The Audience of 1000

The cherry on top of the day after the last day of the second shittiest week of 2014 was a Brazilian wax –

That’s how I celebrated that my personal hell was over – With a woman with blue bangs whom I’d never met before plucking every strand of hair from my body parts – 

I also FINALLY PLAYED – and removed the “under” from “underfunned” by hanging out with all my favorite boys and my two best girls.

The first shittiest week of 2014 occurred last January in Hawaii – which was tainted with such enormous negativity that I wanted to hurl myself into the ocean with the hope that it would swallow me whole…

…and then spit me out, so I could come back as a mermaid. #splash

This last week, the shittiness was all on me and my body, the perfect storm of emotional triggers, demonic possession, and 1000 pain receptors going haywire all at once, and all surrounding a holiday and birthdays…

Basically, this period felt like Quentin Tarantino directed it

#tmi #fml

I always forget how much I dislike those…periods, holidays and birthdays…This year, it was a trifecta.

…every year, however, holidays and birthdays trick me – They say, “This is your year – THE year that you’ll discover why people love holidays and birthdays so much.”

NOT!

Nothing says bah-humbug quite like a nomadic single – and nothing feels quite as tribeless as a girl with a new tribe who all have other families. Big fat bummer.

I also made a couple of catastrophic mistakes.

I’m not sure why I continue to fuck up so royally. It would be really helpful if I stopped.

Here’s a secret: When the red devil is possessing my body, I do have satanic dreams…

aether possession

Dreams nightmares about what it would be like to have a “traditional” life where I “fit in” – have a “traditional” mom/daughter relationship with my girls, get a REAL job (whatever THAT means), and have a “boyfriend” –

…and that maybe I should be doing THAT with my life instead of remaining somewhat tribeless and bucking the system….

…while I lead this revolution against the suburban zombie apocalypse like I’m Joan Of Arc or Katniss Everdeen.

When did I volunteer as Tribute? Who signed me up to be the Mocking Jay?

But I wouldn’t even know what to do with that if I had that – What if I had a “traditional” life with a traditional “boyfriend”  – with all the labels that accompany that: leashes, dog tags, obligations…

Do I just kiss him and then leave him alone in the corner?
How often does it eat???

The week began like this: I was leaving my final client’s appointment after 11 hours of work at that point which was 6 p.m. – and I could feel exhaustion and desperation setting in –

Earlier in the day, I had noted that I was overworked and underfunned –

That is not the best space for me to be invading.

…and I could hear the ocean taunting me. Keep in mind, I live in Arizona.

I was thinking, “I need a vacation – I need a break before I break.”

…so I entered the week with a frame of mind, body, and spirit of uncontrollable burnout.

Second, Captain Amazing and I had been brainstorming about a project I’m pretty excited about. It could be enormously profitable and fun – and I want stacks of cash in my bank account – and funness.

He was describing a position – and how being in that position would maximize certain pleasure centers, and he would then demonstrate how eye contact could be made, creating and keeping “connection.”

I realized, silently in my head, “Hmmm…I don’t do that…”

…and then I got a little bit sad. I’ve only opened my eyes and made that connection with one person.

*Note, that one connection was not with the man I was married to –  probably one of the 1000 reasons I’m not. 

I have had sporadic attempts to open my eyes in the last few months … usually while he explores my juicy little peach

…all while telling myself this lie – that I keep my eyes closed so that I can feel more…

The truth is, I feel less – 

“That is the point,” said the commitmentphobe in the front row.

So after his comment, I had a little chat with myself and said, “Self – put your big girl panties on and open your fucking eyes. Keep them open.”

Of course, I think I’m invincible and that I can handle it. #wonderwoman

I thought, “I could dive in, just a bit.”

I was so wrong. I did complete the task successfully – in action – I kept my eyes open the whole time, but the results were less than favorable.

I was shaking, crying, nauseous, and my chest hurt.

The entire next day, I was overcome with waves of indescribable feelings, sheer panic, shortness of breath, uncontrollable shaking, nausea, and debilitating pain – with a red hot ball of lead just under my belly button…

…and my uterus cried – not just gentle tears, but convulsive sobs.

Thank you, Quentin Tarantino..

I don’t know how “girls” do this – all this feelings crap – I really don’t.

So I was in bed by 8 p.m. on my birthday (Wednesday) because of the pain and feeling like a bewildered nothing

 Reminder: If I know what I bring to the table, it’s okay to eat alone.

Sure I now have an audience of over 1000 on Twitter and on Facebook; I got about 200 birthday notes on Facebook and about 20 texts wishing me a happy birthday…but I was missing the only one that really I wanted.

The first phone call I received was by a gorgeous man who left an an awesome message, took me out for lunch, called me later, emailed me, and texted me.

I still felt like a nothing?why?

…a nothing with a whole lotta pain and mystifying disappointment…and then a bit anger??

I was truly pisstified.

pisstified

After I had gone to bed at 8, Youngest came in to gently awaken me and tell me that I had received a text – and that ironically it had nothing to do with my birthday.

I very groggily said, “Set the phone down.”

And then another text came in. She said, “Oh here’s another birthday text.”

I went back to sleep…until Youngest and Middlest were goofing around, and I heard a crash and a blood-curdling scream.

I jumped out of bed and went to the girls faster than Superman…I don’t know how I did it – I had probably been bitten by a bit Kryptonite.

I lifted the drawers that had fallen, moved Youngest to the bed while Middlest got ice…I put the ice on her back – Youngest was fine.

However, I was doubled over in severe pain and thought I was going to pass out or vomit or both.

I made a mad dash to the bathroom with the speed of a 90-year-old crippled sloth, and realized that I had injured my knee in the giant leap from my bed to the other room.

SHIT!

I hobbled back to bed, texted a reply, and we all tucked in for the night.

Then the girls and I began the teenage delirious overtired giggle-fest…and I remembered that the night before, Youngest had punched me in the boob while we were sleeping.

I told her this – I said, “It didn’t feel like an elbow as you were rolling over – It felt like you sat up and punched me with your fist. IT HURT SO BAD.”

She replied, “Like this?” and sat up on her knees, both fists above her head and yelled, “FOR NARNIA,” and then motioned as if she was stabbing me in the chest.

We died laughing.

It’s a thing now.

The good news is, I didn’t get a mix CD for my birthday this year that crushes my soul every time I hear it.

Bad news, I didn’t get an orgasm either….the one thing I actually wanted for my birthday –

I hope there is a raincheck floating around out there!

Stupid body – Stupid everything else!

I hate doors!!

So the next day was Thanksgiving…and I had trouble making a gratitude list. The pain was so bad and I was holding back tears.

I received a “Happy Thanksgiving” text, to which I replied, “Bah humbug. I should have had you get me drugs in Mexico. FML.”

“What’s FML?” he asked.

“Fuck my life,” I replied.

He texted back, “??? You ok?”

I spent 30 minutes typing a response, deleting it, retyping it, and deleting it, until finally I said, “Apparently not, since it took about 30 minutes to come up with a reply. Is it too early to drink? Can I borrow a cigarette?”

He called me and we talked a bit. I felt sick.

Middlest and I decided to go to the gym anyway. I just loaded myself up on pain meds so that I could push myself through this hell.

I had been taking 4 Advil per dose plus “the other stuff” so I could numb myself enough to rejoin the ranks of unicorn status so I could run again…

…run like a vampire from 1000 burning suns…

I liked the “other stuff.” I was afraid it would make me queasy or hallucinate, but it didn’t make me sick until it wore off –

…and then the pain became more than I could bear – and the hallucinations kicked in, and I thought I could successfully sext anyone on Twitter.

And then the pain and anger transformed into white hot RAGE.

anger

So I decided to rage quit. #ragequit

I had a white hot rage workout Saturday in which I beat the shit out of the basketball court with a 12-pound medicine ball –

I swear officer, I only emptied the clip in the interest of thoroughness.

I also FINALLY felt like I needed to talk to someone – but who?

I needed honest objectivity, and no woman was really going to give me that. They were going to side with the irrational hormones that were running amok, and I didn’t want to hear that.

…nor did I want to be subjected to 1000 rounds of male bashing…when I knew the answer was all within me.

Women do not understand the non-emotional workings of logic, and THAT makes me crazy. I cannot rely upon the vast majority of women to be my “go-to” anyones for any kind of advice on any subject matter at all.

…talk about feeling like a tribeless nothing…

I still needed to talk. I hadn’t spoken about the true source of my pain, except for how I hurt my knee.

…so I turned toward my teens – who are, in fact, my most objective and honest “peers” and understand how my mind works.

Middlest said, “Mom, you’re acting like a teenage girl, PLUS you have raging hormones.”

I said, “I know – and I’m not a girl!”

She said, “I know you’re not, so stop it.”

