What A Real Man Says And Does

 

A REAL MAN is almost as rare as a unicorn….I’m a unicorn, and there is only one of me…

How would I know what a real man says and does? After all, I’ve only known 2 real men in my life – Those 2 Real Men set the bar quite high.

 

Sidebar: I began this post in July – since then I’ve added a 3rd – see below. 

 

One is my brother, so my sister-in-law knows what I’m talking about. He’s a great man. He has recently moved away from our area, and this has shaken me up more than I realized it would. I don’t need to say this just because he is my brother.

 

The other walked into my life in the most unexpected and extraordinary manner, and we remain faithful friends in our labeless friendship/datingship/relationship type thing, whatever you want to call it.

 

I avoid putting any male on a pedestal, especially when that status hasn’t been earned.

 

Many have tried, but they failed at some fundamentals.

 

A woman (or man, no judgment) cannot just order a REAL MAN and have one delivered…You’ll end up with DiGiorno, and that’s not the Italian you really want to wake up next to.

It’s not delivery. It’s DiGiorno.®.

Once you have tasted

A REAL MAN gives you a coat to wear when you’re both going outside to the patio to visit before bed, and he doesn’t just hand it to you – He helps you into it and wraps you up like burrito, making sure you are warm.

 

A REAL MAN makes sure everyone is sleeping and comfortable, and he comes to find you, asleep on the couch – and he lies with you all night.

 

A REAL MAN finds your face in the dark and kisses you before you go to sleep.

 

A REAL MAN plays with you. And when you text him to schedule a session, he makes time for you.

 

A REAL MAN allows and expects you to be yourself, even if you’re silly.

 

A REAL MAN is much happier when you’re happier…and he tells you that!

 

A REAL MAN  assures you that you cannot fuck up with him 🙂

 

He still has a lot of catching up to do on “life” because the stress at work and in his personal life is so incredibly all-consuming – It is like the Blob, just taking over everything.

blob-eats

He is constantly fighting the Blob and the work stress – and hopefully soon, life can get back to normal… but the Blob has been around for 6 months.

 

I have noticed how stress affects this man. He is like me in soooooo many ways.

 

When the stress becomes too much, the fortress goes up – and all energies go into defending against the enemy and strategically planning the counterattack.

 

As long as I know that it’s happening, I’m okay with it.

 

He is a REAL MAN, defending his honor, truth, right to protect and serve himself and his tribe.

 

The Blob has been all-consuming…sad for me…a house remodel, a new position for me with ridiculously early hours, and more work for both of us:

 

There hasn’t been a night on the patio in a very long time…sleep-overs are once a month, if I’m lucky…and it’s sad.

miss_you_on__a_rock

Very recently, after I started this post, a 3rd man entered my life. Fortunately for me, Mr. V has stepped in to shine as a REAL MAN in other ways for me.

 

Champion of hard work and leadership, Mr. V has been my biggest fan during my career shift. Where others have talked the talk, Mr. V has walked the walk.

 

It’s hard to say if I’ve been burying myself in work BECAUSE of all of the chaos in Captain Amazing’s world or if the chaos in his world has escalated because of my work.

 

When I recognized that this imbalance between work and personal was not satisfying to me and leaving me empty, Mr. V and I had several awesome talks about what I could do – and that my happiness was of utmost importance.

 

Never get so busy making a living that you forget to make a life.

 

Two enormous opportunities happened at work simultaneously, all thanks to Mr. V and the encouragement to go for it.

 

A promotion, a “show” and full-time work-at-home-once-again status (Dreams come true!)

 

It’s time to put all the pieces back together to further dominate this dream.

 

I immediately walked across the street and signed up for Lifetime again!

 

The sales gal asked me what my goal is: “Do you want to tone, lose weight, get in shape…”

 

I said, “Well, if we are going to be open and real here, I want to pose in a centerfold by my next birthday.” 

 

She said, “Yess!!! I’m putting that down. You could go do that right now. That’s the best answer I’ve ever had.”

 

She had a training minion with her – He was gorgeous and learning the software and the sales, and he chimed in and volunteered to be my bodyguard. 🙂

 

Done!

 

I’m thankful in so many ways. I have a great life, and as always, I’m surrounded by guys I adore – I’m fortunate also that I have REAL MEN in my life too ❤

 

The Double-Stuffed Cream Filling – Part 1

This is the first of two stories that actually took place in the delicious creamy center between the outer edges of my February Oreo cookie (Anti-VD and Week of Disease) –

Happiest Little Boy & Blue

On Monday, February 16th, I arrived at my lovely client’s beautiful home (castle), and she pointed to the corner of the room. She asked me if I would like it –

She knows my real boyfriend is a 2-year-old I run around with, and he’s the Happiest Little Boy (HLB).

Note: I call HLB my “boyfriend,” and we are truly, madly in love each other!! I have thing for younger guys 😉

A couple of weeks ago, his dad, his uncle, HLB and I met up to go hiking, and I hadn’t seen him in a couple of weeks. When he saw me, he jumped from his dad’s arms and ran to me, and he hugged my legs so tight, like he would never let go, and I picked him up and smothered him with sweet kisses!

He’s the bestest boyfriend I have ever had!! (Same rules apply – Must be FUN, say anything, no drama, no judgment, etc.)

We even have a song! Whenever I hear “I Choose You” by Sara Bareilles, I think of him…more so for the beat than for the lyrics.

Anyway, when I saw what my client was pointing to in the corner of the room, I gasped. My hands flew to my mouth and I giggled with sheer delight – “OH MY GOSH!!!” I exclaimed. “Happiest Little Boy would love that so much!! THANK YOU!!!”

It stood about 3 feet tall, at least. I picked it up and squeezed it. It was so soft and squishy, and it made my heart so happy and filled my soul with such joy – I could not wait until HLB saw it.

I dreamed about what he would do first and all the great games he would play –

He has an active imagination that doesn’t stop or even slow down. When we are in the “upstairs” area of the fort, he makes me pizza and hamburgers, and every bolt becomes a knob to turn or a button to push.

I kept his gift in the back seat of my car for a couple of days until I had to go downtown (cream filling story #2!) – and then decided I’d better take it into my apartment –

I thought, “Someone might want to steal it because it’s so awesome!”

I just hugged it and squeezed it as I carried it upstairs. 

“This is the greatest thing, ever!”

When my daughters came home, I showed it to them. They each hugged it and squeezed and had the same feeling I had – “This is amazing! Maybe we should keep it.”

On Sunday, Youngest and I arrived at HLB’s house. Youngest was going to do some chores and entertain HLB while we so-called adults pretended to be adults (work-type stuff, not adult play-type stuff). 

We knocked on the door and heard the locks rattling. Clearly HLB was opening the door himself, doing his best to reach the deadbolt. 

He threw the door open and saw what was in my arms – He grabbed it and ran to the living room, where he proceeded to wrestle with the giant dog and smother it with kisses. 

“That is awesome!!” said his dad. “Where did you get that?”

I told him the story of how this biggest softest awesomest giant stuffed Saint Bernard joined our lives, which looked very similar to this picture below, only bigger and with a big red ribbon bow-tie collar.

stuffed_saint_bernard

As I finished the story, HLB came running up to me: “Mindy, Mindy, come see Blue.”

Awwwww….he named it already!!!!

He grabbed my hand and took me to where Blue was sitting. He said, “Sit on Blue’s lap.” 

