Dream Managing Part 1

Genie's_Lamp

I’m sitting on the edge of a deeply skewed reality (delusion technically) while facing an illusion, a dream…A list of them really.

 

I’ve known for the last year that THIS LAST YEAR was pivotal in making me whole. I’ve known for the last many years, really since the night I “died” in October 2007 that I’ve been broken.

 

Not just broken in half, like I originally thought. I’ve been shattered into a thousand pieces.

 

I created the delusion of happiness for my survival so that I could put myself back together. But it’s like putting together a hollow chocolate bunny.

 

It’s that I don’t have substance or depth – I just haven’t been COMPLETE or whole. And I’ve lived in that skewed reality for soooooo long that I don’t remember anymore what it’s like to be a whole person – and that scares me.

 

Two weeks ago, we sat in the Dream Room at my awesome work place. To call it “work” doesn’t really capture what this place is and what we do. It’s like Disneyland for business – and nerds 🙂 We have a Dream Room – nuff said.

 

My team had a dream session with our dream manager: Goal – to dream…and to dream BIG…get outside our comfort zones…then reconvene 2 weeks later with a list of dreams so we can take the next steps to making them come true. #WishUponAStar

 

I started making my list, and anytime a certain dream made me uncomfortable (i.e. “that’ll never happen”) I wrote it down. Prior to last Friday, October 29, my list looked like this:

  • Youngest, Middlest, and Oldest to be able to travel with me and to be able to come to Rocky Point with Captain Amazing and me.
  • Make $100,000 annually and keep growing that until (see the third item).
  • Fix my shoulder.
  • Create the business that Captain Amazing and I always talk about – and that business earns over $13,000,000 in revenue annually and ultimately monthly.
  • Captain Amazing manages my wealth, and it earns enough money from his mad skills that I don’t have to work anymore, but I still want to because I love what I do.
  • Walk The Camino – Round Trip
  • Plan, attend, lead other retreats worldwide.
  • New Car that I OWN – and 1 for Middlest and 1 for Youngest …Plus a fun car that I own…no payments…and someone I can rely upon to handle all of the maintenance on it so that I don’t have to worry about that stuff.
  • Play tennis again consistently.
  • Employee of the month.
  • A new position at work created for me 🙂
  • Write, publish, and sell my books –
  • A “Personal Team” – in which it’s a family but without the traditional headaches of a family – Completely new invention of what a “family” is and what a “couple” is:  with a new house with a “man cave” and “woman cave” for private time for the adults…further defined as the blog has been laid out (See My Radical Views of Relationships, Voices And Other Things In My Mouth)
    • House on a beach (beaches)
    • House on a lake North to escape the summer heat.
  • Bodyfat percent of 18% because I lift weights appropriately, do an appropriate amount of cardio, have a personal trainer that I see every day, and a personal chef who plans out my food so I don’t have to do it.
    • True Confession: Pose in Playboy when I turn 50 (I wrote that gem down when I was 18) – Although I’d like to do that the first time at age 47 and then be a recurring guest.
  • Spend more social time with people that I like on a consistent basis.
  • Restore my neural pathways to undo traumatic damage.
  • Equine therapy (although I think I’d be really outstanding at this)
  • Skydiving
  • Travel the world – seeking adventure, but also writing about it, podcasting about it. Maybe for a whole year (depends on the formation of the PERSONAL TEAM and how the Monthly Revenue shakes out – because I want them on these journeys)…
  • Retreats – this has been a recurrent dream that is currently in negotiation with one of my clients. I tried to get that off the ground as a business, but I was in “desperation” mode, and dreams don’t come true in “desperation” mode.
  • Plan more vacation and more time off so that I can have more of a life.
  • Continue to add to this list
  • Be a public speaker – Ted Talk and Wisdom 2.0 – More importantly, The Moth.
  • Go to Turkey for Maya’s detox program – Attend her certification in Kundalini Yoga.
  • Go to a 4-week intensive fitness, yoga, mega healthy retreat.
  • Go to Bali and write with Mastin Kipp
  • The winning lottery ticket for the carpool duo.

I put some of the things in motion as I was writing them down. Ironically last Friday, my car broke, to the point that it may be totaled. I think the trauma was internalized.

Captain Amazing rescued me – so good!

I’m now carpooling to work, spending quality time with someone I like very much, and with whom I can have elevated discussion.

I am close to picking up enough clients to satisfy the extra $50,000 I need to hit the $100,000 annual, so now I’m growing that.

I did reach out to my tennis coach, but I had to cancel that lesson. Regrouping on that one.

And then…I found out that I’d been nominated for employee of the month – While I didn’t win ultimately, the magical list is doing it’s thing.

…to be continued…

 

Best Anti-VD “Love Yourself” Day AND The Week Of Disease

It’s like two oxymorons rolled into one –

First – I miss my blog sooooo much! I’ve been so busy making a living that journaling my life has been riding in the back seat rather than shotgun.

I am going to work backwards today, which is not too unusual. I do a lot of things backwards.

The Week Of Disease

Today is my final sick day – My final day of being home-bound with what may be the flu, if I can just self-diagnose. The dizziness remains, which I would be more concerned about except Middlest has the disease too and she is also dizzy.

In my week of sickness, Captain Amazing did play Trivia Crack with me – He has yet to beat me 🙂 It has been a battle of wits, and he has come unarmed. Ha ha ha!!

I believe my kids have accepted his role in my life, even though he and I haven’t yet defined terms as other than just “something awesome that we don’t see ending, yet we are not tied down or labeled but reserve the right to tie each other up.”

It’s a long title but we have a lot of ground to cover.

Anyway, I told Youngest this morning that I was enjoying my sick day with her company today, although I was really grateful that I spent the other days alone. I said to her, “I am actually glad I’m single because I didn’t have to take care of anybody else but myself.”

“So you consider yourself single?” she asked.

I said, “Yeah. I am not married, and I live alone except when you’re with me.”

She said, “Yes, but there’s this other little annoying bug called [Captain Amazing] – Explain that.”

I paused and wondered why am I still receiving snarky relationship advice from my youngest daughter.

“Can I blog what you said?” I asked her.

She said, “Of course. I’ll text him for you too.”

**Sigh** Smarty-pants teens.

She really likes him, which warms my heart, and further, she respects him, just as I do. She told me yesterday that she has to do some readathon event at school and that she wanted to ask him what book she should read.

“Is that ok?” she asked me.

“Of course. You can text him and ask him,” I said.

She did…and then she said to me, “Mom, your boyfriend is being a tool.”

“He’s not my boyfriend – Stop calling him that!!” I said (please note that I was offended by the use of “boyfriend” and not by the use of “tool.” – She knows this; therefore, she continues to call him “boyfriend” just to see how I cringe at that word.) “Why? What did he say?”

She said, “Well, I asked him what books I should read, and he said, ‘Dr. Seuss.'”

She and I cracked up!!

Going back a couple of days then, I started not feeling well a week ago, dizziness and just weirdness, which I understand may not be new symptoms for me. However, Captain Amazing looked at me across the table at dinner and asked, “Are you feeling ok? You don’t look well.” 

I said, “I think I’m just hungry.” Famous last words …

The next day, Sunday, my head started feeling dizzier and weirder. Youngest and I had gone over to his house to hang out, help with some chores (avoiding our own, of course), but every time I bent over to pull a weed, I felt like I was going to fall.

He had gone to run an errand, so I mainly just wanted him to drive up while I was bent over pulling weeds. Perhaps the view would hit him where it counts, you know? I like it when he squirms in his jeans and we have covert conversations in mixed company. 