SLAP * SLAP * SLAP * SLAP * SLAP * SLAP

She gave my emptiness a name.

Closeness shouldn’t lead to disappointment, overwhelm, and excruciating pain that requires prescription pain medication – It was the demon hormones.

Sunday arrived- FINALLY – The red devil had finally been exorcised through my excessive exercising – my Brazilian was on the books, along with another lunch meeting –

…and I received an unexpected delight – a good morning with an invitation to breakfast.

Huh?

Awesome! Life was back to normal.

Breakfast was fun – except I didn’t have much of an appetite – The highlight was the “sausage incident,” which scarred my girls-

I’ve never laughed quite so hard having a sausage forcefully shoved into my mouth like that – repeatedly…

…then again, boys will be boys…

I used that situation as a teaching opportunity for Middlest – I told her they all do that. She said, “Mommy NO.”

I said, “Who else is going to be straight up and honest about what to expect?”

She said, “Good point.”

On the way to school to school today, we talked philosophically about hugging messy kids with food and dirt all over their faces.

I explained that it’s better to learn to be messy when you’re a kid – because you have to learn it at some point in your life – It might as well be when someone can help you clean up.

It’s like learning to fall down, like falling from a bike…you have to learn it and you will – It’s better learn when you’re small – It doesn’t hurt as much, and it’s easier to get up.

Then they said together, “Mom, we need to have an intervention.”

“Why,” I asked.

Middlest said, “Because you have feelings.

I said, “No I don’t.”

Youngest said, “We’ve been meaning to talk to you. You were mushy yesterday.”

I said, rather defensively, “I was NOT. I didn’t do anything remotely mushy.”

Then they made fun of me saying how cute HLB (Happiest Little Boy) is.

I said, “Well he is!”

Now I really have to rage quit!!

Speaking Of…

Speaking of…Oh Shit, Was That Today??

In the game of life, we swing like a pendulum. This post is to counteract all of the sickening sweetness that has befallen my blog.

Where’s the crass? Where are the sounds of orgasmic pleasure?

It might not be for everyone – Just saying – You may want to browse the sappy section if you are easily offended by explicit gratuitous nonsense, bad jokes, and whatever else I decide is funny to me today.

Everyone has an inner child. Chuck Norris ate his for breakfast.

The edge is calling my name – I might just put non-dishwasher-safe stuff in the dishwasher just to see what happens.

Someone said to me: Don’t fall in love – You might get hurt.

I replied: Don’t live – You might die.

I will be 900 years old on my next birthday in a couple of weeks, and my best friend is Yoda; however, when it comes to my career, passions, and purpose – I kinda feel like Ariel in The Little Mermaid

I don’t think it’s because I’m hanging out here shirtless – But I might have to rethink the tail…

Like Ariel, I wanna be where the people are – and sing about it, write about it, comb my hair with a fork.

I also collect all kinds of nonsensical crap – Some are funny things that I send to Captain Amazing because he does not participate in Twitter or Facebook or Instagram –

He’s on Fantasy Football, My Blog, and ME – not necessarily in that order, depending on the time, day, week, or season…

…Simply functioning in one position is boring anyway…just saying.

I’ve reviewed my latest blog posts to see if any are worth his eyes glancing upon them – or nawhh –

I think someone chopped down a maple tree that landed on my blog – extremely sappy – …and sap is my Kryptonite…

I need to shift gears and get out of this SHITUATION (love that word) – and rekindle my superpower of sarcasm.

Speaking of my superpowers – I found them – they were on my head with my sunglasses.

– and my Pinterest seems to be going viral. I had over 100 repins in the last 12 hours.

My phone has been lighting up like a Christmas Tree – or like a sign in Vegas.

At any rate, my inner snark has been awakened 🙂 So happy…

Here’s a little adventure – To see if I can string together some of my favorite bits of nonsense over the last couple of days into a story. #challengeaccepted

This morning, I walked to Starbucks to fetch my coffee. I was a little late because I decided to actually wipe the mascara from under my eyes before I went in –

I was standing in line, and my favorite gals were working, and finally it was my turn. Ms. Barista asked, “Venti blonde roast today?”

I said, “Oh YASSS!!”

She said, “Oh good – I got it ready for you when I saw you walk in,” as she whipped it out from behind the counter. “I was really hoping you weren’t getting something different.”

Excuse me – BARTENDER – Listen up and take notes – I expect our Jack & Diets to be ready for us the second we walk in the door also.

I am an alcohol enthusiast. The more I drink, the more enthusiastic I get.

Speaking of coffee – and I dedicate this to Captain Amazing specifically and his work making millions for the millionaires of this country –

If you see lines of ground coffee on my desk, it’s going to be one of those days. Don’t fuck with me!

Coffee lines

 

So far, I have covered two fond addictions – oh wait, there’s a third.

He texted me this morning, quite unexpectedly, especially because it was 6 a.m. I hadn’t turned the ringer on yet to say “Open For Business.”

Morning! I was just thinking of you and wanted to say hi! Have a great day! 🙂

#holyshit #canteven #feels #fuuuuuuuuuuuck #soawesome

Of course, I giggled and probably did a stupid little dance and squealed “OMG – He likes me!!!”

It’s a new day, so a free-spirited gal who lives in the moment never knows where she stands with a man, just saying. #girlsarecrazy

I live for the moment, but my moment is the hold damn thing.

I immediately locked and loaded my Kryptonian shield to block all those feels and giggles and replied:

Good morning!! Now I’m wet – cold shower time- You have a beautiful day too! Xoxox

Just keepin’ it real…

Speaking of giggles, I did have an amazing initial training session last week with my pleasure personal trainer from LELO – Lola.

She kicked my vagina’s ass! #itsathing

I actually had sore pelvic wall muscles. #wtf

The cure anytime your muscles are sore after a hard workout is to repeat the workout, which I did yesterday.

I began with Lola guiding me through the muscle contraction sequence, and I followed it up with OM – orgasmic meditation.

…just like you would stretch after a run…

It’s a great routine – LADIES – are you listening???

Sex is the sport of champions, and I’m training for my sport – I will be the best. You should be too … just saying … #sportofchampions

I’ve got gadgets and gizmos a-plenty
I’ve got whozits and whatzits galore
You want thingamabobs? – I got 20!

That’s the inventory list of the toy box in Captain Amazing’s closet –

Gentlemen – holidays are coming and you should be tooBest toys for couples – One of my favorite Christmas presents one year was a new vibrator to replace the one I wore out. ❤

Do I still have it?? Well, no…I wore that one out too 🙂 Captain Amazing is so handy that he’ll probably fix it – or give me a new one.

I did take my toy box to his place and mixed it with his toy box – Now there are 25 thingamabobs –

Our bond is strong and unspoken. We look into each other’s eyes and have the same thought. Neither of us has the key to the handcuffs.

Speaking of mixed up, did you know that you can’t spell “menstruation” without “men” or “engagement” without “gag” or “marriage” without “life sentence” ??? – #wtf

Give a man porn, and he’ll masturbate for a day. But give a man a wife, and he’ll masturbate for a lifetime.

Speaking of helping each other out, one of my new BFs on Twitter, @Douchekevin –  is only this cool because he jerked off before he got here – (thanks for unloading your weapon), Kevin (he is that bag, BTW)… 

…He had this bit of advice for the guys as well – just sharing because it is relevant to the topic…

If she’s giving you a blowjob, the least you can do is a scalp massage followed by a french braid. Maybe some highlights if she takes her time.

Speaking of weapons and the holiday season, I have a great idea for how to spend Christmas Eve – The shooting range.

Die Hardis my favorite holiday movie, and what says “Christmas in a cup” better than Fireball cinnamon whiskey and a cinnamon soy latte than an evening shooting Santa Clause targets and wearing this tank top:

fuglyxmas

Ultimately, I want to be buried with a shotgun and a box of shells. Then someday I’ll be the most badass zombie ever. #zombieapocalypse #cantbeatemjoinem

Yippee-ki-yay, motherfucker.

Speaking of motherfucker, Chuck Norris’s body guard is guarded by Chuck Norris.

From Sexcapades to Sweetcapades

Oh just a little bit sappy ❤

…and brief because sappy is just not my thing… On a scale from 1 to Even, I just can’t! #canteven

It’s important to note though – I’m a bit of a spiritual nomad. I haven’t found the root cause for my lack of roots, or more precisely, my aversion to roots…

However, I have found a tribe, so my struggle to use my wings and yet stay grounded is so very real. #thestruggleisreal

I taught myself to live in the very real, very present moment – at least what I consider real – which may be frosted with naivete and immaturity – but I really don’t care.

So each moment is a special little bubble – I rarely look ahead except in fantasy, not in reality, and certainly not when it comes to other people.