As I went to sit down, he said, “Wait – Blue is pooping.” 

I laughed out loud!

Kids in potty training really think of nothing else.

Then he said, “Ok, he’s done….See?” He moved Blue toward the wall where the television cable was (the cable, no TV), so he could give Blue a pretend shower with the pretend hose.

And there I saw where Blue had been “pooping” – a quarter! 

I died of happiness! 

What a perfect pet – It is soft and squishy without shedding; it doesn’t bark or bite; and it poops money!!! 

oopooh

We played tackle with Blue and took Blue into the fort, and wrestled and snuggled until we were all worn out, and Blue needed a nap (um…and the rest of us!)

And that is the sweet, sweet cream filling story #1 that makes my life the tastiest – The story of Happiest Little Boy and His Dog Named Blue – 

Living Bigger

The original working title for this post was “Dreaming Bigger” –

But dreaming is not big enough anymore – The dreams are here right now, so LIVING BIGGER is where it’s at!

I have launched HUGE changes in my life –

These huge changes have meant tight schedules, deadlines, working more, socializing less (not at all), no vacations, and no breaks.

Where is the fun and the chill????

Fun and chill were locked away in the Holiday Gloom 😦

As a result, I put myself quite low I on my own priority list.

It’s time for a little chat with myself: “Self, please take your own advice and put yourself first.”

~~

During the weekend, Captain Amazing so BRAVELY provided me with as much support as I would allow him to provide after my son moved away from home – and various other things – a huge volume of minutia.

Captain Amazing said, “It sounds like things aren’t going so well.”

Actually, things are going very well…but with any EPIC adventure, there are rough patches. I just hit a rough patch.

I tried to logically explain these feelings to him…of feeling out of control, of wanting to run away…

I’ll talk about anything. Anyone who knows me knows this fact. However, I’m able to separate myself enough that I’m not really attached – I’m not intimate with the conversation, and my own personal feelings don’t really come up.

It’s so easy to say it to a crowd, but it’s so hard, my love, to say it to you out loud – Florence & The Machine from No Light, No Light

He bravely asked if I was comfortable with him –

Holy shit, what kind of question is THAT???

Of course, I have been thinking about such things, especially during the abysmal holidays, when my role in other people’s lives becomes quite obvious –

It’s a minor bit-part; I’m actually not in the scene during those times because I’m unattached.

Thankfully, I’m not as low as an understudy (so that’s good – I get to play myself in the show).

I’m unskilled at telling a man how important he is to me without the implication or pressure that I need or expect more than what we have, and at the same time, ensuring him that I’m not going anywhere –

…to provide the freedom AND stability with both need and want – We are inventing something new, and it’s scary sometimes.

I’m riding this adventure out, like I did on my great Hawaii adventure in 2013, without an agenda and without expectations.

As I’m doing that, however, I’m keenly aware of new feelings – Like I miss him sometimes (don’t tell him I said that).

I loathe that feeling so much. It makes me feel powerless and wreaks havoc with my confidence.

“Missing people” has not happened much in my life. I just don’t “miss.” I can count on 1 hand the number of people I have missed in my life (grouping my kids as a unit) –

When I miss my friend Tisha, it’s different – because she died. Neither of us can control that…I just become sad, without wondering about subtext or context.

And there is another feeling that comes up for me with CA – “nurturing” – Don’t know why…but there it is.

We have a great time together – I look forward to his company AND to our sexual adventures – and I’m still very happy and satisfied to take the whole friendship/datingship as it comes –

We have an affinity for each other that I don’t see going away in this lifetime, and I believe it has spanned many lifetimes before.

Nonetheless, some of the shit coming up for me right now is related to the timing of where I am currently with him and “feelings” – and the fact that it’s January, when 2 years ago I was entertaining another man – who is, incidentally, my business partner currently.

Oh, the tangled web I weave!

So these giant leaps of faith I’m taking (personally and professionally) require me to hold hands with my two favorite men – the two men who have been the greatest influences, the most amazing heroes of my life…

– and who have both left me at one point … by myself, unexpectedly abandoned.

While I’m not afraid of being alone or of mending a broken heart – I am terrified of the abrupt nature of how both those events went down – just like the end of my marriage – I didn’t see it coming.

That’s the part that scares me the most – feeling so stupidly unaware – and that I may not have been as connected as I thought I was.

That’s the feeling I have to meditate and breathe through…because I also don’t want to worry about such things. That is not living in the moment, nor is it LIVING BIGGER.

It’s too small for me – that’s putting myself in a cage –

So I have to believe in the intangible and stay the course – and take leaps of faith –

It’s like jumping with a parachute that has no strings – and then depending on these fine men to keep me attached to that parachute…

I can make that analogy and take that jump because they both came back…happily so…on their own terms…

…and they have made my life so much better.

I know that I’m very lucky indeed. I am very grateful – Namaste to my heroes.

~~

On Tuesday, the sun came out (YAY), and I had the opportunity to walk commute:
A 9-mile round trip – and it was delightful.

I walked in the sun, no sleeves, listening to some Disney princess songs, of course singing out loud because I can.

However, when I left the studio at 7:30pm, it was dark. The last time I can remember walking a significant mileage in the dark, other than my shorter walks to Starbucks at 5am, was Hawaii 2 years ago.

hawaii

As I began my journey home from work, I pulled up the music I listened to from that trip to Hawaii – A lot of Florence and the Machine – and I was whisked back to that great adventure!

The memories hit me like a tidal wave – Like my first steps in the ocean at 4:30am under a nearly full moon while listening to Cosmic Love  – It was amazing!

That whole solo adventure was freedom at its finest!

It was diving into the unknown, living unplanned, without a schedule, without an agenda (other than to have an EPIC adventure), without anybody expecting or demanding anything from me – except for ME.

…and my demands were simple – BE, BREATHE, EXPERIENCE.

It was truly the greatest adventure I’ve ever given myself.

The memories were so powerful and so ingrained in my soul, it felt like I was there again. I could actually smell Hawaii on Scottsdale Road.

During my walk home from work that night, listening to Florence and experiencing the feeling that I was back in Hawaii – I decided to spend the month of January 2015 pretending like I’m on a great adventure in a vast unknown land.

Wednesday: One of my beloved clients called in sick – so I had 2.5 hours unexpectedly available in the middle of my day…

…Hmmm…what should I do with that chunk of time??

As I pondered this great opportunity, I put my headphones on and fired up Spotify. They recommended a new playlist, and so I listened to that on my walk to Whole Foods to purchase my cleansing/detox food/juice for the day.

“Don’t Stop Believin” by Journey was on the list – Great song – (Youngest and I had just been talking about this song a few days ago) –

“Just a small town girl, living in a lonely world.
She took the midnight train going anywhere..”

That’s how I feel when I get overwhelmed, so bogged down by the enormity of the volume of minutia that I just want to run away, go anywhere, to just feel free…so I can breathe…so the weight isn’t so heavy.

By letting go of control like that – feeling truly free – I actually feel more in control of my life and my decisions.

So I asked myself what I needed…sunshine??…outdoors??…

…and then I craved a mountain…

I packed my bags for the day and went to work – saw my first client, and then headed to the mountain.

gateway1

I think it hit 80 degrees – My favorite temperature – and I ran and walked, passing others on the hike.

…and I felt free…

gateway2

 

~

On January 13th, I am speaking at Grand Canyon University.

