Zombies In The Land Of Confusion

For the record, I have never watched “The Walking Dead.” I would probably like it if I gave it a fair chance. I tried to watch it yesterday, but I couldn’t get into it. I guess it was just too “real” and not enough escapism fantasy for me.

I did watch Warm Bodies – I enjoyed that very much. I have seen it at least 10 times.

warm-bodies

I’ve been absent from my beloved blog, and I apologize…more to myself really than to you. You probably just forgot about it ūüôā

I need it for mySELF, especially after having experienced what I have experienced this last year.¬†It was gruesome to watch… the slow insidious disease that ravaged this land.

I must’ve dreamed a thousand dreams
Been haunted by a million screams
But I can hear the marching feet
They’re moving into the street.

-Genesis

We thought we were safe from the apocalypse…that we were protected by the fortress we built and the measures we took to arm ourselves against the attack.

However, the Zombies marched in and launched full-scale war. They saw an opportunity…a weakness in our defense…a crack that they could penetrate, and without hesitation, they infiltrated the fortress of awesome.

It wasn’t really a fortress…more like a bubble…but it’s my story.

The attack came on two battlefields: Personal and Career. They knew how strong we were together…and if they could get both of us, the Apocalypse would be just THAT much closer to leaving no survivors in humanity…no one to rock the boat.

The Initial Infiltration

The day I felt “unsafe” for the first time in “Tales of The Extroverted Dominant Submissive Introvert” was the day of the initial attack.

And the Zombie fuckers took over his body – I didn’t know Zombies¬†did that. I expected to see the haunted eyes, the dead skin, the corpse-like lethargy…

But the Zombies do not look like corpses outwardly. They blend very well with the general population.

It’s more like Invasion of the Body Snatchers or Shape-Shifters from Fringe.

As you’ll recall (and if not, then please read Tales Of The Extroverted Dominant Submissive Introvert), my spidey sense was shifted into high alert. I sensed danger, recognized it, protected myself against it the best way I could, and I addressed it the only way a very confused girl could address it…with wit and a text.

After I texted him, informing him that I wanted to slap him, we had a chance to talk.

In that conversation, he said to me, “Have faith in us. Have faith in our friendship.”

I didn’t have a reason to believe that his brain had been taken over…I didn’t know I was speaking to a Zombie who was looking to destroy me…

We went to Mexico and attended the 2015 season opener of the Arizona Cardinals, which was so much fun.

When I went to visit him the following week, his house had been literally destroyed.

“Oh my God! What happened?” I asked him. I thought there had been a water leak or something.

His mattress was in the living room on the floor, carpet was ripped up, closet doors lying around, and the beloved weight room was now in pieces in the kitchen.

“Didn’t I tell you?” he said. “I’m changing everything.”

He hadn’t said anything to me about it.

When the violence causes silence
We must be mistaken

Zombie

Just 2 months previous to this, we had spent a couple of weekends and solid weeks¬†organizing and sorting everything in the house, from the garage to the sheds to the playroom…movies, tools and toys.

All of the organizing we had done…destroyed in one week!

As he described his plan, he spoke with manic animation, and I clearly saw “crazy” in his eyes.

I was stunned.

“Have faith in our friendship…” echoed in my head. It was the one straw I grasped even though I knew that there was something “off.”

Things continued like this for months. I was only invited to watch football once last fall – and it was more out of guilt since it was Thanksgiving Day and my birthday, and I said that I didn’t want to be alone that day.

He explained to me that he wouldn’t sleep for 3 days in a row…

He was forgetting¬†things, lots of things…like events, conversations, people…so much so that Youngest noticed too.

What’s in your head?
In your head?
Zombie, zombie, zombie

“What’s up with him? He can’t remember anything,” she said to me after all of us went to breakfast one day.

He would get excited to show me progress on the very slow remodel, and then he would pause and look at me quizzically with one eyebrow cocked, and then say…“Well I guess I can trust you…” and then continue to show me what it was…

???????????????????

He literally forgot who I was!!!

…and in those¬†months that followed, we had dwindling time together and lengthy gaps in anything meaningful…

…and then he would show up again, apologizing for being “busy, busy, busy” and being buried in work and not sleeping…and in that moment when he did show up, everything was almost right.

You beg me to go
Then making me stay
Why do you hurt me so bad?
It would help me to know,
Do I stand in your way?
Or am I the best thing you’ve had?

– Pat Benatar

“Have faith in us. Have faith in our friendship,” he said…and I did…until

Enter The Corporate Machine Of Madness

At the same time, the Zombies had split us up in a different battle altogether – They developed an alliance with the Corporate Machine of Madness, led by Lord Business (of course)…and each of us had to face our own separate fights¬†and lead teams against this enemy.

If we didn’t win, the world would be trapped in Darkness, just like Joe Versus The Volcano…marching in the mud to¬†American Panascope, ‚ÄúHome of the rectal probe.‚ÄĚ

Who the fuck would want to work there and live like that??? 

…Zombies…

This is the world we live in
And these are the hands we’re given
Use them and let’s start trying
To make it a place worth living in.

-Genesis

It was because of this battle that I had such strong faith in our friendship. I needed that safety net…to know that there was another fighting the fight to make the world a better place.

I also know what it takes to build a successful career. I’ve done it 3 times. And it takes focus, perseverance, long hours, dedication, and organization. There isn’t always a day off.

…so realistically, I expected gaps.

He went to work at his new company, and I went to work for mine.

I wasn’t sure how I was going to survive working for a company…I had worked for myself most of my life.

There was a reason that the Universe needed me there…

When I discovered this job, I sincerely thought I had found something that hadn’t fallen victim to the Madness, but as the days went on, blending into one another, and I learned more about myself, my resolve, and the inner workings of this machine, I knew that it was too late…that this company had already been taken over by the Zombies.

I was¬†unsure if I had any true fellowship¬†outside of the Madness. I had hoped that I did…

The Universe sent me alliances in the most mysterious of ways, and of course, it wasn’t who or what I expected them to be.

It started with transportation. In order to march into the Madness day in and day out, I had to drive 30 miles one way.

I might as well have been marching in the mud with Joe!

One fateful day in October, the car had had enough. It just died. I didn’t know at the time that this seemingly insurmountable obstacle¬†was actually the turning point in my favor!

This event allowed me to fully let go of the career that I kept me anchored¬†for longer than a year. I could now legitimately say, “I’m done,” and refer everyone to other hands.

I began to carpool and work more from home. As I did, I began a widespread audible campaign in the form of Webinars, full of my rebellious energy, philosophy, and spirit, looking for people who weren’t fully enslaved by the Zombies to dig in and fight the fight.

…and for those who would listen, I taught them how to stay one step ahead…who the true leaders were…and where to go for messages from the underground! This sparked my happiness and my “fight” – I found my voice and my confidence.

Lord Business discovered my channel and how influential it had become.

…On February 12th, I spent the evening with Deadpool, my spirit animal, and¬†Lord Business¬†retaliated and¬†struck a near-death blow to shut me up…the next day I was struck down by the virus… a virus so powerful that I was in bed for nearly 2 weeks.

I was weak and alone, unable to speak, coughing until I cried, fevered, and weak (worth saying twice).

…and the man once known as Captain Amazing texted me to get together, forgetting that I was sick…

Memories are just where you laid them
Drag the waters till the depths give up their dead
What did you expect to find
Was there something you left behind
Don’t you remember
Anything I said?

I told him how sick I was…He asked if I wanted company, and he came over. We lay on the floor and watched 2 movies.

After the movies were done, and I was coughing up a lung, he said, “You don’t look that sick to me,” gave me a hug, and went home.

Being strong is a blessing and a curse!

In hindsight, the Zombie that was possessing him must have known that the virus was not going to kill me and that I was escaping the Madness.

Two weeks later, the Universe sent me the next alliance … the one that would change everything…

Steve walks warily down the street
With the brim pulled way down low
Ain’t no sound but the sound of his feet
Machine guns ready to go
Are you ready? Hey are you ready for this?
Are you hanging on the edge of your seat?

– Queen

 

Escaping the Land Of Confusion

Let’s remember New Year 2016…a weekend of hope…¬†and please refer to cosmic forces that may or may not have played a role in what was to come in Year Of The Yang Fire Monkey…I still wear my snake charm.