I just like to create an enjoyable environment – keeping it real.  The next day was to be our “date night” and I always make sure, within my area of control, that “date night” exceeds expectations 😉

However, after lunch, which I did not partake in because I was not hungry, Youngest and I decided we need to go. I felt like I needed to lie down, and she had homework.

After a short nap, it was evident by the gushing nose, extreme dizziness, and body aches that I was not “hungry” or “tired,” – I had caught some kind of germ bug. I immediately texted the next day’s clients to inform them, and they all canceled.

During my bed rest the next day, Monday, I knew I wasn’t going to make it anywhere, so I asked him to call me. We talked and I explained the situation, stating of course, that he could bend me over so as not to be exposed to my germs. In the end, we decided I should stay home…where I have remained for 6 days.

BEST Anti-VD “Love Yourself” Day

I have a new doctor friend checking on me – ordering me around – Dr. Z. He’s excited to be a character in the blog…Let’s all give him a warm welcome – Hi Dr. Z!!!

He and I met in the fall or last summer, can’t remember, but I’m sure I blogged about a shooting date. Anyway, it wasn’t until Anti-VD Day that we actually had quality conversation.

The story of this little adventure began the Tuesday prior to February 14th, when Captain Amazing and I were quickly finishing coffee and gather up our work things so we could depart in a timely manner.

I asked him, “So what do you have planned this weekend?”

He said, “Hmm, I think I have a dinner Friday night, maybe something Sunday night, which is not set in stone. I don’t have kids. Why?”

I said, “I don’t have kids either, and I don’t have in-person clients. I just have a few writing deadlines, and I would like to do something.”

He pulled out his handy-dandy cell phone with calendar and looked up his weekend agenda…he scrolled and found Friday…then he saw it…

“Oh!” he said with disgust. “Saturday is Valentine’s Day.”

“Yeah,” I said, equally morosely, “but that’s purely coincidence. I don’t celebrate that holiday.”

He said, “Neither do I. You do realize that we have to break up on Friday, right?”

I cracked up! “Well we could just get the toys out and take care of ourselves next to each other and dirty text from opposite sides of the room!”

He burst out laughing and high-fived me; he said he was going to share that with the guys at work.

I wish you could hear his laugh because it’s awesome!

I said, “Well, see what you can come up with and we’ll chat later.” …and then our usual “have a great day” stuff…

…Friday the 13th came around and I received a grand text: “You up for shooting Saturday at 3 with Dr. Z and me?”

My reply: YES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

His reply: Cool.

I was told to bring my happy self 🙂

My Friday the 13th was quite adventurous and long – and by the time I got home around 5:30ish, I ate, put The LEGO Movie on, and fell asleep.

Saturday the 14th, I woke up around 3:30 am to begin the monster writing project that I needed to complete. It was a lot of tedious copying and pasting links for marketing emails, so I decided to have movies on –

I positioned my Ipad next to me, fired up Netflix, and settled in on Notting Hill to launch my Anti-VD Love Myself Day marathon – Just so I have something chickish to say that I watched because I know the girls out there just think I’m too weird. Spike is my favorite character, hands down. Classic.

I followed that selection up with Terminator 2, the movie that inspired me to have great arms. Linda Hamilton demonstrated that a woman could be a badass, kick ass, and not look like a bodybuilder.

Linda-Hamilton-workout-T2

…and then I started Mission Impossible 2 – Just because…

I finished my project by 2pm, showered, selected a pink tank top and my jeans, and went to meet the guys.

When I arrived at the shooting range, I was not greeted by just 2 men – but 3!!!!

Ahhh, what other woman can boast such an encounter on Valentine’s Day???

My shooting was looking sharp, especially toward the end the session, when Captain Amazing instructed me to fire the 3 remaining clips, while he walked his brother out, and if he was not back, Dr. Z would walk me out.

I unleashed my determination and bullets all in the center of that target. I was so happy and proud, and I had to show him my target. I even received a compliment in the lobby! “Nice shooting!” said the super hot stranger.

“Thank you! – I know, right?” I replied.

We walked out to the cars, where Dr. Z said, “She can come.” 

Captain Amazing looked at me – probably with a bit of debate in his head – and he said, “I’m going to Dr. Z’s to watch the UFC fight. Want to come?” 

“YES!!!!!!!!” I said.

They both looked at me kind of funny. I’m too old to even care if I’m inviting myself along to something I want to go to, even if it is a guys’ night out.

“You like that?” they both asked.

“Yes, surprising right?” I said. “I was surprised too, but yes I do, and I know Ben Henderson.” 

So the stage was set for the ultimate “guys-night-out plus me.” My life rocks!!

We had to make one stop before we hit Dr. Z’s house –

I met Captain Amazing at his house so we could drive to Dr. Z’s together. He grabbed his things to put them away and as we were walking in the house, he handed me an envelope….with my name on it….

???????????????

“Is this from you?” I asked him in disbelief.

“Yeah,” he replied.

“Holy shit!!!!”  I exclaimed.

The gesture was so unexpected that I was utterly unprepared. I didn’t know quite what to do. I put the envelope, which clearly contained a card, into my purse. I decided to let it sit. Since I wasn’t expecting it, I wanted to have a little anticipation…a little buildup for the big moment when I would open the envelope’s contents and see what he had been thinking about …Intrigue….

The thing is – I was happy with just the envelope 🙂 – Don’t tell him I said that!

In the car, driving to our first stop, he asked me a quasi-serious question – “What are your relationship goals?”

WTF?????!!!!!! Really? A card on Valentine’s Day and now this??? Shitty shit.

“Um, let me think…This is it,” I said. “I really don’t have any. I know that sounds kind of under-achieving but I don’t believe in goals when it comes to this stuff. I want to ride things out and see where they go.”

“Yeah, I know,” he said, “and I’m not asking for me.”

????????

“My position has not changed,” he said.

“I know,” I said. “I’m just really happy that it’s lasted more than a year and I’m happy that I’m happy…and I really like you.”

“Me too,” he said. “I really like you too. I’m just not ready to be tied down.”

“I know,” I said.

…and then we arrived at our first stop…did our quick errand…and then off to Dr. Z’s house.

We arrived at his beautiful house, accompanied by Jack Daniel’s, and the three of us immediately began a great evening of dining and conversation. I was nonstop chatter –

…and inside my head, I noted that I was spending my Valentine’s Day with two handsome and successful men. My life rocks!!

The food was great! The fights were great! It was such a great time. I did let my lack of filters go crazy – Dr. Z noted how overpaid the ring girls are.

“I don’t know,” I said. “Think about how hard she had to work…”

He said, “Ok??”

I said, “She had to give a lot of blow jobs to get that position!”

The guys howled with laughter – Apparently that was quite unexpected. Dr. Z said he was expecting something really profound. 🙂  Could have been, depending on how you look at it.

The fights were finished (Ben won!!), and it was time to go home. I had been awake for 20 hours (high-five me!), so I was a little dozy.

…and fell asleep before my head hit the pillow…and I slept in!!! …. until 8:45!!!! That’s unheard of! I was so proud of myself!

“Do you want coffee?” I asked Captain Amazing, as I said good morning.

He said, “How about 20 more minutes in bed, and I’ll take you out for breakfast.”

DEAL!

And then I remembered – THE CARD.