It is the students’ final class, and they are putting together a strategic plan, figuring out what they want to do, what their passion is – mission, vision and values.

The professor invited me to do this so I can spark their imagination.

My public speaking consists of teaching exercise and musical theater, so the students may end up doing push-ups and singing “Agony.”

The professor used my Lego Gandalf picture and my jackhammer picture, along with the biography on my blog to introduce me to his students.

This may seem like such a small step – but it’s a giant leap – To declare my CREATIVE SELF to the Universe – and inspire other people to do the same – YIKES!

I’m not nervous about the speaking engagement – It’s the leap itself.

It’s daunting and overwhelming. I’m diving into the unknown again, but not on a “vacation” – in REAL LIFE, both professionally and personally…

These leaps of faith are the biggest AND scariest I’ve ever taken…

…on the other hand –

Say Geronimo!

 

Radical Views Of Relationships

Aka – The Philosophical Evolution of Relationshits to Awesomeships.

I was having lunch with Mr. KC the other day.

So it was a business lunch, but he also asked me, or I may have offered up, my opinion on relationships, which in essence hasn’t changed much since he and I entertained each other. I’m just able to express it more clearly – articulate it effectively – with confidence.

Mr. KC asked: What is the difference between this and any other thing I’ve been in before? How is it that I can be fully self-expressed?

My philosophy takes up more than one post, and I have discussed this before, but I’ll do my best to summarize…

…because Captain Amazing and I have created something awesome, at least I think so. It definitely works for me.

I would love to see a radical change in how and why people enter into these things – I’ve assisted with online dating profiles and set friends up – but there has been something fundamentally missing.

I can lay out the principles and my opinions on relationships, but before undertaking anything, you have to have an intimate relationship with YOURSELF

Furthermore, you should have a mad, wildly passionate love affair with yourself, because you can’t really know what you want or how to ask for it if you don’t know who you are and what you truly love, what you are willing to experiment with, and how you communicate.

That all comes from a higher place – Not from a place of filling an empty hole with a warm body because society tells you that you should be striving for that.

Here is the brief checklist of the basic principles.

  • Friends first.
  • We want to be here.
  • Great sex, experimental, fun.
  • Safe environment to speak freely, no judgment.
  • Exit clause – if it is no longer fun, if it is boring, if there is drama or too much stress, we go back to the first principle (friends)* – Honor the exit as enlightened respectful adults.
  • No crazy, no drama.
  • No complacency, no obligation.

*Note this addendum: To pursue another, there must be life-enhancement – no backsliding.

What I want for me personally – Love, respect, and multiple orgasms – It’s really that simple.

I know who I am and what I want. I am not very interested in what other people think. But I’m asked the question a lot.

The secret to failure is to try to please everyone.

Please note, that I will only speak for myself – I won’t put words into Captain Amazing’s mouth or speak on his behalf.

But I can say that we have discussed all of the following, much of it before we entertained entertaining each other – and sealed it with a kiss, because as you know, if he sucked at kissing, he wasn’t going to be invited to my party.

My time is precious. How I spend my time and with whom I spend that time create the tapestry of my life.

My life is valuable. I want only the highest quality life…small doses of fineness are fine…But I will not settle for complacency.

Let me also say that even though it is not called a “relationship” – It is a very meaningful “thing” to me, and it enhances my life.

It’s not something I’m “in” because I’m bored or I have nothing better to do. I am emotionally, intellectually, and physically stimulated. (My physical stimulation pleases him greatly – so happy about that!!)

It is actually such an awesome “thing” that a word hasn’t yet been invented to describe it’s awesomeness. I’ve studied (well, briefly looked up) other languages to see if other people of the world have figured this out.

Curiously, the Latins (those who speak Latin) defined the terms the way I see them  –

The Latin word for love is amare and friend is amicus or amica – derivatives.

Relationship: affinitas…not so bad.

Marriage: matrimonium (even my kids say that sounds horrible – I know right??!!)

As I describe this “thing” – It has been understood by my audience to be meaningless, nonchalant, extremely casual, and “take-it-or-leave-it.”

Um…no it isn’t – at least not for me. I can honestly say that I am “all in,” whatever that means, whatever that looks like, without a timeline or an agenda.

The greatest hindrance to living is expectancy, which depends upon [tomorrow] and wastes today.

And if it were to end, I would be crushed – not gonna lie.

But I also don’t worry about that at all. That’s like missing somebody who is standing right in front me. I won’t waste my time fretting about something that may or may not happen.

So I’m “all in” regardless – because the alternative is not acceptable. I’m the best version of me because of this indescribable friendship – and I believe that he is worth it.

He is worth my time – I am also worth that time. One secret to success is the SELECTION – and expressing our unique capabilities (like my flexibility and stimulatability – I can make up words).

The “thing” is the byproduct of the time spent – and the quality of that time – on things that actually matter – not the quantity of time just to fill a void.

Another secret to success is selecting the proper boundaries and making adjustments. So the “thing” does not define us – we define it.

I don’t require proof that he exists in day-to-day life. Of course, I enjoy his company and I am very excited to get a note or a call from him, but I am not so insecure that I require him to say daily, “Hey look at me over here,” nor do I expect him to.

Therefore, we do not talk, text, or email every day – We have shit to do, careers, kids, and it’s ok. But when we do  – I appreciate that time and do not take it for granted.

I do not question the space – again I don’t fret over it – Do I expect or want him to put me above all other things in his life? HELL NO!! NEVER – that would be so horrible and dysfunctional. That’s addictive behavior.

I do send him funnies in his email though – mainly because he has a lot of stress and it makes me feel happy to do that – I like to make him laugh.

My intention is not attention. I would send him the funnies anonymously.

I’m not looking for or wanting co-dependency or a caretaker. I don’t need health insurance or a retirement plan to be provided to me by the man I’m spending my precious time with – I can provide those things for myself, thanks.

I respect his opinion and advice on these matters, however.

I don’t want to be somebody’s responsibility – and I don’t want to be responsible for a grown man.

Responsiveness – YES, but not responsibility for.

There is a huge difference – a fundamental shift in awareness – between the two. Even with raising kids, it should be that the responsibility for them as dependents is not permanent. As they grow, actions and behaviors become responsive to others rather than controlled by others.

Is it better to have someone forced to be in your life? Or is it better that he/she chooses to be in your life? 

So the way I see it, this is a higher-level of enlightened thinking and feeling – and it is more of an unconscious “dance.” While I don’t speak on his behalf, I obviously believe that his intentions are likewise…or it wouldn’t work.

Furthermore, it’s actually more powerful and more meaningful than the “run of the mill” relationshits being entertained and striven for these days, and certainly better than marriage, as evidenced by the cavalier manner that marriage or similar is entertained.

To me, marriage is meaningless and NOT the pinnacle of a successful friendship/datingship thing.

“Marriage” or similar is not truly living in the momentRather, it is existing in limbo, fearing that the other person may leave and preventing him/her from doing so, and actually preparing for their departure, while at the same time, shackling a label on the other person and essentially requiring that they do not live a life fulfilled outside of the union.

They form their purposes with a view to the distant future; yet postponement is the greatest waste of life; it deprives them of each day as it comes, it snatches from them the present by promising something hereafter.