Typically my fantasies include me fighting bad guys or visiting faraway places –

My bucket list fantasy with a man, specifically Captain Amazing, is simply a sleep-all-day-sex-all-day sexcapade, which seems simple enough. It hasn’t happened in my lifetime yet, and I was married once.

…well it may have happened when I was married, but I didn’t appreciate life then, as I do now, so I don’t remember it.

I know now, since my true awakening, that each moment I encounter is absolutely precious – a sweetcapade of the highest order.

I spent another Sunday playing all day – I AM SO GRATEFUL! All kids, all fun, hanging upside down, climbing, headstands, cartwheels, chasing garbage trucks (that didn’t exist), running, spinning, laughing, dog-piling.

GRATEFUL, GRATEFUL, GRATEFUL.

My agenda or my goal or my hope or my dream, whatever you want to call it – Is to have my heart touched in such a way that I never forget how amazing this journey has been, how miraculous each moment truly is – I will always remember how I felt with them in my life.

And now I can add that I hope and dream that I will leave (or have already left) a lasting impression on these hearts too – so no matter what happens tomorrow, a year from now, or 10 years from now – they will always remember how they felt with me in their lives, in these moments.

These moments are brief – they are each a bubble filled with magic and happiness – And each one is so special to me.  And their smiles and curious gazes just fill my entire being with warmth and joy.

They may not remember my name years down the road – I don’t know how long we will get to play together –

But I will treat each day that I get to spend with them as the very special gift it is, knowing that the game might have to be called because of darkness, rain, lightning, thunder, or comfort.

I’m terrified and yet NOT because I’ve already won.

I WIN!!! ❤

Day #2

June 28, 2014

4:01 a.m.: Yes, the alarm went off that early.

I hit the snooze twice today though.

It’s Saturday. I’m entitled to sleep in.

Approximately 18 minutes later, I got up.

I drank my water…walked into the bathroom...”Hey crazy hair again.”

I took care of the bathroom business and waved to my reflection as I left the bathroom. I walked into the kitchen.

Hungry?? Not hungry?? Too early to tell.

Really???!!! I still only have instant coffee…

That’s the crap reality when I don’t go to the store.

I prepared my instant coffee, pretending it was fresh brewed…

I grabbed my phone to respond to any overnight texts I might have received and sat down at my “desk” which is a great spot on the floor up against a wall, legs out stretched, laptop on my lap.

BTW, I need a new computer. This laptop is crap. The mouse has never worked properly and now doesn’t work at all.

Maybe my book people will donate a computer to my mission – preferably one that is not shitty.

I then checked email quickly, took care of a few bookkeeping items from massage work yesterday so I wouldn’t forget, and then proceeded to type out yesterday’s events.

I finished my coffee and remembered my oatmeal in the fridge – the one I forgot to take to work yesterday.

I warmed it up and mentally planned my morning: Eat, shower, gym, Whole Foods for groceries, home, eat, walk to limo (bus), work – now we are into the afternoon – walk to limo (bus), and return home.

I’m fried now – need more coffee-

Instead of more coffee, I just ate my oatmeal.

A notification from WordPress popped up in my iPad – I just created my 100th post!

Hot Damn! I’ll post that on Facebook.

That’s an appropriate announcement for my FB friends.

Yesterday somebody posted that he was out of toilet paper and was going to say “bye bye” to his socks.

Yuck! Really???? #nowords

I ate my oatmeal as I composed an email for a client/friend.

To: MZ & EM
Subject: introductions

Good morning Mr. M and Ms. E!

I’m introducing the two of you – please meet each other 🙂

Mr. M – Ms. E is traveling to Chicago from Arizona for the summer. This is a brave bold move for her (I’m so proud!!) – She will be looking for some restaurant work and a place to rent.

Perhaps you know some people that would be a good connection for her while she’s there. Maybe your son Mr. A??

I miss chatting with you! I have great stories – I head to Maui on Wednesday. Take care – wherever the heck you are!

Ms. E- Safe travels, Girl! I’m happy that you’re doing this. Grab the world and LIVE!! 🙂

Mr. M replied rather promptly, welcoming Ms. E to the windy city, and that he is looking forward to meeting her and would introduce her to his son who lives in Old Town and manages one of the city’s finest restaurants.

I texted Ms. E in case she wasn’t on her email to let her know that Mr. M responded and that she was now connected in a city where she didn’t know anybody. She was absolutely thrilled.

❤ These are the little followup things that I love doing for people – I do it all the time because it makes me happy ❤

I hadn’t yet replied to the text from Mr. Naive the night before, so I took the opportunity to do so, informing him that I have my kids this weekend and tons of work and that I go to Maui on Wednesday.

I finished my oatmeal and put the dish in the dishwasher.

Shower time!

Yes, I shower before the gym. It’s a ritual I started many years ago to eliminate the “I don’t have time to go to the gym” excuse.

I walked into the bathroom and stripped off my jammies. I looked in the mirror and examined my bod –

Hmmm… I have more work to do… Today will need to be weights and cardio…

I was assessing my physical appearance while plotting my gym strategy.

As I was getting in the shower, Captain Amazing floated through my brain…

“Shit, now I’m really horny. Frick the world – Gawd he turns me on!” #raginghormones

Rechannel, rechannel, rechannel.

Is it Monday yet? #ineedmysugar

There’s just a bit too much down time between our fun-time sessions….just saying.

Most weeks, by the time Thursday rolls around, I start to get these weird cravings for … Well sex … And conversation … But more sex …

… And Friday is worse. #ineeditbad

I’m trying to find other things to occupy my mind, this daily journal being one of them. It’s not that I don’t have things to do… I have too much to do.

Having wet panties with no outlet makes my hands shake, and I get these odd tingling sensations over my skin – and sort of a chest pain – and that craving.

…the sad thing is (or good thing, depending on how you look at it), all of that goes away the minute I hear his voice.

He must be my drug of choice at the moment – that’s the only explanation. #denialisbliss

I finished showering, quickly threw on my workout clothes, put my debit card in my shirt pocket, and grabbed my keys, water, and phone.

I left the apartment and walked across the street to the gym.

My workout was a sweaty affair, just like I like it. I went a little heavier with the weights, since I’ll have 7 days of yoga, walking, hiking, and sleeping for exercise in Hawaii.

8:30 a.m.: As my cool-down from my sweaty exercise affair at the gym, I walked in the +100-degree heat to Whole Foods. I selected the few grocery items we needed, like baked chicken nuggets and fruit, and I saw some grass-fed beef burger patties for dinner.

And because my delicate region was feeling delicate and slightly “teary” (damp) – with no hope of attention until Monday – a few chocolate-covered espresso beans were definitely in order. #detoxshmetox

I walked home, made a small meal of vegetables and meat and ate my chocolate espresso beans for dessert. I packed my spicy lemonade and protein for snacks, and went back out into the heat to catch my ride. I texted Nxrd #14758 and got my limo’s pickup time: 10:10.

The limo (bus) arrived and picked me up. I greeted the driver – “Good morning” – and the robust black man greeted me back with an equally resounding “good morning” followed by a genuine “thank you” when I deposited my $2 into the money-taking machine.

He and the other two passengers (I like to share the ride) were having a discussion about the weather, specifically how intolerable cold weather is, which is obviously ironic considerably it was intolerably hot outside. #arizonahell

The lady from Michigan exited the limo (bus) at her stop, The Rack, and the rest of us continued the conversation, with the limo (bus) driver shifting gears ever so slightly to the topic of bucket list destinations – London being one of his.

He shared that he wants to travel the world – and preferred to be accompanied by a lady friend. In addition, he said that finding a quality someone to date is extremely difficult. #gotthatright

“Do you know how hard it is to find someone who is compatible with you? Someone that you actually get along with?” the retired cop limo (bus) driver asked.

“Oh, I know for sure,” I replied.

“No offense,” he offered, “but most women want to know how much my pension is. I just want to date – I don’t need the other stuff.” 

“Yep, it should be fun and make your life better, not worse,” I said.

“I like you,” he said. “I’ve had lots of really fine, fine women – hot women. But it’s not about the looks anymore. No ma’am. It’s about the heart now.”

The limo (bus) turned onto Thunderbird and made it’s way to the luxurious lobby (park and ride) and came to a stop to drop me off.

I stood up and walked up to the robust, honest, awesome man driving me around. I held out my hand and introduced myself.

“My name is Don. Nice to meet you, Mindy,” he said. And he added, “My, you’ve got quite a grip there. Can I have my fingers back?”

…and he gave a hearty laugh as I stepped off out of the limo (bus) – I waved goodbye and wished him a very good day.

I popped my headphones in and walked the few blocks to my studio.

11:00 a.m. to 4:45 p.m.: Clients…

Update on American Assassin: Mitch Rapp capped a German dude with poodles, who cared more about his dogs than his wife –

– So the book contained a great deal of realism.

