Confessions Of A Birthday Boy: Hmmmm….
So it was Captain Amazing’s birthday this week.
I found the perfect gift bag for him – It said: “HOORAY, you were born.”
I would totally say that!
He doesn’t really celebrate birthdays – but I like to give special and unique gifts. I prefer homemade, but when I don’t have time for that, the gift has to “fit” the recipient, to the best of my abilities.
Hi, yes, I’d like to order a last-minute stripper. ….Preferably of Asian heritage. … Very bendy, with a heart of gold and a crotch of gold. …Yeah, I’ll hold….Thank you, Ms. Fat Booty! You’re the best!
I gave him two cards: An adult Mad-Lib card with a drinking theme, and a unicorn card – because I’m borderline unicorn.
We went through the Mad-Lib card immediately, and of course, every other word was “fuck” and the body part was “cock” and the liquid was…well you get the idea 🙂
The unicorn card was kind of mushy lovey-dovey.
The front said something like, “I hope you get everything you want, lots of love, kisses, hugs, etc.” and some other nonsense…
…however, the inside said, “but if you get booze, just forget the other stuff!”
I wrote in the card also, indicating there were other goodies not included in his “HOORAY, you were born” birthday gift bag.
2. My ass
3. A wicked awesome great time
…and then I got a little sappy and said:
I love that you are in my life and that we share a wonderfully twisted and fucked-up sense of humor.
Awwww….so sweet and touching….kinda brings a tear to your eye, doesn’t it?
His goodie bag also contained an Incredible Hulk coloring book with special marker pen, a box of 32 crayons, a pack of tropical-themed Bic lighters (because one never knows when a man needs a lighter), and since he likes spicy (so do I), I gave him a bottle of Fireball Whiskey and a pack of Dentyne cinnamon fire gum – and we drank a shot before we went out.
Incidentally, he’s a Leo, and I’m a Sagittarius – both fire signs.
He picked our destination spot – a little dive bar fairly close to his house. He asked me if I played darts.
We entered the little Irish pub and waltzed over to the dart board area.
He asked me what I wanted to drink.
“It’s your birthday – I’ll have what you’re having,” I said.
That probably wasn’t the wisest decision on my part: The bartender delivered two double Jack & Diet Cokes.
I knew right then and there it was going to be a fun and interesting and slightly outrageous kick-ass night, and I was sooooo happy!
He asked again if I had ever played darts.
First round, I tanked two of the shots. Just warming up.
And then my skills came alive, beating him 3 out of 4 games, and having a higher point-per-dart statistic.
I got lots of kisses between rounds and especially when I won. #somuchwin
We decided we would be a great team and should beat some other people in the bar, so we challenged them to a game for drinks.
I dominated and was in the lead all the way to the end. Our opponent hit a lucky shot and the game was over. Nevertheless, I think I razzle dazzled Captain Amazing because I stepped up with my own amazing skills.
I love games!!!
We were a few drinks into the evening, and I asked him how his trip to Mexico was last weekend. He had invited me to go but I couldn’t because I had my kids.
He said it was good and then said he wasn’t sure how much he should share.
Well, if you’re going to say that, be prepared to spill your secrets.
I said, “Bring it.”
And he did.
I knew that he had wanted to see other women, because he wanted to meet people and decide what he wanted –
Bimbos make me happy. Bimbos make me feel alive. Bimbos make me want to pretend to be a better man.
We had had that discussion over sushi one day – when we both declared that sex is an Olympic sport – the sport of champions.
But it was slightly uncomfortable hearing about the other woman (actually women) he has been dating –
However, I listened to the story – and then wondered why he continues to pick whiny, naggy, psycho bitches….and then complains about how crazy these women are. #craycray
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
No. A summer’s day is not a bitch.
He told me that he and Mr. Luge had been talking about his situation – Apparently, Mr. Luge is his voice of reason, his conscience – I imagine the conversation sounded something like this:
ML: (referring to me) You like her and she likes you – and you’re still dating everything that moves?
CA: I’m sorry I don’t follow you. That’s like saying ‘How can an ant lift 50x its body weight, but root beer floats are still delicious?’ Are the two even related?
It really seemed like everything he was telling me was a confessional – like a purging of baggage that he didn’t really want to be carrying around with him anymore.
I can appreciate that.