As we transition into a new year, let us all be free from suffering.

In February, I was struck down by illness, and in March, as I was gathering my strength and my snake charm was working for me, my alliance walked in.

I received a Facebook message from Steve: “We are thinking of hiring marketing director and your name keeps running around in my head. I was just curious how you are and how your J-O-B is going :)”

…to which I replied: “Make me an offer.”

And he did!! It was the career of my dreams and my escape from the Corporate Machine of Madness. Travel, writing, taking on challenges, making my own schedule…everything I had been fighting for.

I accepted the offer and told “the man once known as Captain Amazing” about it. He seemed truly happy for me. He apologized again for being absent and explained that he had also been offered something…the lead role in a play! It was a musical with a Motown theme for a religious holiday, and he had been in rehearsals.

I had to see this!!!

He invited me to dinner and drinks, and he asked me if I was dating anybody.

???????????????????????????

He must have assumed that in his lengthy absences, I decided to move on. ???????

“No, why would I do that?” I asked. “I don’t want anything more than what is…actually what was before you got so busy. There isn’t anybody who can give me that. You’re the only man I’ve been with for more than 2 years!”

He asked me what I would do if he met someone else but that he wasn’t looking … he didn’t want anything either…

???????????????????????????

“I don’t know,” I said. “I don’t worry about such things until it becomes a reality.”

“Fair enough,” he said.

I asked about the play.

He was hesitant to let me attend, concerned about the potential social conflict among audience members and anything awkward that might arise if HLB were to see me there, run up to me, hug me, want to sit with me, want to come to my house and play…etc.

I assured him that I was not going to cause him trouble. I just wanted to see him on the stage, especially after he showed me his costume!

The night of the play arrived around mid April, and I had a very uneasy feeling which led to ambivalence about going. Youngest didn’t want to go. So I was going to attend alone.

I decided this play was about more than me and anything discomfort¬†I might feel if I were to run into HLB’s mom or other family members.

Have faith in our friendship.

I entered the auditorium and found my place in the back row along the aisle, so I was out of the way but still had a view to take pictures and video.

The irony of that vantage point is not lost on me.

He found me and came and talked to me — He thanked me for coming and said how much it meant to him. ¬†That definitely made me feel better about going.

As I observed the crowd, an eerie sick-like feeling came over me, and as I sat with this nausea, my heart sank.

“I don’t want to be here,” I thought.

He was so happy being there with all these people, and I was squirming, feeling the oppressive weight of Zombies everywhere, breathing down my neck, so close they might see me. I needed to escape.

I knew in that moment that if he wanted that…that suburban apocalyptic day-in-day-out, tract housing and cookie-cutter life, I couldn’t do it.

The people were lovely as individuals…as a collective, they were sheep. And I say that with love – It’s a whole different post to sort out the myriad of thoughts, philosophies, and emotions I felt sitting there.

The one truth I knew – I didn’t belong there.¬†I had been going to soccer games with him and HLB, and I took video and pictures…but I always felt like an auntie…

——

But that earlier conversation haunted me during the next several weeks…even as he made plans with Youngest and me for a weekly summer get-together for games…

“Are you dating anybody,” he asked – repeated over and over in my head….

He invited me to breakfast and to sync our calendars, but when I arrived, he had already filled his summer schedule with travel…and made plans without including me…

I remember long ago –
Ooh when the sun was shining
Yes and the stars were bright
All through the night
And the sound of your laughter
As I held you tight
So long ago –

We went to see the opening of Captain America Civil War (how ironic),¬†and then I had to leave town in May for 10 days. While I was gone, I knew…saw his demise in a dream I had…felt the cataclysmic shock.

After I returned, he met me out for dinner and told me that he was thinking about returning to the Zombies and living that life. He hadn’t made a complete decision.

I knew…I had been preparing for this…

I told him how weak he was. He was the one man who I thought was brave, strong, and who had my back as much as I had his.

Ooh Superman where are you now
When everything’s gone wrong somehow
The men of steel, the men of power
Are losing control by the hour.

So the zombies claimed another victim, one I didn’t expect to go. He just didn’t have any fight left. He was rendered weak and helpless in the battle against the Corporate Machine Of Madness.

I went ahead and made a decision on my side. I took 2 toys and my toothbrush, the only things I kept in his house.

I hugged him in the doorway, cried a little as I did, and walked¬†to my car. I didn’t look back.

Out of the doorway the bullets rip
To the sound of the beat
Another one bites the dust
Another one bites the dust
And another one gone, and another one gone
Another one bites the dust

Captain Amazing is no more, succumbed to the advances of the Zombies. My small team of superheroes couldn’t save him.

It was gruesome to watch… the slow insidious disease that overtook him until his brain was gone.

In Warm Bodies, I learned that when the Zombies eat brains, they are able to see memories and feel feelings…

Which zombies ate the memories of me? I’ll never know. But I know they’re gone.

I have armed myself for battle — knowing that somewhere, there are Zombies trying to bring me down —

…but are there¬†heroes looking to form an alliance??

I fear I won’t recognize an enemy from a friend.

Truth is: Bullshit women will cry over how they want things to be, rather than accepting and responding to how things actually are.

I will not be that bullshit woman!

But I’m ready, yes, I’m ready for you
I’m standing on my own two feet
Out of the doorway the bullets rip
Repeating to the sound of the beat

Dream Managing Part 1

Genie's_Lamp

I’m sitting on the edge of a deeply skewed reality (delusion technically) while facing an illusion, a dream…A list of them really.

 

I’ve known for the last year that THIS LAST YEAR was pivotal in making me whole. I’ve known for the last many years, really since the night I “died” in October 2007 that I’ve been broken.

 

Not just broken in half, like I originally thought. I’ve been shattered into a thousand pieces.

 

I created the¬†delusion of happiness for my survival so that I could put myself back together. But it’s like putting together a hollow¬†chocolate bunny.

 

It’s that I don’t have substance or depth – I just haven’t been COMPLETE or whole. And I’ve lived in that skewed reality for soooooo long that I don’t remember anymore what it’s like to be a whole person – and that scares me.

 

Two weeks ago, we sat in the Dream Room at¬†my awesome work place. To call it “work” doesn’t really capture what this place is and what we do. It’s like Disneyland for business – and nerds ūüôā We have a Dream Room – nuff said.

 

My team had a dream session with our dream manager: Goal – to dream…and to dream BIG…get outside our comfort zones…then reconvene 2 weeks later with a list of dreams so we can take the next steps to making them come true. #WishUponAStar

 

I started making my list, and anytime a certain dream made me uncomfortable (i.e. “that’ll never happen”) I wrote it down. Prior to last Friday, October 29, my list looked like this:

  • Youngest, Middlest, and Oldest to be able to travel with me and to be able to come to Rocky Point with Captain Amazing and me.
  • Make $100,000 annually and keep growing that until (see the third item).
  • Fix my shoulder.
  • Create the business that Captain Amazing and I always talk about – and that business earns over $13,000,000 in revenue annually and ultimately monthly.
  • Captain Amazing manages my wealth, and it earns enough money from his mad skills that I don’t have to work anymore, but I still want to because I love what I do.
  • Walk The Camino – Round Trip
  • Plan, attend, lead other retreats worldwide.
  • New Car that I OWN – and 1 for Middlest¬†and 1 for Youngest¬†…Plus a fun car that I own…no payments…and someone I can rely upon to handle all of the maintenance on it so that I don’t have to worry about that stuff.
  • Play tennis again consistently.
  • Employee of the month.
  • A new position at work created for me ūüôā
  • Write, publish, and sell my books –
  • A “Personal Team” – in which it’s a family but without the traditional headaches of a family – Completely new invention of what a “family” is and what a “couple” is: ¬†with a new house with a “man cave” and “woman cave” for private time for the adults…further defined as the blog has been laid out (See My Radical Views of Relationships, Voices And Other Things In My Mouth)
    • House on a beach (beaches)
    • House on a lake North to escape the summer heat.
  • Bodyfat percent of 18% because I lift weights appropriately, do an appropriate amount of cardio, have a personal trainer that I see every day, and a personal chef who plans out my food so I don’t have to do it.
    • True Confession: Pose in Playboy when I turn 50 (I wrote that gem down when I was 18) – Although I’d like to do that the first time at age 47 and then be a recurring guest.
  • Spend more social time with people that I like on a consistent basis.
  • Restore my neural pathways to undo traumatic damage.
  • Equine therapy (although I think I’d be really outstanding at this)
  • Skydiving
  • Travel the world – seeking adventure, but also writing about it, podcasting about it. Maybe for a whole year (depends on the formation of the PERSONAL¬†TEAM and how the Monthly Revenue shakes out – because I want them on these journeys)…
  • Retreats – this has been a recurrent dream that is currently in negotiation with one of my clients. I tried to get that off the ground as a business, but I was in “desperation” mode, and dreams don’t come true in “desperation” mode.
  • Plan more vacation and more time off so that I can have more of a life.
  • Continue to add to this list
  • Be a public speaker – Ted Talk and¬†Wisdom 2.0 – More importantly, The Moth.
  • Go to Turkey for Maya’s detox program – Attend her certification in Kundalini Yoga.
  • Go to a 4-week intensive fitness, yoga, mega healthy retreat.
  • Go to Bali and write with Mastin Kipp
  • The winning lottery ticket for the carpool duo.