Apparently Mitch Rapp doesn’t take any crap when interrogating the terrorists.

~

After work, I came home and made the burgers – put pajamas on (it was 5:30 p.m.) – and sat at my “desk” on the floor.

Mr. Naive and I texted a little more. He responded to my trip to Maui – confessing that he has never left the States.

I replied, “I gotta teach you how to LIVE!”

He said he needed money to do that – That to date women requires money.

I said, “Dates shouldn’t cost money – my FUNNEST dates have been free…If a gal makes you spend money, she’s not worth it. Blanket under the stars.”

He confessed that his last ex “paid for everything because she loved me for who I am not for materialistic items. I’ll find another woman who loves me the same but doesn’t smoke weed, lie, or has ex-baggage.”

#wow #nowords

I gave him my tough-love bitchslap – “Yeah, I don’t think she loved you – not the way you want – I think she needed a warm body. I can say that because I’ve been that warm body before – and it sucks. I also have been valued – and the two feel very different.”

He said, “You are very interesting. I really like you. BTW you’re welcome to come over anytime – movie and grab some food – if you need to get away from things.”

I said, “Thank you!”

I chuckled. Poor Mr. Naive – “I’m glad he thinks I’m cool but no one should be that lonely.”

I put the phone back on the charger, making sure the ringer was turned off.

Youngest and I watched some New Girl on my iPad while I typed up my day.

❤ I love Nick Miller. ❤

…and my bed…

Day #1

June 27, 2014

4:01 am: Yes, I get up that early. I did ask myself why I was getting up that early. “Oh yeah, I have to work at 9am.”

I drank my water, walked to the bathroom – My reflection in the mirror greeted me: “Wow, that’s some crazy-ass hair.” 

I made my way to the kitchen in the dark. The kids were with me so I didn’t want to wake them.

Damn – only instant coffee.

“I really need to go to the store.” 

This was a week when I shared my car with Middlest – so running errands was not going to be happening.

I made my hot water with the coffee maker – so it would sound like “real” coffee. #illusions #delusions

I was supposed to be detoxing anyway – avoiding caffeine – because of my Maui trip on Wednesday. The Daily Love “Enter The Heart” retreat.

Up until today, I had been too exhausted to even consider what to do in my free time while I am there. SLEEP-

However, I sat down with my hot instant coffee and pulled up some maps of the Lumeria Resort and surrounding area, along with the schedule for the retreat. I didn’t want to be over-scheduled.

“Do I want to rent a car? I only have 3 hours of free time every afternoon – of course there is the morning. The sun comes up around 7, I think. Hmmm…”

And then I saw a zipline adventure very close to Lumeria – YAHOO!!!

I messaged the others going on the trip using our private Facebook group – I informed them that I was doing this in case anyone else wanted to. I picked my last day because our retreat finishes at 12, and zipline super adventure starts at 1.

PERFECT!!!

Done – I shot an email to Captain Amazing. He is going to Maui after me for 2 weeks. It might be something he would enjoy doing while he is on the island with his brother and the Tons O’ Kids. #insane

He returns the day I leave for Anaheim – my trip to Disneyland with Tons O’ Kids. #insane

July is going to be awesome and suck at the same time. #likeavirgin

6:00 a.m.: – Shower time!

7:00 a.m.: – I walked to the gym, and while I was there, I realized I didn’t have time to work out because I had to be at work too early. So I left and walked home.

I made breakfast and packed snacks for the day. I decided to eat my meat and vegetables for breakfast because I wasn’t going to have enough time to eat properly between clients.

I made some oatmeal to take to work with me.

8:20 a.m.: – I walked to the pickup stop for my ride. “Damn – it’s hot already.”

Note to self – remember to pack an extra shirt. #sweaty

I then realized I remembered my vegetable juice and protein powder, but I forgot to bring my food. “Damn – I’m going to be hungry.”

I approached the pickup stop and watched my ride drive off. I checked my watch.

Note to self – Ride is at 8:35.

I texted the ride service to summon a new driver (yes, it’s the city bus, but I’m pretending like it’s my own stretch limo service. It feels better to me.)

Next ride 8:55.

I had enough time to pop into the bank and deposit my millions – plus get out of the heat while I waited for the bus.

I informed my teller that I had just a few minutes before my limo (bus) was picking me up, so please be speedy counting my wealth.

Done – and I quickly walked back to my stop. Two minutes later, I boarded my limo (bus) which was super air conditioned.

Note to self – If I’m really hot, take the limo (bus) and just ride around for a while.

9:07 a.m.: My limo driver (bus driver) dropped me off at the luxurious lobby (park and ride) – and I walked the 3 blocks to my studio.

I texted a few people while I walked – asked Youngest if she would like to get pedicures on Sunday…contacted my linen dude to inform him my studio would be closed for two weeks in July…I asked him if we could adjust my payment since they wouldn’t need to be picking up, washing, and dropping off during those times. He agreed.

I am glad I have had the right men in my life to encourage me to negotiate for myself. That little deal paid for my zipline adventure!

9:17 a.m.: I arrived at the studio at the same time as my first client. She offered me a ride from one side of the parking lot to the other side.

“Thanks – I got this” 🙂

We laughed.

9:20 a.m. through 12:00 p.m. Two clients. We caught up on life. Ms. Cross-Fit wants me to teach her how to really live and to travel. I have a few others who do too – The reason for this daily journal – To see what I do and how I do it so others can copy my formula.

12:30 p.m.: Next client – Mr. Trainer. He is a new daily client – Yep, massage every day. We are doing something really cool though. Instead of listening to music, we are listening to an audio book.

We are reading American Assassinby Vince Flynn. It’s really good.

I think a few other clients are going to follow suit. I’ll be well-read again.

12:30 to 5:30: Clients, one of whom is my gorgeous chiropractor. He calls me “honey” which I adore. He and I talked about our mutual clients/patients and how they are doing – we also talked about life outside of our healing practices – He asked how I handle dating a client.

“Oh, they have to schedule and pay,” I said.

I had dated one man early in my career who was not a client but expected and requested a massage nearly ever day. I harbored a lot of resentment, especially when I found myself back in the zombie apocalypse with him.

I vowed I would not do that again. Subsequently I dated another man who did the same thing – expected a free massage whenever he wanted it.

He didn’t understand – I explained, “That’s like you coming home from work and me asking you to do more work.” He still didn’t understand.

That relationshit was short-lived. I am nobody’s slave.

5:30 p.m.: Middlest texted me from the parking lot, informing me that she had arrived to pick me up. I finished cleaning up the room, locked up, and went outside to the car.

We were on our way home and I asked her if she had eaten – She hadn’t, so I suggested we go out for sushi for happy hour.

5:45 p.m.: We pulled into the lot at Sushi Brokers and grabbed a table. I ordered a spicy suno mono to drink for myself and ordered a virgin one for her – she had to try this. We ordered spicy edamame, California roll, and a surfer roll. She hadn’t tried a surfer roll yet either.

We had the awesomest date. We chatted about boys – the ones we like, the ones we don’t like. She even asked how I was doing with Captain Amazing.

“He’s like us??” she asked.

“Yes! He plays – and he’s not serious. We played video games,” I replied.

“Gawd you needed that! That’s awesome,” she said.

Then she and I talked about us and our family and our relationship with each other – How really great it is that we can talk to each other – How we handled the ups and downs together – and how much fun we were having in life and in that moment doing sushi happy hour together.

6:44 p.m.: Crap – I have a massage at 7. I grabbed my phone and texted Mr. Thai-Massage to inform him that I would be a few minutes late.

I dropped her off and zoomed to Mr. Thai-Massage. This was my third massage for the week because I went too long between massages. #muchneededbinge

The first two of the week hurt like hell.

7:10 p.m.: He and I chatted for a few minutes while I put my belongings in the closet.

He is another member of my fan club who lives vicariously through my life. 🙂

…and then I got my massage, which did not hurt. I drifted in and out of sleep – awesomeness.

10:00 p.m.: Yes, my massages are that long – Thanks, Mr. Thai-Massage – I was dressed, and we wrapped up – He told me that if I didn’t get the book deal, he would give me one because my stories are EPIC!

Damn straight!

I told him I would see him in August – I left and drove home.

I received a text from a new guy friend Mr. Naive.

In the land of Singles, 10 p.m. is known as the “Witching Hour” – where the “lonelies” set in, and he was suffering from that. He said he missed snuggling with his girlfriends.

I replied: “I understand. But snuggling and sleeping should not be done at the same time.”

He agreed.

I thought to myself, “I’m so glad I’m passed all that – the lonelies in the night.”

To be cordial, I asked him what was on the agenda for the weekend. He replied with his plans and informed me that he was open after that –

My cordiality left me – I did not reply.