I require and possess a trust and respect that most people need a piece of paper and a lawyer to enforce  –

If that future doesn’t come for them, they become disgruntled, take each other to court, feel their investment in that future was wasted – when really, if each moment together was spent in blissful harmony, there would be no reason to look beyond that moment –

There is nothing bigger or better than that present moment.

I know that this is a novel way of thinking because I’m having to explain it.

Can anything be sillier than the point of view of certain people—They keep themselves very busily engaged in order that they may be able to live better … they spend life [getting] ready to live.

,..and I’ve been accused of thinking very little of myself – as if I’m not worthy of marriage. On the contrary, I don’t think marriage is worthy of me.

 

 

quote material above from “On The Shortness of Life” by Lucius Seneca

 

 

The Tweener

George Takei posted this picture on his Facebook page:
adulting

It says: I keep thinking, “Oh man, I’m so immature. How am I allowed to be an adult? … Then I spend time with teenagers. … And it’s like, ‘wow, okay, yeah. I am an adult. I am so adult. Look at me adulting all over the place.” 

I wish I could say that I’m adulting all over the place…Hmmm…that’s not true. I’m glad I can’t.

In the spirit of my life, I’m quite content to BE just me, and that looks nothing like an adult.

In the words of Joss Whedon:

Remember to always be yourself. Unless you suck.

But even better – because I can speak the lingo of the tweens, I have awesome communication with my kids, who are also tweens.

Seeing that picture allowed me to segue into the frenzy of texts between my own 17-year-old and me yesterday.

5:09 am

From me: OMG – I just pulled a “push” door at Starbucks. I said to the counter lady, “Oh, your door is locked.” She said, “Just push.” I AM NICK MILLER!!!! I hate doors!

My daughter’s reply: OMG mom.

From me: I know! I would have been more embarrassed but I wasn’t quite awake.

She said: I’m so proud of you mom.

I said: Awww thanks! I try to set a good example!

She said: I can tell.

Then – she sent – in all caps.

AVENGERS 2 PREVIEW CAME OUT YESTERDAY. OMG I’M GONNA DIE.

My reply: NO WAY!!!! Where did you see that???

She said: YouTube. Tyler told me and I just watched it. Seriously, I’m really excited.

I was giddy, watching the trailer.

I said: F-YEAH!!!! OMG!!!! Nerdgasm!!

Her reply: They finally have Thor shirtless! They did something right!!

My reply (which I was sending at the same time as her reply): Thor popped out of the water shirtless!!!! Like a daisy!!!

Her reply: hahahaha!!!!!

She added: Why does Ultron keep quoting Pinocchio? I’ve got no srings was the song in the background! Goddammit Disney!

My reply: He was referring to puppets – perhaps he takes over Iron-Man’s controls??? I only watched it once.  … We do need to get the exact release date because DOUBLE FEATURE!

Please note the language above – How fascinating it is that I said “F-YEAH” and she said, “They finally have Thor shirtless.” …for whatever that’s worth.

So being the stalking researching tween mom I am, I did a quick Google search and discovered:

avengers2

That is her birthday!! – Which I sent to her.

Her reply: I CAN FEEL THE WIN!!!!!!

~~

I know I was totally fangirling the other day with Ira Glass and Dubbells And Dragons, but right now, I have to admit that I’m at a sick and twisted level of fangirl.

We love Joss Whedon, just saying.  He upholds our family philosophical ideal. We would adopt him into our tribe.

I do think it’s possible to have tribal members who are cybergenitcally related.

(It’s my blog, I can make up words like cybergenitcally and pimpitude).

I’ll take crazy over stupid any day.”
― Joss Whedon

 

Yesterday, I met a friend, Mr. KC, for a business brainstorm at Paradise Bakery – I wore my pink Personal Power Training tank top and my camo leggings – I came straight from work, and that’s what I wore to work.

He is insisting that I start making video.

UGH – On a scale of one to even – I just can’t!! #canteven

Tenness Williams said:

There comes a time when you look into the mirror and you realize that what you see is all that you will ever be. And then you accept it. Or you kill yourself. Or you stop looking in mirrors.

That’s about where I am.

That said, it’s time for my run.

The Hangover

hangover

Tuesday

So Monday was rather suckish….for reasons that made me say “Holy Shit – what was that??!! What the fuck did I do???”

I was so hungover yesterday, and I hadn’t had anything to drink – and sadly, I had had no sex.

Yet, I felt that overwhelming need to apologize for having way too much fun, like I went on a drinking and sex bender –

–one of those one-night stands that you crawl home the next day, and a memory flashes before your eyes, requiring you to hold your head and scream out in pain, and you just want to die —

“OMG, what did I do to myself???”

I have discovered in recent years that I can develop a hangover from a variety of activities (living the “high” life) where drinking alcohol is not involved, like having great sex.

It had been a rare occurrence that I first experienced in November 2012, and it happened maybe 2 or 3 times with that guy.

It didn’t happen again until my adventures with Captain Amazing.

And since it’s happening fairly regularly, it’s quite…um…crazy…With physical cravings, shaking hands, dizziness, sweating, cloudy thinking, inability to walk…

What I learned this weekend – I can actually have kid hangover. #wtf

During the last 7 years of my post-marriage kid adventure, I did notice that I would be “sad” after a weekend with the kids – and at the same time, relieved because I could actually clean my dwelling and have some quiet time – I mean quiet – QUIET – QUIET!

My kids have only met 3 guys I have dated, one was fun and had 3 kids who were my kids’ ages (that was just a summer of fun and not a relationship) …

… and the other 2 were both total disasters – Those guys were not fun and were actually jealous of my relationships/friendships between my kids and me. So obviously NEXT – 

So now, my kids are older, and the 4 of us have a rather rigorous screening process when it comes to anyone hanging out with all of us.

He has to be somewhat nerdy, have an absolute love/obsession with superheroes and Marvel movies, and allow a lot of playing, sitting on the floor, being stupid, joking, speaking in a way that the so-called “normal” people would find offensive…

…OK, so check to all of the criteria above so far…

That’s not the issue – I am soooo over worrying about any guy who would be pissy with me spending quality time with my kids and question the manner in which I spend that time….

…so if we are all watching a movie, and my 13-year-old wants to sit on my lap on the floor, she is going to – no questions, no discussing this – It’s non-negotiable.

None of this was questioned – no pissiness – It was absolute BLISS!

So far, so good – Captain Amazing can hang with us.