I waited for about 15 minutes, and then I got up and went to my purse. I carefully opened the envelope.

vdcard

I pulled out the card and looked at the front, and I started laughing so hard!

vdcard2

And the inside read:  “Thinking of you at this sad time and wishing you comfort.” …”Happy Valentine’s Day”

I was dying! THE BEST CARD EVER!!!

I went back to the bed and thanked him for the card. He died laughing too. “I totally forgot! I have to tell you the story of when I bought it.”

“Ok,” I said, and settled in for the story.

“I was at the store and finally decided on this one, and when I was checking out, the cashier said, ‘I’m sorry,’ and I said, ‘Oh, it’s a Valentine for a girl I’m seeing.’ She said, ‘Oh, I see’ and gave me a funny look, and then I said, ‘I had to break up with 3 other girls so I only had to buy 1 card.'”

We both howled!!!! I was laughing so hard!!!! THE BEST! I’ve told that story at least 20 times, and it never gets old, although I’m not sure everyone appreciates it just as much as I do.

We settled from the fit from laughter – and then played hard – and settled in from that too 🙂

I said, “I won’t tie you down.”

He looked at me.

“But I might want to tie you up occasionally,” I added.

“DEAL!!” he said.

Since it’s the last day of the month and a Saturday – More fitting words were never spoken than whisky distiller Jack Daniel’s last words, which were “One last drink, please.”

So here’s to new friendships (Dr. Z – Welcome to the Blog), outstanding lifetime ones (whatever we choose to call it), Tools and Quick-Hardening Caulk, and a toast to all my guy friends for making February the best month of the year.

 

And a huge hug and thanks to my beloved clients and well-wishers!! I was single and alone during my sickness but not lonely. I feel so incredibly blessed! xoxo

What’s In A Name

Last night, Captain Amazing and I went out for drinks. #whiskeyadventure

We had the best conversation that lasted until today.

When I write something that may hit a nerve with someone I care about, I do discuss it with him/her before it is read – and we talked about The Soapbox, and how I kind of threw him under the bus.

I also gave a few examples about how I think outside the box. I just think there is always more than one right way to do something, and I look for the best way for the people involved, rather than what would be considered “normal” or “status quo.”

Normal is just a setting on the dryer.

I’m working on a rather large project that he, my collaborator, and I are super excited about. I found this piece I wrote which really exemplifies my position on how I parent and how I move through life and the relationships/friendships/datingships (we need a new word!!) I’m in.

This story took place in July 2008. The marriage I was in ended in October 2007… divorce final in March/April 2008 … #math

…my kids were adjusting to the back-and-forth routine of divorce and living in two homes with two families. They were pretty young at the time: 7, 11, and 13.

When they would return to my house, they were so excited, running around like crazies, all three talking at the same time to catch me up on life.

Out of the habit created in the week before, one would go into the kitchen and then yell back at me, “Dad, can I have an apple? I mean ‘Mom.’”

This happened a lot, and I totally understood.

I would get their names mixed up all the time also – and end up naming the child I needed to talk to “whoever you are.”

One day in July 2008, they came home and told me that their dad was going to get married.

Oh joy.

When I asked them how they felt about it, they said they were excited, that they liked her. Then we would talk about them, change the subject to something more palatable for me.

The conversation would eventually return to their other home because they would remember something else that had happened.

These stories and talks were so painful for me at the time…

…so incredibly challenging to listen to because I still had fresh wounds from chewing my leg off. #escapefrommarriage

Occasionally, I would ask if we could talk about something else. I had to master this tactful but necessary question so that I could cope, just a bit, and so they wouldn’t feel like they had done something wrong.

As often as possible, and it’s easier now that they are older, I spend time one-on-one with each kid, especially if we are going to talk about something personal. It’s not Middlest’s business what Youngest has to say.

I consider feelings to be sacred and deeply personal, not something to be tattled to someone else somewhere else, like to dad at his house – like “Do you know that Youngest doesn’t like you?”

Anyway, after receiving the “blessed” news of a new family member, Youngest and I went to run errands (drive errands), which gave me a chance to talk to her one on one.

I drove the Suburban to the gas station, and as I approached the pump, I asked Youngest if she understood what this new marriage meant.

She said, “Oh yes, Mama. She’s really nice.”

I said, “Oh good. And can you talk to her?”

“Yes, we talk a lot,” she replied.

I arrived at the pump, turned the car off, and opened the car door. I turned toward my purse on the passenger’s seat to fetch my debit card, and I looked back at my sweet pumpkin, smiling at me. I smiled at her.

I asked, “Do you know that she’ll be your step-mom?”

I tried not to gag on the words.

She said, “Oh yes, Mama. Sometimes I call her ‘Mom’.”

Well, that did it, instantly. The tears ran down my face. I was sobbing uncontrollably. I didn’t expect her answer or my reaction. I felt so crushed. #thestruggleisreal

For a mom, being “replaced” is incredibly devastating.

I hurried to the pump and started the process. I didn’t want her to see me cry. But it was too late.

Then Youngest started crying because I was crying. I opened her door to hug her.

“Oh Mama, what’s wrong? Are you mad at me?” she sobbed. She looked terrified, as if she had stabbed me.

Unfortunately, that’s how I felt.

I tried so hard to swallow it, but I just couldn’t. One of my worst fears was teetering on the edge of reality.

I hugged her so tight, and we cried together.

I said, “I’m so sorry, honey. No, I’m not mad at you. But I am your Mom.”

We were both shaking from the sobs, and she said, “I know Mama. You’ll always be my Mom.”

I heard the “click” of the gas pump when it stopped pumping. I let go of her and said, “We’ll talk about this later. I’m sorry I got upset. I love you.”

I went to the handle at the tank and set it back on the pump. As I was screwing the cap back on the tank, I felt “screwed.”

And then I noticed how angry I was becoming because I had the following scene playing out in my head:

Mr. Ex, The New Woman, my three kids sitting around a table laughing, like they’re one big happy family…and then Youngest going to the refrigerator and calling back to them to ask “Mom can I have an apple?”…and then The New Woman being so flattered and feeling utterly wonderful that this child called her “Mom” that she didn’t correct her.

I thought that was a rather insidious con job to do a child – to just let her accidently call The New Woman “Mom” until it stuck.

That was my thought process anyway. #getagrip #momentsofnarcissism

We drove home, tears drying up. My emotions were a mixed bag of everything –

It’s absolutely exhausting feeling that way.

But when we returned home, I did go for a walk to clear my head.

While I was walking, I thought about our Wii. We had a lot of fun with that game. Sometimes, the most fun was creating the Mii characters – designing them and then naming them based on what they looked like.

We each had our own representation too and our own nicknames. Mine was “Red Hot Mama,” which the kids named me.

And then I remembered when Oldest was born and how his grandmother (Mr. Ex’s mom) declared what this child would call her – Nana – because she felt she was too young to be called “grandma.”

At that time, I thought that it should be the kid who gives the pet nickname to the relative – because they have a hard time pronouncing words – and then we can get a really cute name plus a great story about how “Aunt Christine” became “Beanie.”

As I reflected on those things, I had one of my genius ideas. #lightbulb

I hurried home and sat at the table with all three kids. We talked about what had happened at the gas station. I apologized for becoming upset.

Youngest said, “It’s ok, Mama.”

I said, “Well thank you. But let’s see if we can resolve this issue. I understand that going back and forth is hard and that sometimes you accidentally call me “Dad” just because you’ve been used to that for a week.”

Middlest said, “Yeah, and when we go over there, we call him ‘Mom’ by mistake.”