I put some of the things in motion as I was writing them down. Ironically last Friday, my car broke, to the point that it may be totaled. I think the trauma was internalized.

Captain Amazing rescued me – so good!

I’m now carpooling to work, spending quality time with someone I like very much, and with whom I can have elevated discussion.

I am close to picking up enough clients to satisfy the extra $50,000 I need to hit the $100,000 annual, so now I’m growing that.

I did reach out to my tennis coach, but I had to cancel that lesson. Regrouping on that one.

And then…I found out that I’d been nominated for employee of the month – While I didn’t win ultimately, the magical list is doing it’s thing.

…to be continued…

 

Ever Have One Of Those Days??

To Be Crazy Or Not To Be Crazy On A Cray-Cray Day

This post is absolutely an outpouring of my soul – with the hope that anyone reading it is helped by its words. Because I know there is at least 1 person who will benefit from what I am expressing…well 2, if I include myself.

…otherwise, I wouldn’t put it out here…

~~

Last night, we were studying spirit animals. Middlest discovered her spirit animal – Rocket Racoon from Guardians of the Galaxy.

He represents her true essence on the big screen. I love that about her!

We were sitting on the floor next to each other, Middlest with her iPad and me with my ancient 82-1/2-year-old computer that I medicate with Viagra to keep the hard drive hard. #cantgetitupanymore

Anyway, we wanted to find out what our actual spirit animals are- It’s for a book I’m writing – and it’s related to the Hot-Crazy Matrix, where I am ranked as a borderline unicorn. ūüôā

hot-crazy-matrix

Middlest commented, “But you’re totally crazy.”

I said, “No I’m not.”

She said, “Yeah, certifiable. You wear kids’ T-shirts and sit on the floor.”¬†

I said, “Yes, but he likes that about me. ‘Crazy’ in the eyes of a man is ‘nagging,’ ‘bitching,’ ‘complaining, ‘making no sense,’ etc…that kind of stuff.”

She said, “Oh, ok. Well, then no, you’re not crazy.”

I said, “Thanks!”

She said, “Let’s take another quiz…”

During the entire evening, however, I was under a cloud of anxiety because I couldn’t find something that I was requested to find. I had everything else except that – the one thing that was requested of me –

We went to bed, and the nightmares started.

~~

This morning, my walk was interrupted by an awesome rain and magnificent lightning storm, so I chose to drive to fetch my coffee. I returned and woke the little darlings up so we could get ready for school.

In our little microcosm (apartment), we are a close-knit band.

We are so close, in fact, that when one of us is feeling off, the rest of us can feel it too.

This morning, my heightened stress was palpable even though I was outwardly calm…with shaking hands…

Middlest finally said, “I think we all just need to mediate.”

…and we took in a collective deep breath.

I asked her, “Do you have anyone in your life that no matter what you do or say, it will always be wrong? That you’ll always be a fuck-up in their eyes?”

“Every day of my life,” she replied.

#duh

“That’s how I’m feeling right now,” I said. “I shouldn’t care, and I can’t figure out why I do.”¬†

It was over that request, which really is a little¬†thing, because it usually is…the molehill that gets turned into a mountain.

The thing is, it hasn’t even become a mountain – Nonetheless, I’m beating myself up because it probably will, so I am anticipating it. And I am mulling over all the various scenarios in my head that could possibly happen next.

And since the worst has come to fruition in the past and, therefore, remains a very real possibility; it is always a looming dread in the background of¬†my existence, (i.e. taking my kids or yelling at me or punching a wall near my head) –

It’s extraordinarily difficult¬†to not dismiss those things as possibilities, even though that is entirely irrational.

I know and accept that I will always be a royal fuck-up in the eyes of Mr. Ex.

The truth is, I probably make 1,000 tiny mistakes a day and I continuously correct them. They are small, never the end of the world, and it took me years of retraining myself to correct the “self-flagellation” ….to be able to breathe again and not fear what might happen next.

That said, when someone you love and trust continuously is the one stabbing you, it becomes a very deep wound.

And when I hear about the ones I love most being stabbed by someone they love – It stabs me again…new fresh wound.

After sending my¬†“slices of heaven” to their destinations, I decided that I should talk to someone about what I was feeling.

I didn’t make the wisest decision.

It started well, and as the words left my thought bubbles and came out of my mouth, I started to feel better.

…until…I was offered a criticism that stabbed me again, over something completely unrelated and something that is “me” to my¬†very core – the outpouring of my soul – my writing.

This time, however, I defended myself, and for that I am proud.

I know not everybody is going to resonate with what I have to say. They may not enjoy it or laugh as much I do when they read it. They may even be offended by it. I kind of hope so sometimes, even though that scares me a little bit.

I am acutely aware of this every time I hit “publish.”

I do not take that action lightly.

It probably takes me 10x longer to produce one post than any other author because I read, re-read, re-read out loud, correct format, read, re-read, re-read out loud, correct, add, read, re-read, and re-read out loud until I’ve run out of time.

I have issues with perfection.

I have issues with not being perfect.

I also love not being perfect – It’s very freeing.

But this time it’s hitting me in a different way….and now¬†I have connected the dots…

I have to live with the fact that I will always be a disappointment to someone whom I never wanted to be a disappointment to.

I have to live with the fact that in the eyes of the one person who was supposed to have cared, I will always be boring, unattractive, unlovable, and a complete fuck-up, repeatedly, even though I put forth a tremendous effort to live well, be honorable, and try hard to be my best.

It will probably haunt me until the day I die and every time another fuck-up occurs Рand in each occurrence, I am reminded of the disappointment I represent to the person who chose to marry me Рthe boringness, the unattractivenes, the unloveableness, the perpetual fuck-upness.

I have issues with perfection.

I have issues with not being perfect.

I also love not being perfect – It’s very freeing.

~~

With my head spinning from being insulted and criticized on the phone when I was asking for help, I decided to walk to the bank. I approached a driveway that cut through the sidewalk. There was a car waiting to make a left turn into it.

I hadn’t yet arrived at the driveway, so I stopped walking and looked behind, saw no cars, and waved to the car to turn in ahead of me because he would have had to wait for a bit before I arrived at the driveway and then walked across it.

I waved to him again to¬†indicate that he could turn in – that I was in no hurry – I couldn’t see his face. I was still a little lost in my thoughts and wiping a tear from my face.

He then turned quickly, proceeded to roll down his window, and yelled at me, calling me a bitch.

Yep, it’s one of those days.

I felt like Gamora walking through the prison with all of the inmates yelling at her, wanting to kill her because of who she was and what she represented. She walked gracefully, silently.

~~

I love who I am – I really do.

I love the tribe of people in my life – I really do.

I am taking courageous steps that I know I need to take but are hard anyway and scary anyway.

I have zombies chasing me everywhere, wanting to smother me with that insecurity blanket.

Why now? Why is all of this coming up now?

  • Because I’m adding new necessary dimensions to my work and career – and change can be daunting.
  • Because life is ups and downs and I have chosen to feel rather than to be numb.
  • Because I have an amazing friend who means the world¬†to me.

So here I am, faced with the only things I can control: ME, my actions, my feelings, and my crazy.