However, with the exception of the one guy above, I have never dated someone with kids who were still kids…or whom I met…

~~~

Yep, I love my kids. They are awesome. They quote pop culture until it becomes the fabric of their language and then they produce spin-offs. All teens probably do it, but mine are very skilled. Except they sometimes cite the original source – and it ruins the moment. #ruiner

However, I don’t love ALL kids – For the same reasons above, not all can hang with us. A few can and do, and those that do – they are awesome.

The ones that don’t and can’t – well they haven’t been parented the way I parent or they lack the open-mindedness or thick skin or funness required of being a member of our tribe – and in either scenario, I can leave those kids.

And I have never, in my entire life, looked forward to spending time with kids other than my own and perhaps 1 or 2 of their friends (but not their friends by themselves)…

…until now…and I don’t know what to do.

~~

RELEVANT FUN FACTS ABOUT ME

Fact #1

I have unique boundaries. #duh

So there was a quasi-serious conversation that took place last Friday morning in bed, one in which I was instructed to not get “too attached.”

This is it – I have no hidden agenda – This is it! (I’m making a circle motion above myself)

There is no issue, since I am the queen goddess of commitment-phobia, although I’m not a love addict or love avoidant, and I’m definitely not a co-dependent.

However, I have been a love addict once in my life and definitely a love avoidant for the majority of my life, and I’m not afraid to admit that.

I do not want any man (or other adult) to be dependent upon me, nor do I want to ever be dependent on any man – EVER – for the rest of my life.

I do not want to be responsible for any man, and I don’t want any man to be responsible for me.

Fact #2

I love fun –

Fact #3

I am ALL IN.  

I live for moments – all kinds – I get sucked in and single-focused. I give each moment at least 100% of what I have to give in that moment.

Sometimes I’m tired, so my 100% is not as strong as other days, but I’m THERE – I’m ALL IN.

Fact #4

I follow directions, unless I’m rebelling or running away…Or I forget. #whatmemory

~

Sunday – Shiz Got Real

I invited one of his sons to walk my friend’s 5 dogs with Youngest and me. He said it sounded good and asked if he and his other son could join.

YES! Super fun!!

…It started at the park – and I asked Youngest to hold the leash of my assigned dog – and that was it. I was climbing the rock wall, taking the 2-year-old over the suspension bridge and onto the twisty slide…I swung on the monkey bars…

…and then it transitioned to football…and where I lost all sense of my senses…I played so hard that I didn’t know where I was or what I was doing…I lost track of time…

…I wrestled a 2-year-old – We ate Otterpops, played catch, colored on the chalkboard, raced cars, played HedBanz Game (BTW, I drew the unicorn card!!) and Legos, dive-bombed beanbag chairs, played in the backyard, and watched Captain America: The Winter Soldier .

…it went on all night…

The details are blurry – but it was the worst best binge – a playing spree – unrestrained indulgence…

I was ALL IN – 500% – until I was spent.

I paid for it yesterday. I thought I had nothing left in the tank – I was wrong – I was full of tears and regret…

regret

I spent my Monday incredibly hungover, crying, practicing the apology I felt I needed to make for having had way too much fun….and for the thing I don’t want to admit out loud to anyone EVER – #denial

Those were the boys I was looking for – and that is avoidance. #boycrazy

I can’t even write the real words down – I am the biggest idiot that ever lived! 

WTF did I do???!!

Do I miss my kids that much??? #struggleisreal

I guess I do. I hate to admit that. The saddest part is that I’ve had to spend the last 7 years with a leash around my heart because it hurts a lot when they leave…

…and I guess I’ve gotten used to it…that helpless emptiness…That having to be an adult because my kids aren’t around…

WTF did I do???!!

I have never experienced anything like this before. #shizgotreal

And I don’t even know how to apologize for feeling so shitty – I feel like I crushed the world, when all I did was crush myself.

I don’t even know if “shitty” is the right word – Maybe it’s growth?? Hurts so good?? Fear???

I laugh in the face of fear – HA HA HA!!!

How do I apologize when I am facing demons from my past – not even demons really – I think I actually slipped into a life I don’t have anymore, like I was in a hologram.

Wait a minute -I shouldn’t have to apologize for having fun and for being myself – even if it was 500% of myself – and showering kids with love and laughter and playing –

All kids deserve that, even the ones who don’t fit into my tribe. I deserve that too.

SO NOT SORRY! Here are 7 things we women should never be sorry about.

The best hangover remedy is more of what made you hungover in the first place! So let me just order up more play time – in all the ways I love to play 😉

Here are the 5 most common regrets that people have on their deathbed:

1.   I wish I’d had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me.
2.   I wish I didn’t work so hard.
3.   I wish I’d had the courage to express my feelings.
4.   I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends.
5.   I wish that I had let myself be happier.

I don’t see anywhere on that list:
“I wish I had less sex” or
“I wish I hadn’t played so hard with great kids.”

So I might be ok after all…I just wish this hangover would end so I can get on with my life!!

Oh, and none of those will be my regrets on my deathbed. 

regret 2

 

 

The Things I Wear

I Dress For Function And Theme, Including Pleasure & Sports – Month, Holidays, Etc.

I used the word “pleasure” – so you know that Captain Amazing is the centerpiece of this story.

…and he should be – 🙂

It’s also October 🙂

A couple of weeks ago on a Wednesday, he invited me over for a late visit after work. I decided to wear a tank top and cute panties – that’s it.

I texted him that I was on my way and that I was thirsty.

He replied, “Do you want to go out for drinks?”

I replied back, “I’m not wearing much.”

He astutely said, “:-) Good girl. We have drinks here.”

NICE!

I love that my “bad girl” gets “good girl” compliments! #yougogirl

I locked up the apartment and went downstairs to the car. A few minutes into the drive, my phone lit up – He said, “Door open.”

I replied, “Legs open.”

“:-)”

NICE!!

I arrived and we greeted each other in our usual way – totally excited, lots of kissing – and I usually melt inside but try to stay rather put together on the outside.

It’s an epic fail, but I go for it anyway.

I’m just too giggly for such nonsensical conformity. Plus I don’t give a shit if he sees me lose it – it is what it is.

He was naked, by the way. Yum! So how was I supposed to keep it together??? #playnaked

play naked

He guided me to the kitchen where he fixed us drinks.

I said, “I am so happy that you know what being ‘thirsty’ means.”

He looked at the bottle of bourbon…and then looked at me… puzzled…and said, “I know what thirsty means, and I know what wet means.”

I said, “THANK YOU – I have told men in the past that I’m thirsty, and I got a bottle of water.”

He laughed. He handed me my drink and said, “So I have something to tell you.”

“Shit,” I thought with a look of panic on my face, “I didn’t drink this fast enough.”

He said, “It’s good – It’s good.” He paused, probably for dramatic effect.As of this point, I am now a one-woman man.”

Holy shit! Is the devil wearing a snowsuit?? 

I said, “Congratulations! Gosh, I hope I’m the girl!!!”

He laughed, “You are.”

We clinked our glasses in this toast and took a sip of our drinks. I was smiling from the inside out. #itsathing

I set my glass down, raised both my arms above my head, as if to indicate a touchdown, and said:

“I win!!!!!”

We both cracked up.

He put his glass down and finished some of his kitchen chores. I just watched and enjoyed my drink and my view.

It’s voyeurism at its best – cocktails and a cock – he he.

He was lining the trash can with a fresh bag and looked at me – “Is this how you like your men? Naked and barefoot in the kitchen doing your bidding?”

“Hell yeah!”

I win again!

We talked more about our likes and dislikes, things that irritate us, etc. And then I mentioned the blog and a joke I posted for him so he could use it at his fantasy football draft.

He said he hadn’t read it in a while and then said, “Let’s go read it.”

He fixed us another round, and we took our drinks into the office and began to read and laugh. He loved the guts vs balls joke. It is a good one!