…hmmm just as I suspected…

I said, “Ok – yes, that’s hard. What is hard for me is that I’m your Mom. But I understand what is happening here.”

Then, I actually quoted Shakespeare:

What’s in a name? That which we call a rose by any other name would smell as sweet.

I followed up by asking them, “So if I have a rose and I call it a dog, is it still a rose?”

They laughed and Middlest said, “Duh!”

Philosophy rules!

I said, “So I propose that we make a list of names to call me when you are here – anything. You name me. We’ll go over the lists and vote on what the best name for me is, and that’s what you’ll call me. Then, if you mistakenly call someone else my pet name, I will have every right to be upset.”

They loved my idea. I gave them pencils and paper, and they made their lists.

They chose “Mamacita.”

That little exercise did a few things:
1. We bonded over a rather challenging moment.
2. We got creative.
3. The new name gave them awareness in their speaking and environment, just a little bit.

Ultimately, they mastered the art of transition, and the name “Mamacita” dropped off, although it comes up from time to time.

I’m still “Red Hot Mama” when we play games, because I am still a Red Hot Mama.

The Soapbox

The Soapbox

I have to lay out the back story before I climb up on my soapbox…This is a story about adventure, relationships, and broken hearts.

I hope you like rants – cuz that’s kinda my thing.

soapbox

Part 1: Spunk & Sunshine

Youngest and I graced Captain Amazing with our presence a few nights ago so that I could begin my “Mission Organization” upon his home office and perform my nerd magic on a new computer that he bought many moons ago and hadn’t had time to set up yet.

I am a woman; therefore, I have the genetic capability of multitasking without the damaging side effects of ADD.

Youngest brought her chemistry homework, and Captain Amazing’s full engineering nerd came out – Clearly that’s his passion – To create and build things and be all “sciency.” #nerdgasm #macgyverlives

I don’t remember how the conversation shifted from the periodic table of elements and the formula for density to me and my personality, but the important part is this:

At one point, he asked Youngest if I’m always like this – Upbeat and positive, and “there’s a ray of sunshine – let’s go capture it” – something to that effect – in a light teasing tone.

I could pretend to be more like you and live on a sparkly rainbow and drive a unicorn around and just sing all the time.

To which Youngest did reply: “Yes, she’s always like that.”

I’m not gonna lie – I LOVED THAT!! I don’t care that they were kind of making fun of me – It was just so awesome to know that my kid recognizes and corroborates that I’m genuinely ME – all spunk and sunshine – even in the darkest of times…

…and even though I’m probably the most embarrassing person on the planet.

Part 2: The Playground Adventure

So yesterday morning was so crazy fun! I played so hard AGAIN with the Happiest Little Boy!!

First, he loves to look at my Ipad and see all of my pictures. I taught him how to use the camera, and he took a couple of selfies. These pictures – OMG – SO ADORABLE!! I could just eat him up!!

Note about pictures: I never did “family portraits” because there’s no personality in them. That’s not who people really are. I like to capture people in their genuine moments.

I’m not quite as skilled as my daughters – They snapchat constantly with amazing self-expression, but I’m learning to be fully present and kid-like without feeling self-conscious about what I look like when I’m being a goofball.

Anyway, I was itching to go do a few flips in the backyard, so I asked Captain Amazing if I could take HLB (Happiest Little Boy) outside and play.

It was a school and work day, and I don’t know all the rules of the morning routine. He said, “Yes.”

YASSSSS!!!!! #rocktheslide #monkeybarsforever

playground

So HLB and I went outside to play. WE HAD SO MUCH FUN!!! We slid down the slide, climbed up the slide, hung from the monkeybars, did somersaults, climbed the ladders …

I did a few flips on the “flip upside down bar” because that’s my thing.

Captain Amazing came out to check on us and said, “You’re fricking hilarious.”

I said, “What?? I’m just playing.”

…and then we heard the garbage truck, and HLB wanted to see it.

So I picked him up and he saw it – Ooooo it was so great!! …and we ran around and tried to chase it!

Who needs a gym when you have a toddler to play with??? Just saying!

Captain Amazing came out again, this time dressed and ready for work. He said it was time to come in and eat breakfast.

Awwww Rats!!

 

Part 3: The Food Fight – Standing On My Soapbox

The night previous, we had been rudely interrupted by an irrationally angry phone call about a guest list and a Halloween party.

The phone call was absolutely, without doubt, none of my f*ing business. And it still isn’t.

The details are not important but what is – BOUNDARIES!

Captain Amazing and I have a great analogy about boundaries – one that he taught me- Waffles and Spaghetti.

Men tend to think and behave more like waffles – with little boxes of boundaries within a boundary. Women tend to think and behave with emotional entanglements, the way spaghetti behaves.

The phone call was basically a truckload of spaghetti hurled at him with enormous velocity, such that I could hear the splat of marinara hit him in the face from the other room; the pasty stick of the pasta as it landed all over him, the walls, and the ceiling; and when he returned from the kitchen, he was covered head to toe in spaghetti.

food-fight-online-slot

Well I guess I can’t hide my crazy – Said the chick on the phone.

I felt so bad, and at the same time, I wondered where his boundaries went. I decided that what he really needed to do in that moment was:

1. Not accept the phone call because it wasn’t about his son.

OR

2. Take the phone call but arm himself with a giant waffle shield to deflect all of the spaghetti.

Capt-America waffle

The sad reality of a breakup when you have children is that you are tethered to that other adult forever in some capacity.

BUT, where do you establish boundaries around the relationship between the so-called adults?

When is the life of the ex none of your fucking business anymore because it doesn’t directly involve the kids?

That’s when it becomes tricky – and ultimately horribly sad –

It’s fascinating that I have such strong boundaries when I’m such a warm and loving and joyous person.

I’ve recently learned why – There’s a wall – and I’m taking it down, but I don’t want to end up being spaghetti….so I’m a little scared.

I don’t want to screw up what I have with you. You’re too important to me.

My opinion: When someone awesome enters my kids’ lives, I welcome it. If I have emotional baggage with regard to that – it’s my baggage, not my kids’ and not that awesome person’s.

…and narcissistic fucktardery is not welcome in my life.

I don’t understand why that’s not a universal concept.

Part 4: The Wall That Narcissistic Fucktards Built

That wall has been measured to be 91 miles thick – and it’s around my heart.

I have learned how to own certain emotional discomforts and be more than ok with them – EMBRACE them – so my kids can share their lives with me in passionate detail

– especially that portion of their lives that I’m not a part of –

Passionate detail is the language we speak.

They have a step-mom and they have half-sister. They love their half sister so much …

They share her pictures and what they’ve done with her – She is absolutely adorable. And the kids would love the two of us to meet someday. I would love that too.

That will never happen though –

My funness and free-spiritedness are threats to the unenlightened and to the narcissistic fucktards who think my behavior and my choice in friends is a direct threat to them, and that I choose my friends and my personality to irritate them.

That’s what a narcissistic fucktard does – they all do –

I have finally accepted that I can’t fix stupid.

Nevertheless, it’s kind of a lonely place to be…sitting here with a wall 91 miles thick around my heart.

I was looking at the calendar yesterday to schedule a launch party for something I’m involved in – There was Youngest’s birthday and my birthday, and I saw HLB’s birthday.

I thought to myself, “Oh I should keep that day open, so we can have a birthday party.”

…and then a few minutes later, I remembered the narcisstic fucktarderific spaghetti-laden phone call about a Halloween gathering and who was attending it –

I will not be invited or welcomed.