10:20 p.m.: Middlest was in bed. I greeted Oldest and told him I would go to the store the next day to pickup up the short grocery list he had texted me earlier in the day.

I put my phone on the charger and made sure the ringer was off.

If I was going to receive texts all night, I didn’t want to know about it until the next day.

I put on my Victoria’s Secret T-shirt pajamas – so soft – brushed my teeth – grabbed my Ipad – and tucked myself in.

I love my bed.

 

 

 

Skeletons In My Closet

Skeletons In My Closet: Maybe A Dementor Or Two

So, you know in horror movies when the girl says: 

“Oh no – I just heard a noise – I think there’s something in the basement. I’m going to run down there into the pitch black dark…in my underwear… and investigate…”

…And then she realizes she doesn’t have a weapon or a clue or any intelligence whatsoever…

…And you’re yelling at her through the TV or movie screen: “NOO! STOP!! Get help!!”

… But it’s too late – She’s already getting eaten by zombies. #ZombieInTheBasement

This story is just like that…

Demons are like obedient dogs; they come when they are called.

One night, Captain Amazing and I were having a conversation on the patio.

He asked me, “So do you have any skeletons in your closet?”

Hmmm…

I thought and thought … I saw a tumbleweed blow through the empty space in my head … Nothing.

tumbleweed

“Sadly, no,” I replied.

I was horrified at this.

How could I, the girl who loves to live, who does stupid embarrassing things, have no skeletons in any of my closets??

There’s got to be SOMETHING! I can’t be THAT boring, can I?? 

horror

The next day, I packed my bag, grabbed my weapons and cleaning supplies, and went on a treasure hunt for skeletons – to find some secret that I could share with him.

I walked to my destination – 69 miles 🙂

I arrived at the long corridor of closets.

hallway-doors

Each door was marked with a social subject.

I took a deep breath and faced the first door: Adventures In Sex.

Might as well start with the good stuff!

I opened the door. It was a beautiful, well-furnished room. It was well-lit and it smelled divine –

I inhaled deeply. I could smell my signature fragrance mix, Coco Chanel Mademoiselle and Love Spell… #ScentOfAWoman

… along with my favorite “man scent” – I have no idea what brand of cologne it was…  #ScentOfMan

…I just know that when I smell it, my passion fires up instantly, I get goosebumps everywhere, and my panties are instantly wet. #Instant-O

The last time I smelled that “man scent” was last fall. I had gone to a Bikram Yoga class with Mr. KC. It had been 5 or 6 months since we had “hung out” together.

Of course, in class, I positioned my mat in front of him, slightly left, so that he would have to look at my fine ass 🙂 I’m not stupid.

After that super sweaty yoga session, we went to our respective locker rooms to shower and clean up because we were going to dinner after.

I didn’t rush, but I didn’t want to take too long either.

I finished beautifying myself and walked into the hall – WHIFF – oh my god – I could smell his “man scent” in the hall.

My knees got weak, my eyes rolled into the back of my head, and I purred. I took a few deep breaths, and realized I was having a mini-orgasm. #ohmy

YUMMY!

That’s what the Adventures In Sex room was like –

We are all born sexual creatures, thank God, but it’s a pity so many people despise and crush this natural gift.

I returned from that jaunt down memory lane and continued to look for the skeletons.

I had been in this spacious closet many times after the divorce, cleaning and polishing, making it pretty. It had been a long process, letting the skeletons out of this room…

…and they weren’t really skeletons…they were just taboo subjects that I wasn’t allowed to talk about.

And that’s really what a skeleton is – something you’re ashamed of –

When you’re trapped in the zombie apocalypse, the skeletons hunt you down to keep you there…throw the Insecurity Blanket on you.

If you’re able to speak the skeleton’s name and give it a hug, then you’re able to set yourself free and clean out the closet.

As I had set each skeleton free, I had replaced it with a photograph – a memory.

And then the room and former skeletons didn’t haunt me anymore.

I went around the room and looked at my memories, and I saw the following: Naked pictures and sexting – I have quite a collection and someone out there has quite a collection – Drunk sex that I don’t remember at all … public sex a few times – 🙂 High-five myself! …

… sex with a man who was not my boyfriend when I had one – not a fine moment.

There were friends-with-benefits. #fwb

Oooo, a threesome in college – two men and me- 🙂 High-five myself! Although there was no “full sex,” it still counts. #tricycle

I’ve FAKED AN ORGASM!!! – Duh, what girl hasn’t???!!!

ELAINE: I faked it.
JERRY: That whole thing, the whole production, it was all an act?
ELAINE: Not bad huh?
JERRY: What about the breathing, the panting, the moaning, the screaming?
ELAINE: Fake, fake, fake, fake.

I have enjoyed erotic literature – and learned how to give a blow job by reading porn.

I have also masturbated while driving a car in broad daylight – That was some kind of awesome – again high-five myself! 🙂

Ducking for apples — change one letter and it’s the story of my life.

No extra-marital affairs on my part though – I would NOT have done it, but in hindsight, it is a little disappointing that there was never the opportunity.

I was a zombie though – who wants to be with a zombie??

It’s a pretty tame list – but long enough that I can’t be President of the United States, which is fine. #highfivemyself

I don’t know who would want that suck-ass job anyway.  #suckstosuck

As I walked around, I found a small box under the bed. It was unmarked, but I recognized it.

“Ok – good,” I thought.

It’s not a HUGE deal, but I’m not throwing into my public list, so it qualifies as something that I can share. Sweet!

I finished in this room – I put the little box in my backpack.

Other than that, there is nothing terribly exciting to report here, and since he is a man, his list is probably full of awesomeness – not that I’m comparing lists –

I left the Adventures In Sex room and moved on to the next room: Legal and Anti-Legal

I solemnly swear that I am up to no good.

Oh my – this should be fun!

The door was creaky and a little stuck – It hadn’t been opened in a long time. The room was dark and dusty, with a few cobwebs here and there. I took out my flashlight and began looking around.

I saw the places where the skeletons used to be – where they left a shadowy outline – but the skeletons were gone.

One shadowy outline was marked –  Jail…

I chuckled at that thought – Actually, kissing a boy saved my ass and prevented me from getting into REAL trouble. 🙂

That exciting adventure – can be found right here >> Singing Jail-Bird

I walked around this room – all that remained was getting kicked out of a bar for dancing on a table and stealing shot glasses.

Oh, and stealing toilet paper out of public bathrooms to go TP houses occasionally.

Pretty tame – no skeletons here.

I left that room, shut the door, and looked across the hall. There were two doors: One was labeled Food And Self-Loathing, and the other was unmarked.

Shame is a soul-eating emotion.

I didn’t really need to go inside the Food And Self-Loathing room because that is a closet I frequent often, and I have its contents memorized.

This area is constantly being explored as I heal, grow, and learn. When I was young, the Adventures In Sex room was full of skeletons – Those memories that I celebrate now weren’t events I embraced 25 years ago.

I can say that like probably many other teen girls in the 1980s, I dabbled in starving myself. When I was a senior in high school, I ran to school every morning, a couple of miles, and I only ate an apple for lunch – often that was all I ate…

…because once I outgrew the “baby fat” – I didn’t want that coming back.

And then I learned how to be bulimic from Meredith Baxter-Birney an NBC television movie “Kate’s Secret” – #tviseducational

That became an on-again, off-again routine in self-punishment for anything I was feeling bad about throughput most of college. A binge was comforting, until I had guilt, and then I had to punish myself.

If you liked being a teenager, there’s something really wrong with you.

It was a vicious circle – and it kept opening up wounds inside my soul.

And I still never wanted to be fat.

Not everyone purges – But the most frequent feelings of helplessness that I hear from clients when it comes to food – the cravings and the binge… and then the guilt that follows.

And the binge is an attempt to stuff that empty hole inside yourself with something that isn’t going to hit you, yell at you, or tell you bad things about you…

…or fill the lonely void or the boredom – or to just stop feeling anything at all for just little while.

I have an understanding about the perpetual dieter’s plight – insight into his/her disease – that a meal plan is not going to cure.

No skeletons here anymore.

Accept who you are. Unless you’re a serial killer.

I went to the last room on this hallway tour: The scary unmarked door.

“I wonder what’s in there…” I thought.

I opened the door – There was fog hovering over the ground and a chill in the air. I shivered as I stepped inside.

The door slammed behind me, leaving me in the dark. I removed my flashlight and turned it on.

I shone my light throughout the room. I didn’t see anything except cobwebs and fog, and then I saw stairs leading down into a basement.

I took a deep breath, walked toward the stairs, and descended.

It is the unknown we fear when we look upon death and darkness, nothing more.

Go ahead and yell at me – NOOO!! STOP!!! GET HELP!!!

I reached the bottom of the stairs and I arrived in an empty room…

…empty except for three ring boxes on the floor, each unmarked.