And then we read Mr. Zesty Is My Fluffer and watched the whole video – my tame girl porn.

He left some beautiful comments! I especially like his comment on the Mr. Zesty post, regarding the strawberry ❤

Thursday

…It was the next morning that sent me over the top. I was on top and really enjoying myself, when he said, “Yeah, grind on that Mr. Zesty.”

I absolutely died laughing – It was the funniest damn thing! We had to stop because we were laughing so hard –

Once I had caught my breath from the hysterics, I proceeded to lose my breath again 🙂

I have a “rule” for myself to finish projects that I start.

We got up – and I went into the kitchen to pour us some coffee. He started to get ready for work.

We had plans that night to go out with his brother.

He said, “This is the first double date he and I have been on.”

“Really?” I asked. I was rather surprised by that.

A few minutes later I asked, “What should I wear?”

He was getting dressed himself, deciding between two ties, and he looked at me.

“I really appreciate that you asked me, but I’m not authorized to advise you,” he said. “If you want to dress like a slutty ho, I am all for that!” 

He walked over to my vantage point on the bed and kissed me and then returned to selecting his tie.

He added, “But, I will take you out on the town and show you off if you have dresses that you never get to wear.”

Holy shit! That is so amazing!

“Thank you,” I said. “I also dress for function and theme.”

He cocked his head and smiled quizzically.

“If you bring a toy, for example, I need to dress accordingly,” I said.

“I was thinking about it,” he said.

Yay!!!

I hope he really does  – I want to know if I could keep it together with an “audience,” much like Katherine Heigl did in “The Ugly Truth.”

We both went our separate ways – to work – and he texted me later with the plans – Dinner. Awesome!

I chose a great cleavage top. I tried on a skirt, on the off chance that he would bring the toy, but I opted for the nice-ass shorts instead.

Dinner was a riot. He and I drank and laughed. I didn’t know we had so many private jokes that we think are hilarious – Plus we added Mr. Zesty.

The other couple just stared at us – with their jaws dropped – as if they had never seen anything like us before or they were in absolute shock.

I’m not sure why. They both know us.

He ackowledged and appreciated my nice rack and my nice ass. He did not bring the toy, which was fine – Next time **hint, hint**

~~

Friday

Double date, round #2

We made plans to fix up two of our friends – He told me THE MOST AWESOME little story/compliment I have ever heard – It might have been a tie – It’s hard to top a dying man’s compliment – but they were so similar….and it just makes me so happy as a human being…

He said he told his friend, ‘You are going love Mindy – It’s just the kind of girl she is’ – …

#diedofhappiness

I’m sure there was more to the story after that, but my brain stopped there.

I am??!!! He would???!!! 

#diedofhappiness

Our date was to take place at the Scottsdale Gun Club. My dream of becoming Lara Croft and/or Black Widow, supreme badass with a firearm, was about to come true!!

What did I wear?

I chose my Fabletics black leggings with the camouflage stripe down the side, black push-up bra with white tank top …

(FYI – cleavage does not get in Lara Croft’s way)… 

…knee-high “Warrior” socks, and black combat boots.

…I thought this would be proper attire for an evening at the shooting range…

I felt supremely badass, and he grabbed my ass properly on each gun exchange. 🙂

We used an AR15 and a handgun. I really liked the handgun. I did so well firing the weapon that night, probably because of my badass attire, that I think he was actually proud of me.

I had to hang my target in my apartment to show off my new skill.

We really had so much fun! So he invited me to shoot with him again Sunday with his other brother.

#diedofhappiness

Sunday

We went to Ben Avery, an outdoor shooting range, and took the rifle too.

What did I wear?

My Fabletics full camouflage leggings, camo sports bra, and hot pink tank top, with black combat boots…

…you know, proper attire for a Sunday morning of shooting…

camo leggings

One of the range workers came over to me to tell me a story about hot shell casings dropping down a girl’s top once, and she had to remove her top – He felt he needed to warn me.

I thanked him for the heads-up and told him I had no problem taking my top off, if that were to happen.

Captain Amazing and I laughed. He said, “You know he just wanted to look down your shirt.”

“Yeah, I know,” I said. “It’s my contribution to the less fortunate.” 

I loved the rifle, by the way. He warned me that the kick on it could possibly dislocate my shoulder if I didn’t hold it right.

I gladly accepted his instruction – and with the first pull of that trigger – OMG – It was so awesome! I loved the power!

We spent a few hours there – so much fun – but then it was time to go. We went straight to watch football.

After the afternoon games, we went back to his place, cleaned ourselves up, and read sex articles to each other… Then we walked to the Olive Garden so we could eat a relatively healthy dinner, drink and watch the evening game.

#diedofhappiness

 

What’s Holding Me Together?

What’s Holding Me Together????!!!!!

Skin??

Compression tights??

Hair scrunchy??

Yeah, I know… It’s terrifying – and…and…and…pathetic…

Awesome.

These lame, awesome … “FEELS”???!!!

UGH – I’m choking…

They are so stupid and awesome!!!!!

Chest pain…I can’t breathe…

It IS a disease – I was right the other day!! I caught a disease!

I don’t know how I am going to stay in my skin all day until I see him tonight….TONIGHT???

Shit! It’s going to take F O R E V E R  to get here!!

CRAP, CRAP, CRAP!

OMG – I can’t wait until tonight!!! I’m soooo excited! 🙂

Somebody help me!!! I’m drowning!!! 

I am absolutely miserable and awesome!

I think I was abducted by aliens last night at Dairy Queen – no actually it was on the street corner – I couldn’t feel my legs this morning when I walked to get coffee.

I’m so pissed HAPPY!!!! I think I was drugged – and I didn’t even have the ice cream!

Ice cream makes me drunk – in a not-as-much-fun-as-rum-does way, so I said, “No thanks” to drugs ice cream – I said it “wasn’t my thing.”

Truth is, I can’t eat, clearly can’t sleep; there’s no doubt, I’m in deep – What the hell??? I don’t even like that song!!!!

Last night, we were invited to go on an impromptu yet probably life-changing Dairy Queen date with 3 awesome dudes.

It was astounding that I could get ready in under 20 minutes – With showering, picking out clothes, and attempting to look somewhat put-together and ridiculously cool without being completely ridiculous, as I asked my 13-year-old to help me get ready. She just needed to put on her shoes.

She said, “Mom, breathe…it’s ok…you have the ‘feels.'”

I said, “No I don’t – How dare you??!! I’m just excited to go to Dairy Queen.”

She said, “DENIAL! …It’s ok…I see this a lot at school. The high-pitched voice, the giggling, the panting…It’s the feels.” 

I said, “Shut up – How do I look?”

She said, “Um, I don’t know what you want me to say – You’re wearing a girl’s medium T-shirt with a minion on the front.”

I wore my awesome pink Minion Love shirt – I wanted to wear my pink ninja “You Can’t See Me” shirt, but I couldn’t find it.

I said, “What does that have to do with anything???!! I like this shirt. It has glitter on it! Other than the shirt, how do I look?”

She said, “Um…well… You need to breathe.”

She and I walked to the street corner to meet them because there was no way I could stay inside with that much electricity running through my body.

I was suffocating inside the walls.

Was I going to play it cool? Frick no! I didn’t have it in me.

We were standing on the corner, and she was laughing at me. And then she pointed at 2 cars coming and asked, “Is that them?” 

Captain Amazing pulled up…We climbed in…and I could breathe – sort of –

And we talked about all the things we enjoy and probably talked a million miles a minute – and it was so awesome. …so awesome!

She and I were still talking about it this morning in the car on the way to school.

I woke up at 3:18 a.m. and couldn’t get back to sleep because my smile was making my face hurt – It hurt with pleasure – I was in THAT kind of pain.

#wtf #wtf #wtf #wtf #wtf #wtf #wtf #wtf #wtf #wtf #wtf #wtf #wtf #wtf

When does a hill become a mountain?? – It just HAPPENS!

OMG – What am I going to wear tonight???!!!!

I want to get a two-syllable “DAMN” tonight!