Honestly, I feel like I’m standing on the tall platform at the first zip line, feeling like I am going to free-fall into an abyss – or a pit of zombies that are going to pull me down with them – kind of dizzy and sick to my stomach.

I have talked about how scary that was to many people, standing on that first zip line tower, especially because I’m scared of heights.

I had to face that fear alone, with that dizzying queasiness РI felt like I was on a swing at the very top of the arch and that I was going to fly out of it.

During the many times I told that zip line story, I remarked how I couldn’t remember the one thing that made me step off – that made me decide to take that leap.

I remembered it today, two things:

  1. “You’ll be so disappointed in yourself if you don’t this.”
  2. “You’ll have to tell Captain Amazing that you chickened out – YOU BIG NINNY¬†– and he will be disappointed in you too.”

I am not gonna lie – He is so cool!and I never want to disappoint him.

“Never” is a fucking long time, I know that, so that’s a completely unrealistic expectation to put on myself.

…so is being a unicorn, but I’m striving for it anyway…

The point is, sometimes shit gets a little crazy and shit comes up. It just does. When it does, how I handle it determines my level of crazy, which will not go above a 5, no matter how cray-cray things get.

ūüôā

 

 

How to UPGRADE your life in 3 simple steps

Here are the 3 simple steps to upgrading your life: 

 

Step #1 – Let Go of Limitations

One of the most courageous decisions you’ll ever make is to finally let go of what is hurting you.

Step #2 –¬†Use What You Already Have

You’re already awesome – Why aren’t you using it?

Step #3 РShow Up

The secret behind any successful person is that simple – Those two syllables: SHOW UP!

Your Other Option – Stay Stuck

Of course, if you choose not to do anything, you can stay right where you are, emotionally eating that bowl of ice cream, scanning OK Cupid for someone to pay attention to you, and continuing to wonder why you can’t have what you want.

If this is where you are, then please leave me a comment below and tell me why you want to marry that bag of potato chips.

install-upgrade

Skeletons In My Closet

Skeletons In My Closet: Maybe A Dementor Or Two

So, you know in horror movies when the girl says: 

“Oh no – I just heard a noise – I think¬†there’s something in the basement. I’m going to¬†run down there into the pitch black dark…in my underwear… and investigate…”

…And then she realizes she doesn’t have a weapon or a clue¬†or any intelligence whatsoever…

…And you’re yelling at her through the TV or movie screen:¬†“NOO! STOP!! Get help!!”

… But it’s too late – She’s already getting eaten by zombies. #ZombieInTheBasement

This story is just like that…

Demons are like obedient dogs; they come when they are called.

One night, Captain Amazing and I were having a conversation on the patio.

He asked me, “So do you have any skeletons in your closet?”

Hmmm…

I thought and thought … I saw a tumbleweed blow through the empty space in my head … Nothing.

tumbleweed

“Sadly, no,” I replied.

I was horrified at this.

How could I, the girl who loves to live, who does stupid embarrassing things, have no skeletons in any of my closets??

There’s got to be SOMETHING! I can’t be THAT boring, can I??¬†

horror

The next day, I packed my bag, grabbed my weapons and cleaning supplies, and went on a treasure hunt for skeletons – to find some secret that I could share with him.

I walked to my destination – 69 miles ūüôā

I arrived at the long corridor of closets.

hallway-doors

Each door was marked with a social subject.

I took a deep breath and faced the first door: Adventures In Sex.

Might as well start with the good stuff!

I opened the door. It was a beautiful, well-furnished room. It was well-lit and it smelled divine –

I inhaled deeply. I could smell my signature fragrance mix, Coco Chanel Mademoiselle¬†and Love Spell… #ScentOfAWoman

… along with my favorite “man scent” – I have no idea what brand of cologne it was… ¬†#ScentOfMan

…I just know that when I smell it, my passion fires up instantly, I get goosebumps everywhere, and my panties are instantly wet. #Instant-O

The last time I smelled that “man scent” was last fall. I had gone to a Bikram Yoga class with Mr. KC. It had been 5 or 6¬†months since we had “hung out” together.

Of course, in class, I positioned my mat in front of him, slightly left, so that he would have to look at my fine ass ūüôā I’m not stupid.

After that super sweaty yoga session, we went to our respective locker rooms to shower and clean up because we were going to dinner after.

I didn’t rush, but I didn’t want to take too long either.

I finished beautifying myself and walked into the hall – WHIFF – oh my god – I could smell his “man scent” in the hall.

My knees got weak, my eyes rolled into the back of my head, and I purred. I took a few deep breaths, and realized I was having a mini-orgasm. #ohmy

YUMMY!

That’s what the Adventures In Sex room was like –

We are all born sexual creatures, thank God, but it’s a pity so many people despise and crush this natural gift.

I returned from that jaunt down memory lane and continued to look for the skeletons.

I had been in this spacious closet many times after the divorce, cleaning and polishing, making it pretty. It had been¬†a long process, letting the skeletons out of this room…

…and they weren’t really skeletons…they were just taboo subjects that I wasn’t allowed to talk about.

And that’s really what a¬†skeleton is – something you’re ashamed of –

When you’re trapped in the zombie apocalypse, the skeletons hunt you down to keep you there…throw the Insecurity Blanket on you.

If you’re able to speak the skeleton’s name and give it a hug, then you’re able to set yourself free and clean out the closet.

As I had set each skeleton free, I had replaced it with a photograph – a memory.

And then the room and former skeletons didn’t haunt me anymore.

I went around the room and looked at my memories, and I saw the following:¬†Naked pictures and sexting – I have quite a collection and someone out there has quite a collection – Drunk sex that I don’t remember at all … public sex a few times – ūüôā High-five myself! …

… sex with a man who was not my boyfriend¬†when I had one – not a fine moment.

There were friends-with-benefits. #fwb

Oooo, a threesome in college – two men and me- ūüôā High-five myself! Although there was no “full sex,” it still counts. #tricycle

I’ve FAKED AN ORGASM!!! – Duh, what girl hasn’t???!!!

ELAINE: I faked it.
JERRY: That whole thing, the whole production, it was all an act?
ELAINE: Not bad huh?
JERRY: What about the breathing, the panting, the moaning, the screaming?
ELAINE: Fake, fake, fake, fake.

I have enjoyed erotic literature Рand learned how to give a blow job by reading porn.

I have also masturbated while driving a car in broad daylight – That was some kind of awesome – again high-five myself! ūüôā

Ducking for apples — change one letter and it’s the story of my life.

No extra-marital affairs on my part though РI would NOT have done it, but in hindsight, it is a little disappointing that there was never the opportunity.

I was a zombie though – who wants to be with a zombie??

It’s a pretty tame list – but long enough that I can’t be President of the United States, which is fine. #highfivemyself

I don’t know who would want that suck-ass job anyway. ¬†#suckstosuck

As I walked around, I found a small box under the bed. It was unmarked, but I recognized it.

“Ok – good,” I thought.

It’s not a HUGE deal, but I’m not throwing into my public list, so it qualifies as something that I can share. Sweet!

I finished in this room – I put the little box in my backpack.

Other than that, there is nothing terribly exciting to report here, and since he is a man, his list is probably full of awesomeness – not that I’m comparing lists –

I left the Adventures In Sex room and moved on to the next room: Legal and Anti-Legal

I solemnly swear that I am up to no good.

Oh my – this should be fun!

The door was creaky and a little stuck – It hadn’t been opened in a long time. The room was dark and dusty, with a few cobwebs here and there. I took out my flashlight and began looking around.

I saw the places where the skeletons used to be – where they left a shadowy outline – but the skeletons were gone.

One shadowy outline was marked –¬†¬†Jail…

I chuckled at that thought¬†– Actually, kissing a boy saved my ass and prevented me from getting into REAL trouble. ūüôā

That exciting adventure – can be found right here >> Singing Jail-Bird

I walked around this room – all that remained was getting kicked out of a bar for dancing on a table and stealing shot glasses.

Oh, and stealing toilet paper out of public bathrooms to go TP houses occasionally.

Pretty tame – no skeletons here.

I left that room, shut the door, and looked across the hall. There were two doors: One was labeled Food And Self-Loathing, and the other was unmarked.

Shame is a soul-eating emotion.

I didn’t really need to go inside the Food And Self-Loathing room because that is a closet I frequent often, and I have its contents memorized.