I walked over to the boxes and picked up the first one. I examined it and shook it – nothing rattled. It seemed fairly familiar. My stomach did a little flip-flop.

I lifted the lid and a chilly mist arose from it. I looked inside. Oh, yeah…

I put the lid back on, set the box down, and then approached the second box.

The second box started jumping around before I picked it up.

My hands started to shake and I slowly reached for that box…

The lid popped off and startled me. I jumped back, and my left ear began to hurt – searing pain – I fumbled around for the lid to put it back on tightly. The box settled down, but my hands did not stop shaking.

I placed that box back on the floor, and I moved to the third box.

As I stepped toward this third box, my ear was throbbing, and then my shoulder ached – the two most significant injuries in my body –

Terror, when you come home and notice everything you own had been taken away and replaced by an exact substitute. It’s when the lights go out and you feel something behind you, you hear it, you feel its breath against your ear, but when you turn around, there’s nothing there…

I heard a haunted howl – like a banshee – I reached down and lifted the lid.

A Dementor-like creature, 10 feet high, covered in a dark hooded cloak of long, ripped black cloth, emerged from the box. Its body looked like a decomposing corpse, and it breathed deep rattling sounds –

It held out one scaly hand to grab me, and the other hand clutched an Insecurity Blanket – This thing wanted to suck out my soul and turn me into a zombie.

Of course, I had to use the Patronus charm – Expecto Patronum – to defend myself. #harrypotterrules

The creature was sucked back into the box. I shoved the lid back on and sealed it – and then I turned and ran up the stairs as fast as I could.

I ran out of the unmarked door and locked it.

I can run fast because I train with the Zombie Apocalypse Survival Workout.

Those will remain there – untouched – locked away. 

I walked out into the sunlight and reached into my backpack for a piece of chocolate.

All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn’t hurt.

Feeling quite relieved that I found skeletons, I walked the 69 miles back home.

I’m not so boring after all

There are a few demons that I have no intention of sharing…not yet anyway. There are still problems that need solving.

 

 

 

 

 

Quotes above are by Remy de Gourmont, Marilyn Monroe, Seinfeld, Dorothy Parker, JK Rowling, CG Jung, Ellen DeGeneres, Stephen King, Charles Schultz.

Confessions: Part 1 – I Got A Rock

Confessions: Part 1 – I Got A Rock

Oooooo, confessions –  intrigue. #inquiringminds

What do I have left to confess? I’ve shared my goals, which are unconventional at best or possibly ludicrous …

… I am slightly closer to being Mystique though, which brings me such joy 🙂

I am also a girl, but there is not much to confess there…or is there??

I am grateful to be a woman…

…I must have done something great in another life.

The Universe truly blessed me with being female – and the Universe made me straight – I’m grateful for both.

Most of the girls I know – even though I love them – are too crazy to date. #girlsarenuts #boxofcats

Therefore, I’m happy to not be a lesbian.

…as a nonconformist, unconventional girl, I just have to keep a lid on my crazy… #xfactor

… because I love boys. I love hanging out with them and when they seemingly forget that I am a girl. That makes me happy.

Boys, on the other hand, are just stupid. #yfactor

I remind my daughters frequently how fortunate they are to have a single dating female for a mom – I know what’s going on in the world and share my wisdom with them.

Whereas the women who have been married for a century and living in suburbia are just slightly naive – and crazy – and possibly zombies. #zombieapocalypsenextdoor

No matter how cute a boy is, how much you like him, how amazing he is – he is still a boy and still stupid. If you keep your boundaries around that information, then you’ll be OK –

I tell them: Feel free to feel whatever you want because a boy is eventually going to do something stupid… He can’t help it. #youcantfixstupid

…and we girls…well, we’re just crazy. #crazybitches

To launch my confessional to the world, I am going to start from an area of vulnerability, because I believe that’s at the heart of the matter, and I will be using Brené Brown’s definition from Daring Greatly: How the Courage to Be Vulnerable Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent, and Lead

I define vulnerability as uncertainty, risk and emotional exposure. With that definition in mind, let’s think about love. Waking up every day and loving someone who may or may not love us back, whose safety we can’t ensure, who may stay in our lives or may leave without a moment’s notice, who may be loyal to the day they die or betray us tomorrow — that’s vulnerability.

So that’s where I am, sitting here on a Friday, having just finished work, feeling blah, for reasons that are just not clear to me. And then it hits me –

I’m such a “girl”!

There was a cliffhanger ending in the Adventures of Captain Amazing, with the greatest phone call I’ve ever received in my life last Friday morning (it was a week ago??) – It was just like a movie.

I’m surprised I didn’t fall down the stairs like a drunk person while I was on the phone – #tripping #stumbling #clumsy

That day, my feet didn’t touch the ground. I don’t even remember what else I did – worked or some other nonsense – but I do remember giggling a lot that entire Friday.

Our plan, even before “the phone call” was to go hiking the next day, Saturday. The entire group was invited, but he and I were the only two who could go.

Because of his decision to unlive rather than embrace life, (I already said that boys are stupid), and his departure earlier in the week to zombieland to wrestle with demons, it was a potentially super awkward situation to be in, for both of us, although probably more so for me.

However, since I’m an unconventional girl, and his friendship means more to me than I can even comprehend on a logical or intellectual level, I was going to go regardless… awkward or not …

… I can deal with “awkward” – However, I cannot deal with regret or missing out on a fun time simply because there is a bump in the road to hop over. I’ll take my chances and hop …

When we spend our lives waiting until we’re perfect or bulletproof before we walk into the arena, we ultimately sacrifice relationships and opportunities that may not be recoverable, we squander our precious time, and we turn our backs on our gifts, those unique contributions that only we can make.

…But he called me and apologized instead…so all potential weirdness became awesomeness.

Saturday morning arrived, and so did Captain Amazing at my apartment at 5am to pick me up – I had brewed coffee and prepared snacks for the day. The plan was to be out hiking for approximately 10 hours, depending on what we found.

I packed chicken quesadillas, apples, and homemade chocolate chip protein cookies. << click here for recipes

Of course, he opened the truck door for me – I notice things like that (see above – I am a girl).

The trail was about an hour away by car, Badger Springs, so we had plenty of time to chat about the week, including all of the events he encountered with the zombies (and witches?? There are witches in the zombie apocalypse??)

…and we talked about the little things that happened here, in the awesome land of the living, and we shared conversation about all kinds of everything and nothing – surprisingly effortlessly.

We arrived at our destination – We were the only ones there (good? bad? – who cares??).

We parked with enough room in the empty dirt circle that others could park their vehicles, should they arrive as well.

It was a true adventure – Neither of us had been to this place before, nor did we know what to expect necessarily.

I trusted his leadership abilities, so I assigned myself my own tasks, like the food, keeping up without any complaining, and just being cute.

We loaded our gear and began our walk to the trail head. He signed our names in the guestbook.

As we began our journey to the unknown, he said, “You know we might get wet, right? There are rivers to cross.”

I said, “Cool – I’m prepared for anything.”

He said, “That’s my girl.”

Ok – can I just say that I really like it when he says that – a lot!! It makes me feel special.

The hike began with soft sand that descended somewhat into a canyon. We were going into a riverbed. Then it was all boulders – no trail, just giant rocks. It was so awesome.

It was like a game of follow-the-leader mixed with a puzzle – It was the ultimate 3D live-action video game!! #nerdfitness

We had to figure out where we were going to step next, sometimes deciding the wrong way which led to a giant leap down, and then figuring out other ways to get down and around the rocks.

It was so much fun. We took turns leading, but I preferred him in front. It was less stressful for me to follow.

I kept thinking, “Don’t die – or worse, sprain your ankle.”  #priorities

…and then he would tell me to be careful and not to sprain my ankle – WTF???  #psychic

We continued on, with little change in the landscape except for more foliage, which ended up in his socks and shoes.

I wore pants – He wore shorts. I secretly high-fived myself for doing something right without coaching!

After a couple of hours, we reached a point where we had to make a decision: Either we continue on to see more rocks and not much else, or we could turn around and see what other glorious adventures we could squeeze into our day.

We turned around – opting for squeezing more in – and we climbed back in the direction of the trail head.

bouldering adventure

We came to a big rock that was fairly flat and elevated like a ledge. We stopped there and “made camp” to pick the stickers out of his socks and have a snack….

… ❤ and other activities ❤ …

At first, I wasn’t fully mentally prepared for the “other activities,” but I snapped out of my mental dysfunction.

I had originally intellectually compartmentalized this day as “this is a hike between friends” #friendzone – even though he came back from the zombies.

It was a rough 4 days having to face the grim reality of a sexless existence, when I had the perfect game all planned out full of blissful sexual encounters.