…Because I’m feeling pretty twirly.

…A two-syllable “DAMN” …That’s the dream!

**BREATHE**

Ugh, I’m going to the gym! I think I’ll run 11.27 miles because I can.

 

How Do I Feel About That?

How Do I Feel About That? So Much Win!

Isn’t that fascinating?

Ms. Spa called me last night to follow up on a couple of business items – I’m helping her with her website and marketing. She also asked how things went with Captain Amazing.

She is living vicariously through me, so she needed to know if we had great sex, so she could feel equally satisfied.

I told her it was so awesome, and that there were conversations that required “girl talk” debriefing, but that it was all good…that he and I talked about so much, everythings and nothings…and that I was writing them down.

She said, “I want that – to be able to talk about everything with a man.”

#becarefulwhatyouwishfor

She asked if he and I were going to go out. I told her that he had things to do and had to study for his fantasy football draft, so I was free to make plans to do something else.

Note – I am privy to the intricate formulas and data in the spreadsheet with all of the player statistics and how they are ranked by standard deviation – I was there at its inception and assisted in the sorting of the data, at which point, he turned to me, put his hands on my face, and said, “kiss me now please.”

She asked if I was upset that the plans for a Saturday night were changed that day, because she would have been mad.

I said, “No, not at all – we were playing it by ear. I have my kids and he has his kids – so it’s really not a big deal. I saw him Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, and earlier this morning anyway. I think we’ll survive.”

Of course, then she read his confessions and immediately texted me to ask how I feel about this? #wtf #howismyfriend

I thought about her question on my walk this morning –

How do I feel? … and I feel amazing, strong, free, independent, wanted, and victorious – “I WIN!”

Men and women date all the time – that’s how you find out who fits with you.

I like the speed of this thing I am in – I have given him the reins and the gas pedal –

Therefore, I accept what he has determined as the pace that fits his comfort level and where he is emotionally, so he is safe to make a good decision for himself and his family.

I did say to him with a great deal of emphasis, “I want you to know that I’m the best decision you’ve ever made when it comes to women.” …just so things are crystal clear…

I do really like that he has placed me in the “together for a long time” category – It gives me warm fuzzies.

I will speak up if I change my mind – but that’s what I would say – “I’ve changed my mind,” rather than complaining about what I have given him the freedom to dictate.

This “thing” works for me.

I want a real man who has really lived and who speaks with me on my level, which is with a higher level vocabulary and with sex woven into it – and someone who will be nerdy with me – be OK sitting on the floor – who will allow me to get dirty (literally and figuratively) – and who listens to my music and sings with me – and who enjoys hearing me laugh and laughs with me (he knows what I’m talking about), be a little bit twisted, and also be more than ok with the fact that I love my kids and have a non-stereotypical nontraditional relationship with them.

Basically, he has to be brave enough to proceed with the intention of accepting all of me – that’s a tall order, but it is not a license for abuse.

The biggest coward of a man is to awaken the love of a woman without the intention of loving her.

At this point, I believe he qualifies as a “real man” under my definition and that his intention is to accept me and keep me around.

In order to get what I want, I have to be willing to reciprocate, with the intention of accepting all of him, which is also not a license for abuse.

I contemplated what Ms. Spa said she wanted – to be able to have those kinds of conversations with a man….of course, that was prior to reading what the conversations were about.

Now there is still a lot that he and I have not shared – with each of us having over 40 years of living – and he and I REALLY LIVE – there are a lot of stories that haven’t even surfaced.

…but I’m not afraid of those stories, nor am I going to judge him for them. They are the fabric of who he is.

I cannot and will not speak on his behalf, but from what he has told me and shown me, he is not afraid of my stories either.

…and that is the foundation for this friendship/datingship/relationship – relatedness thing – whatever you want to call it – that there is no judgment and we are safe to say anything.

So while I was walking, I asked myself, “How many women would be able to sit there and have that conversation with a man she really likes and hear him tell her about his other dates – without coming unglued or throwing a drink on him or stabbing him with darts?”

Certainly Carrie Underwood wouldn’t or couldn’t…

slash

I don’t have the real answer – I don’t know how many would.

I only care about what I would do and how I feel about it – realizing that there might be something fundamentally wrong with me.

– and it was awkward at first and then entertaining –

However, because this is what I want, I must do more than “talk the talk” – I have to “walk the walk.”

Women want honesty and openness. I wonder though if they are willing to listen to what the man shares AND not freak out.

Furthermore, when talking about wants and needs – I wonder if women actually express what they want? I know I have had a difficult time with this in the past.

I also wonder if they allow a man to express what he wants.

How do women react when he tells her what he wants, either in bed or out of bed? Because he might want something outrageous – 🙂

… or does she say, “No, you’re not having that” and then proceed to argue or complain or bitch?

In the past, I have dated 2 men who probably would have worked for a lot of other women, but not me – because they did not fit me – I did not feel safe to say anything or share my true outrageousness with them –

I always felt smothered and like I was trapped within an inauthentic version of myself, and I was suffering. I wouldn’t want anyone to feel that.

They needed a woman who was more ladylike in behavior and reactions and also someone who didn’t have intellectual, philosophical, or emotional discussions.

Believe me, I get my girly on – but not in a stereotypical womanly way –

In grooming, yes – although my wardrobe is not “sophisticated woman” generally speaking.

In behavior, no.

Those men also didn’t do the kind of living that I have done and want to continue to do – I’m not judging – I’m just very, very different, and I know that about myself.

Therefore, it is extremely important that Captain Amazing feels amazing as well – that he is free to be authentic, that he can share his journey of what he is experiencing in his life with someone who is not going to bite his head off.

In our time together, he has shown me how to celebrate my courageousness more so than any other teacher/mentor I have had.

And that truly means the world to me.

How do I feel?

I feel amazing, free, independent, strong, safe, excited, comfortable, passionate, victorious.

I WIN! #somuchwin

 

Quote above is by Bob Marley

 

Confessions Of A Birthday Boy

Confessions Of A Birthday Boy: Hmmmm….

#somuchlike

So it was Captain Amazing’s birthday this week.

I found the perfect gift bag for him – It said: “HOORAY, you were born.” 

I would totally say that!

He doesn’t really celebrate birthdays – but I like to give special and unique gifts. I prefer homemade, but when I don’t have time for that, the gift has to “fit” the recipient, to the best of my abilities.

Hi, yes, I’d like to order a last-minute stripper. ….Preferably of Asian heritage. … Very bendy, with a heart of gold and a crotch of gold. …Yeah, I’ll hold….Thank you, Ms. Fat Booty! You’re the best!

I gave him two cards: An adult Mad-Lib card with a drinking theme, and a unicorn card – because I’m borderline unicorn.

We went through the Mad-Lib card immediately, and of course, every other word was “fuck” and the body part was “cock” and the liquid was…well you get the idea 🙂

The unicorn card was kind of mushy lovey-dovey.

The front said something like, “I hope you get everything you want, lots of love, kisses, hugs, etc.” and some other nonsense…

…however, the inside said, “but if you get booze, just forget the other stuff!”

PERFECT!!!

I wrote in the card also, indicating there were other goodies not included in his “HOORAY, you were born” birthday gift bag.