Puppy…In…A…Cup

…and that made me cry.

FUUUUUCCCCKKKKK 😦

I hate doors!

I’m always the one who loves more – even with boundaries – that’s my thing.

Basically I have two choices:

1. Choose to end up alone – be a single old lady flashing people on the street.

OR

2. Be creative – Throw a party for all of us on a different day, move through my discomfort, and change the world.

I’m picking option #2.

 

Quotes above are from New Girl.

An Old Fashioned

An Old Fashioned “Good” Relationship Relationshit

My friend, The Professor, posted this article from Housekeeping Monthly published May 13, 1955 – It’s a guide for wives on how to be “good” for their husbands.

First, let’s reflect on my friend, The ProfessorMmmmmm…. He’s nice! #hottie

hottie professor

Second, his post was in response to the many women out there looking for an old fashioned man.

And he was right to do this because these women do not know what they are talking about.

the good wife

 “The good wife’s guide” – The highlights

1. “Have dinner ready. Plan ahead, even the night before, to have a delicious meal ready…This is a way of letting him know that you have been thinking about him…”

My response: My wet panties are THE BEST way of letting him know that I have been thinking about him…and that AA batteries are on the top of the shopping list.

2. “Prepare yourself. Take 15 minutes to rest so you’ll be refreshed…” 

My response: Yep – Every time. I groom, make sure every inch of my skin has lotion and smells good – is smooth. I appreciate the effort and it makes me feel good and confident about myself. It’s not just for him.

…skip ahead to the underlined parts… #wtf

“…catering for his comfort will provide you with immense personal satisfaction…”

“…remember his topics of conversation are more important than yours…”

Ok – I can’t read any more of this – It makes me want to punch something!!

I agree with a few things Professor:

I definitely groom;

I will wear an appropriate outfit or costume;

I’ll prepare drinks for both of us – naked;

I’ll help get the toys ready and make sure the ropes aren’t tangled;

…but I don’t clean the house unless I’m getting something for it –

…and I know my place – it’s called “my place” – and if I’m not having fun, that’s where I’ll be 🙂

…with a real Old Fashioned…

81-old-fashioned1

 

old fashioned

Kiss Me Til I’m Drunk

Kiss Me Til I’m Drunk – And Then Strap On … The Toolbelt

I have been so “drunk” from sex in the last few weeks – It’s beyond what I’ve experienced in my lifetime.

I have had the worst BEST sex hangovers.

The sex is so f*ing amazing right now – If I think about it, my knees buckle and I sweat.

Really, I would call the intoxication “passion buzz” – I would say it is like “like” on crack cocaine but I’ve never had cocaine – so we will say it is “like” on Jell-O Shots.

Even still, when I am sporting that amazing buzz, I don’t want it to end, but I also don’t want too much – I don’t want to get sloppy drunk or blackout.

This situation is so BAD AWESOME right now that I’m instantly intoxicated by the mere memory of our last few sessions and then instantly hungover – and I feel like I’ve been punched in the uterus!

The best drinking hangover remedy is a Bloody Mary plus lots of water and Advil, so I think the best sex hangover remedy is more sex plus lots of water, bourbon, and more sex. 😉

OMG!

This makes me hallucinate and see phallic symbols and innuendo in everything.

I was shopping at Home Depot for a light bulb to replace the expired one in my massage room. I was told I needed to fix the Feng Shui, which I have to agree with because there has been a string of unfortunate events recently – another story entirely.

I probably shouldn’t have been shopping in the hardware store while I’m feeling like an oversexed/undersexed slutty ho vixen. #nympho

Anyway, as I came around the corner to the carpentry aisle, there was a lot of wood… in a variety of lengths and thicknesses …

…and near the box with the long thick wooden rods, there was a man with a tool belt rhythmically pounding his wood.

He stopped nailing it and wiped sweat from his forehead with his free hand.

tool belt

“Can I help you find something?” he asked.

I wiped the drool from my mouth and thought “Wet naps” but replied with, “I’m looking for recessed light bulbs that will dim.”

“Come with me,” he said.

Gladly – a few times!

We came around another corner and passed chains and ropes.

There was a long-shafted drive drill….and then the lubricant aisle where I saw the lube for that drill shaft…

Thank goodness wetness is not an issue for me! #tmi #justsaying #waterrules

There was another man laying pipe over by the taps and faucets …

Oh then I saw it  –

Quick hardening caulk…

He said, “You don’t have to wait for this caulk to harden.”

I laughed!

…and we finished in the light bulb aisle… I thanked him for his time and attention and sent back to complete his wood pounding.

tool belt 2

I really should recommend to the single gals I know that Home Depot is probably the best place to meet a guy. #1 – He’s going to be handy to have around. #2 Men who fix things are just damn sexy.

She could just walk up to the cutest guy in the store and say:

“Do you know where I get nailed? I mean nails… My bad, I’ve been drinking all afternoon.”

And that way he would know
1 – She’s easy.
2- She likes to drink.

Oh wait – That’s me, not my friends 🙂

I’m not gonna lie…sometimes I just watch Captain Amazing fixing things. It’s such a turn on.

He’s a man being a MAN!!

He also plots and performs his engineering prowess wearing shorts or just underwear, sometimes nothing, depending on what he’s fixing. #clothesoptional

This is great for me because I can be creative with my outfits, which have gone from super cute little numbers to just a tank top and Victoria’s Secret polka dot panties.

I rock a lot of polka dots!

I made him bacon bourbon for tonight – seems like a manly drink – and perhaps that and more sex, lots of water, and more sex will cure this sex hangover.

…and then he’ll kiss me til I’m drunk…

…and strap on the tool belt…

How To Get Your Freak On

How To Get Your Freak On ~
Without Freaking Your Partner

I was given the opportunity to offer my “expert” advice in a column on askmen.com in the area of “kinking” up the sex life – trying bondage, sex in public, getting a little rough, without freaking out your partner.

It’s important to note that I am NOT a sex therapist.

I am a REAL woman who has a healthy and super fun sex life. I can and do talk about it. I listen to stories about how couples meet, about their sex lives, their orgasms, lack of orgasms, lack of sex, and their longing for it.

I have learned quite a bit about men and women –

Aha moment #1 (HUGE, and I’m not talking about size here) –

The men who aren’t getting quality sex in their marriages actually complain most about a lack of connection or passion, not necessarily lack of frequency, although there is quite a bit of that too.

Ladies – Did you read that correctly? The guys don’t want obligatory masturbatory type sex just as much as we don’t want to repaint the ceiling.

My playmate, Captain Amazing, seems to enjoy himself with me, so I am confident that my healthy, albeit slightly twisted and definitely kinky sex life is not just me flying solo.

Therefore, my “wisdom” could and should be quite helpful to someone – again noting this is coming from a real person who is an expert via experience.

Everything I discuss below is with the caveat that the partnership is safe, monogamous or within the boundaries of what they consider a healthy commitment, and contains mutual respect for one another – both are consenting responsible adults, gay or straight.

There is no diagnosis contained herein, nor am I advising anybody on medical or legal matters. If there is a true medical or therapeutic need, the appropriate professional should be contacted.

The other important relevant note: I’ve been one of the women who didn’t have the opportunity to kink things up to get the kinks out during marriage, so I’ve been on a quest to up the ante in a healthy “sophisticated” way for the past 7 years post marriage and release my repressed slutty ho.

I think I finally figured it out! I also know that the slutty ho inside of me is awesome, and flirting is probably one of my favorite hobbies. Yes, it is a skill and a talent.