I guess it just surprised me when he confessed that he had been scouting out for the perfect rock to play on.

And I surprised myself that I had not been thinking about that, especially when I had just been faced with a sexless existence. #friendzoneforever

In my defense, I actually was trying to not die or sprain an ankle. …

… But yay!! I recovered from that sexless friend-zone-only coma –

Thank the Universe that it was ONLY 4 DAYS – and hopefully I will not need to dwell in THAT hell again!

(Caveat – boys are stupid, so there is always the possibility – I will just play equally dumb and not think about it).

Life is short – Play naked.

He sat on the rock, and I was standing on the ground while we finished cleaning up his socks. I climbed up on the rock and sat with him.

I sat in front of him between his legs, my back to his chest, and he wrapped his arms around me, clutched my breasts, and I reached up behind me, grabbed his neck, and he kissed me. Ahhhh… (I’m such a girl)

…so was I willing to go there? – in nature?

“Mmmmm, challenge accepted,” I said.

I’m an adventurous unconventional girl – and yes, I did – I got fully undressed on the rock.

I got the most awesome bruise on my knee from that episode. I’m always hoping for a bruise or other mark that indicates that someone has been there on my body.

Afterward, we reclined on the rock, basked in the sun, and listened to nature … and we talked more… the sun felt really good.

There was a rock in front of us that had a chunk missing – it looked like a big button for a secret passageway. We were both hoping a new cave would be revealed and we would have more to explore.  #nerdimagination

We got dressed. He jumped down from our rock and made his way over to that rock – He pushed the “button” – nothing visibly happened. DRAT!

We grabbed our gear carried on.

He said, “I love that I said ‘let’s have sex on that rock,’ and you said, ‘ok’ and didn’t even think about it.”

YES! Successful non-conventional super-cool goddess girl wins major brownie points for being naked in nature and doing it on a rock!!! High-five me!

And then he made this astute observation: “We have had sex on every hike we’ve been on.”

I said, “Yes we have. It’s a great goal. Let’s add that to our list of rules…and continue the streak.”

He added, “…and after every trip to the grocery store…”

And we laughed and then imagined what that would be like, putting the frozen food away, leaving some bags on the counter, so we could push them off the counter in the throes of passion, so we could do it on the counter!!!

❤ That’s so hott! ❤

**sigh** Here is someone who thinks like me – I never knew anyone who thought like me.

As we meandered back toward the trail head, we came upon the area of soft sand. I noticed areas of burned foliage, and the landscape didn’t look as familiar as I expected it to look.

“I don’t remember seeing that many burned trees,” I remarked.

We rounded a corner and came upon a group of men on the side of the mountain surrounded by freshly burned brush and trees – FIREMEN!

“Oh, I love firemen,” I said.

Shit, did I just say that out loud to the man I just had sex with on a rock??!! I have no filters.

We wished them a very chipper “good morning” (we just had sex – why wouldn’t we be chipper??) and we chatted with them a bit. They asked us if anyone else was down in the canyon. We said no, that we were the only ones.

They probably knew that – They may have wandered in and perhaps watched us. It wouldn’t be the first time, probably won’t be the last.

As it turned out, they were doing controlled burns on the hills – So while we were playing on the rocks, the firemen were blocking access to where we were (thanks for the privacy, gentlemen).

We reached the truck and began our drive back to town – chatting and being completely at ease –

We still had time to spend together before we had to adjourn to our “real lives,” so we decided to see a movie.

We bought tickets to Godzilla – We would have seen X-Men, but we were both obligated to see that the next day with our kids.

Godzilla itself was cheesy and campy, but I would expect that from a Japanese lizard monster who saves the planet from giant nuclear-energy-consuming bug-like creatures –

I was entertained nonetheless and enjoyed the movie and my amazing company – because it was my kind of movie and movie-going experience…with my hand between his thighs. My hand likes to be there, just saying 😉

We talked and laughed throughout the movie- thankfully because that’s how I watch movies 🙂

Then he took me home – and I was so happy. That was THE funnest “date” that I can remember ever going on…

…and I got a rock!

If I were anybody else, I wouldn’t have even gone with him that day – because the few friends who knew the story asked me why I was going (before the phone call) –

…and they said they would have been hung up on the trip he made to zombieland, nervous or anxious about a repeated leaving.

But I don’t live my life that way. The risks are worth the rewards.

Perfect and bulletproof are seductive, but they don’t exist in the human experience.

Confession 1: At one point, I did take in a sentence – an observation of an observation – that made me fully and totally a girl – I could just die! #diedofhappiness

He told me, “When my brother sees you and me – us – he wants what we have.” 

Holy shit! I’m not sure what “we have” – since it is an undefined friendship of awesomeness with super powers and loads of fun and laughter, which I love – and holy shit, he sees it too and must enjoy it also… #getagrip

…and since I’m a girl and I cannot help myself, that little something made me do cartwheels inside myself. #insanitystrikesagain

~

Confession 2: Today I was feeling a little tired from a hard workout yesterday and strange hours of sleep – I might have just been bored too  –

…but I was also feeling a little chest pain and shortness of breath … so I was either having cardiac arrest or…

I really like him and miss him???

Oh shit – that’s such a girl-thing! #damnitalltohell

I would kick myself, but it feels so good even though it feels kind of bad – a little scary in a warped way. I just have to remember “boys are stupid,” and I’ll be ok.

So here I am, gettin’ my crazy on. #crazybitch

Well, if that’s who and where I am, I will hopefully do the Buckcherry song justice – and add that to my list of goals!

My goals may be unconventional and ludicrous, but they are still MY goals…

Hey – You’re a crazy bitch
But you fuck so good, I’m on top of it
When I dream, I’m doing you all night
Scratches all down my back to keep me right on

 

 

 

 

Quotes above are from Maya Angelou, who will be missed and whose torch I will carry to the very best of my Goddess Abilities; Brené Brown’s Daring Greatly: How the Courage to Be Vulnerable Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent, and Lead,Charlie Brown from The Great Pumpkin, and Buckcherry lyrics to “Crazy Bitch.”

Repeated Errors In Judgment

Repeated Errors In Judgment

I could be referring to my history with men – but I’m not. I have seen the pattern of repetition, and I am quite confident that I have broken the cycle of ignorance, self-loathing, and putting myself at the bottom of the barrel and am no longer selecting bottom-of-the-barrel dudes.

No, today I am sitting here wondering how I could have done this to myself – again – asking myself “Why does my skin hurt just a little bit?”

I took the kids swimming today, on the hottest day of the year thus far.

Summer wouldn’t be summer without the swimming pool, a friendly game of “Silent Marco Polo,” and a snooze by the pool – the kids were quiet. I love “Silent Marco Polo” because there’s no yelling 🙂 #sliceofheaven

And like so many summers of my childhood, I’m fried. #iamatomato

Yes, I realize that I’m the only one who gets sunburned anymore, and it’s my own damn fault – I’m a social nonconformist. #naturalvitaminD #sunworship

But in my defense, it was 10 in the morning!

We might have been out there for 2 hours…we were off-grid…Oops #whattimeisit

The kids are laughing so hard at me right now because I’m going to Captain Amazing’s tonight, where he will be laughing so hard at me too. Did I just say “hard” out loud?? #ilovethewordhard

At least I’m entertaining! #laughatmyexpense

I would welcome the sunburn if it was even – but no – I’m splotched! I look like I have a red sunburn tramp stamp. #markoflegends #target

I thought about trying to hide it with some self-tanning bronzer, but Middlest told me the stuff doesn’t dry well and then I would be streaked and splotched.

Youngest asked if I was telling everyone:

“Yes! If I make a mistake, it’s better to fess up about it and announce it with authority, so I’m blogging about my sunburn.”

Perhaps I’ll learn from this one. #ineedlotion

On that note, as I’m pacing around the apartment – I’m recognizing a nervous shortness-of-breath feeling.

No, no, no, nooooooooo!

Thank goodness Ms. Spa and I are hitting the “town” first. Pre-function beverages will calm my skin, for sure, and hopefully my nerves, and help me forget my skin…until he laughs at me.

Even though I’m completely tormented but what I have done to myself, I wouldn’t trade this adventure for anything 🙂 ❤

I like the nervousness – I like the excitement – and I like that I’ve foiled any attempts that I could possibly make at looking “perfect.”

Time to go – **breathe**

The Plight of Drama Queens

The Plight of Drama Queens: AKA Dramaqueenitis

There is a common condition that I have seen time and time again among my friends, but had not personally experienced until recently, because I tend to avoid the dust cloud of devastation that it brings and not allow certain types of people to wander freely in my world.

pigpen

I call the condition “dramaqueenitis” –

Let’s break the word down, so we have a clear definition –
drama • queen / itis:

Drama queen:

  1. A person given to often excessively emotional performances or reactions.
  2. A person (often but not limited to a woman) who acts as though things are much worse than they really are.