1. Orgasm
2. My ass
3. A wicked awesome great time

…and then I got a little sappy and said:

I love that you are in my life and that we share a wonderfully twisted and fucked-up sense of humor.

Awwww….so sweet and touching….kinda brings a tear to your eye, doesn’t it?

His goodie bag also contained an Incredible Hulk coloring book with special marker pen, a box of 32 crayons, a pack of tropical-themed Bic lighters (because one never knows when a man needs a lighter), and since he likes spicy (so do I), I gave him a bottle of Fireball Whiskey and a pack of Dentyne cinnamon fire gum – and we drank a shot before we went out.

Incidentally, he’s a Leo, and I’m a Sagittarius – both fire signs.

He picked our destination spot – a little dive bar fairly close to his house. He asked me if I played darts.

…ummm…maybe… 😉

We entered the little Irish pub and waltzed over to the dart board area.

He asked me what I wanted to drink.

“It’s your birthday – I’ll have what you’re having,” I said.

That probably wasn’t the wisest decision on my part: The bartender delivered two double Jack & Diet Cokes.

I knew right then and there it was going to be a fun and interesting and slightly outrageous kick-ass night, and I was sooooo happy!

He asked again if I had ever played darts.

…ummm…maybe…

First round, I tanked two of the shots. Just warming up.

And then my skills came alive, beating him 3 out of 4 games, and having a higher point-per-dart statistic.

NICE!

I got lots of kisses between rounds and especially when I won. #somuchwin

We decided we would be a great team and should beat some other people in the bar, so we challenged them to a game for drinks.

I dominated and was in the lead all the way to the end. Our opponent hit a lucky shot and the game was over. Nevertheless, I think I razzle dazzled Captain Amazing because I stepped up with my own amazing skills.

I love games!!!

We were a few drinks into the evening, and I asked him how his trip to Mexico was last weekend. He had invited me to go but I couldn’t because I had my kids.

He said it was good and then said he wasn’t sure how much he should share.

Well, if you’re going to say that, be prepared to spill your secrets.

I said, “Bring it.”

And he did.

I knew that he had wanted to see other women, because he wanted to meet people and decide what he wanted –

Bimbos make me happy. Bimbos make me feel alive. Bimbos make me want to pretend to be a better man.

We had had that discussion over sushi one day – when we both declared that sex is an Olympic sport – the sport of champions.

But it was slightly uncomfortable hearing about the other woman (actually women) he has been dating –

However, I listened to the story – and then wondered why he continues to pick whiny, naggy, psycho bitches….and then complains about how crazy these women are. #craycray

Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
No. A summer’s day is not a bitch.

He told me that he and Mr. Luge had been talking about his situation – Apparently, Mr. Luge is his voice of reason, his conscience – I imagine the conversation sounded something like this:

ML: (referring to me) You like her and she likes you – and you’re still dating everything that moves?

CA: I’m sorry I don’t follow you. That’s like saying ‘How can an ant lift 50x its body weight, but root beer floats are still delicious?’ Are the two even related?

It really seemed like everything he was telling me was a confessional – like a purging of baggage that he didn’t really want to be carrying around with him anymore.

I can appreciate that.

…and then I wondered what I was feeling – Crazy?? (Should I be getting my Carrie Underwood on???) #gettingcraycray???

But I wasn’t feeling that way….

I did actually became really competitive inside –  not jealous or insecure or even angry – just really proud of who I am and what I bring to the table…because I’m a fricking catch, just saying

So this twisted conversation made me feel strong, a little sensitive, confident, and extremely vulnerable – with a strong desire to BE THE BEST! #sexisanolympicsport

…and then it became so glaringly obvious that I was probably going to get my heart crushed so severely that there would be no hope of return, at least not in this country, planet, universe or lifetime.

It’s like a disease. I caught feelings. I caught feelings bad. I used protection and everything!

He asked me why I liked him, because everyone else he dates calls him an asshole.

I explained that I like how he talks to me and how he makes me feel – how I can just be myself around him…I feel accepted for all my nerdy quirks and that he allows me to be smart around him…The truth is, he has taught me a lot, and in some ways I look up to him.

…he totally turns me on! – that should be an obvious one!

…and we make an excellent team…and what we have is effortless.

He said, “I agree. This IS effortless. And it’s scary.”

So whatever it’s labeled, whatever you want to call it – It is indeed effortless – and it is indeed scary and cool at the same time.

…and we reminisced about the day we met – He remembered all the details!

…and he made the startling realization that we have been together for like 8ish months.

He said, “I really like you.”

We talked about so many things and played games and just had a blast!

It was 2 a.m., and it was my turn to be the leader because the birthday boy drank too much – way more than he had intended – and I arranged our transportation and safe arrival home, making sure he had his credit card and everything he left home with.

I tucked him in…and then folded the clothes that were on the bed. It was 2:30 a.m., and my head was spinning from the whole evening.

I finished and went to bed next to him.

The Next Morning

BEST SEX EVER! It was inspired!!!!

I guess unloading all that emotional baggage allowed him to do acrobatic type things.

There are 3 types of female orgasm – I had all 3!

Nuff said!

The Next Day

We made plans to be together this day as well. #somuchwin

Because he had had many birthday drinks, I enlightened him on his barroom confessions – We talked about everything further –

I told him about my “crazy” – that I wasn’t jealous but slightly competitive.

One of my concerns about my lack of naggingness or constant bitching or making unnecessary demands is that I may be perceived as not having a backbone or any strength.

On the contrary, I’m the bravest, strongest woman I know.

I am, after all, courageously facing the worst case of broken-heartedness to feel absolute bliss; joy; earth-shattering, spiritually enlightened, and adventurous sexual experiences; and to potentially end up with the greatest friend I have ever known with a man whom I like and who likes me back – but who also likes bitchy naggy bimbos.

It’s sooo worth it, but he’s still risky. #badboy

The alternative is to feel nothing, numbness, mindlessness, boringness inside an abyss within the borders of the zombie apocalypse. #zombieapocalypseisreal

Challenge accepted!

The only way to find true happiness is
to risk being completely cut open.

I also explained my position with regard to nagging and bitching – I’m not his mother, and I don’t want to be. So I cannot and will not take on that responsibility. He’s a grown man. I’ll help him if he asks me, otherwise, we will just have fun together.

He’s never asked me to do this – I just wanted to make sure he understands that that behavior is NOT in my “crazy resumé.”

He told me we would be together for a very long time.

I said, “I hope so.”

He said, “I’m saying it, so it’s true.”

I accept his words as they are, with no hidden agenda or meaning other than their face value. I believe him. I feel it in the depth of my soul.

He also said, You make me think. You’re very philosophical, and I’m more ‘to the point and there’s nothing else.'” #somuchwin

Then we daydreamed together about his deathbed when he is 90, and he dies while I’m giving him a spectacular blow job – and he dies with a smile on his face.

He requested that I have an open casket for him in that case, and not to change a thing – so everyone would know that he died doing what he loved with me…and smiling.

He said he wants to have a “celebration of his life” kind of party/funeral – I said I would make sure that happens.

…and then I said, “I will be at the front and raise my arms above my head and say ‘I WIN!!!!’

He cracked up and said, “You have to do that!”

I said, “I will, I promise.”

 

quotes above are by Jess- New Girl, me, Barney -How I Met Your Mother, Nick Miller quoting William Shakespeare and himself – New Girl, Modified quote from How I Met Your Mother, Chuck Palahniuk