It is possible to change the course of your orgasmic destiny.

Fundamentally, there has to be an emphasis on open communication. Talk about what you want emotionally and sexually. It is freeing to have such conversation. If that conversation cannot happen, then nothing will improve.

If you both want sexual freedom and exploration – there can be no boring obligatory sex – and if you want to give each other fantasies, you must create a safe environment to do that.

  1. Safe – meaning we can say anything, without getting slapped or yelled at.
  2. No judgment
  3. Exit clause/strategy.

Some of the men who discuss their issues with me express that they can’t even have the conversation to improve things in the bedroom – That is so sad. Their women simply shut down.

Ladies – Please listen to your man with an open mind, an open heart, and with open legs. He’s not going to put you in harm’s way. Sex is supposed to be fun. It’s adult playtime!

Here is an excellent book that may shed some light on a man’s real perspective, not the media-generated one: Dear Lover by David Deida.

Even if it seems awkward – everything will feel so much better once you start the conversation. I hope you’re ok with the basics – “penis” and “vagina” – and if not, practice saying them.

If you are, then you might have to just start with being comfortable saying words like pussy, cock, fuck, cum – They are just words, but they are also empowering.

the pussy knows

Since Captain Amazing is fielding questions that I send to him, I shared this article opportunity with him. His response:

‘Don’t ask…just do it or tell her what to do.  If she says no, find another woman.’

 

That might seem a little harsh, but I have to agree. I will not be with a man who is not willing to have these conversations with me – I don’t care how nice he is. I wouldn’t expect anything less from the man I am with.

Fantastic sex is THAT important – it’s a sport and more than a sport – and any of you football fans can understand that!

Guys – Take a note from Captain Amazing and take a little firm initiative and just say what you want before you ask her what she wants. Sometimes women who have little experience with fantasies or orgasms simply don’t know what they want or even what is possible or that you want to talk about it or what you’ll think of them for talking about it.

It’s highly likely that she has no idea what is possible or what you’re even talking about.

This is your opportunity to be a kind teacher of the kink you desire. You boys watch way more porn than we women do- that’s a fact –

She also may have self-image issues. Talk about smells and textures, how good they feel, how they turn you on, how much you love them -so she can relax into the pleasure dome.

The media have put so many unrealistic expectations on us women – and it gets really challenging to be in our skin and accept ourselves for who we are fully.

So if we know, I mean really KNOW in our hearts and souls, that you accept us as we are, fully, with our kinky side and our angelic side, with our small front side and robust back side, that will really help move things along.

Both – If there is trouble with the female orgasm or perhaps he is not lasting very long or staying erect, maybe start with masturbating together, or even something slow and gentle like the course OneTaste offers – the 15-minute orgasmic meditation. They have an online class.

I would also recommend books by David Deida, like The Enlightened Sex Manual

Just curious – when did you last flirt with each other?? Dirty text??

Then maybe add food – whipped cream, cherries in the belly button, body frosting…How about an ice cube? Lick a banana?

Then move to sugar lube – warming up lubricants – massages – Things that are new and different.

Introduce a vibratorand then maybe a variety of them – Good grief, there are about 5000 styles, sizes, speeds, etc.

My first foray into sexual fantasy really began with just talking about it. These conversations were always playful as well.

I told him the story of buying my first vibrator, and I shared the written story.

A vibrator is a great introduction to new things. He had one that he purchased for his ex-wife when they first got married. She refused to use it, so it had been sitting in a closet. He was so excited to try it out on a willing participant.

He asked if I trusted him. We had had enough conversations that I did.

Guys – Women must feel safe – physically and emotionally, especially if you want to add kink. A woman also needs to know she is with a real man – Real men are our our protectors who keep us safe.

He blindfolded me and kept me dressed and proceeded to apply the vibrator. It was amazing! (might explain his name).

One day, we tried the handcuffs on – just to test them out. I had a blast!

The real game can be read here >> Divine Date Night – It was so much fun – Again, he asked me if I felt safe – That is a very important thing, Guys.

When he shared one of his fantasies with me, we watched the porn video so I had a visual aid. This was actually post-sex, which brought a great deal of objectivity to the viewing – It was like a science project, so I could see how I could position myself.

I may not ever be able to do it like a porn star – but I am putting forth the effort, and it is super fun to try!

He asked me some of my fantasies – I looked up a few positions I have never tried and sent those to him.

…I’m also choreographing a lap dance 🙂

Just striving to be the best, most fantastic, sexual partner, living out his fantasies actually is my biggest fantasy – and it is such a turn on for me –  so much win!  

I have unleashed my incredibly strong, confident, sexy slutty self – full of femininity, creativity, and primal urges! 

Yes – I texted him and explained my primal urges and my wetness problem to see if he had an adequate solution for me – I’m going over to visit him shortly 😉

 

 

How Do I Feel About That?

How Do I Feel About That? So Much Win!

Isn’t that fascinating?

Ms. Spa called me last night to follow up on a couple of business items – I’m helping her with her website and marketing. She also asked how things went with Captain Amazing.

She is living vicariously through me, so she needed to know if we had great sex, so she could feel equally satisfied.

I told her it was so awesome, and that there were conversations that required “girl talk” debriefing, but that it was all good…that he and I talked about so much, everythings and nothings…and that I was writing them down.

She said, “I want that – to be able to talk about everything with a man.”

#becarefulwhatyouwishfor

She asked if he and I were going to go out. I told her that he had things to do and had to study for his fantasy football draft, so I was free to make plans to do something else.

Note – I am privy to the intricate formulas and data in the spreadsheet with all of the player statistics and how they are ranked by standard deviation – I was there at its inception and assisted in the sorting of the data, at which point, he turned to me, put his hands on my face, and said, “kiss me now please.”

She asked if I was upset that the plans for a Saturday night were changed that day, because she would have been mad.

I said, “No, not at all – we were playing it by ear. I have my kids and he has his kids – so it’s really not a big deal. I saw him Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, and earlier this morning anyway. I think we’ll survive.”

Of course, then she read his confessions and immediately texted me to ask how I feel about this? #wtf #howismyfriend

I thought about her question on my walk this morning –

How do I feel? … and I feel amazing, strong, free, independent, wanted, and victorious – “I WIN!”

Men and women date all the time – that’s how you find out who fits with you.

I like the speed of this thing I am in – I have given him the reins and the gas pedal –

Therefore, I accept what he has determined as the pace that fits his comfort level and where he is emotionally, so he is safe to make a good decision for himself and his family.

I did say to him with a great deal of emphasis, “I want you to know that I’m the best decision you’ve ever made when it comes to women.” …just so things are crystal clear…

I do really like that he has placed me in the “together for a long time” category – It gives me warm fuzzies.

I will speak up if I change my mind – but that’s what I would say – “I’ve changed my mind,” rather than complaining about what I have given him the freedom to dictate.

This “thing” works for me.

I want a real man who has really lived and who speaks with me on my level, which is with a higher level vocabulary and with sex woven into it – and someone who will be nerdy with me – be OK sitting on the floor – who will allow me to get dirty (literally and figuratively) – and who listens to my music and sings with me – and who enjoys hearing me laugh and laughs with me (he knows what I’m talking about), be a little bit twisted, and also be more than ok with the fact that I love my kids and have a non-stereotypical nontraditional relationship with them.

Basically, he has to be brave enough to proceed with the intention of accepting all of me – that’s a tall order, but it is not a license for abuse.