This area is constantly being explored as I heal, grow, and learn.¬†When I was young, the Adventures In Sex room was full of skeletons – Those memories¬†that I celebrate now weren’t events¬†I embraced 25 years ago.

I can say that like probably many other teen girls in the 1980s, I dabbled in starving myself. When I was a senior in high school, I ran to school every morning, a couple of miles, and I only ate an apple for lunch – often that was all I ate…

…because once I outgrew the “baby fat” – I didn’t want that coming back.

And then I learned how to be bulimic from Meredith Baxter-Birney an NBC television¬†movie “Kate’s Secret” – #tviseducational

That became an on-again, off-again routine in self-punishment for anything I was feeling bad about throughput most of college. A binge was comforting, until I had guilt, and then I had to punish myself.

If you liked being a teenager, there’s something really wrong with you.

It was a vicious circle – and it kept opening up wounds inside my soul.

And I still never wanted to be fat.

Not everyone purges – But the most frequent feelings of helplessness that I hear from clients when it comes to food – the cravings and the binge… and then the guilt that follows.

And the binge is an attempt to stuff¬†that empty hole inside yourself with something that isn’t going to hit you, yell at you, or tell you bad things about you…

…or fill the lonely void or the boredom – or to just stop feeling anything at all for just little while.

I have an understanding about the perpetual dieter’s plight – insight into his/her disease – that a meal plan is not going to cure.

No skeletons here anymore.

Accept who you are. Unless you’re a serial killer.

I went to the last room on this hallway tour: The scary unmarked door.

“I wonder what’s in there…” I thought.

I opened the door – There was fog hovering over the ground and a chill in the air. I shivered as I stepped inside.

The door slammed behind me, leaving me in the dark. I removed my flashlight and turned it on.

I shone my light throughout the room. I didn’t see anything except cobwebs and fog, and then I saw stairs leading down into a basement.

I took a deep breath, walked toward the stairs, and descended.

It is the unknown we fear when we look upon death and darkness, nothing more.

Go ahead and yell at me – NOOO!! STOP!!! GET HELP!!!

I reached the bottom of the stairs and I arrived in an empty room…

…empty except for three ring boxes on the floor, each unmarked.

I walked over to the boxes and picked up the first one. I examined it and shook it – nothing rattled. It seemed fairly familiar. My stomach did a little flip-flop.

I lifted the lid and a chilly mist arose from it. I looked inside. Oh, yeah…

I put the lid back on, set the box down, and then approached the second box.

The second box started jumping around before I picked it up.

My hands started to shake and I slowly reached for that box…

The lid popped off and startled me. I jumped back, and my left ear began to hurt – searing pain – I fumbled around for the lid to put it back on tightly. The box settled down, but my hands did not stop shaking.

I placed that box back on the floor, and I moved to the third box.

As I stepped toward this third box, my ear was throbbing, and then my shoulder ached – the two most significant injuries in my body –

Terror, when you come home and notice everything you own had been taken away and replaced by an exact substitute. It’s when the lights go out and you feel something behind you, you hear it, you feel its breath against your ear, but when you turn around, there’s nothing there…

I heard a haunted howl – like a banshee – I reached down and lifted the lid.

A Dementor-like creature, 10 feet high, covered in a dark hooded cloak of long, ripped black cloth, emerged from the box. Its body looked like a decomposing corpse, and it breathed deep¬†rattling sounds –

It held out one scaly hand to grab me, and the other hand clutched an Insecurity Blanket – This thing wanted to suck out my soul and turn me into a zombie.

Of course, I had to use the Patronus charm –¬†Expecto Patronum –¬†to defend myself. #harrypotterrules

The creature was sucked back into the box. I shoved the lid back on and sealed it Рand then I turned and ran up the stairs as fast as I could.

I ran out of the unmarked door and locked it.

I can run fast because I train with the Zombie Apocalypse Survival Workout.

Those will remain there Рuntouched Рlocked away. 

I walked out into the sunlight and reached into my backpack for a piece of chocolate.

All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn’t hurt.

Feeling quite relieved that I found skeletons, I walked the 69 miles back home.

I’m not so boring after all

There are a few¬†demons that I have no intention of sharing…not yet anyway. There are still problems that need solving.

 

 

 

 

 

Quotes above are by Remy de Gourmont, Marilyn Monroe, Seinfeld, Dorothy Parker, JK Rowling, CG Jung, Ellen DeGeneres, Stephen King, Charles Schultz.

Adventures In Irrational Anger

Adventures In Irrational Anger

The Tale Of The Insecurity Blanket:
Unwrapping Myself From The Menzie-Induced Burrito

Ladies – Let me know if you can relate.

I don’t know how we put up with men¬†or zombies or menzies! #thestruggleisreal

I’ve said it a million times #boysarestupid – #stupidheads

Boys are stupid #truestory

I despise feeling stupid myself. It’s paralyzing –

Therefore,¬†I really don’t understand¬†how boys¬†walk around being so stupid, so content in their stupidity, and continue to function in society –

And we let them??? #wtf

Throwing more fuel to my fire is exhaustion, and there may or may not be a fat man sitting on my uterus!

pms

This week consisted of my walk commute to work, working 12-14 hours per day, and not having a car. #walkingtherapy #sweatyhell

Kudos to Middlest though for her outstanding¬†responsibility and champion mad driving skills getting herself to work ¬†– Suck it, Danica¬†…

I have had¬†absolutely no balance in my life this week – No fun, no play, no time for me – which is my own damn fault, and I accept full responsibility for that…

…and I’ve been carrying the mama-bear fury¬†for events of last weekend, rechanneling that energy into constructive Karmic success… #powercareer #sweetrevenge

Even still, I feel like I was¬†shot in the back and left for dead…

lcleft4dead

…just bleeding out on the side of the road…

…and then a stupid-head boy¬†drives by and throws the Insecurity Blanket on me in an attempt to turn me into a zombie!!! #stupidhead #boysarestupid #zombiesarereal

The Insecurity Blanket is like an Invisibility Cloak because it causes me to disappear from the face of the Earth.

The difference is that the Invisibility Cloak comes off easily, and I control whether I wear it or not Рlike on my self-prescribed off-grid days where I choose to disappear. #goingoffthegrid

Whereas, the Insecurity Blanket is forced upon me by circumstances (or stupid-head boys), holds me down, and then turns me into a zombie. #zombieapocalypseishappening

When angry, count to 10. When very angry, swear.

It leaves a disgusting zombie film of weakness over me, and requires a great deal of my strength to throw it off.

It makes me¬†feel vulnerable; makes me feel very strange, spidey-sense, creeped-out tingles throughout my body…feelings of dread and despair…like a free-fall inside an elevator straight to hell.

It also¬†causes me to become very irrationally angry. ¬† ¬†#getthefuckoffme¬†#seriouslydon’tfuckwithmetoday

This morning, I woke up to find that I had been sleeping under the Insecurity Blanket all night – after I had been shot in the back and left for dead, of course.

I tossed and turned, getting all tangled up Рand I felt like crap. Specifically I felt sickening nausea, overwhelming grief, starvation, and white hot rage.  #suckstosuck

I feel like I want to murder someone, and also I want soft pretzels.

I started to write a different post entirely, while I drank my coffee. #caffeineformynerves

But the Insecurity Blanket was wrapping itself tighter and tighter around me, choking me out – for no good reason! #getthefuckoffme #don’tmakemehurtyou

I looked at my silent phone and shook it. I had officially disappeared from the planet. #literallydead

I could feel the zombies closing in, and nobody was going to rescue me from this living hell. #zombiesinarizona

“Fuck this – I’m going to go hit something.”

If any of you cross me, I’m gonna kick the testicles clean off your bodies! Clean off! You’ll look like Ken dolls down there!

Sweat is usually my remedy for such a situation…it typically makes the Insecurity Blanket slide off –

– and walking around with my “angry bitch face” is also helpful –

So I took myself to the gym to do my Zombie Apocalypse Survival Workout, which clearly I needed, since the zombies were trying to get me, and I had a wicked case of irrational anger. #stepoff #badasschick

I’ll push if I want to push!
I hate doors!