…and then I wondered what I was feeling – Crazy?? (Should I be getting my Carrie Underwood on???) #gettingcraycray???
But I wasn’t feeling that way….
I did actually became really competitive inside – not jealous or insecure or even angry – just really proud of who I am and what I bring to the table…because I’m a fricking catch, just saying…
So this twisted conversation made me feel strong, a little sensitive, confident, and extremely vulnerable – with a strong desire to BE THE BEST! #sexisanolympicsport
…and then it became so glaringly obvious that I was probably going to get my heart crushed so severely that there would be no hope of return, at least not in this country, planet, universe or lifetime.
It’s like a disease. I caught feelings. I caught feelings bad. I used protection and everything!
He asked me why I liked him, because everyone else he dates calls him an asshole.
I explained that I like how he talks to me and how he makes me feel – how I can just be myself around him…I feel accepted for all my nerdy quirks and that he allows me to be smart around him…The truth is, he has taught me a lot, and in some ways I look up to him.
…he totally turns me on! – that should be an obvious one!
…and we make an excellent team…and what we have is effortless.
He said, “I agree. This IS effortless. And it’s scary.”
So whatever it’s labeled, whatever you want to call it – It is indeed effortless – and it is indeed scary and cool at the same time.
…and we reminisced about the day we met – He remembered all the details!
…and he made the startling realization that we have been together for like 8ish months.
He said, “I really like you.”
We talked about so many things and played games and just had a blast!
It was 2 a.m., and it was my turn to be the leader because the birthday boy drank too much – way more than he had intended – and I arranged our transportation and safe arrival home, making sure he had his credit card and everything he left home with.
I tucked him in…and then folded the clothes that were on the bed. It was 2:30 a.m., and my head was spinning from the whole evening.
I finished and went to bed next to him.
The Next Morning
BEST SEX EVER! It was inspired!!!!
I guess unloading all that emotional baggage allowed him to do acrobatic type things.
There are 3 types of female orgasm – I had all 3!
The Next Day
We made plans to be together this day as well. #somuchwin
Because he had had many birthday drinks, I enlightened him on his barroom confessions – We talked about everything further –
I told him about my “crazy” – that I wasn’t jealous but slightly competitive.
One of my concerns about my lack of naggingness or constant bitching or making unnecessary demands is that I may be perceived as not having a backbone or any strength.
On the contrary, I’m the bravest, strongest woman I know.
I am, after all, courageously facing the worst case of broken-heartedness to feel absolute bliss; joy; earth-shattering, spiritually enlightened, and adventurous sexual experiences; and to potentially end up with the greatest friend I have ever known with a man whom I like and who likes me back – but who also likes bitchy naggy bimbos.
It’s sooo worth it, but he’s still risky. #badboy
The alternative is to feel nothing, numbness, mindlessness, boringness inside an abyss within the borders of the zombie apocalypse. #zombieapocalypseisreal
The only way to find true happiness is
to risk being completely cut open.
I also explained my position with regard to nagging and bitching – I’m not his mother, and I don’t want to be. So I cannot and will not take on that responsibility. He’s a grown man. I’ll help him if he asks me, otherwise, we will just have fun together.
He’s never asked me to do this – I just wanted to make sure he understands that that behavior is NOT in my “crazy resumé.”
He told me we would be together for a very long time.
I said, “I hope so.”
He said, “I’m saying it, so it’s true.”
I accept his words as they are, with no hidden agenda or meaning other than their face value. I believe him. I feel it in the depth of my soul.
He also said, “You make me think. You’re very philosophical, and I’m more ‘to the point and there’s nothing else.'” #somuchwin
Then we daydreamed together about his deathbed when he is 90, and he dies while I’m giving him a spectacular blow job – and he dies with a smile on his face.
He requested that I have an open casket for him in that case, and not to change a thing – so everyone would know that he died doing what he loved with me…and smiling.
He said he wants to have a “celebration of his life” kind of party/funeral – I said I would make sure that happens.
…and then I said, “I will be at the front and raise my arms above my head and say ‘I WIN!!!!’“
He cracked up and said, “You have to do that!”
I said, “I will, I promise.”
quotes above are by Jess- New Girl, me, Barney -How I Met Your Mother, Nick Miller quoting William Shakespeare and himself – New Girl, Modified quote from How I Met Your Mother, Chuck Palahniuk