The biggest coward of a man is to awaken the love of a woman without the intention of loving her.

At this point, I believe he qualifies as a “real man” under my definition and that his intention is to accept me and keep me around.

In order to get what I want, I have to be willing to reciprocate, with the intention of accepting all of him, which is also not a license for abuse.

I contemplated what Ms. Spa said she wanted – to be able to have those kinds of conversations with a man….of course, that was prior to reading what the conversations were about.

Now there is still a lot that he and I have not shared – with each of us having over 40 years of living – and he and I REALLY LIVE – there are a lot of stories that haven’t even surfaced.

…but I’m not afraid of those stories, nor am I going to judge him for them. They are the fabric of who he is.

I cannot and will not speak on his behalf, but from what he has told me and shown me, he is not afraid of my stories either.

…and that is the foundation for this friendship/datingship/relationship – relatedness thing – whatever you want to call it – that there is no judgment and we are safe to say anything.

So while I was walking, I asked myself, “How many women would be able to sit there and have that conversation with a man she really likes and hear him tell her about his other dates – without coming unglued or throwing a drink on him or stabbing him with darts?”

Certainly Carrie Underwood wouldn’t or couldn’t…

slash

I don’t have the real answer – I don’t know how many would.

I only care about what I would do and how I feel about it – realizing that there might be something fundamentally wrong with me.

– and it was awkward at first and then entertaining –

However, because this is what I want, I must do more than “talk the talk” – I have to “walk the walk.”

Women want honesty and openness. I wonder though if they are willing to listen to what the man shares AND not freak out.

Furthermore, when talking about wants and needs – I wonder if women actually express what they want? I know I have had a difficult time with this in the past.

I also wonder if they allow a man to express what he wants.

How do women react when he tells her what he wants, either in bed or out of bed? Because he might want something outrageous – 🙂

… or does she say, “No, you’re not having that” and then proceed to argue or complain or bitch?

In the past, I have dated 2 men who probably would have worked for a lot of other women, but not me – because they did not fit me – I did not feel safe to say anything or share my true outrageousness with them –

I always felt smothered and like I was trapped within an inauthentic version of myself, and I was suffering. I wouldn’t want anyone to feel that.

They needed a woman who was more ladylike in behavior and reactions and also someone who didn’t have intellectual, philosophical, or emotional discussions.

Believe me, I get my girly on – but not in a stereotypical womanly way –

In grooming, yes – although my wardrobe is not “sophisticated woman” generally speaking.

In behavior, no.

Those men also didn’t do the kind of living that I have done and want to continue to do – I’m not judging – I’m just very, very different, and I know that about myself.

Therefore, it is extremely important that Captain Amazing feels amazing as well – that he is free to be authentic, that he can share his journey of what he is experiencing in his life with someone who is not going to bite his head off.

In our time together, he has shown me how to celebrate my courageousness more so than any other teacher/mentor I have had.

And that truly means the world to me.

How do I feel?

I feel amazing, free, independent, strong, safe, excited, comfortable, passionate, victorious.

I WIN! #somuchwin

 

Quote above is by Bob Marley

 

Ever Have One Of Those Days??

To Be Crazy Or Not To Be Crazy On A Cray-Cray Day

This post is absolutely an outpouring of my soul – with the hope that anyone reading it is helped by its words. Because I know there is at least 1 person who will benefit from what I am expressing…well 2, if I include myself.

…otherwise, I wouldn’t put it out here…

~~

Last night, we were studying spirit animals. Middlest discovered her spirit animal – Rocket Racoon from Guardians of the Galaxy.

He represents her true essence on the big screen. I love that about her!

We were sitting on the floor next to each other, Middlest with her iPad and me with my ancient 82-1/2-year-old computer that I medicate with Viagra to keep the hard drive hard. #cantgetitupanymore

Anyway, we wanted to find out what our actual spirit animals are- It’s for a book I’m writing – and it’s related to the Hot-Crazy Matrix, where I am ranked as a borderline unicorn. 🙂

hot-crazy-matrix

Middlest commented, “But you’re totally crazy.”

I said, “No I’m not.”

She said, “Yeah, certifiable. You wear kids’ T-shirts and sit on the floor.” 

I said, “Yes, but he likes that about me. ‘Crazy’ in the eyes of a man is ‘nagging,’ ‘bitching,’ ‘complaining, ‘making no sense,’ etc…that kind of stuff.”

She said, “Oh, ok. Well, then no, you’re not crazy.”

I said, “Thanks!”

She said, “Let’s take another quiz…”

During the entire evening, however, I was under a cloud of anxiety because I couldn’t find something that I was requested to find. I had everything else except that – the one thing that was requested of me –

We went to bed, and the nightmares started.

~~

This morning, my walk was interrupted by an awesome rain and magnificent lightning storm, so I chose to drive to fetch my coffee. I returned and woke the little darlings up so we could get ready for school.

In our little microcosm (apartment), we are a close-knit band.

We are so close, in fact, that when one of us is feeling off, the rest of us can feel it too.

This morning, my heightened stress was palpable even though I was outwardly calm…with shaking hands…

Middlest finally said, “I think we all just need to mediate.”

…and we took in a collective deep breath.

I asked her, “Do you have anyone in your life that no matter what you do or say, it will always be wrong? That you’ll always be a fuck-up in their eyes?”

“Every day of my life,” she replied.

#duh

“That’s how I’m feeling right now,” I said. “I shouldn’t care, and I can’t figure out why I do.” 

It was over that request, which really is a little thing, because it usually is…the molehill that gets turned into a mountain.

The thing is, it hasn’t even become a mountain – Nonetheless, I’m beating myself up because it probably will, so I am anticipating it. And I am mulling over all the various scenarios in my head that could possibly happen next.

And since the worst has come to fruition in the past and, therefore, remains a very real possibility; it is always a looming dread in the background of my existence, (i.e. taking my kids or yelling at me or punching a wall near my head) –

It’s extraordinarily difficult to not dismiss those things as possibilities, even though that is entirely irrational.

I know and accept that I will always be a royal fuck-up in the eyes of Mr. Ex.

The truth is, I probably make 1,000 tiny mistakes a day and I continuously correct them. They are small, never the end of the world, and it took me years of retraining myself to correct the “self-flagellation” ….to be able to breathe again and not fear what might happen next.

That said, when someone you love and trust continuously is the one stabbing you, it becomes a very deep wound.

And when I hear about the ones I love most being stabbed by someone they love – It stabs me again…new fresh wound.

After sending my “slices of heaven” to their destinations, I decided that I should talk to someone about what I was feeling.

I didn’t make the wisest decision.

It started well, and as the words left my thought bubbles and came out of my mouth, I started to feel better.

…until…I was offered a criticism that stabbed me again, over something completely unrelated and something that is “me” to my very core – the outpouring of my soul – my writing.

This time, however, I defended myself, and for that I am proud.

I know not everybody is going to resonate with what I have to say. They may not enjoy it or laugh as much I do when they read it. They may even be offended by it. I kind of hope so sometimes, even though that scares me a little bit.

I am acutely aware of this every time I hit “publish.”

I do not take that action lightly.

It probably takes me 10x longer to produce one post than any other author because I read, re-read, re-read out loud, correct format, read, re-read, re-read out loud, correct, add, read, re-read, and re-read out loud until I’ve run out of time.

I have issues with perfection.

I have issues with not being perfect.

I also love not being perfect – It’s very freeing.