I gave everyone the look – “Fuck with me, and you’re dead.” #gettingmycrazyon

In my head, I was walking around looking like this: #supremebadass #iamlaracroft

Tomb-Raider-lara-croft-tomb-raider-the-movies-2260372-1280-1024

At the gym, I fueled my irrational rage with the melodic screaming and heavy overtones of Breaking BenjaminРI wanted to get the fucking Insecurity Blanket off me.

I ran 8 miles,¬†consisting of the 200-meter sprints. It was more miles than prescribed by my Zombie Survivalist Coaches… but dammit – I needed to sweat!!

I also slammed the medicine ball, which always makes me feel extraordinarily powerful.

I finally felt the anger dissipate…

…And I sat on the floor, sweaty, stronger, and satisfied.

It was like having angry sex, but I didn’t have to share it with a stupid-head boy… #boysarestupid #truestory

I was finally released from the clutches of the Insecurity Blanket. #icanbreathe

The zombies ran away in fear… #savedmyselfagain #strongwomansavestheworld #whoneedsboys

I don’t usually lose my temper, but if I get angry, it’s true – I’m scary.

 

QUOTES ABOVE ARE BY MARK TWAIN; NEW GIRL “MENZIES” ‚̧ LOVE THAT;¬†Eva mendes

 

 

Voices And Other Things In My Mouth

Voices & Other Things In My Mouth

I get asked this question a lot ~ “Why are you single? You’re so great?”¬†…

…to which I answer… “I know I’m great – that’s why I’m single.”

It’s followed up with a look of pity.

WTF????? #pompousass

The truth is – I love being single! #strongsexysingle

…and I still love boys and sex… #wolverine

There are too many nonsensical rules that accompany being part of a couple, and most of them are subliminal and conditioned through societal influences.

The nonsense is – Once you become partner in a “relationshit,” you lose your identity¬†and your voice. You’ve basically sold your soul for sex. #welcometotheapocalypse

Ms. Spa and I were discussing where and when we have choked on our words – past and present – and why we have had struggles with simply expressing ourselves with men.

We became full-fledged, well-trained, extraordinarily disciplined zombies. And the sad truth is –¬†We had allowed this to happen.

If you are silent about your pain, they’ll kill you and say you enjoyed it.

In my experience, which is not unique to just me, I had to stuff my voice for years and deny myself the expression of who I am – because the guy I was with wasn’t confident enough to handle what I would do or say –

I had to bite my tongue – I represented “the man” so I’d better watch what I say and whom I say things to.

I moved¬†from single, fun, awesome chick to girlfriend/wife/zombie, which meant that I could no longer be slutty vixen, especially in public… but also¬†behind the scenes¬†–

Because¬†zombies do not have great sex. It’s routine, boring, obligatory – It’s not the sport of champions. #theceilingneedspaint

(I’d rather be alone with my Majestic Purple toy or my Waterpik shower massager than to have zombie-boring-obligatory sex)

And instead of insisting that the man/zombie grow more confidence, I censored myself because I was scared shitless about the consequences. #whatthefuck?????

…and that left me with nothing… nothing left of my heart or my voice, except a grunt. #zombieapocalypseisreal

When people don’t express themselves, they die one piece at a time.

As a single female, I’ve read just about every self-help book when it comes to men, dating, relationships – in order to rectify this loss of voice and self – and 90% of the time, they have made me¬†nauseated and confused –

The self-helpers say things like:¬†“This is the head game you need to play – This is who you need to be. This is what a man wants. This is what you need to say and do to get a man.”

Again, what the fuck???

I love my whole authentic self.

Why in the world would I want to give up my awesomeness and become a zombie just so I could have a man and sex in my life????

I’ve already explained that zombie sex SUCKS #suckstosuck

…and if I’m going to “suck” – then put something awesome in my mouth and allow me to do it properly! #slurp

(I’m lacking filters right now because it’s been a few days…)

While I do consider sex a sport, I don’t consider head games to be recreational.

I received a comment from an adoring fan about Captain Amazing’s amazing phone call – The fan¬†suggested that I “should have made him sweat and not given him an answer right away.”

Well, I suppose I could have done that, except I would have been punishing myself by keeping my friend away…¬†Punishing myself is not acceptable to me.

I was really excited to have him back (great conversation and great sex returned!!)…

… and I was sure as shit not going to pretend that I wasn’t excited or instantly wet … #wetnessrules

(…again…filters are escaping me at the moment)

I love being a slutty vixen – I love flirting and being outspoken and forward.

I still have morals and boundaries. Some would consider them blurred, but they are mine and they exist.

It’s actually possible to be a slutty vixen, she-demon-ho, shameless flirt, walk around in a Mystique costume AND have morals and boundaries….

The rule here is…¬†Your morals and boundaries¬†have to fit YOU. And it’s within your right to express that!

For example: When I am engaged in my competitive contact sport with a man, I am monogamous.

…and it’s an effortless moral boundary that makes me feel good about myself. He has not imposed this boundary upon me.

However, I’m still single, I still flirt, and I can have coffee or happy hour with whomever I want, etc., etc.

My moral boundary is not a prison sentence.

These are the ground rules. I hook up with one guy a season…

…And despite my rejection of most Judeo-Christian ethics, I am, within the framework of¬†[that]¬†season, monogamous.

It takes a very confident man to accept that about me.¬†Let’s face it – I present quite a dilemma for a man – #thestruggleisreal

Society will tell him the following:

  • If she’s monogamous, then she wants a relationship.
  • If she’s a flirty slutty vixen, then she’ll “cheat” on you and treat you like crap.

Fortunately for me, Captain Amazing has the confidence to not give a damn¬†what society says or thinks about me, and he has formulated his own opinion. It’s one of his super powers.

I want him (and everyone actually) to just take me as I am, with my outspokenness and lack of filters, even if I say the wrong thing at the wrong time.

Usually, if I say the wrong thing at the wrong time,¬†I had a good¬†intention, not an evil one. I know myself, and I know that I would¬†never be mean on purpose.¬†#i’masuperhero #notavillain

…and it’s usually about sex… and usually I end up just embarrassing myself – It is what it is. ūüôā

Besides, I’d rather that he not have me at all, than to have a¬†censored fake version of me.¬†#ihavetobereal

If he needs to impose a “gag order” on me, he has¬†to¬†do it with his cocky manhood – and while I’m handcuffed. ūüôā

That was so much fun! Is it time to play again??

My Advice

Ladies – Take the opportunity to find your voice – To practice saying difficult things. To practice standing up for yourself because you have nothing to lose.

… and be a little forward…

The post-apocalyptic world of the living is a place to find out who you really are, how you want to express yourself, reinvent your moral code.

There is no one left to judge you – the zombies don’t matter and the rest of us accept you for who you are.

Life is meant to be enjoyed and celebrated.

Your mouth needs a voice … and a pole to play with… ūüôā

 

Quotes above are by Zora Neale Hurston, Laurie Halse Anderson, and Annie Savoy.

 

Confessions: Part 1 – I Got A Rock

Confessions: Part 1 – I Got A Rock

Oooooo, confessions Р intrigue. #inquiringminds

What do I have left to confess? I’ve shared my goals, which are unconventional at best or possibly ludicrous …

… I am slightly¬†closer to being Mystique though, which brings me such joy ūüôā

I am also a girl, but there is not much to confess there…or is there??

I am grateful to be a woman…

…I must have done something great in another life.

The Universe truly blessed me with being female – and the Universe made me straight – I’m grateful for both.

Most of the girls I know – even though I love them – are too crazy to date. #girlsarenuts #boxofcats

Therefore, I’m happy to not be a lesbian.

…as a nonconformist, unconventional girl, I just have to keep a lid on my crazy… #xfactor

… because I love boys. I love hanging out with them and when they seemingly¬†forget that I am a girl. That makes me happy.

Boys, on the other hand, are just stupid. #yfactor

I remind¬†my daughters frequently how fortunate they are to have a single dating female for a mom – I know what’s going on in the world and share my wisdom with them.

