opened the floodgates of infinite possibilities for myself.

Bigger AHA: Permission

On Sunday, July 6th, my real emotional breakthrough occurred. I was finally broken open enough to pull out the rotten tooth that was buried deep inside myself.

I happened to wear my swimsuit to class that day because we planned on going to the beach on our afternoon break, and I didn’t want anyone waiting for me.

I didn’t know how significant that decision was going to be.

We talked about “permission” – and that we are all probably still seeking permission from someone in order to really be present and live fully.

My assignment was to write a letter to myself from that person, giving me permission to do whatever it is I want to do, and then to write a second letter to myself FROM myself, again giving me permission to BE.

As my pen started writing, the tears started and my hands shook. I couldn’t believe that this stupid little feeling was the cement block I was tethered to. I cried and cried as I wrote, and then again as we partnered up and shared our letters.

When Mastin asked, “Who would like to share?” I raised my hand and told him that he had finally broken me open.

He handed me the microphone, and as I grabbed it from his hand, I decided that sitting in the group was not where I needed to be to declare my freedom.

I stood up and walked the short way to the “stage” and turned around to face my new friends.

I sat my bikini-clad body down in the chair with poise and elegance, and I told them the back story of these letters….

…that Mr. Ex (aka Lex Luthor) refers to me as “kids mother” on all correspondence, and actually spent quite a bit of time denying my existence. It was an emotionally abusive marriage and a far worse divorce.

Interestingly, the way I have been treated is how my kids are treated as well, so I wrote this letter for them also, with very profound consequences that reached across the ocean.

Here is my letter to myself from him:

Mindy – 
I used your name here because you deserve to have one.

You have been the most amazing mom to our kids. They thrive emotionally with you, and they are so incredible. I’m so proud of them and who they are – and I have to thank you because I never have in the 22 years I have known you.

I have never thanked you or believed in you, even though you demonstrated more times than I can count how capable you are of doing anything that’s asked of you, anything you set your mind to, and you did it all, not just to do it, but to be great at it.

Mindy – I used your name again because you deserve to have one.

When I told you what you should wear, that you weren’t attractive, not good enough, and that nobody liked you and certainly nobody would hire you for anything, I was wrong.

I understand that the more successful you are, the more you’ll give to others, especially our kids.

So if I held you back with those words, let me say this – Go and be successful, and I will send you my best wishes with peace and forgiveness. BE success and BE yourself.

Mindy – You deserve a name.
-Lex

….and then I read my letter to myself from myself…

Goddess –

You’re beautiful.
You’re smart.
You’re brave.

You exude magic and joy to everyone around you…

…and the more than 5000 clients you have had in the past 5 years should be more than enough proof, if you really need proof, that you belong to the planet and everyone in it…

…that you have a voice that expresses awesomeness and you believe in others so they can express their awesome voices. 

You never have to change WHO you are to BE who are…

…Go show the world WHO YOU ARE and tell your story – because you inspire me.

I’m so proud of the incredible difference you’ve been in making the world a better place for you and your kids…

…and I’m excited for the adventures to come!

~Love, 
Your Authentic Self & Ms. Higher Power

PS – Celebrate your awesomeness and WEAR WHATEVER THE FUCK YOU WANT!!!

It was at that point, that I received a standing ovation, screams, cheers – Mastin looked at me, applauding.

I tried to hand the microphone back to him, but he pushed it back. I bowed and curtsied – and then Dylan the DJ (also our valiant spider fetcher) turned up the music, and we had an impromptu dance party.

Mastin had me get up on the cushions and dance – I bounced like I was on a trampoline – and all of the girls were dancing and cheering and singing and laughing – It was so amazing.

Freedom was finally mine!

I don’t think Mastin had planned on having that kind of celebration after each share – but each person who followed me came to the front of the room and faced all of us –

It’s far more powerful to speak your truth face to face than sitting hidden in the audience.

Freedom, belonging, and playful adventure are giving me all that I want – and my bravery has been ignited, as I am being encouraged to speak to larger audiences and be involved in really changing the world.

It’s terrifying and exciting – Like facing that first zipline – or the top of the roller coaster.

I love my life ❤

It’s time to get that Mystique costume ready!

me dance party