But this time it’s hitting me in a different way….and now I have connected the dots…

I have to live with the fact that I will always be a disappointment to someone whom I never wanted to be a disappointment to.

I have to live with the fact that in the eyes of the one person who was supposed to have cared, I will always be boring, unattractive, unlovable, and a complete fuck-up, repeatedly, even though I put forth a tremendous effort to live well, be honorable, and try hard to be my best.

It will probably haunt me until the day I die and every time another fuck-up occurs – and in each occurrence, I am reminded of the disappointment I represent to the person who chose to marry me – the boringness, the unattractivenes, the unloveableness, the perpetual fuck-upness.

I have issues with perfection.

I have issues with not being perfect.

I also love not being perfect – It’s very freeing.

~~

With my head spinning from being insulted and criticized on the phone when I was asking for help, I decided to walk to the bank. I approached a driveway that cut through the sidewalk. There was a car waiting to make a left turn into it.

I hadn’t yet arrived at the driveway, so I stopped walking and looked behind, saw no cars, and waved to the car to turn in ahead of me because he would have had to wait for a bit before I arrived at the driveway and then walked across it.

I waved to him again to indicate that he could turn in – that I was in no hurry – I couldn’t see his face. I was still a little lost in my thoughts and wiping a tear from my face.

He then turned quickly, proceeded to roll down his window, and yelled at me, calling me a bitch.

Yep, it’s one of those days.

I felt like Gamora walking through the prison with all of the inmates yelling at her, wanting to kill her because of who she was and what she represented. She walked gracefully, silently.

~~

I love who I am – I really do.

I love the tribe of people in my life – I really do.

I am taking courageous steps that I know I need to take but are hard anyway and scary anyway.

I have zombies chasing me everywhere, wanting to smother me with that insecurity blanket.

Why now? Why is all of this coming up now?

  • Because I’m adding new necessary dimensions to my work and career – and change can be daunting.
  • Because life is ups and downs and I have chosen to feel rather than to be numb.
  • Because I have an amazing friend who means the world to me.

So here I am, faced with the only things I can control: ME, my actions, my feelings, and my crazy.

Honestly, I feel like I’m standing on the tall platform at the first zip line, feeling like I am going to free-fall into an abyss – or a pit of zombies that are going to pull me down with them – kind of dizzy and sick to my stomach.

I have talked about how scary that was to many people, standing on that first zip line tower, especially because I’m scared of heights.

I had to face that fear alone, with that dizzying queasiness – I felt like I was on a swing at the very top of the arch and that I was going to fly out of it.

During the many times I told that zip line story, I remarked how I couldn’t remember the one thing that made me step off – that made me decide to take that leap.

I remembered it today, two things:

  1. “You’ll be so disappointed in yourself if you don’t this.”
  2. “You’ll have to tell Captain Amazing that you chickened out – YOU BIG NINNY – and he will be disappointed in you too.”

I am not gonna lie – He is so cool!and I never want to disappoint him.

“Never” is a fucking long time, I know that, so that’s a completely unrealistic expectation to put on myself.

…so is being a unicorn, but I’m striving for it anyway…

The point is, sometimes shit gets a little crazy and shit comes up. It just does. When it does, how I handle it determines my level of crazy, which will not go above a 5, no matter how cray-cray things get.

🙂

 

 

My True Love

My True Love: It Exists!!

Dating is daunting for those who are not ready to enter the arena.

Although it’s a lot like becoming a parent – You’re never actually ready.

Even Disney gets it – finally – that in these times when we turn 16, we are not going to be swept away by Prince Charming who is 18 and who is going to rescue us from spinsterhood and early death, being eaten by wolves, so that we can live happily ever after.

In order to get what you want, whether it is marrying Prince Charming or avoiding Count Dracula, you need to understand what you want, to write it down, and to express it.

Let’s take it a step further – Answer the question, “Why”?

Why do you want that? 

And then ask “why” again, followed by “what does it look like?”

Get deep.

If you don’t end up crying, then you’re not going deep enough. And that itself should be an “aha moment” for you, which we should really address.

True love is deeper than that – I know – I have it…

I have true love in my life. #somuchwin

…Are you on the edge of your seat?? Are you thinking something about Captain Amazing??? #suspense #sexualtension

….

….

My True Love Is…

….

….

with my kids.

You may think it’s a bit of an ass-backwards way to figure out what you want from the opposite sex in a loving friendship/relationship/loveship, whatever you want to call it.

However, with kids, there is no bullshit. It’s simple and intuitive.

We are human, and I’ve studied behavior and communication on the most basic of levels through these amazing people.

But I have had to be a confident trailblazer and be very daring to get what I want from the relationship that I have with them.

I also have to mention that we do not own a television. And I do not buy them every little new toy that comes out on the market…never have…We own more books and movies than anything else.

…including the complete collection of Calvin & Hobbes…

At Christmas, they would rather DO something together than GET something.

We give each other memories – They last longer than material things.

Just because we are family, doesn’t mean that “true love” is automatic – That is not a “given” –

Sure, there was definitely a seed planted, but the “true love” had to be nurtured to blossom and grow.

As I take you through this journey of love, I have an important caveat: I do not have a “traditional” relationship/friendship/loveship with my kids.

Their friends even recognize this – Because my kids can talk to me about anything, and I mean anything – and they do! #somuchwin

Note to parents: Their friends speak of wanting our kind of relationship with their moms and dads – Just saying.

**My kids are so proud and honored to have a special relationship with me – They show it off!

They wear me proudly on their arms, ask me on dates, and want to be with me.

These are the communication/behavior goals and ‘codes’ I have always had in place in my piece of peace with my slices of heaven:

  • I respect and support each kid for his/her individuality and his/her talents – and I encourage them to bring forth their talents.
  • I treat them like human beings and communicate with them like human beings. By communicate I mean that we have conversationsA conversation is not a lecture – It is not nagging or bitching or complaining. It is a two-way street and I adapt to their language so that we keep this channel open all the time.
  • We listen. I love their stories.
  • We use positive language and positive redirection and reinforcement.
  • There is no judgment.
  • Our home is safe, especially to speak freely.
  • Our home is peace – as stress-free as we can make it.
  • We have fun, play and create.
  • We appreciate, trust, and honor each other
  • We allow and encourage growth and change.

We have been nurturing these directives for nearly 20 years, making modifications and adding items as we’ve needed to – This is who we are.

Now that they’re teens, there isn’t much work left to do – so we play a lot more.

Our conversations get deeper and get funnier – I love being with US.

We are not perfect. I have to get on them about laundry and maybe dishes. They can get on each other’s nerves and we need to resolve conflicts sometimes. We are people.

~~

Let me point something out, in case the “aha moment” is not happening for you.

I know that I have true love with my kids, and they have true love for me – And we love each other truly (love is a noun and a verb, so we should have it ALL) – And they love each other too – going on sister-sister dates and sister-brother dates…it’s amazing!

…and I know that these fundamentals are in place and fostering this true love…

…and if “true love” is what you seek from the opposite sex, then please, read the list above again and understand it – starting at the **- and then substitute “kids” with the noun that appropriately represents whom you want to love.

Because what is true for the “true love” that exists for me with the model above in place…

…should be the model for all friendships/relationship/loveships – whatever you want to call it, especially with the opposite sex. #duh

It’s simple but not easy … and yes, I’ve had my own “aha moments” with regard to this very topic.

Let’s go back to the beginning then – What do you want? Why do you want it? and Why again? and What does it look like?

Remember, the only change you can make is with yourself –