Whereas the women who have been married for a century and living in suburbia are just slightly naive – and crazy – and possibly zombies. #zombieapocalypsenextdoor

No matter how cute a boy is, how much you like him, how amazing he is – he is still a boy and still stupid. If you keep your boundaries around that information, then you’ll be OK –

I tell them: Feel free to feel whatever you want because a boy is eventually going to do something stupid… He can’t help it. #youcantfixstupid

…and we girls…well, we’re just crazy. #crazybitches

To launch my confessional to the world, I am going to start from an area of¬†vulnerability, because I believe that’s at the heart of the matter, and I will be using Bren√© Brown’s definition from Daring Greatly: How the Courage to Be Vulnerable Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent, and Lead

I define vulnerability as uncertainty, risk and emotional exposure. With that definition in mind, let‚Äôs think about love. Waking up every day and loving someone who may or may not love us back, whose safety we can‚Äôt ensure, who may stay in our lives or may leave without a moment‚Äôs notice, who may be loyal to the day they die or betray us tomorrow ‚ÄĒ that‚Äôs vulnerability.

So that’s where I am, sitting here on a Friday, having just finished work, feeling blah, for reasons that are just not clear to me.¬†And then¬†it hits me –

I’m such a “girl”!

There was a¬†cliffhanger ending in the Adventures of Captain Amazing, with the greatest phone call I’ve ever received in my life last Friday morning (it was a week ago??) – It was just like a movie.

I’m surprised I didn’t fall down the stairs like a drunk person while I was on the phone – #tripping #stumbling #clumsy

That day, my feet didn’t touch the ground. I don’t even remember what else I did – worked or some other nonsense – but I do remember giggling a lot that entire Friday.

Our plan, even before “the phone call” was to go hiking the next day, Saturday. The entire group was invited, but he and I were the only two who could go.

Because of his decision to unlive rather than embrace life, (I already said that boys are stupid), and his departure earlier in the week to zombieland to wrestle with demons, it was a potentially super awkward situation to be in, for both of us, although probably more so for me.

However, since I’m an unconventional girl, and his friendship means more to me than I can even comprehend on a logical or intellectual level, I was going to go regardless… awkward or not …

… I can deal with “awkward” – However, I cannot deal with¬†regret or missing out on a fun time simply because there is a bump in the road to hop over. I’ll take my chances and hop …

When we spend our lives waiting until we’re perfect or bulletproof before we walk into the arena, we ultimately sacrifice relationships and opportunities that may not be recoverable, we squander our precious time, and we turn our backs on our gifts, those unique contributions that only we can make.

…But he called me and apologized instead…so all potential weirdness became awesomeness.

Saturday morning arrived, and so did Captain Amazing at my apartment at 5am to pick me up РI had brewed coffee and prepared snacks for the day. The plan was to be out hiking for approximately 10 hours, depending on what we found.

I packed chicken quesadillas, apples, and homemade chocolate chip protein cookies. << click here for recipes

Of course, he opened the truck door for me РI notice things like that (see above РI am a girl).

The trail was about an hour away by car, Badger Springs, so we had plenty of time to chat about the week, including all of the events he encountered with the zombies (and witches?? There are witches in the zombie apocalypse??)

…and we talked about the little things that happened here, in the awesome land of the living, and we shared conversation about all kinds of everything and nothing – surprisingly effortlessly.

We arrived at our destination – We were the only ones there (good? bad? – who cares??).

We parked with enough room in the empty dirt circle that others could park their vehicles, should they arrive as well.

It was a true adventure – Neither of us had been to this place before, nor did we know what to expect necessarily.

I trusted his leadership abilities, so I assigned myself my own tasks, like the food, keeping up without any complaining, and just being cute.

We loaded our gear and began our walk to the trail head. He signed our names in the guestbook.

As we began our journey to the unknown, he said, “You know we might get wet, right? There are rivers to cross.”

I said, “Cool – I’m prepared for anything.”

He said, “That’s my girl.”

Ok Рcan I just say that I really like it when he says that Рa lot!! It makes me feel special.

The hike began with soft sand that descended somewhat into a canyon. We were going into a riverbed. Then it was all boulders – no trail, just giant rocks. It was so awesome.

It was like a game of follow-the-leader mixed with a puzzle – It was the ultimate 3D live-action video game!! #nerdfitness

We had to figure out where we were going to step next, sometimes deciding the wrong way which led to a giant leap down, and then figuring out other ways to get down and around the rocks.

It was so much fun. We took turns leading, but I preferred him in front. It was less stressful for me to follow.

I kept thinking, “Don’t die – or worse, sprain your ankle.” ¬†#priorities

…and then he would tell me to be careful and not to sprain my ankle – WTF??? ¬†#psychic

We continued on, with little change in the landscape except for more foliage, which ended up in his socks and shoes.

I wore pants – He wore shorts. I secretly high-fived myself for doing something right without coaching!

After a couple of hours, we reached a point where we had to make a decision: Either we continue on to see more rocks and not much else, or we could turn around and see what other glorious adventures we could squeeze into our day.

We turned around – opting for squeezing more in – and we climbed back in the direction of the trail head.

bouldering adventure

We came to a big rock that was fairly flat and elevated like a ledge. We stopped there and “made camp” to pick the stickers out of his socks and have a snack….

… ‚̧ and other activities ‚̧ …

At first, I wasn’t fully mentally prepared for the “other activities,” but I snapped out of my mental dysfunction.

I had originally intellectually¬†compartmentalized this day as “this is a hike between friends”¬†#friendzone – even though he came back from the zombies.

It was a rough 4 days having to face the grim reality of a sexless existence, when I had the perfect game all planned out full of blissful sexual encounters.

I guess it just surprised me when he confessed that he had been scouting out for the perfect rock to play on.

And I surprised myself that I had not been thinking about that, especially when I had just been faced with a sexless existence. #friendzoneforever

In my defense, I actually was trying to not die or sprain an ankle. …

… But yay!! I recovered from that sexless friend-zone-only coma –

Thank the Universe that it was ONLY 4 DAYS – and hopefully I will not need to dwell in THAT hell again!

(Caveat – boys are stupid, so there is always the possibility – I will just play equally dumb and not think about it).

Life is short – Play naked.

He sat on the rock, and I was standing on the ground while we finished cleaning up his socks. I climbed up on the rock and sat with him.

I sat in front of him between his legs, my back to his chest, and he wrapped his arms around me, clutched my breasts, and I reached up behind me, grabbed his neck, and he kissed me. Ahhhh… (I’m such a girl)

…so was I willing to go there? – in nature?

“Mmmmm, challenge accepted,” I said.

I’m an adventurous unconventional girl – and yes, I did – I got fully undressed on the rock.

I got the most awesome bruise on my knee from that episode.¬†I’m always hoping for a bruise or other mark that indicates that someone has been there on my body.

Afterward, we reclined on the rock, basked in the sun, and listened to nature … and¬†we talked more… the sun felt really good.

There was a rock in front of us that had a chunk missing Рit looked like a big button for a secret passageway. We were both hoping a new cave would be revealed and we would have more to explore.  #nerdimagination

We got dressed. He jumped down from our rock and made his way over to that rock – He¬†pushed the “button” – nothing visibly happened. DRAT!

We grabbed our gear carried on.

He said, “I love that I said ‘let’s have sex on that rock,’ and you said, ‘ok’ and didn’t even think¬†about it.”

YES! Successful non-conventional super-cool goddess girl wins major brownie points for being naked in nature and doing it on a rock!!! High-five me!

And then he made this astute observation: “We have had sex on every hike we’ve been on.”

I said, “Yes we have. It’s a great goal. Let’s add that to our list of rules…and continue the streak.”

He added, “…and after every trip to the grocery store…”

And we laughed and then imagined what that would be like, putting the frozen food away, leaving some bags on the counter, so we could push them off the counter in the throes of passion, so we could do it on the counter!!!

‚̧ That’s so hott! ‚̧

**sigh** Here is someone who thinks like me – I never knew anyone who thought like me.

As we meandered back toward the trail head, we came upon the area of soft sand. I noticed areas of burned foliage, and the landscape didn’t look as familiar as I expected it to look.

“I don’t remember seeing that many burned trees,” I remarked.

We rounded a corner and came upon a group of men on the side of the mountain surrounded by freshly burned brush and trees – FIREMEN!

“Oh, I love firemen,” I said.

Shit, did I just say that out loud to the man I just had sex with on a rock??!! I have no filters.

We wished them a very chipper “good morning” (we just had sex – why wouldn’t we be chipper??) and we chatted with them a bit. They asked us if anyone else was down in the canyon. We said no, that we were the only ones.