– itis:

Inflammation.

Dramaqueenitis

Therefore, dramaqueenitis is an inflamed event of excessive emotional reactions, where even the littlest things have horrific traumatic consequences, in the eyes of the drama queen. #ohmygodyourshoesaretouchingthecarpet #youdidn’tsayhi

Taylor Swift waved at a boy yesterday, and he didn’t wave back…

…So she will have a new album coming out tomorrow.

Furthermore, the drama queen suffers from extreme paranoia, in that every action performed by anybody surrounding the DQ is an attack against the DQ.

If a man tripped, she might say:

“That guy fell on me on purpose just to piss me off!” #puhlease

While dramaqueenitis is common, it is insidious and is a direct link to obesity, cancer, heart disease, stroke, low back pain, and erectile dysfunction. #cantgetitupanymore #nolongeraman #lifeishardsoiamnot

I used to be dumbfounded when a male friend would unload his frustration about his latest session of histrionics being perpetrated by the drama queen in his life, frequently in his living room, bedroom, front yard, driveway, and via cell phone, and most often at the same time. #shitstorm #thestruggleisreal

…and then I earned my experience…I gained wisdom, enlightenment, and deeper understanding.

Drama queens are not limited to just women. Both men and women can create such an affliction.

One of my exes was the queen of all drama queens – and male drama queens are the WORST. #iamnotalesbianquitbeingagirl

When I ended the relationshit (please refer to my zombie story for an overview of this experience), I really thought I had been quite clear that we were done, there would be no reconciliation, that we were done, that it was over, that we were done, that I had moved on, and that we were done. #wearedonehere #itisover #doyouspeakenglish

However, I was kind #mymistake – rewording sentences so that I owned the responsibility of preparing the exit strategy without blaming him. For example, I would say things like:

“I feel like crap all the time in this relationship,” rather than “You make me feel like shit all the time.”

Or…

“I want joy in my life, and there is too much stress here,” rather than “Dude, you stress me out way too much.”

My BIGGEST mistake was – I left open-endedness, avoiding the dreaded answer to the horrific question: “Can we still be friends?”

To which I developed absolute pain on my face, like someone had just punched me and I was holding back a seizure and maintaining self-induced paralysis in order to avoid screaming: “NOOOOOOOO,” because I had never said that to anybody before…

…and instead said, “…well, I usually stay friends with the exes that I like…”

I hoped very much that the caveat (that I like) would be noticed – I learned my lesson. #keepitsimplestupid #statetheobvious

Apparently my little answer aversions were seen as breadcrumbs to lead this individual back when the empty hole inside him grew to massive proportions and he needed to feed the monster within with another fight resulting in supremely negative toxic drama – like the MUTO in Godzilla, consuming negative energy like it’s candy.

He arrived at my sanctuary after a glorious month without a single fight in my world #happiest30daysofmylife –

My sanctuary is my gym – a domain to which he does not belong. I was on my treadmill running and looked down – he was standing there, looking up at me. #uhohnowwhat

“What are you doing here?” I asked, not pleasantly.

“I came to see you,” he replied.

I stopped my treadmill, extremely annoyed that my precious workout was being interrupted by what was sure to be an episode of dramaqueenitis.

“How did my crackerjack security staff let you in?” I asked, and I was serious. They card everyone at the desk – how did he get in here??

I offered to go for a walk. I know, sometimes I do really stupid things. #iamnotperfect

He began by telling me how hard the last month had been for him.

“I understand,” I said. #killwithkindness

Then it began … and he said, “When you unfriended me on Facebook, it was like you stabbed me in the heart. You devastated me. Why did you do that to me?”

#howoldareyou #crymeariver #whatthefuck

I replied, quite calmly, “You know that Facebook is not really real, right? It would be inappropriate to have you read my posts, and it would be more inappropriate to censor myself.” 

Silence – Ahhhhhhh ….. I love silence …..

Then it started again… “But you didn’t text me or call me…”

DQ’s typically start sentences with “You did this,” or “You did that,” or “You never,” or “You, you, you.” #lookinthemirrordq

It went on and on and on – I felt the zombie apocalypse closing in on me. It was like toxic green gas choking me out.

toxic green gas

…and then I finally did it – I said what I needed to say –

“No, I do not want to be friends. We are toxic to each other, and toxic people are not welcome in my life. Please do not seek me out.”

I crossed the street.

He yelled, “Can we have lunch this week?”

????????????????????????????????

#doyouspeakenglish

 

Goddess Goals

Goddess Goals: What I Intend To Accomplish In My Life On Planet Earth

I know it’s the end of May, and everybody talks about their goals around the New Year – but that’s so cliche and boring.

It’s like starting a diet on Monday – Why make Monday any worse than it has to be? Start the diet on Wednesday or something. #trysomethingnew

Earlier in my mortal life, I made a New Year’s Resolution to end all resolutions – and that was to make them practical and unique – and they must enhance my life and add joy – I do not allow self-deprecation or deprivation –

I believe that to deprive oneself of life’s pleasures is a crime.

Here are some of my own goals – My little carrots that remind me how wonderful life can be if I just keep my eye on the prize.

My unique fitness goals:

I am not interested in competing or winning in cross-fit, or entering a figure competition, or even running a marathon.

I’m competitive but I compete against my own accomplishments rather than other people. My goals are simple – and I love striving to achieve them.

1. Conquest and Dominance of Men:  It’s not really a fitness goal per se, but in order to enter the arena of fun-and-games with a man, #loveisabattlefield, I have to be in tip-top condition.

Love is an endurance sport, and if you disagree, then you’re loving the wrong people #suckstosuck #poorthing #findyourowngspot

Ten men waiting for me at the door? Send one of them home, I’m tired.

2. Walking The World With PPE: PPE = Pied Piper Effect.  A fine man walked behind me for many miles and commented on how he loved my swagger. ❤ #strutmystuff

In fact, when I walked the 60-mile 3-Day Events, I received a lot of compliments on my posture and my walk.

The thing is, I know I walk with purpose – Like I’m the bomb – Like I OWN that road. I teach my clients AND my daughters this.

The rules: Look down to NOBODY – Head up, chest up, heel-toe stride, and just strut – as if you’re a super-model on the catwalk, untouchable to mere mortals.

The hip movement is great for your body, keeps everything in working order. Plus it feels great and gets you noticed.

So having PPE means that I have a parade of men behind me, admiring my swagger, and they will follow me everywhere.

… and then I have someone in the parade behind me to text when life kicks me in the boob. #whatchadoing #myboobhurts

I like my relationships like I like my eggs. Over easy.

3. Having a butt that I like to grab and check out: Yes, I will grab my own ass, not gonna lie – so I want it to be as fine and tight as I can make it. #ihaveaniceass

4. Having the physical ability to undertake any task or any fun adventure: The word “can’t” is not in my vocabulary – and I will not wimp out of something unless it’s really too dangerous (I have kids, so it’s not time to die) or if I’ve given my best effort and it’s just not right for me. But to not be physically able to do what I want to do is not acceptable to me.

That means – I move my own furniture, carry cases of water upstairs, open my own jars, climb ropes, and do handstands – JUST BECAUSE I CAN. Yoda would be proud. #thereisnotry

5. Being Mystique for Halloween: Or actually any other random day – I don’t need to narrow myself to just Halloween.

I simply want to walk around with just blue paint being the only thing between my skin and the atmosphere. #lifeisshort #playnaked

Things to keep in mind when you formulate you’re own fitness goals:

  1. Confidence burns fat – loving yourself burns fat.
  2. Being a sad sack and stressed out adds fat – self-defeating behavior adds fat. It’s how the body protects you from making poor choices.

my unique life-enhancement goals:

1. Sex wherever and whenever I want: …and I mean “wherever” and “whenever,” literally. I’m quite pleased that Captain Amazing defeated the forces of evil came back from the Zombies – this goal is within reach.

2. Being a bad-ass chick: I want to fire a weapon and pretend to be Lara Croft or Black Widow – or both on different days. I will wear tight pants (see fitness goals above), thigh holsters and awesome cleavage.

3. Living life on my terms, financially and spiritually: I get to choose my adventure and enjoy every moment of the whole thing. Life is too short to be stuck and miserable. #nozombieapocalysetoday

Here’s the mini-cherry on top of the regular cherry on top of the sundae of awesomeness that is my life.

4. Mentoring my kids to celebrate life: All of these things above allow me to be the best person for my kids to emulate – so they believe that anybody can live life any way they choose to live it – and not be afraid to do it – that there is not just one cookie-cutter way to live – but a universe of infinite possibilities – and if one isn’t working, just change it. It’s not that complicated.

 

 

Quotes above are by mae west – idol of women; jarod kintz; and barney stinson.