They¬†probably knew¬†that – They may have wandered in and perhaps watched us. It wouldn’t be the first time, probably won’t be the last.

As it turned out, they were doing controlled burns on the hills – So while we were playing on the rocks, the firemen were blocking access to where we were (thanks for the privacy, gentlemen).

We reached the truck and began our drive¬†back to town – chatting and being completely at ease –

We still had time to spend together before we had to adjourn to our “real lives,” so we¬†decided to see a movie.

We bought tickets to Godzilla – We would have seen X-Men, but we were both obligated to see that the next day with our kids.

Godzilla¬†itself was cheesy and campy, but I would expect that from a Japanese lizard monster who saves the planet from giant nuclear-energy-consuming bug-like creatures¬†–

I was entertained nonetheless and enjoyed the movie and my amazing¬†company – because it was my kind of movie and movie-going experience…with my hand between his thighs. My hand likes to be there, just saying ūüėČ

We talked and laughed throughout the movie- thankfully because that’s how I watch movies ūüôā

Then he took me home – and I was so happy. That was THE¬†funnest “date” that I can remember ever going on…

…and I got a rock!

If I were anybody else, I wouldn’t have even gone with him that day – because the few friends who knew the story asked me why I was going (before the phone call) –

…and they said they would have been hung up on the trip he made to zombieland, nervous or anxious about a repeated leaving.

But I don’t live my life that way. The risks are worth the rewards.

Perfect and bulletproof are seductive, but they don’t exist in the human experience.

Confession 1: At one point, I did take in a sentence Рan observation of an observation Рthat made me fully and totally a girl РI could just die! #diedofhappiness

He told me, “When my brother sees you and me – us – he wants what we have.”¬†

Holy shit! I’m not sure what “we have” – since it is an undefined friendship of awesomeness with super powers and loads of fun and laughter, which I love – and holy shit,¬†he sees it too and must enjoy it also… #getagrip

…and since I’m a girl and I cannot help myself, that little something¬†made me do cartwheels inside myself. #insanitystrikesagain

~

Confession 2:¬†Today I was¬†feeling a little tired from a hard workout yesterday and strange hours of sleep – I might have just been bored too ¬†–

…but I was also feeling a little chest pain and shortness of breath … so I was either¬†having cardiac arrest or…

I really like him and miss him???

Oh shit – that’s such a girl-thing! #damnitalltohell

I would kick myself, but it feels so good even though it feels kind of bad – a little scary in a warped way. I just have to remember “boys are stupid,” and I’ll be ok.

So here I am, gettin’ my crazy on. #crazybitch

Well, if that’s who and where I am, I will hopefully do the Buckcherry song justice – and add that to my list of goals!

My goals may be unconventional and ludicrous, but they are still MY goals…

Hey –¬†You’re a crazy bitch
But you fuck so good, I’m on top of it
When I dream, I’m doing you all night
Scratches all down my back to keep me right on

 

 

 

 

Quotes above are from Maya Angelou, who will be missed and whose torch I will carry to the very best of my Goddess Abilities; Bren√© Brown’s¬†Daring Greatly: How the Courage to Be Vulnerable Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent, and Lead,Charlie Brown from The Great Pumpkin, and¬†Buckcherry lyrics to “Crazy Bitch.”

The Plight of Drama Queens

The Plight of Drama Queens: AKA Dramaqueenitis

There is a common condition that I have seen time and time again among my friends, but had not personally experienced until recently, because I tend to avoid the dust cloud of devastation that it brings and not allow certain types of people to wander freely in my world.

pigpen

I call the condition “dramaqueenitis” –

Let’s break the word down, so we have a clear definition –
drama ‚Äʬ†queen / itis:

Drama queen:

  1. A person given to often excessively emotional performances or reactions.
  2. A person (often but not limited to a woman) who acts as though things are much worse than they really are.

– itis:

Inflammation.

Dramaqueenitis

Therefore, dramaqueenitis is an inflamed event of excessive emotional reactions, where even the littlest things have horrific traumatic consequences, in the eyes of the drama queen. #ohmygodyourshoesaretouchingthecarpet #youdidn’tsayhi

Taylor¬†Swift waved at a boy yesterday, and he didn’t wave back…

…So she will have a new album coming out tomorrow.

Furthermore, the drama queen suffers from extreme paranoia, in that every action performed by anybody surrounding the DQ is an attack against the DQ.

If a man tripped, she might say:

“That guy fell on me on purpose just to piss me off!” #puhlease

While dramaqueenitis is common, it is insidious and is a direct link to obesity, cancer, heart disease, stroke, low back pain, and erectile dysfunction. #cantgetitupanymore #nolongeraman #lifeishardsoiamnot

I used to be dumbfounded when a male friend would unload his frustration about his latest session of histrionics being perpetrated by the drama queen in his life, frequently in his living room, bedroom, front yard, driveway, and via cell phone, and most often at the same time. #shitstorm #thestruggleisreal

…and then I earned my experience…I gained wisdom, enlightenment, and deeper understanding.

Drama queens are not limited to just women. Both men and women can create such an affliction.

One of my exes was the queen of all drama queens Рand male drama queens are the WORST. #iamnotalesbianquitbeingagirl

When I ended the relationshit (please refer to my zombie story for an overview of this experience), I really thought I had been quite clear that we were done, there would be no reconciliation, that we were done, that it was over, that we were done, that I had moved on, and that we were done. #wearedonehere #itisover #doyouspeakenglish

However, I was kind #mymistake – rewording sentences so that I owned the responsibility of preparing the exit strategy without blaming him. For example, I would say things like:

“I feel like crap¬†all the time in this relationship,” rather than “You make me feel like shit all the time.”

Or…

“I want joy in my life, and there is too much stress here,” rather than “Dude, you stress me out way too¬†much.”

My BIGGEST¬†mistake was – I left open-endedness, avoiding the dreaded answer to the horrific question: “Can we still be friends?”

To which I developed¬†absolute pain on my face, like someone had just punched me and I was holding¬†back a seizure and maintaining self-induced paralysis¬†in order to avoid screaming: “NOOOOOOOO,”¬†because I had never said that to anybody before…

…and instead said, “…well, I usually stay friends with the exes that¬†I like…”

I hoped very much that the caveat (that I like) would be noticed – I learned my lesson. #keepitsimplestupid #statetheobvious

Apparently¬†my little answer aversions¬†were seen as breadcrumbs to lead this individual back when the empty hole inside him grew to massive proportions and he needed to feed the monster within with another fight resulting in supremely negative toxic drama – like the MUTO in Godzilla, consuming negative¬†energy like it’s candy.

He arrived at my sanctuary after a glorious month without a single fight in my world¬†#happiest30daysofmylife –

My sanctuary is my gym Рa domain to which he does not belong. I was on my treadmill running and looked down Рhe was standing there, looking up at me. #uhohnowwhat

“What are you doing here?” I asked, not pleasantly.

“I came to see you,” he replied.

I stopped my treadmill, extremely annoyed that my precious workout was being interrupted by what was sure to be an episode of dramaqueenitis.

“How did my crackerjack security staff let you in?” I asked, and I was serious. They card everyone at the desk – how did he get in here??

I offered to go for a walk. I know, sometimes I do really stupid things. #iamnotperfect

He began by telling me how hard the last month had been for him.

“I understand,” I said. #killwithkindness

Then it began … and¬†he said, “When you unfriended me on Facebook, it was like you stabbed me in the heart. You devastated me. Why did you do that to me?”

#howoldareyou #crymeariver #whatthefuck

I replied, quite calmly, “You know that Facebook is not really real, right? It would be inappropriate to have you read my posts, and it would be more inappropriate to censor myself.”¬†

Silence – Ahhhhhhh ….. I love silence …..

Then it started again… “But you didn’t text me or call me…”

DQ’s typically start sentences with “You did this,” or “You did that,” or “You never,” or “You, you, you.” #lookinthemirrordq

It went on and on and on – I felt the zombie apocalypse closing in on me. It was like toxic green gas choking me out.

toxic green gas

…and then I finally did it – I said what I needed to say –

“No, I do not want to be friends. We are toxic to each other, and toxic people are not welcome in my life.¬†Please do not seek me out.”

I crossed the street.

He yelled, “Can¬†we have lunch this week?”

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#doyouspeakenglish